by TEJ | Aug 25, 2019 | Political humor
President Trump announces his latest deal: Trump Greenland. “Denmark’s loss is MY gain. Come join me and let’s MAKE GREENLAND GREEN AGAIN!”
August 26, 2019. Nuuk, Greenland – It was announced today that Trump Worldwide Resorts will soon open the crowning jewel in its long list of elite luxury properties: TRUMP GREENLAND.
Initial errant remarks by Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen suggested that Denmark’s large, ice-covered autonomous territory was not for sale. However, Trump Organization officials are pleased to report that after six hours of intense negotiations and name calling, the President was able to purchase Greenland for the bargain price of $500 billion – after turning down Denmark’s initial offer of $400 billion. Trump had to sweeten the deal by furnishing the PM Frederiksen with her own lavish penthouse suite – and giving Denmark full title to California.
Skeptics expressed concern about how The Donald would raise such vast funds, given our current deficit crisis. The President quickly reassured Americans that he will simply divert hundreds of billions previously set aside for Social Security. He tweeted, “Social Security is a socialist anti-American scheme. It even has the word ‘social’ right there in its name. Lame.”
“This is a great win for me, I mean for the United States of America,” said our Commander-in-Chief, who also proclaimed that “this is the greatest single real estate deal in history – way better than when we bought Manhattan from the pre-Americans. And it’s way more bigly than the Louisiana Purchase deal with the French. Whoever even heard of the country of Louisiana, anyway! Boring.”
Greenland’s population is a mere 56,000 folks (about the attendance at a sold out New York Mets game). But it’s geographically huge, roughly the size of western Europe. An added plus: It comes with virtually none of those pretentious Parisians or bombastic Brits.
Some economists had questioned the wisdom of spending half a trillion dollars to acquire a barren, rocky, arctic landmass, of which 85% is perpetually covered in ice. But, in a rare moment of environmental awareness, the President explained that because of the rampant acceleration of global warming, Greenland’s ice sheet, which is melting at a fantastic rate of 12 billion tons per day, will soon be history.
“In less than 20 years, Greenland will truly become a GREEN LAND again, get it?” quipped the President, making one of his signature hilarious jokes. He pointed out that all this emerging greenery, coupled with the projected two-foot rise in the earth’s sea level will make Greenland the perfect vacation destination for golf, tennis, and real family fun: harpooning for dolphins.
Taking questions before boarding Marine One, the President added, “Think about it. Where are you gonna go on vacation when Miami and Aruba are two feet under water? Answer? Greenland. Problem solved!”
Trump described how Greenland’s craggy coastline will make the perfect backdrop for oceanfront condos, five-star restaurants and Benetton shops. Projections are that labor costs will be minimal because most Greenlanders are unemployed and would be eager for any job. “We plan to pay them in halibut and reindeer meat. They’ll be thrilled just not to be starving,” said Donald Trump Jr., himself a noted wildlife enthusiast and the person President Trump has tasked with launching the construction of Trump Greenland.
An artist’s rendering of the first of five planned resort hotels to be built at Trump Greenland. Every effort will be made to ensure the resort blends in with the natural surroundings.
“Greenland is an exotic land filled with calving glaciers, flowing fiords and snow-capped mountains”, spouted Jr. “The new and improved Trump Greenland will host nature tours via helicopters and snowcats where families can hunt down their own endangered polar bears for their trophy walls back home. Come see all this incredibly pristine arctic beauty – before it’s gone!”
Advanced promotional literature claims that when Trump Greenland opens, it will be like no other golf-tennis-casino resort in the country – because it will be the only golf-tennis-casino resort in that country. The native Greenlanders are warm, gentle people. And you’ll have plenty of opportunities to get to know them up close as they refill your margaritas and take your bets at the Reindeer Roulette table.
And the food is to die for! If you’re the adventurous type, why not try the Mattak (whale skin) served raw with a mild otter sauce. Or sample the national soup of Greenland called suaasat, made from 100% natural ingredients: seal, reindeer, and tundra swans – lightly breaded. Then again, if that’s not to your taste, sink your teeth into a thick juicy Trump Steak (a few crates remain from the failed 2007 launch of Trump’s branded beef).
