Kristi Noem, Homeland Security Secretary, and Stephen Miller, White House Deputy Chief of Staff announced the Trump Administration’s new policy to combat the rampant number of “acts of domestic terrorism.” No one should be concerned that this may impact them – so long as they have previously purchased a Trump watch, Trump sneakers, a Trump Bible, or invested at least $15,000 in Trump’s World Liberty Financial crypto coin.
Washington, D.C. — In an effort to reduce confusion, panic, and accidental freedom, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem and White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller held a joint press conference today to clarify what the Trump Administration now considers “an act of domestic terrorism.”
The clarification was deemed necessary after authorities recently determined that driving an SUV containing stuffed animals in the glove compartment and Cheerios in the back seat constituted “a rolling daycare of radicalism” and an imminent threat to law enforcement.
“Americans deserve clarity,” Miller said, standing in front of a giant banner that read IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, THEN GIVE US YOUR FACEBOOK PASSWORD. “People are nervous. They’re asking questions like, ‘Am I a terrorist?’ And we want to reassure them that yes – statistically speaking, many of you probably are.”
Miller explained that the new guidelines were designed to be “narrow, precise, and easy to understand,” while also allowing federal agents to respond swiftly to suspicious behaviors, vague vibes, disrespectful facial expressions, and anyone who “looks like they might be checking their TikTok feed during the national anthem.”
Under the newly clarified policy, the following activities fall within the carefully limited definition of “acts of domestic terrorism” and may result in immediate arrest, questioning, or being taken to the ground by a masked, bearded man in sunglasses and tactical pants:
Jaywalking — but only if you’re a resident of a blue state, a swing state, or a state that once voted blue in 1976 and hasn’t properly apologized.
Using a steak knife when a butter knife is clearly the appropriate culinary utensil, which Miller described as “cutlery extremism.”
Pausing too long before answering the question, “How great is America?”
Owning a reusable grocery bag, especially one with words like co-op, farmer, or save the planet, all of which are known Marxist trigger phrases.
Referring to January 6th as “an attempt to subvert the results of a fair election” instead of “a patriotic open-house tour filled with love, light trespassing, and artisanal zip ties.”
Having a foreign-sounding name, or any name that causes Tucker Carlson to squint.
Agatha Burns, a teacher at Crestline Elementary School in Gadsden, Alabama, is poisoning these impressionable 3rd graders with a deeply disturbing fake lesson about the “Gulf of Mexico.” She knows its correct name is “Gulf of America.” On the plus side, at least she has identified the correct location of this important American-owned sea.
Anyone named Mohammed, unless you are a crypto billionaire, UFC sponsor, or recently purchased TikTok.
Anyone who can locate Somalia on a map.
Any woman or minority hired or promoted within the past five years if there was a nearly-as-qualified white male available who “just needed one more chance.”
Driving an electric vehicle when there is a perfectly adequate gas-guzzling Chevy Blazer you could have purchased instead.
Kristi Noem then outlined offenses considered severe enough to warrant immediate deportation to an El Salvadoran torture camp – or, in less serious cases, a Mississippi Waffle House. These include posting any of the following nicknames mocking President Trump on social media:
Trumpoleon, The Incontinental Divider, Vladdy’s Boy, Mango Mussolini, Our Fondling Father, Don Whoreleone, Pumpkin-Spiced Stalin, Cheeto Benito, The Lyin’ King, Don the Con, Tangerine Toddler, Cheetolini, Teddy Dozevelt, Napoleon Bone-Aspur, Commander-in-Thief, Nostra-Dumbass, Donny Nappleseed, His MAGA-Sty, Donald Duck the Draft, Tannibal Lecter, or simply saying “Trump” in a tone that suggests disapproval.
Subscribing to The New York Times, even for the recipes, and especially for playing Wordle, which Noem described as “how revolutions start.”
Listening to NPR discuss DEI and saying at any point, “Wow. That sounds like a good thing.”
