by TEJ | Mar 25, 2021 | Political humor
[Author’s note: The following is political satire. Anyone who can’t figure this out should legally not be allowed to vote. – TEJ]
According to 43 state legislatures, the problem with our election system isn’t voter suppression. It’s massive voter fraud. Read what states are proposing to solve the problem of Democrat victories once and for all.
Thanks to the patriotic efforts of former and future President Donald Trump, it is now widely accepted that the only reason he lost the 2020 election was due to massive voter fraud perpetrated by his opponent. This was conclusively proven by election security experts including Rudy Giuliani, the My Pillow Guy, and several nearly grammatical tweets by MAGAMark1776@StopTheSteal, who said he is sure the election was stolen because QAnon told him so.
The Trump campaign and Republican Party officials would have won every one of the 63 election lawsuits they lost in every state and federal court if not for the fact that all the judges – including Trump’s three Supreme Court picks – were in on the steal, along with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Hillary, Obama, Bill Gates, and Meryl Streep, not to mention 81 million people who illegally voted for the other guy.
In the aftermath of the sweeping election fraud in the 2020 election, state legislators in 43 states have introduced over 250 pieces of voter security legislation designed to prevent Trump from losing next time. If enacted, these measures, aimed at preventing lawless radicals from overturning our democracy, will ensure that only people who are verifiably identified to be American citizens who have lawfully registered to vote should be entitled to cast a vote, thus guaranteeing that the RIGHT candidate will always win.
Freedom-hating naysayers continue to push the outrageous lie that these thoughtful bills submitted by Republicans are in some way “voter suppression” attempts in the guise of voter security. But that’s simply not so. Without these critically needed voter security protections, the bills’ sponsors argue there will be no way for the candidate with fewer votes ever to stand a chance at winning any future elections.
“Without these long overdue safeguards to protect our election security, our nation runs the risk of letting radical leftist pedophile candidates win all future presidential elections for no other reason than that they offer more qualified candidates with more popular ideas. It’s just not fair,” said Ron Johnson, Republican Senator of Wisconsin.
Here is a review of some of the landmark democracy-preserving statutes currently being debated in state legislatures throughout the nation.
North Carolina: “No excuse” absentee voting would be eliminated, except for members of the armed forces serving overseas. Moving forward, in order to vote by mail, all others will be required to receive a physician’s note – witnessed by two notary publics who are fluent in Dutch – attesting to the fact that the person cannot physically vote in person because they are dying of cancer and have less than 10 days to live.
In the Georgia state legislature, a bill is being introduced in which anyone who has ever LIKED a post by Stacey Abrams on social media will henceforth be deemed a member of Antifa and ineligible to vote.
Kentucky: Due to a chronic problem of people depositing ballots in drop box locations rather than standing in line like normal patriots, henceforth, all voting drop box locations will be eliminated, except for in zip codes where the average household income is over $250,000, in which case, drop-boxes will be provided at the end of their driveways.
Arkansas: For years, black churches, in conjunction with civil rights organizations, have worked to increase minority voter turnout by assisting parishioners to register or vote immediately after Sunday church services. If enacted, this bill would ban the so-called “Souls to the Polls” initiatives and replace them with a new policy, “Souls to Paroles,” in which minority church goers would be required to check in at the nearest parole board for a background check regarding any possible parole violations before being allowed to vote.
Louisiana: Concerned by an inexplicable surge in voting by young people in the 2020 election, the state legislature is advancing a draft which would make people under the age of 25 ineligible to vote – unless they can present proof that they find Bernie Sanders annoying.
Wyoming: In a bold measure aimed at eliminating all voter fraud, the state legislature recently introduced a proposal to make it a misdemeanor, punishable by a $10,000 fine and up to two years in jail, for knowingly voting for – or influencing another person to vote for – any candidate who does not own at least three guns or who disagrees with the statement “Climate change is a hoax.”
