by TEJ | Apr 21, 2020 | In the News Humor
The most important thing you can do to stay safe from Covid-19 is wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water. Don’t forget to do under your fingernails. You’ll know you’re done when your hands start to bleed.
I come bearing good news: According to Harvard scientists (and Harvard scientists are never wrong), the Coronavirus pandemic should largely subside by the end of next year, or possibly early 2022. Plus, a 63% effective vaccine is less than 18 months away.
Okay, maybe not so good news. But on the positive side, the Seattle Mariners will likely finally end 15 consecutive losing seasons since Major League Baseball plans to cancel the current season.
The Coronavirus is affecting our lives in countless ways. Schools are cancelled, people are working from home, and “My Corona” is the #1 song on the pop charts.
If you’re like most of us, you’re probably anxious about proper Social Distancing in the midst of this plague – unless you’re a complete idiot – or the Governor of Georgia (but I repeat myself). Exactly how far apart should people be? Six feet? Ten? My daughter says it’s roughly the distance I can throw a baseball, so 15 feet. Some experts recommend at least one zip code of separation, just to be on the safe side, and wearing an extra layer of bubble wrap whenever you leave the house.
Then there’s the mandate to wear a mask. But where? At the grocery store? Walking your cat around the block? What about in your backyard? Or while doing yoga in your bedroom, naked? And what constitutes an adequate mask, or for that matter, “naked?”
Let me ease your mind. Nobody is telling you to shelter in place 24/7 (with the exception of mayors, governors, and those annoying Harvard scientists). You needn’t be sequestered in your man cave for the next six months, binging on The Real Housewives of New Jersey (although, I must admit, Season 3 exceeded my expectations). Furthermore, you’re free to wear a bandana, dark glasses, and a hoodie when out in public (just use caution when entering a bank). And for God’s sake: DON’T TOUCH YOUR FACE! (Admit it. You just scratched your nose, didn’t you? You’re hopeless.)
When shopping, only buy the absolutely necessities – like 12 cases of Nutella. If someone has nabbed them first, don your surgical gloves, shove that shopper to the ground, grab the jars, and run. Piece of cake (that’s in aisle 3).
I offer you a solution to this madness. Simply do what I do: Wash and Wipe.
The Coronavirus germ can hang around for an exhaustingly long time, perhaps even weeks – much like my freeloading brother-in-law, Ralph.
You can try to wait out the contagion, scarfing down tubs of Chunky Monkey, slowly giving up on all your hopes and dreams. Or you can neutralize that pesky peril by washing and wiping.
The general rule of thumb is this: Wash your hands any time you touch something potentially infectious, like a shopping cart or a doorknob or a tiger. (Dobermans, however, are perfectly safe.) Better yet, wipe down the shopping cart, doorknob, and tiger before you touch them.
Let me explain how this works. Imagine it’s time for your monthly Costco run. You decide it would be fun to take the kids, but you’re running late for the special early bird Senior shopping hours. So instead of giving 6-year-old Sarah and 4-year-old Tony their baths, you teach them how to sponge themselves with Lysol wipes.
Everyone is buckled in when you realize you forgot to wash the seats. You improvise by spraying the interior with the garden hose, explaining to your giggling cherubs that it’s raining inside. You arrive at Costco and find the parking lot already swarming with vehicles beating you to an open space and your chance of getting the last remaining toilet paper just got flushed down the toilet. So, you hunt for a spot in the overflow area four football fields away. Sarah jumps out and climbs into a shopping cart, dragging Tony in after. “STOP!” you scream, but it’s too late. You take one of the fourteen jars of sanitizing wipes you keep in the trunk and wash the urchins and the entire cart.
Inside this mega-store, Sarah plays fetch with Tony, throwing him boxes of Cocoa Puffs and paper towels and everything else she can get her hands on. You intercept the paper towels, praising Sarah for the good find, and you load up with enough peanut butter, cereal, paper towels, dental floss, and Purell to last through the next nuclear winter.
Back at Scooby Doo lot N, you finally locate your car and immediately start wiping down the bags, as well as the kids, before piling all into the car. You use another jar of towelettes to disinfectant the steering wheel, dashboard, and every surface your hooligans touched while fighting in the back seat.