At a press conference, the president’s newly appointed Prime Minister of Greenland, Ivanka, unveiled a gorgeous architectural rendering of the planned resort, which will feature two tasteful 60-foot giant gold-plated whale statues at the main entrance, blowing poker chips out of their blowholes into a glacier-fed fountain. She announced that construction is expected to begin just as soon as the engineers can figure out how to load the 20’x30’ hotel windowpanes onto dog sleds.
The President then patriotically tweeted, “Come to my newest property, TRUMP GREENLAND, and together let’s MAKE GREENLAND GREEN AGAIN!”
Negotiations will soon be under way for Trump’s next world-class four-season resort. He is actively pursuing the purchase of a large, remote, unheard of island continent in the Pacific – provided Australia’s Prime Minister Morrison ever answers Donald’s phone calls.
For more information contact Eric Trump at pleaselovemedaddy@trump.com.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019
by TEJ | Jul 14, 2019 | In the News Humor
Behold my ingenious solution for ending all wars: Put down the guns and missiles. Pick up a cupcake. Nobody can stay mad when they’re scarfing down a red velvet cupcake – except for Genghis Khan. He hated everybody – and was allergic to flour. So sad.
As a retired five-star general in the US Air Force who served in both Gulf wars, and is occasionally accused of being mildly delusional, I consider myself an expert in military strategy, international diplomacy and the board game RISK.
In my youth, I sought power, prestige, and a dress uniform filled with shiny medals. With the wisdom of age, I now realize that what really matters in life are three things: Kindness, Compassion, Integrity and Meat Lovers’ Pizza. Okay, technically, that’s four things. Thankfully, throughout my prestigious Pentagon career, I was always surrounded by colonels who were better at math than I was.
Where am I going with this? Hell if I know. My ADHD medication hasn’t kicked in yet. But I think my point was that the world is falling apart. Tensions are ramping up along the Israel-Gaza border, in the streets of Venezuela, and among long-suffering Baltimore Orioles fans who bought season tickets this year. They chose poorly.
People are fearful that our country will get dragged into yet another armed conflict in the Middle East or North Korea. Fortunately, I have just the plan to de-escalate these hostilities. Two words: CUP CAKES! Okay, I’ve just been informed by one of my colonels that ‘cupcakes’ is, strictly speaking, one word. But who’s counting?
My point is: Nobody can resist cupcakes. Period. The End. When was the last time you saw people fight when cupcakes were being served (unless it was arguing over dibs on the last one)? If one of your co-workers brings cupcakes to the office to share, it is undeniably far and away the single best thing that will happen to you that entire day – unless you win the Pennsylvania $100 million lottery that day. Then, yeah, arguably that would be slightly better. I know your in-laws never approved of you marrying their daughter. But I guarantee if you bring cupcakes to the next family outing, they may even start calling you by your actual name.
Imagine if during the Civil War, the Union Generals thought to assault the Confederates with cupcakes instead of guns. The boys in grey, overjoyed at receiving cupcakes, would have put down their bayonets, embraced their brothers in blue, and the slaves would have been freed by dinner time. There is the remote possibility that the unarmed Union troops would have been annihilated, but they’d have died with a smile – and cupcake crumbs – on their faces.
Had Marie Antoinette said, “Let them eat Cupcakes” instead of “Let them eat cake,” the peasants may well have stormed the bakeries instead of the Bastille, Marie would have saved her neck, and France would still be a monarchy today. Okay, that last consequence might not please everyone’s palette. And Marie would have no doubt been voted the most popular queen in French history in a Twitter insta-poll, had Twitter existed back in 1793. #MarieAntoinette #letthemeatcupcakes.
Think about how WW II could have ended years sooner if instead of dropping bombs on Germany, we dropped thousands of German Chocolate cupcakes instead – maybe with those cute little mini-parachutes. Admittedly that would have been quite the added expense. (Note: If you run out of cupcakes, free kittens is a great back-up plan. They can be airdropped as well, but with slightly bigger parachutes.) In my assessment, countless lives would have been spared – albeit shortened due to the serious spike in cholesterol from all that cupcake binging. But then, that’s how the cookie – or cupcake – crumbles when you start a war with the makers of Betty Crocker chocolate fudge cupcakes.
Imagine if in the Battle of Bunker Hill, the American cannons had fired cupcakes instead of cannonballs. The Revolutionary War would have been over in days, not years – and we’d still be pledging allegiance to the Queen. Maybe that would not be such a bad thing right now.