Watching Jimmy Kimmel monologues on YouTube and laughing approvingly to this unfunny, no-talent loser.
Demanding the release of the entire unredacted Epstein Files – Give it a rest. There’s nothing to see.
Canceling tickets to any performance at the DONALD J. TRUMP KENNEDY CENTER FOR FREEDOM AND LOYALTY since the name change.
Videotaping an ICE officer or confronting them with any of the following aggressive, terroristic behaviors:
Asking to see their badge
Asking them to remove their mask
Asking if they could remove their knee from your neck
Asking for directions to the nearest Whole Foods store
Noem also warned Americans to avoid “pre-crime indicators,” including but not limited to:
Accidentally referring to the Gulf of America by its former, treasonous name
Using words or phrases like hands off our healthcare, resist, or NO KINGS
Pointing out that Greenland technically belongs to Denmark, a (former) NATO ally and current buzzkill
Being “a fatty” (but only if you’re in the U.S. military)
Stephen Miller then announced that Pam Bondi’s Department of Justice will begin reviewing every citizen’s social-media history dating back to the 2016 election. “Any post, comment, emoji, or LIKE critical of President Trump, myself, Kristi Noem, Pam Bondi, Kash Patel, RFK Jr., or RFK Jr.’s brain worm will be flagged,” Miller said. “And by flagged, I mean sent directly to President Trump so he can personally attack you in one of his 100+ nightly Truth Social rage posts between midnight and 6 a.m.”
Additional acts now considered suspicious include googling “Can Trump legally do that?”, “When did our democracy die?” or “How is the economy doing now vs. under Biden?”. Not to mention anyone caught subscribing to Tim Jones’ View from the Bleachers.
This couple better hope ICE doesn’t catch them watching this show. Rachel Maddow and MS NOW (formerly MSNBC) is fake news intent on brainwashing us to believe Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion are good.
Citizens were also cautioned against displaying un-American tendencies such as wearing a mask when sick, getting vaccinated, explaining how tariffs are actually a tax on U.S. consumers, or making a protest sign of any kind – unless it is in praise of President Trump – and misspelled.
When asked if there were any actions that would result in immediate, non-appealable deportation, Noem responded without hesitation. “Yes. One specific action: Being caught committing an act of treason.”
When pressed to define treason, she clarified, “Anyone suspected of having voted for Obama, Biden, or Hillary – especially if you seem smug about it.”
Noem and Miller closed the press conference by encouraging Americans to remain calm, compliant, and constantly vigilant for any suspicious, terrorist-leaning behavior – especially by their adolescent children.
At press time, Homeland Security officials were reportedly investigating a Guatemalan woman for standing in line at Starbucks while quietly shaking her head at the latest menu prices.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
Trump-Canceling Headphones. Nothing works better to help you forget about the fact that we have elected a madman to run our country for the next four years. No worries!
Has this ever happened to you? You’re channel surfing to see what’s on TV and just about everywhere you look, the screen is filled with images of Trump ranting about how terrible everything is and how only he can fix it.
Or you’re out doing errands, so you turn on your car radio. Within seconds you hear Trump’s grating voice as he explains his latest plan to invade Greenland and deport anyone who didn’t vote for him to Guatemala.
Or you’re just thumbing through TikTok and the next thing that pops up on your phone is Trump with his co-president Elon Musk explaining to Fox News how he’s going to reduce everyone’s grocery bill by implementing 25% tariffs on all foreign-produced food items. Huh?
All of this non-stop bombardment of Trump 24/7 would be enough to make even the most stoic person start considering a permanent vacation to a remote island where cable news is unheard of and there’s no such thing as social media. But fear not, because VFTB Enterprises is announcing the solution to your Trump-fatigue: Trump-Canceling Headphones!