Finally home, you send S & T to wash their mitts raw. You unload the groceries, including the 60” flat screen TV you bought on impulse (your wife will eventually forgive you) and restock the pantry. Mission accomplished? Um, not quite. Ask yourself: Who else might have pawed these containers of peanut butter, cereal, and dental floss? Perhaps a band of Coronavirus-positive terrorists infiltrated Costco and spat on everything – and now, their infected germs are in your house.
What’s more, all the tainted groceries are nestled in with other items in your cupboards. Breathing deeply, you remove every bag and box, and the shelves and cabinet doors, and give them all a meticulous scrub. Don’t forget the counter. I bet you grabbed the wipes after you touched the contaminated stuff. Rooky mistake. Use another wipe to clean the wipes.
This man is risking serious infection. Oh, no, not from holding the TV remote. He’s watching one of Trump’s daily press briefings. Highly toxic. Be safe and turn off your TV whenever the President is talking.
Remember how you told Sarah and Tony to wash their hands until they bled? Were you aware they first played hide ‘n seek? Since it’s impossible to know precisely which chairs, tables, and pets they touched, waste no time in cordoning off those rooms and animals before further harm is done.
To be prudent, I recommend setting a controlled blaze to the affected rooms and rebuilding that wing of the house using state-of-the-art sterile hospital cleanroom construction materials. Or perhaps just sell your home now before the market tanks.
Finally, wash your hands every 30 minutes. A timer will help. (You can scale back to once an hour during your REM sleep cycle.)
That’s it. Easy-peasy. Follow these simple steps and you’ll sleep rest easy, assuming you remembered to wipe down your phone, remote, keyboard, gerbil, outlets, and well, you get the idea. You’ll be fine. Just DON’T TOUCH YOUR FACE!
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020
by TEJ | Apr 12, 2020 | In the News Humor
A VFTB Interview with Mother Nature
In an exclusive VFTB interview, Mother Nature reveals that her job has never been easier, thanks to the Coronavirus. “Nature and wildlife are thriving. The only ones complaining are humans,” she said. “They can be such whiners.”
The following are excerpts from an exclusive interview with celebrated environmentalist, Mother Nature.
View from the Bleachers: Thank you for agreeing to meet today, Mother Nature. I’m sure you’re tremendously busy.
Mother Nature: Just call me Mama N. I’m pretty informal.
VFTB: Okay, um, Mama N.
Mother Nature: I just finished dropping a blizzard on Newfoundland. Then it’s back to work repairing the Great Barrier Reef. Which reminds me, What did the ocean say to the beach?
VFTB: Um, I have no idea. What did the ocean say to the beach?
Mother Nature: Nothing. It just waved. Get it? A dolphin told me that one. They’re hilarious.
VFTB: I did not know that. Mother Nature, I mean Mama N, I understand the past century has been a notably challenging period for you. Is that true?
Mother Nature: Totally. It’s been my worst century since the last Ice Age – and that was 12,000 years ago. Not a fun epoch, especially if you were a crocodile. The last hundred years have been particularly brutal for all my flora and fauna, what with global warming, widespread floods, droughts and raging forest fires.
Mind you, none of this mayhem was my idea. Sure, I might stir up an occasional hurricane just to make a point. But nothing like what you humans have achieved since the invention of the automobile. Who knew those contraptions would multiply like rabbits! They’re everywhere! And factories – don’t get me started.
VFTB: It must be a hard job protecting our planet.
Mother Nature: Well, the hardest part is protecting it from your lot: mankind. That was not in the job description. Still, it’s been a good gig – up to the last century. Actually, ever since the Industrial Revolution, I can’t seem to catch a break.
VFTB: Sounds exhausting.
Mother Nature: You’re telling me. Until lately, that is.
VFTB: Oh? Has something changed?
Mother Nature: Absolutely. In the past month, it’s like I’m on vacation. Fog and smog are clearing. In northern India you can see the Himalayas for the first time in over 30 years.
VFTB: Incredible. Why do you think that is?
Mother Nature: Isn’t it obvious? It’s the Coronavirus. It’s got everybody shuttered indoors. Nobody’s going anywhere. Which means cars are off the road, planes are grounded, factories have slowed production. We can breathe again!