I have no doubt that the Iraq War could have been averted if we had used a carrot and stick approach – make that a carrot (cup)cake and stick approach:
“Saddam, you have a choice: Free your people now and step down from power, and we’ll give you a lifetime’s supply of carrot cupcakes, or we will erase that smarmy mustache off every single statue of you.”
I am convinced he would have jumped at the carrot cupcakes option – unless he was more of a Snickerdoodle cupcake fan. But what are the odds of that? As for Desert Storm, had I been in charge of military strategy, I would have gone with Dessert Storm instead.
By the way, a lot of people worry that Donald Trump won’t leave the Oval Office even if he loses the 2020 election. But have you ever checked out his diet? Simply present him with a case of 24 Vanilla Salted Caramel cupcakes and a bucket of KFC (flanked by a contingent of 200 Marine Green Berets with assault rifles), and he’d be out the door before he could say, “I’m a very stable genius.”
In conclusion, as a highly respected military strategist and someone who has not lost at the board game Stratego in 20 years, I’m telling you, the key to achieving lasting global peace is through cupcake diplomacy.
There is one small risk, hardly worth mentioning. And that’s if Russian President Putin gets wind of this strategy. That devious dictator might manipulate Trump into ceding Alabama to Russia by giving him a gift basket of assorted cupcakes. That would be a serious tactical error on Trump’s part. If I were the President’s military advisor, I would counsel him to give up West Virginia instead.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019
by TEJ | May 20, 2019 | In the News Humor, Political humor
[Author’s Warning: This week’s post is in response to the Alabama State Legislature’s decision to pass the most draconian anti-abortion law in the country. So, if you’re from Alabama, or perhaps just a big Crimson Tide fan, you might want to skip this week’s post. I hear there’s a good NASCAR race on TV. You might want to watch that instead. – TEJ]
This is the Alabama State Capitol, where the State Legislature recently enacted the nation’s strictest anti-abortion law. A bill that would terminate black voting rights narrowly failed to pass.
The nation’s attention recently pivoted to Alabama, where last week, the state senate, in an overwhelming 25 – 6 vote along party and gender lines, passed landmark legislation banning all abortions in Alabama – including in cases of rape or incest – with the lone exception of when the mother’s life is in danger. Physicians found guilty of violating this new law will face the possibility of up to 99 years in prison – or, even harsher, having to spend the rest of their lives in Alabama.
Bolstered by a large fundamentalist Christian constituency, who fervently believe white men and God should have the last say over women’s bodies, the Alabama state governing powers have been emboldened to push through several other ground-breaking bills, all in an effort to return Alabama to its Antebellum glory years. Here are just a few under consideration:
Ensuring the safety of women
In a further effort to protect women from being forced to make their own decisions, Alabama State Senator Cletus Schitfourbraynz has proposed requiring all female drivers to be accompanied by their husbands or boyfriends while driving – unless the ‘Bama game is on and her man needs her to make a beer run, in which case, women can drive unaccompanied provided they’re wearing a GPS ankle monitor to track their location.
Protecting the rights of black citizens
State Senator Beauregard de Racistidyohti has crafted a measure to make it easier – and safer – for blacks and other minorities to vote – by providing them with their own special day to cast their ballots – one day after the official election. This legislation has the full support of the Alabama chapter of Kind Karing Kinfolk (more commonly known simply as the KKK).
Beloved State Senator Wendall “Grandpa” Batshitowski proposes requiring all children to pack heat in the classroom, for their protection. Here he is demonstrating a prototype of the new “Fun Size” Revolver (for ages 5 and under).
Automating the voting process
To further improve the voting experience and reduce electoral confusion, all ballots in perpetuity will be pre-checked with Donald Trump for president. If for any unfathomable reason, one wishes to change one’s vote to the non-Trump candidate, the process is simple. One simply fills out a ten-page change request form, provide proof of citizenship, submit five years of tax returns, write a 1,000-word essay on “Why I hate America” – and remit a $100 vote change processing fee payable to the Alabama Republican Party. This measure has the added perk of reducing voter fraud, which is rampant in the south.