Trump-Canceling Headphones are revolutionary new headphones designed to instantly block out any mention of Donald Trump, whether it’s on TV, the radio, or your favorite podcast. The moment his name or his voice hits the airwaves, POOF! – it will be replaced by soothing, calming music. It’s like a spa day for your ears, except it’s available anytime, anywhere. So, the next time you’re watching CNN and it takes you live to the latest infuriating MAGA rally with Trump bragging about how “Vladimir Putin told me I’m way smarter than Biden,” in an instant, your Trump-Canceling Headphones will turn your world into a serene, peaceful getaway.
How do these headphones work?
Trump-Canceling Headphones utilize cutting-edge technology, specifically designed to detect the sound frequencies of Trump-related discussions. The moment the words “Trump,” “Elon,” or “MAGA” are uttered, the headphones instantly cancel out all sound related to the Orange Menace and replace it with a symphony of serenity. Choose between classical music, smooth jazz, spa music, or many other music genres. Or upgrade to our Soothing Sounds of Nature Deluxe package and choose from among over five dozen relaxing ambient sound options, from babbling brook to crackling campfire to purring kittens.
The possibilities are endless, and the relief is instant. But don’t just take my word for it. Let’s hear from a few of our satisfied customers:
“As a young mom, I worry about my young daughter’s future. Every time Trump’s face pops up on my screen, my blood pressure spikes. That was until I tried Trump-Canceling Headphones. Now, when Trump appears on TV, all I hear is peaceful lullabies. It’s like I’m at a spa retreat in my own living room!” – Karen from Phoenix
“I was a political junkie, constantly plugged into the news, until one day, I just couldn’t take it anymore. The constant barrage of Trump’s name was too much. I tried everything–meditation, yoga, even binge-watching nature documentaries about the migration patterns of Arctic Terns. But nothing worked. Then I tried Trump-Canceling Headphones, and it was like a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. The moment Trump’s name came up on the news, I heard nothing but Kenny G on sax. I could feel my blood pressure drop. If only I’d found these sooner!” – Grover from Cleveland
“I couldn’t escape the man’s name. I’d go to the gym, and there it was – Trump’s latest tweet blaring from the TVs. I’d be on a run, minding my own business, and then – bam – a story about Trump nominating Kanye West for Attorney General would pop up on the treadmill screen. After trying the Trump-Canceling Headphones, it’s like a magical filter. Now, every time Trump is mentioned, it’s replaced with the tranquil sound of ocean waves. I’m in bliss. Thank you, Trump-Canceling Headphones!”
– Jane from Austin
But that’s not all! If you order your Trump-Canceling Headphones by midnight tonight, we’ll throw in a FREE pair of Trump-Canceling Sunglasses.
These stylish yet functional sunglasses will instantly replace any image of Donald Trump you see on TV, social media, or in the grocery store tabloids with a brilliant cartoonlike image of a whining Baby Trump in diapers having a temper tantrum.
That’s right, folks. The moment your eyes meet Trump’s irritating orange-makeup-coated mug, these high-tech lenses will work their magic and transform him into the iconic image of a large balloon – youknow the one – with a baby Trump in diapers whining. It’s hilarious, it’s comforting, and it’s exactly what you need right now to make it through another news cycle.
“I’ve been suffering from ‘Trump-overload’ for nine years. Everywhere I go, there’s his face, his hair, him doing that weird YMCA dance! It’s like he’s a constant exhausting presence in my life. But after trying the Trump-Canceling Sunglasses, it’s like a miracle. Every time his image flashes on the screen, it’s replaced with a giant baby Trump balloon. It’s hysterical. I can’t stop laughing, and suddenly, all the stress melts away. Honestly, I don’t even care about the news anymore. I just want to see how ridiculous the next balloon baby image will be!”
– Sarah from New York
The next time you find yourself tensing up at the sight of Trump attacking his enemies on TV, don’t get hooked. Just put on your Trump-Canceling Sunglasses. But be careful. You’ll laugh so hard, you just might pee your pants – just like whining Baby Trump.
