by TEJ | Aug 15, 2026 | Business humor
What a brilliant idea – baby food for adults in single serving jars. What could possibly go wrong? This was an actual product idea Gerber brought to market. Shockingly, it was an epic fail. (Not making this up.)
What a brilliant idea – baby food for adults in single serving jars. What could possibly go wrong? This was an actual product idea Gerber brought to market. Shockingly, it was an epic fail. (Not making this up.) Most Business marketing gurus study successful product launches like the iPhone, the Amazon Echo, or my personal favorite – the wheel. Not me. As one of America’s leading self-proclaimed marketing and brand management experts, I prefer to examine the spectacular, crater-sized smoking holes left in the market by history’s greatest commercial flops. (I’m looking at you, Cyber Truck.) I’m talking about those mind-bogglingly bad ideas that make you wonder if the entire executive suite was huffing industrial copier fluid during the development phase.
Recently, while researching some of the most catastrophic product launches of the past half century, I uncovered a treasure trove of previously unreleased shareholder letters from corporate CEOs. These letters attempted to explain how products which should have been laughed out of the conference room somehow made it all the way to store shelves. What follows is a sampling of a few of those letters.
All of the following disastrously misguided product launch failures actually happened.
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EXHIBIT A: GERBER FOODS (1974) Context: The genius idea to market “Gerber Singles” – pureed, jarred meals for single adults.
To Our Valued Shareholders,
As you know, our Q3 earnings look like a crime scene. Many of you have expressed disappointment over our recent launch of Gerber Singles for Adults. For this, I must squarely place the blame on our Senior VP of Product Innovation, Gary Smithers.
Gary assured me that the “swinging singles” of the 1970s were tired of cooking whole steaks and wanted nothing more than to pop open a small glass jar of room-temperature, pureed Beef Burgundy and eat it with a tiny plastic spoon while watching Match Game.
Unfortunately, the launch suffered due to several unforeseen factors. For one, Gary badly misread the market. He insisted on using the slogan: “Dinner You Can Swallow Without Chewing.” In hindsight, this may have unintentionally suggested weakness, frailty, or that the product was primarily aimed at nursing home residents.
The product flopped after three months not because adults don’t want mushy, pre-chewed food, but because Gary insisted on putting a picture of our iconic chubby Gerber baby on the label. I think it sent the wrong message.
We are currently repurposing the leftover mush into drywall paste. Gary has been demoted to jar-sterilizer.
Sincerely, Daniel Gerber, CEO, Gerber Foods
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EXHIBIT B: HARLEY-DAVIDSON (1996) Context: The legendary motorcycle company launches Harley-Davidson Perfume.
Dear Shareholders,
As many of you know, our entry into the fragrance market failed to meet expectations. Specifically, consumers did not embrace our Harley-Davidson perfume line, despite extensive testing. Our chief marketing officer Chad Bennington strongly believed men would be drawn to women who possessed a fragrance that hinted of “gasoline, leather, poor financial decisions, and Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts.”
It turns out men do not want their wives on date night to smell like a broken-down transmission fluid leak. In Chad’s defense, our focus groups responded surprisingly positively after the fourth beer.
Where we miscalculated was in assuming customers wanted to smell like motorcycles rather than simply ride them. We also failed to realize in time that there really is no such thing as an automotive personal fragrance market. Chad has been asked to clear out his desk and ride his motorcycle into the sunset.
We remain optimistic that a relaunch could succeed if paired with a free kickstand and limited-edition neck tattoo.
Warm regards,
Richard Teerlink, Harley-Davidson CEO
Another epic failure was the 2005 launch by Frito-Lay of Cheetos “Flamin’ Hot” lip balm. (Not making this up.) The fact that it came with a Cheetos-themed key chain didn’t help with sales. If you ask me, nothing says “smooth, soft lips” like a cheese-flavored lip balm that tastes like your mouth is on fire.
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EXHIBIT C: FORD MOTOR COMPANY, BRAZIL DIVISION (1970s) Context: Launching the Ford Pinto in Brazil, completely unaware that “Pinto” is Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals.”
To Our South American Stakeholders,
It has come to our attention that the Ford Pinto has not performed well in Brazil due to an unfortunate linguistic oversight. It turns out our Head of Global Naming, Todd Johnson, did not consult a Portuguese dictionary. Apparently, introducing a car whose name in Portuguese translates to the “Ford Tiny Male Genitals” does not inspire the bravado and machismo that Brazilian men look for in a sub-compact economy automobile.
