Left: How we all fantasize about car ownership: out in the desert, warm breeze blowing on our face. Right: The reality of car ownership. Not so much a warm breeze as a hot steam spraying up from under the hood, in the desert, in the middle of nowhere. Did I mention that you’re out of cell phone range?
I love cars. But owning a car is a lot like being in a long-term relationship with a temperamental, unpredictable partner. In the beginning, it’s all love and smooth rides; you’re cruising down the highway with the windows down, music blasting like Jerry Maguire singing along to Tom Petty’s song Free Fallin.‘
But then, you hit a few bumps–figuratively and literally. If you’ve owned a car long enough, you’ll eventually learn that a few universal truths exist, no matter how much you try to Dodge them. Here are seven immutable laws of car ownership. If you’re a first-time car buyer, you better buckle up. You’re in for a bumpy ride.
The First Law of Breakdowns
No matter how carefully you maintain your car, the first time it breaks down will occur at the most inconvenient possible moment. You’ll be late for work, or worse, five minutes from the airport with a suitcase packed full of non-refundable destination vacation plans.
The breakdown will happen in the middle of a busy intersection or on a lonely road in the middle of nowhere – with any luck in utter darkness. The car will die at exactly the point when your AAA membership expires, and your phone, which in your haste you forgot to charge, will lose power just as you are attempting to text your neighbor, “Hey Carl my car broke down. Can you get me? I’m at – “
The Law of Mysterious Fluid Leaks
Every car has a secret, and that secret is a small, irritating fluid leak. It’s always the kind of leak that doesn’t show up on a regular service maintenance check, but when you’re least expecting it, turning your driveway into the setting for a small environmental disaster. You’ll detect an oil leak, or a coolant drip, or other mysterious “blue liquid” that’s not covered in the owner’s manual. Of course, this leak will only appear when your mechanic is out of town, and the entire auto parts store will be sold out of whatever overpriced magic potion is supposed to fix it.
Any idea what this purple fluid is that is dripping down from your engine block? No idea? Don’t worry. Your local mechanic will know, and trust me, it’s going to cost you an arm and a leg.
The Law of Unsolicited Advice
Everyone you know will have an opinion on how to fix your car, whether they have any qualifications or not. That guy at work who’s convinced that you can repair any car issue by watching YouTube will tell you to fix it yourself, even if you can’t tell the difference between a spark plug and an alternator.
Your devoutly religious elderly mother will offer to “pray for the car,” as if divine intervention will fix your busted radiator. And don’t get me started on your buddy Norm who says, “Just use duct tape, dude. It worked on my engine once!” No. No, it didn’t! You should never listen to anything Norm tells you. Why exactly are you even friends with him, anyway?
The Law of The ‘Check Engine’ Light
The primary reason this particular dashboard light was created is to generate intense anxiety, in order to send you rushing to the nearest repair shop and opening up your wallet. In reality, no one – especially you – has any idea what it actually means.
When it first comes on, you panic and frantically check the manual to decipher its cryptic message. From what you can surmise it means either that the battery is about to explode or possibly that the transmission is about to completely freeze up.
So, you take the car in for a diagnostic, and they’ll tell you it’s a minor sensor issue and that it’s probably safe to keep driving it… for now. Of course, you’ll still spend the next three months Googling “check engine light causes” and wondering if you’ll be stranded in the middle of the freeway at any moment with yet another warning light that flashes in bright red, “Your car is fucked.”
The Law of Unknown Sporadic Car Noises
There’s a sound your car will make. A random squeak. A clunk. An ominous rattling. The noise will occur at the worst possible time, and you’ll immediately think the car is on the brink of a mechanical breakdown. You’ll take it in, and the mechanic will give you that classic shrug: “Hmm. I couldn’t hear anything. It could be the camshaft. It might be the clutch assembly. Or maybe you need a complete engine rebuild. Unfortunately, your vehicle is out of warranty by 100 miles. If it keeps making that sound, bring it back in.”
You’ll drive around for weeks listening to that same unrelentingly unnerving sound, but the minute you bring the car back in, it will stop. It’s like your car is playing some sort of twisted head game with you. And it’s winning.
The Law of Repairs ALWAYS Costing More Than Expected
So, you notice one of your headlight lightbulbs is out. You take it to the local Firestone dealer to replace it. Good news: A replacement bulb only costs $25.00. Should be in and out in about twenty minutes. Forty minutes later a service tech informs you that your vehicle’s model year uses a special non-standard bulb that has to be custom ordered from a warehouse in Stuttgart, Germany. This special bulb costs $150. And they are only sold in pairs, so that’s $300.