“I was ready to throw my TV out the window until I heard about the Trump-Canceling Sunglasses. Let me tell you, these things are a game-changer. Every time Trump’s face appears, I’m treated to the sight of a giant, diaper-clad balloon version of him. I’ve never been so entertained. It’s like a carnival in my living room. I highly recommend these to anyone who’s ever wanted to scream when his ugly face shows up on their screen.”
– Tom from Chicago
So, what are you waiting for? Don’t let Trump control your life any longer. Order your Trump-Canceling Headphones and Trump-Canceling Sunglasses today! With our 100% satisfaction guarantee, you’ve got nothing to lose – except your Trump-related stress.These headphones come in a wide assortment of colors (not available in orange).
Order before midnight tonight, and we’ll include a coffee mug imprinted with the inspiring rallying cry, “ANY SANE CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2028” – absolutely free.
Because you deserve peace. You deserve tranquility. You deserve a world without Trump. Order now and take the first step toward banning Trump from your brain – for a few hours a day, anyway.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it aLikeorsharing this post on Facebook.
(FOX NEWS) President-Elect Trump is wasting no time assembling his cabinet. He has already announced several bold appointments, including Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as Secretary of Health and Human Services, Fox News weekend host Pete Hegseth as Secretary of Defense, and Tulsi Gabbard as Director of National Intelligence and Russian Public Relations. Trump has proudly taken credit for choosing the most diverse cabinet of white men in modern history.
The President-Elect has also named Matt Gaetz to become the next Attorney General. That said, this selection has been met with a few minorconcerns from a tiny fringe group of leftwing radical democrats opposed to the idea of Congressmen with a history of sex trafficking underage girls at cocaine-fueled rage parties being considered for the top law enforcement job in the country.Some people have such ridiculously high standards.
In the remote chance Gaetz fails to get confirmed or withdraws his name from consideration, there is growing speculation Trump may shift to his backup choice, Hannibal Lector, to whom rank-and-file Republicans have already given two enthusiastic thumbs up, making the case that he’d make a fascinating dinner guest.
In his selection process, Trump has devised a unique, rigorous, three-pronged set of requirements: 1) Has he seen the candidate on TV? 2) Have they publicly and repeatedly gushed excessive, obsequious praise of Trump? And 3) Do they lack any prior relevant experience for the job? Unless the answer to all three questions is a resounding YES, they won’t be considered.
Fox News has learned that in the upcoming week Trump plans to announce several additional bold picks for key roles within his administration. Here are a few names he is widely expected to name to his cabinet…
Secretary of Agriculture – Jake from State Farm. Apparently unaware that State Farm is not an actual farm, Mr. Trump has praised Jake from State Farm for being great on TV and for being a “nice-looking black guy.” He went on to add, “I love the blacks, and the blacks love me.”
Secretary of Oil and Fracking (formerly the Energy Department) – Trump has hinted that the inside track for this important cabinet post goes to J.R. Ewing, former CEO of Ewing Oil until Dallas was cancelled in 1991. Ewing has a well-earned reputation for ruthless business practices, including bribery, blackmail, and brutally crushing his opponents. Ewing is known for being vengeful, a womanizer, and oblivious to the needs of anyone around him. “And those are just a few of the reasons he’d make a great addition to my team,” beamed Trump.
CIA Director – Vladimir Putin. “Nobody knows more about Russia and how to spy than my pal Vlad,” Trump told a press gathering. “I talk to Vlad sometimes three times a day. So, he’s really tapped into our intelligence situation like nobody I know. And I’m sure he and Tulsi will get along famously since they agree on just about everything, so that’s a big plus.”
Surgeon General – Dr. Phil. “Is Dr. Phil an actual medical doctor? Hell if I know. But if he’s good enough for Oprah, he’s good enough for me,” Trump told a gathering of sycophants at Mar-A-Lago. “But he really should get a toupee. I know a guy,” Trump added..