Naturally, this complicated our advertising campaign. Our original slogan, “Drive Your Little Pinto with Pride,” tested poorly. Dealerships reported customers entering Ford showrooms merely to laugh hysterically and pose for photographs next to the vehicle.
I blame this disastrous rollout on Todd’s lack of vision. Honestly, if Todd had just tweaked the marketing campaign to lean into the name, we could have owned the market. We should have marketed it as: “The Ford Pinto: It’s not the size of the car that counts; it’s how you park it!”
Nevertheless, we remain proud of the Pinto and maintain that under a different name – perhaps “The Ford Reasonably Average-Sized Penis” – the vehicle could have succeeded.
Regretfully,
Henry Ford II, CEO, Ford Motor Company
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EXHIBIT D: COLGATE-PALMOLIVE (1982) Context: “Colgate Kitchen Entrees,” featuring frozen dinners like Colgate Beef Lasagna.
Dear Investors,
We regret to inform investors that our line of Colgate frozen dinners has been discontinued. Apparently, consumers were uncomfortable purchasing entrées associated with cavity prevention.
Our senior branding director Brenda Whitaker convinced the board that because people love the minty-fresh taste of Colgate toothpaste at 7:00 AM, they’d naturally crave a piping-hot tray of Colgate Beef Lasagna at 7:00 PM. Unfortunately, we discovered that people don’t enjoy eating products that sound like they should be followed by rinsing and spitting.
Several focus group participants specifically cited concerns over “minty lasagna confusion.” One customer reportedly wandered a grocery aisle for twenty minutes trying to determine whether “Colgate Beef Ravioli” was intended for lunch or plaque control.
Still, we stand by the quality of the meals themselves and maintain that our “Tartar Control Meatloaf” deserved more time in the marketplace.
Brenda is no longer with us, and we are currently trying to melt down the remaining inventory into a mint-flavored bathroom caulk.
Optimistically yours,
Wallace Colgate, CEO, Colgate-Palmolive
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As I reviewed these corporate apologies, one thing became painfully obvious: many CEOs are unwilling to admit when an idea itself is idiotic. Instead, they blame the rollout. The packaging was wrong. The slogan missed the mark. America overreacted to mint-flavored ravioli. Apparently, no one in the boardroom ever stood up and said: “Gentlemen, perhaps adults do not want strained beef in a baby jar.”
Personally, I think when selecting CEOs, companies should prioritize leaders who accept responsibility for failure. Or at minimum, leaders capable of inventing better excuses. Because if your explanation for Harley-Davidson perfume failing is, “Consumers weren’t emotionally prepared to smell like carburetors,” then perhaps the real product needing to be discontinued is your CEO.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go market my own new invention: The View from the Bleachers-Brand Scented Air Freshener. It smells like overcooked hot dogs, stale beer, and shattered dreams. My marketing team assured me it’s an amazing idea. So when it fails, I already know exactly who to fire.
Here is one new product launch that is guaranteed to become a smashing success. My own invention: VFTB Air Freshener. It came to me in a dream, so you know I’ve thought it through. Buy 50 cans and the 51st one is half off. That’s marketing, buddy!
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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by TEJ | Jun 22, 2024 | Business humor, Lifestyles humor
Hey, friends. Tim Jones here. You may know me as a humor writer. But now that I’ve mastered that field (unless you ask my children), I’ve decided to embark on a new creative journey – life as an artist. I have a good feeling about this (even if my wife does not).
Ilove my wife, Michele. She’s a very smart, incredibly talented artist. We can be competitive in some ways, but the truth is, our talents tend to lie in totally different arenas. For example, she can make incredibly tasty, nutritious meals, and I …. cannot. On the other hand, there’s not a sport you can name at which my wife can defeat me. That’s because she has about as much interest in learning how to play, say, pickleball, as our cat Zippy has in learning about the intricacies of cryptocurrency.
But there’s one area where, if I’m being honest, I must grudgingly admit my wife has the edge – anything to do with art. She went to art school. I, on the other hand, graduated from a liberal arts program with a degree in Communications – which, upon my graduation, opened up a universe of exciting possible entry level job opportunities – mainly in the food services industry.