VFTB: Have you been following the news and social media about social distancing?
Mother Nature: Not really. I don’t have cable and I’m not on Facebook. What I do know is that this pandemic has been the best thing to happen to my planet since they took the Giant Panda off the Endangered Species List.
VFTB: So, you think the Coronavirus is a GOOD thing?
Mother Nature points out that thanks to the wonderful news about the Coronavirus, goats are now roaming around this town in Wales, where they’ve not been seen in ages. “Primroses are quite tasty,” say the goats.
Mother Nature: Let’s say it’s been a blessing in disguise! Ask any animal, with the possible exception of Homo sapiens – it’s like paradise now! The only critter at risk of extinction lately is roadkill!
VFTB: But aren’t you worried about the hundreds of thousands of people getting sick day after day?
Mother Nature: I hear President Trump has that all under control. As for me, I have plenty on my plate taking care of the polar bears, platypuses, and tigers. Speaking of tigers, who the heck is this Tiger King? He sounds seriously messed up.
VFTB: Yeah, he’s a bit of an odd duck.
Mother Nature: Oh, so he’s a duck? I never knew a duck that hung with tigers. He sounds like a quack! Ha! Ha! Get it?
VFTB: You could say that. But seriously, aren’t you concerned about everything that’s happening all over the world right now?
Mother Nature: Look around you. Everything is great. Air, water, even noise pollution are way down. In fact, did you know that Los Angeles has the cleanest air of any major American city at the moment?
VFTB: No way!
Mother Nature: Way! All because people are staying home. I heard tell that peacocks are strolling through the streets of Mumbai for the first time in like forever now that nobody’s driving. So, yeah, I’m pretty stoked. If we keep going at the current trend, global warming will be solved by Labor Day. Pretty awesome, eh?
VFTB: Well, that’s encouraging. But I haven’t left my house in a month.
Mother Nature: And now the animals are looking in at the humans trapped in their cages. Kind of ironic, don’t you think? Meanwhile, I get to catch my breath and kick off my heels –
VFTB: You wear heels?
Mother Nature: More like Birkenstocks. Anyway, it’s nice to see my beloved planet making a remarkable comeback. Just the other day, a family of beavers told me their stream is the clearest they’ve ever seen it. And you should check out Venice. It’s become so clean you can almost drink out of the canals. But don’t. I’m not a miracle worker.
VFTB: Do you have any advice for the humans at this critical time?
With an empty Brazilian beach (due to the Coronavirus), newly hatched sea turtles are making a comeback. Just one of the many things to be thankful for while you’re stuck indoors binge-watching old episodes of Game of Thrones.
Mother Nature: For starters, enough with all the annoying Coronavirus song parodies. They’re really getting repetitive. I know, “wash your hands” and “social distance”. Blah, blah, blah.
VFTB: I thought you said you don’t do Facebook.
Mother Nature: I lied. Second, what’s with your addiction to fossil fuels? Now that you folks have discovered walking, maybe you can make a habit of it. It might help you lose that spare tire. And what’s with your obsession with red meat? All those cow farts create an insane amount of methane, which is heating up the atmosphere. Try a carrot for a change. It won’t kill you, I promise.
VFTB: Thank you, Mama N. I hope you get to enjoy a little more time off.
Mother Nature: From the looks of how your federal government is handling the Coronavirus pandemic, I think it’s going to stick around for a while. So, all my lakes and streams and critters want to send a big THANK YOU shout out. Hey, I’ve got to go. There is a hailstorm in Manitoba I need to check on. Never a dull moment. Later.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020
by TEJ | Mar 30, 2020 | In the News Humor
At View from the Bleachers, we take the safety of our readers very seriously. Read the extreme measures we’ve implemented to ensure every VFTB article is 100% safe and guaranteed never to inflict contagious laughter.
Dear valued View from the Bleachers reader,
It has just come to my attention this morning that there is widespread alarm, anxiety and fear throughout the country. No, I’m not talking about the fact that the universally panned film Cats is now available for home rental.
If you’ve not heard the news, let me be the first to inform you. There is this thing called the Coronavirus, also known by medical experts like me as the COVID-19 pandemic. This contagion is dramatically impacting how we all live, work, and in the case of millennials, engage in unprotected sex.