Trump, in an effort to Make America Great Again, plans to announce several brand new cabinet-level posts. Here are a few of the new departments Trump plans to unveil:
Secretary of Trans(De)portation – Trump announced this new cabinet-level department – which will replace the Department of Transportation. The primary function of this agency will be to identify transgender individuals and have them deported and banned from all high school sports teams.
Rumors are that Marjorie Taylor Greene has the inside track. “We’ve all known trans fats are dangerous. Even skinny trans are bad for America. So, I’m going to ban all of them once and for all,” Greene declared to a mob of supporters in red MAGA hats.
Some of the bold picks Trump will soon be announcing to fill key roles in his administration. These stunning picks just might Make America Great Again – or possibly accelerate the final, inevitable destruction of our democracy. Political experts say it’s a toss-up.
Secretary of Professional Wrestling – Hulk Hogan. “Nobody can rip open a t-shirt like the Hulkster can. He will make pro wrestling great again,” said Trump in a recent Truth Social post. “I will also ban volleyball and women’s golf. They’re just too gay,” he added.
Secretary of God and Bible Stuff – Lee Greenwood (who sang God Bless the USA). Trump praised the country singer for his patriotism, his love of God, and the $4 million Trump made from hawking his made-in-China Lee Greenwood Bibles on TikTok.
Minister of Propaganda (formerly Press Secretary) – George Santos. Trump posted on X (formerly Twitter), “Nobody is more committed to telling the truth than George – with the possible exception of me.”
Trump also plans to eliminate the Department of Education and replace it with a new Cabinet post, Department of Trolling. Political insiders expect him to select Steve Bannon because, when asked about Bannon, Trump shouted back, “Steve practically invented trolling as an art form. Nobody owns the libs more than this guy. He will drive them crazy for the next eight to twelve years of my administration.”
As this article was going to press, there was speculation that Trump might even go so far as to nominate Dr. Mehmet Oz to oversee Medicare, Medicaid, and Obamacare – three critical healthcare programs that directly impact the lives of over one hundred million Americans. Oz has been almost universally mocked and vilified for promoting quack miracle cures despite virtually zero medical proof they work.
On the one hand, Dr. Oz is a TV celebrity, and he appears to lack any of the requisite qualifications to oversee Medicare and Medicaid, so those are two big pluses. But even more importantly, it’s quite possible Trump may be confusing Dr. Oz with the Wizard of Oz, who he’s seen on TV. And Trump probably would love to have a scary wizard in his cabinet able to cast debilitating spells on his enemies on Trump’s command. So, the odds look good for Oz to join his cabinet as well.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it aLikeorsharing this post on Facebook.
These nine people all have something in common. They all still have no idea who they’re going to vote for in the upcoming presidential election. I interviewed them to find out what the f*ck’s wrong with them, I mean, what is keeping them from making up their mind.
With only weeks remaining before the 2024 presidential election, the contrast between the two candidates for our nation’s highest office could not be more obvious. On one side is a 59-year-old black / South Asian woman, the child of Indian and Jamaican immigrants, a liberal who smiles relentlessly, talks about joy, and exudes optimism about the future.
On the other side is the oldest candidate ever to run for president, a crotchety 78-year-old massively overweight orange man, convicted of sexual assault, who posts dozens of rambling texts every day railing about how horrible everything is and that only he can save America from a terrifying, dystopian future of doom, despair, and imminent collapse into a hopeless hellscape.
One is a former prosecutor. The other, a convicted felon. One is named Donald, the other goes by Kamala – or perhaps it’s Kam-MAL-a or maybe Kamabla – I’m not really sure anymore.
Their differences in policy, ideology, personality, and ability to utter coherent thoughts could not be starker. And yet, incredibly, there remains a handful of people who still claim to be undecided about who to vote for. Who are these people? What the Hell is wrong with them? I mean, why have they still not made up their minds? And what will it take for them to finally pick a candidate?