For the past 25+ years, Michele has painted incredible, lifelike portraits of judges, university presidents, orchestra conductors, military generals, philanthropists, and snotty rich children posed next to their prissy Irish Wolfhound named Prince Tuckahoe.
If you’re curious about how talented a portrait artist my wife is, check out some of her portraits here. (And no, those aren’t photographs. Those are oil paintings.) But her real passion is painting landscapes of lakes, coastal areas, flowers, mountains, and birds – in other words, chick stuff. See what I mean here. I’m not one to toot my own horn, but I recently found out that I am the co-owner of the largest private collection of original Michele Rushworth artwork in the world.
Watching Michele create her masterpieces has inspired me to explore my own latent artistic potential. I retired a couple years ago from a career in sales and marketing, so I have more time on my hands lately. I believe there’s room for more than one artist in this house. So, I put down my writing pen, picked up the paintbrush, and am now well on my way to challenging my wife for household artistic supremacy.
I’ve only been at it a couple months – three, if you count my color-by-numbers coloring books initiation. I recently completed a painting of a horse prancing around in a field with a red barn in the background. When I showed it to a complete stranger for their reaction, they had no idea what it was, thinking that it might be an octopus or perhaps a school bus or maybe a mutant platypus, with a red barn in the background. On a positive note, I appear to have totally mastered how to paint a red barn.
Lately I’ve seen a marked improvement in my technique. Within less than three months, I had already progressed from finger painting to drawing with crayons, then colored pencils, and now I’m using actual paintbrushes – just like da Vinci used to paint the Mona Lisa. Check out the side-by-side comparison of da Vinci’s masterpiece vs. my own below. In case you’re uncertain, mine is the painting on the right.
Left: The Mona Lisa, by Leonardo da Vinci. Right: My own interpretation of this subject. I felt she needed a party hat and a bowl of popcorn, to make her feel happier. Okay, so I took some artistic license. Still, I think I nailed it.
Oh sure, my technique is a bit primitive, but I’m still in the early stages of my artistic renaissance. Eventually, I anticipate it will be difficult to tell the difference between an original Rushworth painting and an original Jones – assuming you’re drunk, can’t find your glasses, or are a dog.
But I have one thing going for me that my wife doesn’t have. I obtained a graduate degree in marketing, not to mention having spent over a decade in advertising. So, I know a thing or two about how to promote my work and generate some buzz. I just came up with this brilliant promotion: With your first purchase of an original Jones artwork, I’ll give you a punch card. Buy ten Jones originals, get all ten circles on your card punched, and voilà , your eleventh painting is half price. That’s called marketing, buddy.
I thought briefly about trying to create a media stir like the famous graffiti street artist known as Banksy does. He’s built almost a cult following by creating bold, sometimes controversial, works of street art in secrecy without asking permission. I tried doing this last week, painting over several area stop signs with the edgy word “GO” where the word “STOP” used to appear. It was done extremely tastefully. Alas, I was unable to explain to the arresting officer that this was just artistic expression, protected by our Constitution.
One idea I had was to offer a free lifetime subscription to my View from the Bleachers column, to any customer who purchased one of my original paintings. But one kind person suggested that instead, perhaps the incentive should be that the purchaser could request to be permanently UNSUBSCRIBED from my column. If it will help sell my work, I’m open to that suggestion.
My wife’s landscape paintings typically sell for thousands of dollars. I might have to start out a little lower initially until I build up a following. I showed a buddy of mine some of my most recent paintings. He suggested I start at Five dollars – or Best Offer. Hmm. This could be a tougher nut to crack than I thought.
Left: My wife’s oil painting of lily pads. Right: My own interpretation of the same subject matter. At first blush, it’s easy to mistake my wife’s artwork as superior. But notice how she totally left out the frog in her image – a glaring oversight, if you ask me.
I have no idea whether my artistic gifts will ever rival those of my artist wife. But one thing’s for sure – she will never match my prices. I accept cash, check, Venmo, and Dairy Queen gift cards.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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by TEJ | Jun 12, 2021 | Business humor
Welcome back to the office. Your boss is excited to have you here. Don’t worry. You’ll get the hang of it. It will be just like it’s been for the past year – except that you’ll be expected to put in more than 3 hours of work during an 8-hour shift. And you won’t be able to play Minecraft during the weekly staff meeting because your boss will be sitting next to you, now that these sessions are no longer on Zoom.