Establishing an official state religion
Despite the fact that the U.S. Constitution forbids the establishment of a state religion, State Senator Buford Goodolboyze is pushing for the establishment of the Southern Baptist faith as the official religion of Alabama. People found guilty of espousing Jewish, Muslim or agnostic beliefs will be sentenced to five years in prison and subjected to mandatory viewings of Jimmy Swaggart and The 700 Club 12 hours a day during their incarceration.
Creating a new state holiday to celebrate Alabama’s illustrious history
State Senator Cavemanus, Né Andertholl, is advocating for a new state holiday to honor one of the most widely admired people in US history: Jefferson Davis. Davis became the first (and last) President of the Confederate States of America until the money-grubbing northern terrorists illegally took away white people’s God-given right to own slaves.
The holiday will be observed every January 20th, which just coincidentally had been Martin Luther King Jr. Day, until a state constitutional amendment eradicated the latter holiday. Senator Jedediah Lynchum spoke for the majority, declaring, “that King fella was arrested more times than I can count, so clearly, he was a criminal.”
Protecting our children
In an effort to stem gun violence in our schools, Senator Smith N. Wesson has proposed making it mandatory to arm every student with a gun. To ensure this program is implemented safely, assault rifles will only be issued to young children IF they pass a grueling gun safety test in which they must spell the words “assault rifle” with no more than three errors.
In a vote largely along gender lines, the State Senate’s white, male Republican majority pushed through legislation allowing women to dress up “as fancy as you gals wanna” – so long as it’s in the kitchen. Women also now have the option of going barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen as well.
Protecting the sanctity of the flag
If Senator Lucius Dumasbrix gets his way, soon it will become a felony punishable by imprisonment to be caught burning or otherwise disfiguring the flag. For clarification, he’s talking about the Confederate flag. What people do to disrespect the American flag, is, of course, their choice, protected by the First Amendment.
Banning the teaching religion in schools
Teaching religion in schools will hereby be banned – unless, of course, it’s Christianity – the one true religion, according to a bill recently put forth by Senator Ima Morone. Also verboten/forbidden will be the teaching of long-ago debunked myths such as evolution, dinosaurs roaming the earth, climate change and the moon landing hoax.
Helping the homeless
In an effort to help the needy, Senator Ned Jewzahrbadde, has proposed distributing free Bibles to thousands of homeless and needy Alabamians. The Senator argues this program will not cost the taxpayers any money, as the legislature will simply reallocate funds previously assigned to the Food Banks.
And this just in. Apparently Alabama will soon be replacing their state capitol’s statue of native son, country singer Hank Williams, with a 50-foot gold-plated likeness of President Trump, widely regarded as our nation’s greatest president (after Jefferson Davis, that is), according to a poll of white rural voters with a fifth grade education who still think the term “Negro” is socially acceptable.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019
by TEJ | Mar 24, 2019 | Political humor
March Madness – a term that to millions of Americans means a time of excitement and anticipation as they root for their favorite basketball team. Or, in the case of our president, it refers to any random day between March 1 and 31.
It’s that time of year when millions of Americans take off early from work, head to the nearest bar, grab a seat in front of a large screen TV and go crazy with March Madness – perhaps the most exciting sporting event of the year. No, not the NCAA tournament, silly! I’m talking about the Big Show, MAGA March Madness.
Robert Mueller has officially submitted his report to Attorney General Barr. Now multiple congressional committee hearings are gearing up to subpoena witnesses and documents to determine who the most culpable parties are.
Throughout this saga, an entire nation will be fixated to see who the winners and losers are going to be in the epic legal and political battle about to unfold in Congress and in the courts. Office pools will form, as people place their bets on whether Donald Trump will survive the gauntlet of highly motivated opponents hoping to bring his reign as champion to an end.
View from the Bleachers, long recognized as the definitive source for inaccurate, sophomoric and wildly misinformed journalism, is pleased to be the first major (or minor) media organization to announce the 2019 MAGA March Madness Tournament Bracket pairings. First, here’s a peak at this year’s regions:
East Region: Russia Collusion
West Region: Campaign Finance Violations
South Region: Obstruction of Justice
Midwest Region: Fraud & Corruption
Here are the official bracket pairings, as announced by ESPN and the Justice Department:
All sixteen teams selected are formidable competitors. Any one of them has the track record to make it to the finals. But there was one surprise in this year’s pairings: For what is surely a first in the history of the March Madness tournament, one team has been assigned a spot coming out of all four regions – Donald Trump.