It’s impossible to install these bulbs unless you’re a professional mechanic. If you want the dealer to install them, that will be another $200. It takes three weeks for the part to arrive from Germany. Then the earliest date they can squeeze you in for an appointment to install the new headlight bulbs will be two weeks after that. But only if you can leave the car with them all day. And no, they don’t have a shuttle service.
The good news? All your car needed to fix that rattling sound is a tiny widget the size of a spool of thread, which only costs you $5.00. The bad news? Installing it will be another $375.
The Law of Premature Car Replacement
At some point – usually about three years before you were planning to begin looking for a new car – you’ll find yourself facing the decision of whether to fix your car again or buy a new one. You’ll weigh the pros and cons, calculate how much it would cost to keep your 2011 Toyota Camry running, and ask yourself unsettling questions like, “How often do I even use the AC anyway?” and “How important is it that I can’t pull my car into reverse anymore?”
No matter how much you try to delay it, you’ll eventually face the unavoidable day of reckoning, reluctantly accepting that it’s probably finally time to call that annoying radio jingle phone number, 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS, and donate your lemon of a car to charity.
It turns out that the cost of a new car is surprisingly affordable lately, by which I mean roughly the same amount as the cost to send your youngest child to college next fall. And you can’t afford to do both. Tough decision, I hear you. Sure, she got accepted into Princeton. But you really need a new car. Good luck explaining to her how Riverside Community College is a lot like Princeton.
In the end, owning a car is a mix of love, frustration, and myriad unforeseeable expenses. But remember, the next time your car breaks down when you least expect it, don’t freak out when you receive that insanely high repair bill. From what I’ve been reading, community colleges are a much better investment than four-year universities anyway.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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Trump-Canceling Headphones. Nothing works better to help you forget about the fact that we have elected a madman to run our country for the next four years. No worries!
Has this ever happened to you? You’re channel surfing to see what’s on TV and just about everywhere you look, the screen is filled with images of Trump ranting about how terrible everything is and how only he can fix it.
Or you’re out doing errands, so you turn on your car radio. Within seconds you hear Trump’s grating voice as he explains his latest plan to invade Greenland and deport anyone who didn’t vote for him to Guatemala.
Or you’re just thumbing through TikTok and the next thing that pops up on your phone is Trump with his co-president Elon Musk explaining to Fox News how he’s going to reduce everyone’s grocery bill by implementing 25% tariffs on all foreign-produced food items. Huh?
All of this non-stop bombardment of Trump 24/7 would be enough to make even the most stoic person start considering a permanent vacation to a remote island where cable news is unheard of and there’s no such thing as social media. But fear not, because VFTB Enterprises is announcing the solution to your Trump-fatigue: Trump-Canceling Headphones!
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How do these headphones work?
Trump-Canceling Headphones utilize cutting-edge technology, specifically designed to detect the sound frequencies of Trump-related discussions. The moment the words “Trump,” “Elon,” or “MAGA” are uttered, the headphones instantly cancel out all sound related to the Orange Menace and replace it with a symphony of serenity. Choose between classical music, smooth jazz, spa music, or many other music genres. Or upgrade to our Soothing Sounds of Nature Deluxe package and choose from among over five dozen relaxing ambient sound options, from babbling brook to crackling campfire to purring kittens.
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– Sarah from New York
The next time you find yourself tensing up at the sight of Trump attacking his enemies on TV, don’t get hooked. Just put on your Trump-Canceling Sunglasses. But be careful. You’ll laugh so hard, you just might pee your pants – just like whining Baby Trump.
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I used to stress out over some of the silliest things, like, was I a good enough manager at work? Was I doing enough to be a supportive husband? Would my teenage daughters turn out okay? Would I ever cure my banana slice drives off the tee? (Answer to that last question: No.)
But then I met somebody who helped me put so many aspects of my life into proper perspective. His name is Buddy. I’ve known Buddy for the past eight years. He’s starting to get up there in age. I’m not sure how many more years he has left, to be honest.
I’ve never seen him shave. He seems to wear the same outfit every day. He prioritizes comfort over fashion. Buddy has never been one to be concerned with impressing other people. He doesn’t care if others judge him for his lackadaisical lifestyle. He is comfortable in his own skin. Buddy leads a simple, modest life.
Nowadays, since I’m retired, and I’m pretty sure Buddy doesn’t work anymore either, we see each other often. He’s never been into accumulating tech toys, expensive clothes, or watches. He never pursued getting a driver’s license, so he can’t even legally drive. As far as I know, he doesn’t travel much. At least he’s never mentioned any trips to exotic locations. He’s never been to Disneyland, nor has he expressed any deep desire to visit the Grand Canyon. He’s pretty much a homebody, from what I can tell.