So you’re going back to work soon, eh? Not to imply that you haven’t been working extremely hard all this time over the past year, your nose to the grindstone three dedicated hours a day (six hours if you count your time playing video games) – ever since you’d been ordered to work from home due to the pandemic. But you just received word that, for the first time in over a year, your employer is asking everybody to report for work at the office.
If you’re like most people, you’re probably greeting this news with mixed emotions. Sure, you’re excited finally to see all your co-workers again. But you’re also wondering if you’ll even remember what they look like. [Hint: they look the same as before – just 35 pounds heavier.]
Having, until recently, worked in a corporate office environment for most of my career, I thought it might be helpful if I reviewed some workplace basics, to prepare you for your transition back to the world of co-workers, company lunchrooms, and office gossip.
First of all, when you enter the office, that slightly annoyingly perky person greeting you is the receptionist. They can help you locate your desk since by now you’ve probably long since forgotten where you used to sit. [Another Hint: It will be in the form of a 5’ x 5’ cubicle with 4’ tall dividers – just like the cubicles everybody else has, except that your desk has been relocated to the basement.]
Feel free to personalize your workspace to capture your own unique style by displaying photos of people you care about, along with fun posters and knickknacks to let people see your fun, quirky spirit – just so long as your photos have been approved by Human Resources, and your cubicle adheres to the company’s new “no posters or knickknacks” policy.
That vaguely familiar plastic device on your desk – the one with a curly cord – is called a desk phone. It works much the same as your cell phone, except that your desk phone can’t check your Facebook feed, or play Angry Birds, or binge-watch Bridgerton. Okay, so it’s essentially useless. But it might make a ringing sound occasionally. If it does, you probably should answer it. It just might be your boss – either that or someone from HR, asking you to take down your Texas Chainsaw Massacre poster (it’s starting to creep people out).
That large white boxy-shaped machine in the hallway where people press buttons and curse at it is called a copier. When you’re in a hurry and you need to make copies of an important document, it will conveniently jam roughly 80% of the way through the run. But don’t worry, with help from three co-workers, you might be able to locate the source of the problem in under a half hour.
Check out your new socially distanced work space. Now you will have more safety and even less privacy than ever before. Your cubicle will look just like this, except that it’s in the basement with a peek-a-boo view of the dumpster.
Since it’s been over 12 months since you last had to wear pants for work, let’s go over office attire etiquette. While pajama bottoms technically constitute a form of pants, you may not score points with your manager if you show up in them – unless you choose the PJs covered with images of your cat. It’s adorable. And let’s leave your Seattle Seahawks sweatpants at home too. Looks like they’ve not been washed since their heartbreaking loss to the Patriots in the 2015 Superbowl. (It’s really time to get over it, buddy.)
Personally, I think your bunny slippers are hilarious, but your annoyingly traditional stuffed shirt of a boss might be a stickler for something they call “shoes.”
Also, while this may seem totally unfair, the office expects you there by 8am. Crazy, I know. So, you might want to update your previous routine of waking up at 9:30am if you plan to make it in on time.
When you get to the office, it’s a great idea to re-introduce yourself to your co-workers. It’s been so long, they might not recognize you with your beard and ponytail and the Hello Kitty lower back tattoo you got on a dare that you lost. And when you greet them, smile, and feign interest in their response. Perhaps don’t lead off by saying, “Hey, you looked way slimmer on Zoom than in person.”
When you greet one of your colleagues, for safety’s sake, don’t shake hands. Settle for a friendly elbow bump or an “air” high five – unless the other person is a total jerk and you’ve already been double vaccinated, in which case, go ahead and plant a fat, wet kiss on their cheek. They’ll steer clear of you from now on. However, you may get a visit from that same HR representative who has a thing about ghoulish movie posters. HR reps have no friends.
While the pandemic appears to be in decline, we’re not out of the woods just yet. Be patient. Please continue to wear a mask in the office until you are told otherwise by management. But don’t wear your mask over your eyes as eye shades – especially during the team meeting. It may be your go-to move for your daily 2pm nap, but the corporate policy on napping is a bit less lax back at the office.
When you’re stuck in a meeting you feel is a complete waste of your time, refrain from saying out loud that the presenter is an incompetent idiot and a bore. Your mute button only works in Zoom meetings – not during in-person meetings. I can’t stress this enough.