I recently conducted an informal focus group with a few of the last remaining undecided voters to get some answers. Here is what I learned.
Tim Jones: I understand that you have not yet made up your mind about whether to vote for Kamala Harris or Donald Trump. Why is that?
Undecided Voter Mary: Who was that first person you mentioned?
Tim: Kamala Harris.
Mary: No, can’t say that name rings a bell. Who exactly is he anyway?
Tim: It’s a SHE. And she’s the Democrat in the race. That’s Kamal Har–
Rebecca is a busy mom. She said she plans to read up on the two candidates just as soon as she has some downtime between taking her kids to soccer practice and making everybody dinner. She will get around to picking a candidate by early December at the very latest, she promises.
Mary: Oh, you mean KamABla? Yes, I think I’ve heard of her. Why do you ask?
Tim: She’s running for president. What will it take for you to decide who you’re voting for?
Mary: Well, I’m just waiting until my husband tells me who to vote for.
Tim: Pardon me? And who is your husband planning to vote for?
Mary: He’s not sure yet. He is hoping Gerald Ford might run again this year.
Tim: I hate to break it to your husband but Ford passed away in 2006. You sir. I understand that you have not made up your mind yet about who to vote for in the presidential election.
Undecided Voter Bert: Is there an election this year? Gosh, it feels like there was an election barely four years ago.
Tim: That’s right, sir. Every four years – like’s it’s been done since 1788, when George Washington was elected. May I ask you, why are you still on the fence?
Bert: I’m not on the fence. I’m sitting right here, on this leather couch. Maybe you need to get your eyes checked.
Tim: No, I mean figuratively speaking, why are you on the fence – undecided about who to vote for, for president?
Bert: I don’t like to rush into things. I’m a muller. I’m still unsure about whether or not to take a shower today.
Tim: Just curiously, when’s the last time you took a shower, sir?
Bert: August 2011. Like I said, I’m not one for rushing into things.
Tim: Ma’am, I understand that you too have not made up your mind about this year’s presidential election. Why is that?
Undecided Voter Trixie: There are just so many choices. I just can’t make up my mind.
Tim: So many choices? Not really. There’s the Republican candidate, Donald Trump, and the Democrat candidate, Kamala Harris. Oh, and a third guy named Kennedy running as an independent, but he’s a bit of a wackadoodle. He claims a worm ate part of his brain. And recently he admitted to dumping a dead bear in Central Park. A bit of an odd duck.
This is Lucas. He isn’t really into politics. Besides, none of his friends plan to vote, so why should he? He’d tell us more but he’s in the middle of an intense game of Mortal Kombat 11 with a 9-year-old from Sweden named Lars, who’s pretty good.
Trixie: Oh really? I like Kennedy. I voted for him the last time. I think it was 1960.
Tim: Not the same guy, ma’am.
Trixie: Just curious. How did he kill that bear, anyway? With his bare hands? He sounds very brave.
Tim: Excuse me, sir. Can I ask you a question? What is it going to take for you finally to decide on a candidate for president?
Undecided Voter Richard: Well, I hate to see anybody lose. If it were up to me, I’d vote for both candidates, so they could share the job of president.
Tim: That’s not how our democracy works. The voters decide on one person. We don’t let them share the job.
Richard: Well, that sounds selfish. I always tell my kids they need to share their toys. Maybe it’s time we let both candidates share the Oval Office. Can we vote for a dog? My neighbor’s dog, Barkley, is a basset hound. He’s dumb as a brick, but he’d never get us into a war, that’s for sure.
Tim: Um, I’m pretty sure dogs can’t run for office.
Tim: Hmmm. This isn’t going quite the way I had hoped. You, ma’am. Why have you not made up your mind yet?
Undecided Voter Gladys: Well, to be honest, I really don’t like either candidate. On the one hand, Donald Trump is old and grumpy and mean and he seems to be a little, well, weird. On the other hand, Joe Biden looks like he’s about to keel over and die. He’s so old and frail-looking lately.