Missouri: In an attempt to purge the state’s voter registration database of voters who may have died, moved away, or once voted to fund Planned Parenthood, the Secretary of State will initiate a massive purge of voter rolls. It is expected that this effort alone will eliminate over 400,000 bogus voters, including several hundred deceased names, over 1,000 people no longer living in the state, and 398,000 registered Democrats.
Oklahoma: In a cost control resolution aimed at reducing the cost of election security, the legislature is considering a move to reduce the number of voting locations from 1,500 to four. To avoid having to stand in long lines, people will be encouraged to vote by mail, so long as they sign an affidavit pledging that they think Melania was a better First Lady than Michelle Obama.
In Tennessee, all Republican voters will be invited to use any of the 4,800 available drop box locations statewide. Democrat voters will be instructed to use any of the four convenient drop boxes located in Pidgeon Forge, TN, between the hours of 9pm and 11pm, on Tuesdays.
Texas: To prevent loitering, the Texas state legislature is reviewing a measure to fine anyone found at a polling station just “hanging out” with no clear purpose other than to vote, who refuses to disperse within 60 minutes. Anyone caught in the act of providing these loiterers with a chair for their comfort or water or other beverage will be fined and lose their right to vote unless they can provide a valid Republican party registration ID.
Alabama: Early voting has for years allowed people with nefarious motives to vote up to 21 days prior to the election. With this bill, early voting will be banned, as a way to prevent systemic voter fraud. Only votes submitted on election day will be counted. The sponsored legislation goes on to explain that in an effort to avoid long lines at the polls, Republican voters will be required to vote on election day. All others will be instructed to vote the day after the election by depositing their votes in the nearest designated official recycling bin.
Mississippi: Under the state’s historic initiative, anyone who is black or gay will henceforth be ineligible to vote. No further explanation was provided nor considered necessary.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021.
by TEJ | Jul 31, 2020 | Political humor
As many of you know, I’m a nationally sought-after brand marketer, known for my ability to come up with memorable slogans. Remember the Nike slogan, Just Do It? Well, technically, I didn’t come up with it, but the slogan I proposed was eerily similar: For Pete’s Sake, Get Off Your Ass and Do Something For Once In Your Life. Apparently, Nike did not recognize my true genius when it was right in front of them – outside their corporate headquarters’ main entrance, trying to sneak past security, so I could pitch my idea.
It has come to my attention that President Trump’s campaign is struggling to come up with a new campaign slogan for his 2020 re-election bid. He can’t use Make America Great Again because, well, he’s already accomplished that task bigly.
The challenge for our very stable Genius-in-Chief is that under his historically successful watch, the economy has cratered, and now unemployment is hovering at near Great Depression levels – totally not Trump’s fault. Personally, I blame Obama.
He’s also facing a pandemic that has killed over 150,000 citizens – again totally not Trump’s fault – he was out golfing when it happened and couldn’t be interrupted. Everybody who doesn’t watch Fake News knows China alone caused our mess. And then there’s the tens of thousands of black (and white, young and old, straight and gay) terrorists who have been taking to the streets to protest and rudely interfere with our dear president’s patriotic attempt at a photo op.
I almost feel sorry for the guy, seeing him flail about, as all the fake news disasters mount daily. That’s why I’ve offered to help him create a slogan for his 2020 campaign. I have come up with several captivating slogan ideas I plan to pitch to God’s Chosen Leader if he will ever return my phone calls. I’m just getting started.
Trump 2020 – Re-elect Me and I’ll Set Melania Free
Trump 2020 – Leading Our Country to Greatness, One Rage Tweet at a Time
Trump 2020 – Because It’s Time We Finally Opened Up Our National Parks to Bear Hunting and Oil Drilling
Trump 2020 – People Who Say I’m a Divisive President are Big, Fat, Ugly Losers
Trump 2020 – I’m a Very Stable Genius – Just ask Hannity
Trump 2020 – Making America the World Leader in Global Warming (That’s a good thing, isn’t it, Jared?)