This is Dr. Timothy Jones. I’m Chairman, CEO and Executive Chef at View from the Bleachers – a non-profit organization (mainly because I suck at business). Perhaps at one time or another you’ve errantly read one of my blog posts. If so, please accept my humblest apology.
I want to thank each and every one of you for taking the time out from reading the 400+ emails you’ve received in the past week from Petco, Walmart, Costco, Kroger, AT&T, the YMCA, and your local parks & recreation department – telling you how committed they are to your safety – so that you can read this message from View from the Bleachers telling you how committed we are to your safety. Oh, and AT&T belatedly wishes to apologize for their former advertising slogan, Reach out and touch someone. Please don’t follow their advice, okay?
Here at View from the Bleachers, I, along with the dozens of illegal immigrants that work here and mow my lawn, take the health and safety of each reader seriously – all eleven of you. That’s why I wanted to share the extraordinary precautionary measures we’re implementing here at VFTB (as we’re known by the Pulitzer Prize Committee).
First, I’m making sure to get at least 11 hours of sleep a night. Technically, this has nothing to do with the Coronavirus outbreak. I’m just not a morning person.
Second, I’m practicing safe social distancing. In fact, my wife takes this so seriously that she asked me to move into our garage – just to avoid the risk of being exposed to me – or having to talk to me – or make accidental eye contact.
As I write this heartfelt plea for donations, I mean, this update, I’m wearing three pairs of surgical gloves, two pairs of sweatpants, a snorkel mask and ski boots, all out of an abundance of caution. Admittedly, I’m sweating like a pig right now, but that’s the kind of sacrifice I’m willing to make to ensure each post I write is thoroughly devoid of any infectious germs – or humor.
To make sure my readers are protected, I wipe the keyboard with a disposable sanitary wipe after every paragraph. I also made the difficult but selfless decision to switch from my preferred Calibri font to Helvetica – widely believed to be the safest font in use today. I’ve even gone so far as to eliminate the use of filthy words from my posts, to protect my readers from being exposed to potentially pernicious language. If you ask me, that’s a big fucking deal. Oops. Sorry.
As a result of these safety measures, I am pleased to report that there have been absolutely zero known cases of any individuals dying from coming into contact with this humor blog. However, there have been isolated instances of unsuspecting people experiencing mild migraines or nausea from unintended exposure. Fortunately, most symptoms appear to fade once the reader closes their web browser – with the exception of a lingering sensation they’ve wasted valuable time they can never get back.
Finally, before we publish any article, each one goes through a four-step deep-cleaning high-pressure wash and spell-check, to ensure every post contains no residual bacteria or dangling participles. I consider this extreme measure worth it to protect my team of researchers and bail bondsmen.
As a reader, there are some basic steps you can take to protect yourself from possible infection from this website. First, keep at least six feet from your computer when checking your email. If you accidentally open an email that appears to have been sent from View from the Bleacher, press the DELETE key immediately and wash your hands for twenty minutes with soap and a new Brillo pad.
If you accidentally click on a link that takes you directly to a VFTB article like this – say you were drunk and had no idea what you were doing – don’t panic. Simply unplug your computer and quickly dispose of it into the nearest bio-hazard trash receptacle, douse it with lighter fluid and set it ablaze – preferably not in the living room or anywhere near pets.
Several readers (by which I mean my wife) have written to me personally, expressing their fears and offering their sincerest hopes and prayers that this contagion will be over soon. I eventually figured out they were talking about View from the Bleachers – and were worried about their own mental and emotional well-being.
I want to assure all my readers that, while there are no immediate plans to discontinue publication, I promise that none of you will die as a result of reading this column, at least not from laughter.
One final word. I’m doing everything I can to keep you safe. But if you go around like my nephew Nathan doing stupid stuff like licking the handle of your grocery store shopping cart or shaking hands with everybody waiting in line for a refill at the pharmacy, that’s on you. Don’t come whining to me if you end up getting sick – ya’ hear me, Nathan?
Stay safe. And avoid my nephew Nathan.