Tim: Ma’am, sorry to interrupt your coma, but Joe Biden is no longer running. Kamala Harris will be the Democrat choice for president. Does that help you make up your mind?
Gladys: I did not know that. When did that happen? And who’s this Kim-OH-la person?
Norm doesn’t really follow the news much, so he’s not really sure who’s running for president. Norm usually just asks his bartender friend Collin who he’s planning to vote for and follows his lead. So, what’s Collin’s system for choosing a candidate? Simple: Whoever has the most TikTok followers.
Tim: Several weeks ago. And it’s KAM-ah-La. Kamala Harris is his Vice President.
Gladys: Oh right. I think I’ve heard of her. Is she the one who can’t decide whether she’s a black girl or an Indian? Why won’t she just come out and pick a race?
Tim: Because she’s both.
Gladys: I’m not sure that’s possible. And another thing, Fox News says she’s never had kids. I’m not sure I can vote for a woman who hates children.
Tim: She is the stepmother of two kids.
Gladys: Hmm. I’m not sure that’s true. I heard she hates the Jews.
Tim: She does have kids. And her husband, Doug Emhoff, is Jewish.
Gladys: Hmm. I’m not sure about that.
Tim: Arrgh! Well, I’m not sure what conclusions to draw from this small focus group of undecided voters. From what I can tell, they all have one thing in common: They’re all idiots.
Maybe they all should sit out this election. Besides, they appear to have much more pressing decisions to ponder, like what to watch on TV tonight, Cagney & Lacey or Matlock, and in Bert’s case, whether or not to shower.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it aLikeorsharing this post on Facebook.
[Author’s note for the humor-impaired: This week’s article is political satire. – TEJ]
The case before the Supreme Court is far from black and white. They must decide whether a former president is above the law or not. Okay, well, maybe it is pretty black and white, now that you put it that way.
I’m mad as Hell. I’ve been watching nothing but News Max and Fox News for two weeks straight. They’ve got me so riled up, I’ve only had seven hours of sleep in the past three days. Perhaps it’s lack of sleep or the 12 Red Bulls I’ve ingested in the past 15 hours, but I’m feeling a little cranky. And I need to get some things off my chest.
One thing’s become clear to me: All 257 current and pending civil and criminal prosecutions being waged against Donald Trump are politically motivated witch hunts by the Deep State.
Based on that, I totally agree with the U.S. Supreme Court’s recent decision to hear Trump’s immunity claim.The issue before the court is this:
Can a former president who has engaged in a series of criminal acts break the law whenever he wants and get away with it?
Answer: Of course he can. And he SHOULD be able to get away with it. Because presidents can do whatever they want. Trump assured us it’s in the Constitution (I think in Article 11. Or maybe it was Article B). The verdict is still out as to whether this immunity protection would apply if the president were a girl.
If they can prosecute the greatest president in U.S. History (Lincoln was lame compared to Trump) merely for some minor lapses of judgment (aka “criminal acts”), then what’s to stop our corrupt justice system from arresting anyone who’s committed a crime? Where will it all end?
Some of history’s greatest men have been arrested and imprisoned. Think about it. They put Nelson Mandela away for 27 years. They prosecuted and murdered Jesus Christ. Our savior! (Well, at least if you’re a Christian, that is, which is the law in the USA, I’m pretty sure). And according to a commercial I recently saw on News Max, Trump is the new Messiah. Clearly, God wants him to be our king of kings. And God is never wrong.
If they can arrest Trump, they’ll soon be coming after you. Like Jesus before Pontius Pilate, Trump’s standing trial so you don’t have to. Such courage! And Donald Trump will do everything in his Constitutional power to keep you out of jail – just so long as you send $1,000 to his Legal Defense Fund.