You will be asked to do your small part to keep COVID away by wiping down your desk, computer, phone, chair and office supplies with an antiseptic cleanser every 45 minutes. Remember to bring a new box of disinfecting wipes to work each day. No, you can’t expense it.
Oh, one more thing. See that large room with all the swivel chairs around a large mahogany table? That’s called a conference room. It’s typically going to be used by your boss when they convene a meeting where they will go around the room to scream at each team member about how they are failing to abide by the company’s new “no posters or knickknacks” policy.
Being stuck in a conference room is no fun. But don’t worry. You will only have to attend these meetings for a few weeks – until they realize that the vaccine you got does not protect you against the latest COVID variant and they need to send everybody back home again.
Before you know it, the next spike will hit, and you’ll be back on your couch, in your pajamas and bunny slippers, with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. Good luck beating your high score on Fortnite.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021.
by TEJ | Oct 20, 2019 | Business humor
[The following is a true story.]
This is the true story of the time a major airline accidentally lost my luggage. Both my luggage and I are still in therapy over the incident.
Dear United Airlines Customer Severance Department,
I’m sorry. Did I write Customer Severance? Silly me. I meant “Customer Service.” Just like your airline meant to get my luggage from Seattle to Washington, D.C.
I hope I’m not catching you at an inconvenient time – though I have a nagging feeling you’re wading through a slew of letters just like this one. Perhaps you even have a whole department dedicated to lost luggage letters.
My boss was sending me to work a trade show. In preparing for my trip, I planned to take one small suitcase as carry-on, to avoid dealing with baggage claim – as much as I admire the delicate care always provided by your expert team of baggage handling professionals, mind you.
But then, the evening before my early morning flight, I received a most thoughtful robocall informing me that tomorrow’s flight would be quite full and advising me, due to limited storage capacity on board, to check my suitcase. Not wanting to be a disagreeable passenger, I dutifully complied.
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that my obeisance to your airline’s directive to check my bag is totally on me. After all, this is a free country. I could have chosen to ignore your message and brought my carry-on onto the plane. But had I done that, I never would have experienced the joy and satisfaction of sharing with you the story of what happened next.
When I arrived in D.C. at 10:00 pm, I figured I’d be snug in my hotel room snoring by 11:15. Graciously, your airline had other plans for my evening. I went directly to the indicated baggage claim carousel. I was impressed that within minutes, luggage came cascading down the conveyor belt – one piece after another.
10 minutes later I was feeling less impressed. 25 minutes later, a funny thing happened. Let me rephrase that: A funny thing DID NOT happen. My suitcase never arrived. I am relieved to report that of the 275 people on my flight, only one person’s parcel failed to reach its intended destination. Spoiler alert: it was mine.
Of course, I had foolishly packed my blood pressure, cholesterol, and half a dozen other life-saving medications in that bag, along with the clothes I would need for the trade show. I totally should have FedExed the lot. What was I thinking?
It was surprisingly easy to find your lost luggage office. Less surprising was that I was the fourth person in line. Not unlike waiting in the queue at Disneyland’s Space Mountain during spring break, I eventually reached the counter – at 12:01 a.m. I will say, your agent was quite polite as he placed the “CLOSED” sign on the counter directly in front of me and informed me I could come back at 6:00 a.m. when they reopened.
I must have looked even more desperate than I felt – or more menacing – because your representative grudgingly agreed to help me out. Again, this was totally my fault for keeping him late, due to my blatantly misguided decision to follow your airline’s instructions to check my baggage. I just hope your agent can find it in his heart to forgive me.
In his professional opinion, he concluded that I probably checked in too close to departure and that my luggage simply missed the flight. No doubt your rep was right to pin the blame on me. My bad, deciding to check my bag a mere two hours before the plane’s scheduled departure rather than on the previous Thursday.
When I asked if it might be on a later flight, I had to respect the fellow’s candor when he said, and I quote, “I have no idea where in the Hell your bag is.” Perhaps he was feeling a little hangry.
Naturally I was hoping he would offer me a voucher to purchase clothes, since all I had were the T-shirt, shorts and Birkenstocks I wore onto the plane. He indulgently explained that my luggage should arrive the next day, and as a result, he was not authorized to issue me a clothing allowance.