Tim Jones
Chairman, CEO and Executive Chef, MD, JD, MBA, BFD, IDK, OMG, WTF
View from the Bleachers Enterprises, Inc.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020
by TEJ | Feb 17, 2020 | In the News Humor, Pop culture humor
America is the greatest melting pot on earth, welcoming people of all backgrounds and beliefs. It does not matter if you’re black or white, Christian or Jew, tall or short, young or old, wealthy or poor. And all of these groups have something in common: None of them has any shortage of idiots.
Based on my extensive research on the explosive growth of knuckleheads in our country, I’ve concluded that our great nation leads the world in idiots per capita. If you don’t believe we live in a nation of nitwits, how else can you explain some of the warning labels our manufacturers feel compelled to put on their products?
For example, there is actually a warning label on an iPod shuffle that reads, and I quote: “Do not eat iPod Shuffle.” (Honest to God.) I, for one, am so glad they added that warning because, I was just about to spread jam on mine and eat it with scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast.
In fairness, companies are only adding these product warning labels because they don’t want to get sued for millions in bogus liability lawsuits, as might happen if, say, a large gathering of people came together for an iPod Shuffle pot luck dinner party and failed to heed this important safety warning. God knows how many panicked trips to the emergency room this warning has helped to avoid over the last decade. I’m guessing zero (but I am just rounding).
The more research I’ve done on warning labels, the more I’ve become convinced that half the people in this country probably should not be allowed to use electrical appliances of any kind – or vote – or date my daughters. Here is a tiny sampling of actual warning labels for the American consumer (I swear I am not making any of this up):
On an iron: Caution: Do not iron while wearing article of clothing. I will remind my wife the next time she irons my dress shirt that she needs to do it in the nude – because I worry about her safety. (Why is my wife doing my ironing? That’s a blog for another day). (more…)
by TEJ | Jan 28, 2020 | In the News Humor
Dear Mrs. Queen, Your Royal Highness, Exultant Majesty, and Fellow Corgi Lover,
I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but things are looking quite promising that I shall take Harry’s place as a member of the Royal Family. Be honest: Does the crown make me look fat?
Hi. I’m Tim Jones, your biggest fan. You probably know me from my world-famous humor blog, View from the Bleachers. Not ringing a bell? No worries. My wife’s never heard of it either.
Hey, I read on Twitter that Prince Harry and his American wife, Meghan Markle, have decided to bail on the whole Royal Family thing. That royally sucks! Is it okay to say “suck,” Your Holiness? (No, wait, that’s the Pope. My bad, Your Majestiness.) Apparently, Harry will forgo the titles of His Royal Highness, The Duke of Sussex, Earl of Dumbarton and Baron Kilkeel. That’s a lot of titles to forgo.
I understand Harry was sixth in line to the throne, after Prince Charles and a few other princes, dukes and a possible viscount. I imagine you’re in quite a tizzy about what to do in the event – God forbid – Prince Charles and the lot of them are wiped out in a horrible cricket mishap, now that Harry has gone AWOL.
I understand your anxiety over this regal scandal. I suffer my own disgrace every time I admit to being a common humor writer. But not to worry. I’ve come up with a win-win solution to both our problems. Just spit balling here, girlfriend, but how about you appoint me to replace Harry. Prince Tim. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? I hear ye – Not another American in the Royal Family! But I would be far less annoying than Meghan (let’s face it – she IS a bit of a “princess,” if you know what I mean). And my clothing allowance alone would save the British people millions.
Personally, I believe I’m extremely well qualified to step into Harry’s riding boots. With a little stuffing, they would fit me grandly. And I have often thought of myself as being 6’1”, just like Harry is.
I should mention that my last name is Jones – of common Welsh origin. From what I hear, the English have always gotten along famously with the Welsh – almost as cordially as they’ve co-existed with the Scots, not to mention the Irish. One big happy family. Also, my wife is Canadian, so I’m pretty sure she qualifies for partial credit as a British subject. She told me that as a child growing up in Toronto, she was required to sing the British national anthem, God Save the Queen in school. She still remembers most of the first verse.