Trump did nothing wrong. He was just trying to make sure that every vote was counted – including 11,780 extra special votes in Georgia. If the DOJ can go after Trump for every little miscalculation he made as president, who’s to stop them from going after other past presidents? In that case, Obama should definitely be prosecuted for wearing that terribly unpresidential tan suitat a press conference. Talk about fashion crime!
Who can forget this memorable, historic, patriotic day when President Trump urged his supporters to peacefully march to the Capitol, gently smash in the windows, politely break down the doors, and delicately hang Mike Pence.
The Supreme Court absolutely should hold that Trump is immune from prosecution. It’s the only fair verdict, since he gave a third of the court their jobs. They owe him.
Meanwhile, the radical, communist-sympathizing, woke, America-hating, God-denying anarchists on the left want to let in all the Mexican drug dealers, rapists, and LGBTQ supporters. And they’re furious the Supreme Court accepted this case in the first place, saying it was an open-and-shut case that no president should be considered “above the law.”
But it’s just not that simple. I mean, where do you draw the line? If you can prosecute Trump for inciting an insurrection and attempting to subvert an election, what’s next? By that logic, should prosecutors come after him for obstructing the Mueller investigation? Sharing classified documents with the Russians? Trying to strongarm Ukraine’s president Zelensky to lie about Joe Biden? Firing whistleblowers? Repeatedly violating the Emoluments Clause? Causing the death of hundreds of thousands of Americans by not taking the COVID pandemic seriously? Of course not! Jeez, you liberals are such whiny nitpickers.
On the other hand, presidential immunity should not be granted to Joe Biden – because he’s not even our real president, so technically it doesn’t even apply to him. I’m not really sure what all the Hunter Biden / Burisma / Ukraine stuff is all about. Kinda complicated. But Hunter admitted to using cocaine in the past, including when Biden was Vice President. Hunter’s supplier was probably his dad. Disgusting. So, if you ask me, Biden should be prosecuted for running a drug cartel out of the White House – something Donald Trump has never been accused of, I might add.
Many on the subversive left also are up in arms – and not the good kind of arms like an AR-15 rifle – that by taking up Trump’s immunity claim, it will push the January 6th trial back until after the 2024 election. Sure it will, but that’s just how the justice system works. Cry me a river, you libs.
In my objective opinion, the Supreme Court should not hear this case until at least Spring 2027 at the earliest – to give Trump’s lawyers adequate time to prepare. After all, this is an extremely complicated case.
And let’s not forget the Supreme Court has a full docket of other equally pressing cases ahead of it in the queue, like whether a plaintiff can sue Buffalo Wild Wings for misrepresentation and fraud when they discovered the chain’s “Buffalo Wings” aren’t technically wings. (That’s an actual lawsuit.)
Supreme Court Justices are ordinary people, too. They have lives just like you and me. They need time to decompress, be with family, take a pottery class, or hit the road for a three-week vacation in their 40-foot $267,000 Prevost Marathon RV given to them by a rich benefactor with cases before the court. You can’t rush important decisions like this.
In the meantime, I hope you’ll join me in making a small donation of $500 to help Donald Trump’s re-election campaign. I’ve been assured that no more than 90% of your donation will be applied towards the $500 million in judgments Trump has been ordered to pay.
When Trump wins the election (with only minimal assistance from Russia), I’m confident his own Department of Justice will shut down all these frivolous prosecutions, so he can focus on Making America Great Again (just so long as you’re not black, trans, an immigrant, or Joe Biden).
Joe Biden, when that day comes, Trump’s Attorney General (who I’m hoping will be Marjorie Taylor Greene) won’t let you hide behind presidential immunity for all the Biden Crime Family’s misdeeds. In fact, I just learned on Fox News that you recently LIED by saying in a speech that the Grand Canyon was one of the NINE Wonders of the World. There are only seven wonders, and the Grand Canyon ain’t one of them. You lied to the American people – something Trump would never do.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it aLikeorsharing this post on Facebook.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