Trump 2020 – Because Only I Can Save You* (*The preceding claim applies to millionaires, billionaires, Fortune 500 CEO’s, and members of Mar-a-Lago)
Trump 2020 – I’m Putin America First
Trump 2020 – Erasing Obama’s Legacy One Executive Order at a Time
Trump 2020 – Because who are you going to believe, 10,000 newspapers, magazines, cable networks and your own eyes or ME?
Trump 2020 – Keeping Out Mexicans Since 2017
Trump 2020 – Any Screw-ups were Eric’s Fault.
Trump 2020 – There Was No Collusion – Vlad Will Back Me on This
Trump 2020 – EVERYBODY LOVES ME* (*limited exceptions include blacks, Hispanics, women, Muslims, gays, anyone from a NATO country, people who have actually met Donald Trump, pets, Mother Nature…)
Trump 2020 – America’s Best President Ever. Lincoln Was Overrated.
Trump 2020 – I Will Finish that Mexican Wall and Mexico WILL Pay For It (or the American Taxpayers will, if Mexico won’t agree to my demands)
Trump 2020 – Space Force Was My Idea
Trump 2020 – Nobody Humps the Flag Like Me
Trump 2020 – Draining the Swamp (and filling it with Betsy DeVos, William Barr, …)
Trump 2020 – Only I Can Bring Our Country Together – Like I Did in Charlottesville
Trump 2020 – I Know More Than The Generals (That’s Why I Fired Them All and Replaced Them with a Colonel Sanders Impersonator)
Trump 2020 – I Stood Up to North Korea (and in the Process Fell In Love with Little Rocket Man)
Trump 2020 – I’m the Least Racist President In History. Negroes Love Me, Just Ask Kanye
Trump 2020 – I’m The Smartest Person You’ll Ever Meet (But If You attempt to Obtain My High School or College Transcripts, I’ll Sue You)
Trump 2020 – People May Love Fauci More Than Me, But I Can Fire Him at Any Moment
Trump 2020 – I Have the Longest Attention Spa – Hey, Look. It’s Ivanka
Trump 2020 – LAW & ORDER (describes a TV show, not my administration)
Trump 2020 – The First President to Almost Buy Greenland
Trump 2020 – It Took Me Just 12 Months to Unite All the NATO Nations (against me)
Trump 2020 – When It Comes to COVID-19, Two Words: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Trump 2020 – Only I Can Protect You from Cancer-Causing Windmills
Trump 2020 – I Aced the Memory Test: “Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV” – The Doctors Couldn’t Believe It!
Trump 2020 – Creating (and Destroying) the Greatest Economy in History
Trump 2020 – I SUPPORT NATO (Not Another Term, Okay?)
Trump 2020 – People are Dying to Re-elect Me
Trump 2020 – Vote for Me. Help Me Avoid Prison.
Trump 2020 – He May Be a Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath, But He’s Also an Idiot
Trump 2020 – The Buck Stops at Hillary
Trump 2020 – Because Great Leaders Inspect Bunkers During a Crisis
Trump 2020 – Tear Gassing Americans for Jesus!
Trump 2020 – Thanks to 150,000 Fewer People Left, My Unemployment Numbers Are Looking Up
Trump 2020 – What More Do You Have to Lose?
Trump 2020 – When Times Get Tough, The Tough Get Golfing
Trump 2024 – It’s Not Safe to Vote Right Now. So, I’m Postponing the Election for Four More Years
Make America Great Again…Vote for My Opponent!
Offer your own suggested slogans in the Comments section and help Make This Blog Great Again.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020
by TEJ | Jul 18, 2020 | In the News Humor
Now that it’s widely accepted that wearing masks can stop the spread of COVID, researchers are exploring new applications of mask technology. Take this DAD mask – designed to prevent the transmission of embarrassing comments from suburban dads who think they are way cooler than they are.
The widespread use of face masks has helped to reduce the spread of the Coronavirus around the world. Properly fitted N-95 and surgical masks catch microbes which people expel in a plume of air and droplets when we cough, sneeze, talk, or simply breathe. By wearing masks, we protect others from potentially dangerous infection.