Buddy’s needs are simple. He doesn’t brag about his latest achievement. He never talks rudely or arrogantly around women. He doesn’t drink or smoke. He’s no gourmet, but he wouldn’t turn down a good New York steak if you offered it to him.
In our visits, Buddy has helped me realize what’s important in life – and what isn’t. He comes by now and then and, with a gentle glance, reminds me to take a deep breath and relax. If he had a mantra, it would be four words: “Don’t Worry. Be Happy.” The way my friend sees it, nothing on my list of worries is all that pressing, anyway. Whatever it is I’m currently obsessing over, it can’t be that important. Or if it is, it will pass soon enough. Keep reminding me about that, okay, Buddy?
I often wonder how Buddy lets the worries of life just glide over him, like water off a duck’s back. He never complains about any of his ills, even when his arthritic legs are acting up, and it’s hard for him to take long walks. He’s unflappable and takes everything in stride. I admire this about him. I want to be more like Buddy. I need to acquire his indefatigably calm perspective on life’s ups and downs.
Over the past several years, we’ve become extremely close. When I share some of the things I have been working on, Buddy never interrupts me. He’s a better listener than a talker. He never discusses his own troubles. He is the least self-absorbed, most well-adjusted fellow I’ve ever known. When you’re in his presence, his entire focus is on you. And in minutes, all my cares and worries seem to melt away.
Buddy doesn’t move as quickly as he used to. His walk has slowed to somewhere between a saunter and an amble. These days, he enjoys relaxing in his big comfy chair and soaking in the sun. There have been times when I was so busy that I didn’t slow down long enough to reach out to him to say hi. But he never seems to hold a grudge about those sorts of things. When we finally reconnect, he’ll just look at me with the kindest eyes, and I know he’s just glad to see me again.
I don’t know how much longer Buddy will be around. I’ve noticed he’s been moving a lot slower lately. And I can tell he’s in pain sometimes, especially when he gingerly attempts to negotiate stairs. But he never complains. He just accepts his lot in life, never choosing to play the victim. Buddy has taught me to be a more patient, calm, and grateful human being. He has taught me to be more forgiving of others and not to worry about things I can’t control.
I think about the fact that someday before too long, Buddy will probably pass away. When that day comes, I will miss him terribly. But until then, I’m grateful to have him in my life. And at the end of every day, I look forward to lying in bed, knowing that in a few minutes, Buddy will quietly meander into my bedroom, and lie down next to me. And my wife doesn’t mind it a bit. After all, Buddy’s her cat, too.
PS: Oh, about the photo at the top of this article. That’s a dear friend of mine named Charlie. He’s a great guy. Hope that wasn’t confusing.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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(FOX NEWS) President-Elect Trump is wasting no time assembling his cabinet. He has already announced several bold appointments, including Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as Secretary of Health and Human Services, Fox News weekend host Pete Hegseth as Secretary of Defense, and Tulsi Gabbard as Director of National Intelligence and Russian Public Relations. Trump has proudly taken credit for choosing the most diverse cabinet of white men in modern history.
The President-Elect has also named Matt Gaetz to become the next Attorney General. That said, this selection has been met with a few minorconcerns from a tiny fringe group of leftwing radical democrats opposed to the idea of Congressmen with a history of sex trafficking underage girls at cocaine-fueled rage parties being considered for the top law enforcement job in the country.Some people have such ridiculously high standards.
In the remote chance Gaetz fails to get confirmed or withdraws his name from consideration, there is growing speculation Trump may shift to his backup choice, Hannibal Lector, to whom rank-and-file Republicans have already given two enthusiastic thumbs up, making the case that he’d make a fascinating dinner guest.
In his selection process, Trump has devised a unique, rigorous, three-pronged set of requirements: 1) Has he seen the candidate on TV? 2) Have they publicly and repeatedly gushed excessive, obsequious praise of Trump? And 3) Do they lack any prior relevant experience for the job? Unless the answer to all three questions is a resounding YES, they won’t be considered.
Fox News has learned that in the upcoming week Trump plans to announce several additional bold picks for key roles within his administration. Here are a few names he is widely expected to name to his cabinet…
Secretary of Agriculture – Jake from State Farm. Apparently unaware that State Farm is not an actual farm, Mr. Trump has praised Jake from State Farm for being great on TV and for being a “nice-looking black guy.” He went on to add, “I love the blacks, and the blacks love me.”
Secretary of Oil and Fracking (formerly the Energy Department) – Trump has hinted that the inside track for this important cabinet post goes to J.R. Ewing, former CEO of Ewing Oil until Dallas was cancelled in 1991. Ewing has a well-earned reputation for ruthless business practices, including bribery, blackmail, and brutally crushing his opponents. Ewing is known for being vengeful, a womanizer, and oblivious to the needs of anyone around him. “And those are just a few of the reasons he’d make a great addition to my team,” beamed Trump.