I asked your charmingly helpful agent what impression he thought I might make at our trade show booth wearing my shorts and a T-shirt that read “People say I have A.D.D. but they don’t know what – Hey, look! A Squirrel.” He deferred to his supervisor, who was just getting off duty as well. The latter reluctantly okayed the clothing allowance. Then your baggage claim agent politely added, “Don’t go buying expensive Florsheim shoes or Calvin Klein shirts, as high-end clothing will not be covered.” I had no idea Calvin Klein made shirts.
The actual route my suitcase took is apparently classified. But here is my best guestimate of its whirlwind world tour. All those sites in only three days!
The next morning at precisely 7:02 am, the most amazing thing happened. A customer service manager, no less, called to provide a most helpful status update. “We’re still looking for your luggage. We’ve not been able to locate it yet. All we know is it’s not in Seattle.”
In the interim, I was able to find a Marshall’s department store, which, in case you’re not familiar with their luxury brand, makes the clothes at Walmart look like a Paris fashion show. I purchased a shirt and slacks that were vaguely close to the required colors of our booth attire – and only two sizes too large, because that’s all they had in stock. On the plus side, people wondered if I had lost weight. Sweet.
Your crack team of Sherlock Holmes detectives finally traced the location of my luggage only two days later. It had apparently been loaded onto a plane bound for Rio or was it Buenos Aires? The good news is that the moment they finally found my precious cargo, they quickly re-routed it… to Atlanta. Did I mention my trade show was in D.C.? But hey, at least my clothes, meds, and I were now in the same time zone, so that’s progress.
I finally received my stuff just in time for my flight home to Seattle. I opted not to check my suitcase for that trip. I hope your ticket agent wasn’t offended by my insistence.
So, there you go. You can count on me to share my great appreciation on Twitter, Facebook and 11 other social media sites. Please pass along to your baggage handlers and everyone else involved in re-routing my luggage to South America, my heartfelt appreciation for everything they’ve done to restore my confidence in – my decision never ever to fly “the friendly skies” of United Airlines again.
Sincerely,
Tim Jones
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019
by TEJ | Sep 23, 2019 | Business humor
[Author’s note: Ever since I moved from Seattle to Camano Island, I’ve worked from home, by myself, as an independent contractor / consultant. Recently, in order to feel a little less isolated, I instituted my own company newsletter, which I call Tim’s Home Office News. I thought you might like to read the latest installment. – TEJ]
Welcome to this edition of Tim’s Home Office News – your most reliable source about what’s happening at Tim’s Home Office. (This month’s issue was written by our new VP of Public Relations, Tim, seen above.)
TIM’S HOME OFFICE NEWS – September Edition
Welcome to Tim’s Home Office News, our monthly bulletin aimed at keeping everyone working here at Tim’s Home Office up to date on the latest happenings around the company. There’s lots to report, so let’s get started!
First of all, a tip of the hat to Tim for winning our Employee of the Month award for the 47th straight month. Way to go, big guy! Thanks to your outstanding performance, you will once again earn your very own parking space in the corporate garage. We would mail you your engraved plaque to proudly display on your cubicle wall for all to see – but our records indicate you already have it.
Also, congratulations are in order for our Facility Manager, Tim, on completing the renovation of the employee lounge (also known as Tim’s Man Cave) at a cost of only 260% over budget. We think all who work here will agree the new 55” hi-def flat screen TV and PlayStation 4 video game console were long overdue enhancements, which will no doubt pay for themselves in increased productivity and improved morale.
In other Tim’s Home Office news, you’ve probably noticed the state-of-the-art smoothie maker in our staff kitchen. A big shout out of appreciation goes to our Office Administrator, Tim. And thanks also to our Intern Tim for all those delicious smoothie recipes (except for the one with Kale. Not a big hit with the staff, buddy).
As happens from time to time, the corporation decided to implement a much-needed staff re-organization to improve efficiencies and reduce waste. It comes as no surprise that Tim has been appointed Senior Vice President of Operations, effective immediately. He will continue to oversee his previous responsibilities in the areas of facilities management, marketing, finance and human resources, until further notice. We wish Tim the best of luck in his new role.
Tim’s Home Office has released its latest Profit & Loss statement. We regret to report that for the ninth consecutive month, we’ve had had to dip into the employee retirement plan to meet cash flow requirements and cover critical operational costs. Included are the lease on our home office, insurance, utilities and maintenance on the company fleet of vehicles (make that “vehicle”).