The successful use of face masks against the pandemic has inspired scientists and public health professionals to look at further applications of mask technology to prevent the spread of other dangerous human expulsions across a wide array of personal interactions. Here are just a few of the exciting new applications currently under development.
Dad masks
These specially engineered masks have been designed to prevent the expulsion of embarrassing comments by fathers in the presence of their teenage children. In tests at the University of Maryland, these masks proved up to 75 percent effective in reducing the audibility of such cringe-worthy comments as, “So, what is this TikTok thing I’ve been hearing about? Is it a smart watch?” or “Hey, that band K-Pop is really awesome!” or “I finally learned the moves to the Macarena. Check this out.”
Wife masks
Infused with an amnesia agent, when properly worn by a nagging spouse, this mask causes total memory blockage of all of hubby’s flaws. No more tirades of “Get off the damn couch and do your chores!” or “Who cares about the Seahawks anyways?!” The agent wears off within 30 minutes after wives return to normalcy. Comes with an optional extender that covers the eyes, making it nearly impossible to detect exasperated eye rolls. Potential side effects include increased anxiety about the wearer’s weight and an inability to decide which earrings to wear.
Trump Shock masks
We wear masks not only to protect ourselves but also to protect others – in this case, misguided Trump fanatics. No longer will they have to endure the daily outbursts of shock and outrage by liberals over the latest inflammatory tweets by our not-so-esteemed President. With this mask, exclamations such as “Oh my God, did you hear what he said about Muslims!?” come out like “Ermgrd drdurrr wresrrd abr mrzms!?” thereby saving the feelings of white supremacists and the lives of liberals.
MAGA SUPPORTER mask – worn exactly how the 45th president recommends it be worn. (Not recommended for rational adults with the ability to think logically or spell complex words like “cat.”)
MAGA masks
Healthcare lab techs are developing a mask which will render MAGA believers invisible to normal adults. Still in early stages of R&D, it will feature a cloaking device activated the moment the MAGA mask wearer utters a moronic comment in support of his lord and master, thus sparing the rest of us having to look at the misguided sot. They are also working on an audio cloaking device, so you won’t have to listen to MAGA rants either, such as, “Trump’s the greatest president ever for blacks – better than Lincoln.” Not recommended for kids, as wearing it may make them harder to locate in a crowd. Mask comes with a safety disclaimer: “Please wear responsibly – which we realize may be an oxymoron.”
Zoom masks
The videoconferencing app Zoom has helped friends, family and business colleagues stay in touch during the pandemic while social distancing. However, it has also transformed mores of social propriety. Users have been recorded wearing no pants and proclaiming, “Thanks to this quarantine, I haven’t taken a shower in weeks.” While not actually preventing such divulging of TMI, wearing the Zoom mask acts as a reminder to think before exposing too much of yourself.
Small Children on Long Car Trip masks
While we love our kids, we don’t always love their incessant babbling and bickering on long road trips shouting, “I need to go – NOW!” and “Brittany keeps poking me! Mom, make her stop!” With this mask, these problems disappear completely. An ingenious filter inserted into the lining delivers a child-safe dosage of propofol – just enough to knock out your little angel for eight whole hours. Kid-friendly designs include Buzz Lightyear, Elsa, and for teens, the popular Hannibal Lecter.
Soccer Player Furious for Getting a Yellow Card masks
The ALIEN FACEHUGGER mask. In addition to preventing the spread of the Coronavirus, it offers the added functionality of preventing any intimate contact with the opposite sex.
All too often, professional soccer players get ejected because they mouthed off at the referee after receiving a yellow card. Now they need never fear ejection. That’s because this mask is equipped with a built-in translation microchip that converts their obscenity-laced tirade into soft-spoken compliments. The next time Manchester United’s left midfielder gets yellow carded for tripping and shouts, “Hey, ref! Sod off, you bloody dim-witted arse! Get your fuckin’ eyes checked, you rat bastard”, what the referee hears instead is, “Mr. Ref, sir, you made the right call. I will mend my ways henceforth. Keep up the great job.” Available in Cockney, Scot, Italian and Bronx accents.