Full disclosure, I do share part ownership of an ancient castle in Scotland, being of the Clan Hannah (on my father’s side). I promise, I will not fortify the ramparts, nor will I use this strategic locale to rally the Scottish opposition. I remain a loyal subject in service to my Queen. However, if you don’t see fit to bestowing upon yours truly the title of HRH (that’s short for His Royal Highness, in case you weren’t familiar with that term, Liz – or do you prefer Beth?), I can’t be responsible for any plans on the part of my fellow clansmen to storm Buckingham Palace with catapults and battering rams.
I don’t want to make a big fuss about my castle. All I need is a modest 20,000 sq. ft. hangout with a drawbridge and turrets. This one isn’t bad, but the movie room is cramped and the Wi-Fi is rather unreliable.
I know you Brits love your pomp and circumstance. So, do I. In fact, I attended an all-boys’ private military prep school. I still have my uniform with lots of medals I earned (or borrowed), a sash and even a sword – consider all the pounds and pence you’ll save on my costume for parades. (I could use the name of a good tailor, as it might need to be taken out a tad.)
The more I ponder it, the more it’s crystal clear I’m your perfect replacement for Harry. At age 65, I’m almost the same level of maturity. I know how to drink tea, and I’m pretty sure I know the difference between a scone and a crumpet. I’ve visited London once and I am almost fluent in your foreign language. And, not to brag, but I can do a pretty spot-on drunk Harry Potter impersonation.
I am a little fuzzy on what my duties will be. Can you flesh this out for me? From what I read in People Magazine, it sounds like Harry’s role required him to represent the Royal Family at ceremonial occasions, like hospital grand openings, ribbon cuttings, charity fundraisers, chasing foxes on horseback and dressing inappropriately at late night costume parties. I can do all of these. I also read that Harry has often been a bit of an embarrassment to his family. Me, too! Just ask my wife and kids.
Speaking of my wife, her name is Michele. What title would you recommend for her? I was thinking something like Princess of Cambridge, Duchess of Gandalf, Baroness of Hogwarts. But I’m totally open to your suggestions.
I also have a question as to my official residence. Is Downton Abby available? If not, I am humbly open to your recommendations. However, if you can swing it, I wouldn’t mind a castle with a moat and a drawbridge – to keep the Irish riffraff out. Nothing fancy. I’m a man of simple tastes.
By the way, can you explain what you call your country? Is it England or Great Britain or the United Kingdom or Camelot? Why can’t you all just pick one name and stick with it? It’s horribly confusing to your humble servants on this side of the pond. Also, I kinda’ need to know the name of my future kingdom, for when the time comes that I take your place.
Which reminds me: When I become Prince, will there be a coronation for me? That would be awesome. All I ask is that at the reception, you not sit me next to the Earl of Norfolk or his wife, Lady Astor. They can be such intolerable bores, always talking about their prize-winning primroses.
I’m still unclear how many of these soldiers will be assigned to my personal protection. I shan’t need more than 100, to be sure. I’ll definitely swap those stuffy tops for Seahawks jerseys.
I look forward to hearing from you regarding next steps. Please call my cell. I’m never at my landline. I know we will get along famously – and besides, you won’t have to put up with that annoying Princess Meghan anymore.
On a related topic, do you have any problem with my riding around in the royal carriage when my poker buddies from the states come to visit? I’ll make sure they don’t puke on the upholstery.
Let me know if you have any questions, Your Majesty. Did I mention I have a friend who owns a corgi? I love corgis.
God Save the Queen, and with any luck, God Save Prince Tim, as well. Toodaloo.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2020
by TEJ | Jul 14, 2019 | In the News Humor
Behold my ingenious solution for ending all wars: Put down the guns and missiles. Pick up a cupcake. Nobody can stay mad when they’re scarfing down a red velvet cupcake – except for Genghis Khan. He hated everybody – and was allergic to flour. So sad.
As a retired five-star general in the US Air Force who served in both Gulf wars, and is occasionally accused of being mildly delusional, I consider myself an expert in military strategy, international diplomacy and the board game RISK.
In my youth, I sought power, prestige, and a dress uniform filled with shiny medals. With the wisdom of age, I now realize that what really matters in life are three things: Kindness, Compassion, Integrity and Meat Lovers’ Pizza. Okay, technically, that’s four things. Thankfully, throughout my prestigious Pentagon career, I was always surrounded by colonels who were better at math than I was.