This would seem at first blush to give him a significantly unfair advantage over the competition. In response to fan protests, Trump said he earned this special seeding since he’s the world’s best deal maker. Indeed, one need look no further for proof of this than his tremendous success negotiating with Kim Jong-un. When asked in a press conference why he got so many slots, Trump simply smiled and remarked, “I deserve it,” adding, “No one is more deserving than me.”
In the West “Campaign Finance Violations” Region, Trump faces stiff opposition from several teams that he claims have been lying about his accomplishments for much of the past season. He contends that, “in the spirit of fair play”, they all should be eliminated from the tournament (and jailed), starting with his former attorney and fixer, Michael Cohen. But the committee has decided to let them play despite the President’s repeated ALL-CAPS tweet storms protesting, “SO UNFAIR! #SAD! #MAGA!”
To be sure, the Midwest “Fraud & Corruption” Region is no sleeper bracket either. It contains several high-powered opponents whose history of success and achievement Donald Trump has pointed out repeatedly (and taken credit for). One team to watch closely is First Son-in-Law Jared, whom Trump hired as a special advisor to handle all domestic and international affairs of state, so that Donald could focus on the most pressing demands of his presidency – tweeting, binging on Fox & Friends in his pajamas, and golfing.
Still other pundits argue that the region to look out for is the South: “Obstruction of Justice”. This field contains an embarrassment of riches. In fact, even the 4th seed – Republicans in Congress – is a serious contender to wrap up this bracket if Trump falters. This team has done a remarkable job over the past two years of slowing down any and every congressional investigation into the Trump campaign or presidency. They are in many ways the perfect complement to Team Trump’s corruption and obfuscation in that they never utter an uncomplimentary word about their Commander in Chief.
Still, many experts feel that the most compelling battle may emerge from the East: “Russia Collusion.” While Trump is the top seed in this region, many sports commentators make the case they should have given the top spot to Russian President Putin arguing that Trump is just following Putin’s game plan.
In examining the final bracket pairings, the committee had to make several difficult decisions as to who to let in and who to eliminate. Some noteworthy obstructers and fraudsters who ended up on the outside of the bubble looking in include First Daughter Ivanka Trump, Commerce Secretary Wilber Ross, Blackwater founder Erik Prince, foreign policy adviser George Papadopoulos, and dozens of Russian operatives, to name a few. The committee apologized to the aforementioned teams, acknowledging that they were all highly worthy of consideration in this prestigious field of schemers, liars, evaders, enablers and sycophants. But their efforts fell slightly short of the high bar of corruption needed to make the final selection. Maybe next year.
Who will win the prestigious MAGA trophy? That’s anybody’s guess. But President Trump, the number one overall seed, has repeatedly predicted that in the end, he will triumph. He has called all the other teams opposed to him losers and has declared that he is the only true WINNER in this tournament, and after he wins, he plans to finish building the Wall, which, by the way he tweeted is already mostly done.
Trump added, “If I don’t win the championship, then it just means it was rigged. Fake Refs. Hillary’s emails. #Lock her up!” Despite the end of the Special Counsel investigation, the congressional committees are just getting ramped up, so it’s way too early to know who will come out on top in the finals.
Let the games begin. Don’t forget to send in your own bracket picks, along with a check for $500, to VFTB’s MAGA March Madness tournament pool. The winning entry just might win the restoration of democracy in America (unless Trump wins, that is, in which case God help us all). Send in your brackets to NoOneIsAboveTheLaw@InPrisonYouCantTweet.com.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019
by TEJ | Feb 5, 2019 | Political humor
[Author’s note: This post was conceived by and co-written with my dear old pal Steve Fisher, who has been regularly making me laugh since we were 12 years old. Steve left the U.S. in 1991 and since then has been living happily in Prague, Czech Republic. Now retired, Steve mostly spends his time reading The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Guardian and The New Yorker, and watching Rachel Maddow, Morning Joe, Meet the Press and Face the Nation. His most frequent thought these days is “Holy shit!”]
Over the first two years of Donald Trump’s presidency, he has made countless incredible statements and many bold claims about how great he is, how horrible his detractors are, and all the historic achievements he has made, which, according to him, no other president has accomplished.