Comic-Con masks
Comic-Con is the biggest event of the year for people who have never dated. It’s where thousands of comic book fans converge to swap memorabilia and listen to celebrities tell them to please, for the love of God, get a life. This mask doesn’t really have a purpose – much like the Comic Con fanatics who wear them. But it comes in a variety of Superhero versions, including The Hulk, Captain America, and Ant Man (available only in XXXXXX Small).
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
This week’s post was written in collaboration with my longtime friend and fellow humor writer, Steve Fisher. Steve lives in Prague, Czech Republic, where he has been an actor and writer for the past 28 years. He has published three collections of his satirical stories which appeared from 2012-2016 as a regular column in the weekly Czech magazine Reflex under the banner “Američan v Praze” (“An American in Prague”).
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020. Edited by Betsy Jones
by TEJ | Jun 7, 2020 | Political humor
[Author’s Note: I had the most wonderful dream last night, which I’m going to tell you all about below. It felt so real. I woke up positively gleeful, feeling hopeful for the first time in four years. It may have been the after-effects of anesthesia from my recent knee replacement surgery, but I’d like to think it was prophetic. A guy can dream, can’t he? Below is the news story I dreamed I read. – TEJ]
JOE BIDEN BECOMES 46th PRESIDENT
YEARS OF NATIONAL EMBARRASSMENT FINALLY OVER
[January 20, 2021 – Washington, D.C.] On an extraordinary day in American history that many thought might never happen, Joseph R. Biden, Jr. was sworn in as the 46th president of the United States. An inaugural crowd in excess of three million cheered wildly, tears pouring down the faces of men, women, children, and dogs. FOX NEWS reported the occasion as “A day that will go down in infamy,” and reminded its 6,000 remaining viewers that 23 million citizens had attended Donald Trump’s 2016 inauguration (even though historians agree it was closer to 350,000, most of whom were hired actors).
Biden’s induction closes the book on the most contentious election in modern times, marred by widespread disinformation campaigns and accusations of voter fraud on both sides. While no evidence of such fraud has been found involving our new president’s campaign, authenticated videos have surfaced of Trump and Vladimir Putin naked in a sauna at Mar-a-Lago drawing up plans to rig the voting in 29 states. Granted, the documents are difficult to decipher since the crayon markings were in Russian and they mostly melted in the steam, but many of the stick figures clearly show Russian spies replacing voting booths with slot machines in Democratic-leaning districts.
This bombshell story was covered in detail by every major media outlet, except Fox News, which counter-programmed with wall-to-wall coverage of Hillary’s emails and Obamagate. Despite Trump and Putin’s conniving, in the end, the result wasn’t even close. Biden carried 49 states, though he narrowly lost in Mississippi, thanks to a recently enacted provision in their state constitution making it illegal to vote for a Democrat.
Nevertheless, Trump insisted his opponent unfairly won the election with 27 million fake votes from illegal Mexican immigrants, ISIS terrorists and black people, all of whom “don’t count”, he tweeted. In an unprecedented move, the outgoing president declined to attend the inauguration ceremony, choosing instead to chain himself to the American flag in the Oval Office. As staff scurried from the White House, they could hear their former Commander-in-Chief screaming, “Go blow, Joe! This is MY house!”
As the new First Couple drove to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Secret Service agents stormed the Oval Office, tackled the flailing Trump, and restrained him in a straitjacket, taking pains to make sure the flag never touched the ground. Having narrowly averted an awkward confrontation with the incoming president, the Secret Service turned their prisoner over to a heavily armed unit of Navy Seals, Randy Rainbow fans and Black Lives Matter activists chanting, “Lock Him Up” as they escorted him off the premises. It was difficult to make out exactly what Trump was ranting since, for the first time ever, he was forced to wear a mask, for the protection of everyone around him.