One insider (known only by the initials T.I.M.) criticized our Transportation Director Tim’s decision to acquire an unbudgeted new SUV as “an unnecessary impulse purchase of questionable timing.” On a related note, we regret to report that the company retreat originally scheduled for this fall in Cabo San Lucas has been postponed indefinitely.
In related news, which may come as a relief to some, despite missing revenue projections for the third straight quarter, the senior leadership of Tim’s Home Office has decided not to lay off a single employee. In an internal memo to the staff, CEO Tim wrote, “I care about every employee. Before I would fire any of them, I would fire myself!”
This past weekend was the always fun annual employee golf outing. Unfortunately, attendance was light again this year, perhaps due to the unusually cold temperatures. In the end, only our Sales Manager, Tim, was able to attend the event. Tim is excited to share that he won the “Closest to the Pin” competition on three of the four par threes. Next time, how about a hole in one, eh, Tim?
In these stressful times, we know that morale is everything. So, the Executive Steering Committee, led by Tim, is installing a state-of-the-art hot tub – the enjoyment of which will be limited to employees and guests of Tim’s Home Office. Please refer to your Employee Handbook for details about its use and our clothing-optional policy.
Congratulations to Tim on being named Employee of the Month. Tim was the unanimous pick of all the employees. Atta boy, Tim. We knew you could do it!
It will soon be time to celebrate Tim’s Home Office annual company Christmas party – to be held, as is the tradition, at our headquarters. Newly announced Senior VP of Operations Tim will be looking for volunteers to spearhead the planning, including food, decorations, and musical entertainment. Employees interested in joining the steering committee are encouraged to look for the sign-up sheet in the employee lounge.
We would like to address rumors that have been circulating about a possible acquisition of Tim’s Home Office by a potential suitor. While it is true that the company was in discussions about merging with a nearby competitor, Brad’s Home Office, negotiations broke down when their CEO (named Brad) was unwilling to absorb the accumulated debt position of Tim’s Home Office.
There is no word yet on the timetable for publishing the company’s annual report – or for that matter, hiring a Board of Directors or replacing the Senior Leadership Team. But according to our Director of Communications, Tim, the annual report, when completed, will provide a rich and full disclosure of the company’s finances and bright projections for a successful fiscal year ahead – just as soon as our Chief Financial Officer, Tim, can locate someone who knows how to use a calculator and a spreadsheet.
That’s it for this month’s edition of Tim’s Home Office News. And remember, next Friday is the deadline to submit your nomination for next month’s Employee of the Month. I’m talking to you, Tim!
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
[Author’s Note: This week’s post was inspired by my dear friend and fellow humorist, Steve Fisher, at right, who came up with the premise and invited me to run with it. – TEJ]
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Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019
by TEJ | Aug 15, 2018 | Business humor, Fun and Leisure Humor
Throughout my life, I’ve held a variety of jobs – from Sales Director to Director of Sales and everything in between. Given the chance, I could have been a superstar selling advertising, life insurance or legal research to anyone from astronauts to Aborigines, had my employers not fired me for poor performance and incompetence. So, you can imagine my excitement when I recently heard about an opening that sounded right up my alley: Working the BINGO booth at our local county fair.
When word got to me that a local non-profit needed help with the fair’s BINGO operations, I knew I was the perfect candidate. When the BINGO Boss man called, I was totally prepared. I had updated my resume to reflect relevant skills that made me uniquely qualified for this challenge – most notably that I was adept – even under pressure – at differentiating most letters from numbers.
I was surprised at how few questions the recruiter posed during the interview. His opening pitch was, “Are you willing to work the BINGO booth at the fair this weekend?” From the get-go, I picked up on serious buying signals. Not to appear immodest, but I am a tenacious negotiator. I asked him what the base salary was. He said there was no salary. I interpreted that to mean it was commission-only. No problem, I thought. That just means the sky’s the limit.
I asked about stock options, how the health insurance plan worked, whether the job came with a matching 401K and when I’d be eligible for my four weeks of vacation. In the end, we reached what I feel was a fair compromise: No salary, vacation, stock options or health coverage. But I wrangled free entrance to the entire fairgrounds – including behind-the-scenes access to the rabbits exhibit and the tractor pull competition. (more…)