According to the Washington Post’s Fact Checker database, in his first two years of office, Trump has made over 6,400 false or misleading claims.
Every day he makes another outrageous pronouncement. It has gotten to the point where it can be extremely hard to know if even he believes the things that he says. So, as a public service, View from the Bleachers has created a Trump Translation Guide to help people understand what our president is REALLY trying to say.
Below is a small sampling of some of President Trump’s recent statements and our best guestimate of what he actually means. We apologize for any correct spellings which may appear to contradict the President’s preferred misspelling.
| TRUMP EXPRESSION |
TRANSLATION |
| “No collusion” |
“Collusion” |
| “Fake news” |
“Fact-based objective reporting” |
| “Failing New York Times” |
“Winner of 125 Pulitzer Prizes” |
| “People are saying” |
“I’m the only one saying this” |
| “Lots of people are saying” |
“Virtually everyone is saying the complete opposite” |
| “Leaker” |
“Whistleblower” |
| “Dirty lying leaker” |
“Patriot” |
| “Hoax” |
“Unfortunately, not a hoax” |
| “Witch hunt” |
“Federal law enforcement effort to reveal gravest political corruption and threat to national security in U.S. history” |
| “I didn’t know anything about him doing that.” |
“I specifically told him to do that.” |
| “He only worked for me for a very short time.” |
“He has a lot of damaging information about me.” |
| “He’s been treated terribly by the FBI. He’s very brave, and I have tremendous respect for him.” |
“I hope he won’t flip on me.” |
| “I’ve never heard such an insulting question.” |
“Yes, I did do that.” |
| “I have no business dealings with Russia.” |
“Russian oligarchs have done money laundering through my properties since the 1980s.” |
| “No President has ever been tougher on Russia than I have.” |
“I made Putin say ‘please’ before I agreed to pull all our troops out of Syria.” |
| “My father gave me a loan of a million dollars.” |
“My father gave me hundreds of millions of dollars in an illegal tax-evasion scheme.” |
| “I know how to build things. I mean, hey, that’s what I do.” |
“I know how to create fraudulent businesses, strip their assets and then declare bankruptcy. I mean, hey, that’s what I do.” |
| “I know more than the generals do.” |
“…if the question is, how do you accidentally start a nuclear war.” |
| “I have hand-picked an outstanding team [Mattis, Tillerson, McMaster, Sessions, Omarosa…].” |
“On second thought, they’re all losers.” |
| “I will drain the swamp.” |
“I will fill the swamp even deeper.” |
| “The best people” |
“Unqualified, incapable and corrupt people” |
| “Good people” |
“White supremacists” |
| “A good boy” |
“My inept and unscrupulous son” |
| “Murderers, rapists, drug dealers and other really bad hombres” |
“Terrified refugees, mostly families, fleeing from violence, poverty and hunger” |
| “Mexico will pay for it.” |
“American taxpayers will pay for it.” |
| “North Korea is no longer a nuclear threat.” |
“North Korea is continuing to build up its nuclear arsenal unimpeded.” |
| “I am the most presidential person ever to sit in the Oval Office.” |
“I will go on a Tweet storm at 6am from the toilet anytime someone says anything mean about me.” |
| “As for the Prince, maybe he did it, maybe he didn’t. Nobody knows. He says he didn’t.” |
“He did it.” |
| “It was a very productive meeting.” |
“I talked non-stop for 45 minutes without anyone daring to interrupt me and then got up and left.” |
| “I’m, like, an incredibly smart person.” |
“I have no idea what I’m doing.” |
| “I’m a technology expert.” |
“I know how to use the button on my desk to order a Coke.” |
| “Only I can solve it.” |
“I’ll have Jared take care of it.” |
| “I am the greatest president in history – okay maybe second after Lincoln.” |
“Lincoln is the only other president whose name I can remember.” |
| “I am the least racist person you’ll ever meet.” |
“So long as you’re white, that is.” |
| “We have defeated ISIS.” |
“…if you don’t count the few thousand remaining members of ISIS who are still killing our troops.” |
| “I will proudly own the government shutdown. I won’t blame the Democrats.” |
“It’s totally the Democrats’ fault.” |
| “We’ve got the strongest economy in history right now.” |
“Thanks, Obama.” |
| “Believe me.” |
“Only an idiot would believe me.” |
| That’s the View from the Bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base. |
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019 |