Trump’s attorneys filed a last-minute petition to the US Supreme Court, asking them to invalidate the election and give their client four more years in office. They cited an untested legal principle, “My opponent is a loser.” Their 11th hour appeal was rejected in a 9-0 decision. Justice Ginsberg tweeted the Court’s decision, stating:
“The Court finds no legal basis to intervene in the outcome of the election. Besides, Mr. Trump is just being a total douche. To teach him to not waste the Court’s time, we’re releasing all his tax returns. Have a nice day.”
Speaking of Justice Ginsberg, after posting the verdict, she issued a press release announcing she is 100% cancer-free and plans to stay on the court for the next 10 years – mainly just to piss off Mitch McConnell.
Now that the Democrats have won back the White House, expanded their control of the House and taken back the Senate, experts anticipate Biden will announce several bold initiatives in the areas of climate change, healthcare, and gun control. His proposed Executive Order that employers greet employees with a hug and a shoulder rub may, however, meet with some resistance.
With Vice President Oprah Winfrey at his side, the 46th president apologized for the previous administration’s offensive actions to the WHO, NATO, blacks, Hispanics, women, and people who value proper spelling. He went on to reinstate diplomatic relations with the exhaustive list of former allies whom Trump had alienated. In a gesture of goodwill, Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau formally reversed course and decided to scrap his country’s plans to build a southern border wall.
Speaking of border walls, in his first address as president, Biden declared that all work on a Mexican border wall would be permanently halted, and the construction teams would be redirected to build an impenetrable wall around the former president. When asked whether he would consider pardoning Trump for all the state and federal charges piling up against him, Biden added, “Absolutely not. Do I look like Gerald Ford?”
As this new administration begins its journey to Make America Respectable Again, there is breaking news regarding the COVID pandemic. Just hours after Biden took the oath of office, scientists from five countries gathered to announce a vaccine that has been shown to be 99.99999% effective – and that all Americans can get it for free. When asked how they developed a vaccine so quickly, Anthony Fauci, former Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (fired by Trump), explained, “While Trump was spreading lies to vilify his opponent, Biden was personally funding our research. We figured out a vaccine a couple months ago, but no way were we letting Trump take the credit.”
Speculation abounds about the former president’s future plans. Will he start Trump News Network to keep his base energized and loyal? Now that his marriage with Melania is in tatters, will he finally wed the love of his life (other than himself, that is), namely, his daughter Ivanka? Or will he pitch Putin on a new reality show, Moscow Celebrity Apprentice? Trump has been surprisingly mum about his next chapter (11), partly because he’s been banned for life by Twitter and Facebook. Also, the psychiatric hospital currently detaining him for observation doesn’t allow phone privileges.
In other news, the Seattle Seahawks beat the New Orleans Saints 37-20 before a sold-out stadium of 60,000 screaming Hawks fans, to advance to the Super Bowl. (Like I said, a guy can dream.)
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020
by TEJ | Mar 15, 2020 | Political humor
An Exclusive Report from View from the Bleachers
Experts worry that Trump may be exposing thousands to the Coronavirus, as he continues to pump flesh everywhere he goes. Other scholars argue that millions of unsuspecting Americans have already been deeply infected by Trump. They’re easy to spot. They’re the ones wearing the red baseball caps.
Washington, D.C. – In recent weeks, millions of Americans have become increasingly anxious as endless streams of news reports warn about a nasty, contaminating, virulent malignancy that cannot be contained. But Donald Trump isn’t the only thing they’re worried about.
They’re also a tad on edge about the Coronavirus, officially known as COVID-19. Even more frightening than a reality show host having access to nuclear launch codes, there are alarming indications the President himself may have contracted the Coronavirus.
Dr. David Britton, Chief of Immunology and Infectious Diseases at The Mayo Clinic, said, “There are several obvious signs the President has been exposed to COVID-19. Just look at his facial discoloration. What normal healthy human being has a face the color of Doritos?” Dr. Britton noted that in Trump’s recent Oval Office Address, “He appeared to be breathing very heavily throughout the speech, a major symptom of the Coronavirus.”