Where am I going with this? Hell if I know. My ADHD medication hasn’t kicked in yet. But I think my point was that the world is falling apart. Tensions are ramping up along the Israel-Gaza border, in the streets of Venezuela, and among long-suffering Baltimore Orioles fans who bought season tickets this year. They chose poorly.
People are fearful that our country will get dragged into yet another armed conflict in the Middle East or North Korea. Fortunately, I have just the plan to de-escalate these hostilities. Two words: CUP CAKES! Okay, I’ve just been informed by one of my colonels that ‘cupcakes’ is, strictly speaking, one word. But who’s counting?
My point is: Nobody can resist cupcakes. Period. The End. When was the last time you saw people fight when cupcakes were being served (unless it was arguing over dibs on the last one)? If one of your co-workers brings cupcakes to the office to share, it is undeniably far and away the single best thing that will happen to you that entire day – unless you win the Pennsylvania $100 million lottery that day. Then, yeah, arguably that would be slightly better. I know your in-laws never approved of you marrying their daughter. But I guarantee if you bring cupcakes to the next family outing, they may even start calling you by your actual name.
Imagine if during the Civil War, the Union Generals thought to assault the Confederates with cupcakes instead of guns. The boys in grey, overjoyed at receiving cupcakes, would have put down their bayonets, embraced their brothers in blue, and the slaves would have been freed by dinner time. There is the remote possibility that the unarmed Union troops would have been annihilated, but they’d have died with a smile – and cupcake crumbs – on their faces.
Had Marie Antoinette said, “Let them eat Cupcakes” instead of “Let them eat cake,” the peasants may well have stormed the bakeries instead of the Bastille, Marie would have saved her neck, and France would still be a monarchy today. Okay, that last consequence might not please everyone’s palette. And Marie would have no doubt been voted the most popular queen in French history in a Twitter insta-poll, had Twitter existed back in 1793. #MarieAntoinette #letthemeatcupcakes.
Think about how WW II could have ended years sooner if instead of dropping bombs on Germany, we dropped thousands of German Chocolate cupcakes instead – maybe with those cute little mini-parachutes. Admittedly that would have been quite the added expense. (Note: If you run out of cupcakes, free kittens is a great back-up plan. They can be airdropped as well, but with slightly bigger parachutes.) In my assessment, countless lives would have been spared – albeit shortened due to the serious spike in cholesterol from all that cupcake binging. But then, that’s how the cookie – or cupcake – crumbles when you start a war with the makers of Betty Crocker chocolate fudge cupcakes.
Imagine if in the Battle of Bunker Hill, the American cannons had fired cupcakes instead of cannonballs. The Revolutionary War would have been over in days, not years – and we’d still be pledging allegiance to the Queen. Maybe that would not be such a bad thing right now.
I have no doubt that the Iraq War could have been averted if we had used a carrot and stick approach – make that a carrot (cup)cake and stick approach:
“Saddam, you have a choice: Free your people now and step down from power, and we’ll give you a lifetime’s supply of carrot cupcakes, or we will erase that smarmy mustache off every single statue of you.”
I am convinced he would have jumped at the carrot cupcakes option – unless he was more of a Snickerdoodle cupcake fan. But what are the odds of that? As for Desert Storm, had I been in charge of military strategy, I would have gone with Dessert Storm instead.
By the way, a lot of people worry that Donald Trump won’t leave the Oval Office even if he loses the 2020 election. But have you ever checked out his diet? Simply present him with a case of 24 Vanilla Salted Caramel cupcakes and a bucket of KFC (flanked by a contingent of 200 Marine Green Berets with assault rifles), and he’d be out the door before he could say, “I’m a very stable genius.”
In conclusion, as a highly respected military strategist and someone who has not lost at the board game Stratego in 20 years, I’m telling you, the key to achieving lasting global peace is through cupcake diplomacy.
There is one small risk, hardly worth mentioning. And that’s if Russian President Putin gets wind of this strategy. That devious dictator might manipulate Trump into ceding Alabama to Russia by giving him a gift basket of assorted cupcakes. That would be a serious tactical error on Trump’s part. If I were the President’s military advisor, I would counsel him to give up West Virginia instead.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019
