This is the steamy story of Leonardo – and his many romantic conquests. His sexual desire was insatiable. The fairer sex was no match for his animal magnetism.
When I was a young child, I had a very unusual friend who, how should I put this delicately – had some rather strong urges. His name was Leonardo. I met him when I was in seventh grade. Leonardo was the unemotional, quiet type. But there was one thing I noticed that was a bit odd about Leonardo. He seemed to have an unusual sexual appetite, particularly for someone so young. He fooled around a lot. When it came to romance, Leonardo was an animal.
He pursued sexual relationships with too many partners to recall. There were Lucy, Angel, Daisy, Chloe and Pepper, to name a few. But Leonardo didn’t always stay in his own lane. There were also Charlie, Toby and Max, and many others. Honestly, I couldn’t keep up with Leonardo’s endless series of objet’s d’amour.
His relationships never seemed to last very long. As soon as he got bored with one partner, Leo, as I called him, was off to his next roll in the hay. This went on for years. From what I could tell, he never gave these dalliances a moment’s reflection. Before long, Leonardo was off in search of his next Mona Lisa.
To be honest, I never said anything to Leo about my disapproval. I had no idea what his appeal was. What was his magnetic power over all these girls – and guys? What exactly did they see in him? Even at his youthful age, it was obvious to me that Leo had no discernable skills of any kind – other than his apparent sexual prowess. Not to be judgmental, he never came across to me as being very smart. It was not like he had six-pack abs or a killer smile. And he never cleaned up his place. It was always a total pigpen. But none of that seemed to matter in his relentless pursuit of sexual partners.
Then one day, a few years into our friendship, I introduced Leo to a new friend – Alexander. I thought they might hit it off as buddies. When I first saw them interact, I noticed that they just stared at each other, completely speechless, almost like they knew each other from somewhere but couldn’t place it. Then Leo whistled at Alexander. I have no idea why. But I could tell that they seemed to connect in some odd, almost intimate way.
As time went on, Alexander and Leo hung out together every day. They were almost inseparable. I never could quite figure out the nature of their friendship. Leo never talked about it – at least not with me. But it became clear that he had feelings for Alexander.
Then one day, I stopped by to find Leo and Alexander lying together – with a baby. And not just any baby. It turned out to be Leo’s baby! That’s when, to my shock, I discovered that Alexander was in fact Alexandra – a girl! But she had never once corrected me when I called her Alexander. I had no idea. Leo was way too young to be a dad, I thought.
I am not one to judge, so I tried to be happy for Leo and Alexander, er, I mean Alexandra. But I wondered quietly, how long would it be before Leo abandoned Alexandra and their offspring? I was 18 when this happened. And it was time for me to head off to college.
I remember the day I finally said goodbye to Leo. I was at a loss for words. He couldn’t speak either. As I headed out the door, Leo just looked back at me, silently, with those impenetrable dark eyes. He too must have been sad because he couldn’t even muster up a smile. He just whistled and turned away. Then he started eating a carrot, something he always liked to do. Because Leo loved carrots, just like any other guinea pig.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
Note: This is a true story. Leonardo was my guinea pig. I got him for my birthday in seventh grade. He routinely had sex with any guinea pig placed in the same cage with him, including Alexander, who I purchased (thinking it was a male) at the pet store to keep Leonardo company.
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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019
You truly got me,Tim.
I normally would not have read your story unless I thought I could respond in some demeaning fashion.
Instead I am forced to compliment you .
I’m certain you have polished it up considerably from its previous author.
Pretty steamy Tim. I also had guinea pigs for my kids which I was told by the pet store were both girls. We came back after a Christmas trip to a litter of baby
Guinea pigs. Then we moved the male out of the cage, but apparently not quickly
Enough- because four months after having one litter the
girl had another! Wore her out. She died a year later. Lesson
To be learned- watch putting those piggies together.
Knowing you Tim, as I read the story I expected Leo to turn out to be a dog. You fooled me. Never guessed it would be a guinea pig.
I confess too, that I had not one, but two guinea pigs, in succession, both named Mignonette. My first pet other than gold fish and guppies. All I remember was a smelly cage, rabbit pellets for food, and one of them wetting my husband on his first encounter with a guinea pig.
Leonardo de Stallion could be a mini series. Sounds like a true stud Guinea.
Tim’s Guinea Pigs – and Now for the Rest of the Story…
I would like to set the record straight about Tim and Leonardo and the guinea pig debacle. Tim strayed a tad from the truth when he alleged that he left for college and thus neglected Leo & Co. Actually, he had just gone out for ice cream, got distracted by some biker dudes, rented a Harley and ended up riding Route 66 cross country, “finding himself” along the way over the next two years. Leonardo and his progeny were the furthest thing from Tim’s mind during this dark chapter of his life. When Tim finally found his way back home, he was met by the horrific site of Leonardo and his 300 wives, lovers, and offspring, crammed in those 2 tiny little cages, with more guinea pigs appearing every few minutes. A cacophony of guinea whistling erupted when Leo and his brood saw their guardian – their guardian angel, they thought. For Leonardo had told his children and his grandchildren and his great grandchildren and his great great grandchildren, ad nauseum (literally for his wives) bedtime stories of Tim’s generosity and devotion and valor. “Tim would fight off the other rodents to get us the best wilted lettuce leaves from the richest trash cans he could find because he loved us so much” Leo had told his kin every night for the past 964 nights. And thus, the gladdened guineas held their furry paws aloft in joyful praise at Tim’s return and chanted, “Please, Tim, may we have some lettuce?”. Tim was so overcome with guilt and shame and humility and … you get the picture – that he immediately sought counseling. And by immediately, I mean that he ran from the room and burst into the office of the first psychiatrist he could find.
4 wrenching months of nightmares and confessions of guilt later, Tim mustered the courage to revisit Leonardo. “Will he forgive me?” Tim wondered. “And how many mouths will there be to feed now?” he worried. Alas, Tim was too late. Leonardo was no more, and in the 2 wee cages he left behind were huddled layers upon layers of his survivors, gaunt, eyes like massive orbs staring without seeing, their fur gnawed off, their bodies mere skeletons, their whistle a melancholic ode to their patriarch. Tim, determined now to rectify his wayward neglect, took each precious piglet into his hand and fed it a crispy bright green leaf – of new life. And together they reminisced about the Good Ol’ Days when Tim and Leonardo were inseparable. And they wrote Leo’s obituary.
Leonardo’ Obituary.
Leonardo de Guinea Pig lived a long and fruitful life. He is survived by his wives Mildred, Annie, Sal, Constance, Strawberry, Bonnie, Emma, Ramona, Truce, …. Mildred begat Simon (who married Thelma, who begat Neil and Buzz and the other guy, who each married Melanie, who begat Whosit and Whatsit) and Garfunkel (who married Louise after Thelma ditched him); Annie begat Abbott and Costello and Frank N Stein and Lucy and Desi and Boris and Karloff…..; Sal filed for divorce upon learning of Mildred and Annie; Constance begat not; …….