Medical authorities concur that Trump fits the profile of individuals most vulnerable. As Dr. Margaret Chen, Chief of Epidemiology at New York’s Presbyterian Hospital, explained it: “Look at the man. He’s practically the textbook definition of a high risk candidate: He’s over 70 years old, has extremely poor dietary habits, is morbidly overweight, and is a complete idiot. He’s a walking time bomb.”
The Center For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has listed numerous warning signs that all appear present in President Trump: He exhibits shortness of breath, coughs a lot, demonstrates obvious mental decline, is easily agitated, has an inability to tell the truth, tends to be vindictive and hold grudges, exhibits patterns of xenophobia and racism, and possesses surprisingly small hands for an adult.
In a recent Oval Office address to the nation, doctors, advisers, and even children noticed Trump’s chronic excessively heavy breathing – a clear sign he might be infected – and really sucks at delivering speeches with a tele-prompter.
For weeks, healthcare professionals have been advising Americans to avoid large crowds and physical contact with others, especially shaking hands. And yet, there is one American who, for reasons unknown, continues to ignore the advice of the medical community: Donald Trump.
Trump, who famously does not believe in science, continues to shake hands wherever he is: at Mar-a-Lago dinner parties, in rope lines, at rallies, and even the White House Rose Garden. He explains his invincibility, stating, “I’m a very stable genius”, making it abundantly clear that he is “smarter than the medical professionals” – not to mention the generals. He has successfully calmed the nation’s worries by assuring us that he has a hunch: “This will all miraculously go away in April when the weather warms up.”
The President has made repeated assurances that he’s AOK and doesn’t need to be tested because this entire crisis is a “fake news” hoax fabricated by Democrats to hurt his re-election chances. Nevertheless, CDC officials are not quite as confident as the Genius-in-Chief. And they’re not nearly as optimistic that “warm weather” is the cure for this pandemic.
Researchers have used computer modelling to predict that, unless drastic efforts are implemented quickly, between 70 and 200 million Americans could eventually contract COVID-19. That’s why they are urging all Americans to keep a safe distance – from President Trump. In fact, as a precautionary measure, First Lady Melania has taken great strides to keep a safe distance from the President at all times – going back to the start of his administration, adding, “Why would I want to be exposed to someone that toxic?”
There is a palpable unease that because the President appears to be afflicted with this pernicious pathogen, he might infect countless others – including millions of unwitting (by which we mean witless) Fox News viewers as they literally absorb every word and movement of their Hero in Chief as reported by Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, and other suspected carriers.
Many of the world’s most renown scientists fear that Trump could spread his contagious physical (and mental) illness to many of his fervent supporters. “If you want my advice,” said Dr. Edwin Templeton, spokesperson for the World Health Organization, “every patriotic American who supports President Trump should avoid any Trump rallies – or voting booths – at least until after the first Tuesday in November. Just to be on the safe side.”
If Trump has the Coronavirus, the most important task is to prevent it from spreading. Here is a most innovative idea for how to contain Trump’s disease and MAKE AMERICA SAFE AGAIN.
The President’s personal physician suggested certain prophylactic measures to his patient, but Trump protested, “I will not use a condom!”
Communicable disease experts are considering defensive steps to help prevent the spread of Trump’s contagion. One recommendation is that Trump be quarantined immediately – perhaps by building an impenetrable wall around the Oval Office – a big, beautiful wall. Upon hearing this proposal, Mexico’s president, Andrés Manuel López Obrador, told reporters, “Mexico will gladly pay for the wall.”
Medical scholars across the country familiar with the progression of the Coronavirus argue that it has already significantly diminished Trump’s cognitive abilities. They point to his great difficulty spelling commonly used words including “honered”, “presedent”, “Caronavirus:, “Melanie”, and “kat.” They further speculate that, given his advanced age and diminished mental capacity, there could soon come a point at which Trump may have to step down, as the malady overtakes him completely.
On the bright side, if the Coronavirus has indeed infected Trump and he soon becomes so incapacitated that he is forced to abdicate, medical authorities express confidence that the mental and emotional health of millions of Americans may dramatically improve overnight just at the thought of anyone other than Trump sitting in the Oval Office.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020