CIA Director – Vladimir Putin. “Nobody knows more about Russia and how to spy than my pal Vlad,” Trump told a press gathering. “I talk to Vlad sometimes three times a day. So, he’s really tapped into our intelligence situation like nobody I know. And I’m sure he and Tulsi will get along famously since they agree on just about everything, so that’s a big plus.”
Surgeon General – Dr. Phil. “Is Dr. Phil an actual medical doctor? Hell if I know. But if he’s good enough for Oprah, he’s good enough for me,” Trump told a gathering of sycophants at Mar-A-Lago. “But he really should get a toupee. I know a guy,” Trump added..
Trump, in an effort to Make America Great Again, plans to announce several brand new cabinet-level posts. Here are a few of the new departments Trump plans to unveil:
Secretary of Trans(De)portation – Trump announced this new cabinet-level department – which will replace the Department of Transportation. The primary function of this agency will be to identify transgender individuals and have them deported and banned from all high school sports teams.
Rumors are that Marjorie Taylor Greene has the inside track. “We’ve all known trans fats are dangerous. Even skinny trans are bad for America. So, I’m going to ban all of them once and for all,” Greene declared to a mob of supporters in red MAGA hats.
Some of the bold picks Trump will soon be announcing to fill key roles in his administration. These stunning picks just might Make America Great Again – or possibly accelerate the final, inevitable destruction of our democracy. Political experts say it’s a toss-up.
Secretary of Professional Wrestling – Hulk Hogan. “Nobody can rip open a t-shirt like the Hulkster can. He will make pro wrestling great again,” said Trump in a recent Truth Social post. “I will also ban volleyball and women’s golf. They’re just too gay,” he added.
Secretary of God and Bible Stuff – Lee Greenwood (who sang God Bless the USA). Trump praised the country singer for his patriotism, his love of God, and the $4 million Trump made from hawking his made-in-China Lee Greenwood Bibles on TikTok.
Minister of Propaganda (formerly Press Secretary) – George Santos. Trump posted on X (formerly Twitter), “Nobody is more committed to telling the truth than George – with the possible exception of me.”
Trump also plans to eliminate the Department of Education and replace it with a new Cabinet post, Department of Trolling. Political insiders expect him to select Steve Bannon because, when asked about Bannon, Trump shouted back, “Steve practically invented trolling as an art form. Nobody owns the libs more than this guy. He will drive them crazy for the next eight to twelve years of my administration.”
As this article was going to press, there was speculation that Trump might even go so far as to nominate Dr. Mehmet Oz to oversee Medicare, Medicaid, and Obamacare – three critical healthcare programs that directly impact the lives of over one hundred million Americans. Oz has been almost universally mocked and vilified for promoting quack miracle cures despite virtually zero medical proof they work.
On the one hand, Dr. Oz is a TV celebrity, and he appears to lack any of the requisite qualifications to oversee Medicare and Medicaid, so those are two big pluses. But even more importantly, it’s quite possible Trump may be confusing Dr. Oz with the Wizard of Oz, who he’s seen on TV. And Trump probably would love to have a scary wizard in his cabinet able to cast debilitating spells on his enemies on Trump’s command. So, the odds look good for Oz to join his cabinet as well.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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One of my favorite photos of my sister Betsy, with one of the many dogs she rescued and loved deeply.
My closest friend is my wife Michele. We’ve been married for 37 years. She is my rock, my partner, a patient and involved mother to our two daughters, and someone who has put up with my lame, sophomoric humor far longer than anyone should have to endure. Everybody tells her she must be a saint to still be married to me (either that or a masochist).
But for most of my life, my second best friend has been my sister, Betsy. She was born three years after me. Tragically, in 2021, amid a mounting toll of increasingly unrelenting physical and mental health challenges, she finally lost her battle fighting lifelong depression. She died of suicide.
A day does not go by that I don’t think about my sister. But with each passing month, my deep grief has slowly made room for happier memories of the many wonderful adventures (and misadventures) we had together. I once wrote a serious piece called Twelve Teachers, in which I shared my observations about twelve people who have most powerfully impacted my life for the better. Betsy was at the top of that list.
We were the two youngest of five children. As a result, we spent more time together than with our three elder siblings. Betsy became the historian of my childhood, years later remembering minute details about things and people about which I had long since forgotten.
I have always been a bit risk averse. That was never Betsy’s constraint. She never minded making a complete fool of herself if it would bring laughter to someone else. She relished pushing the envelope to try new things.
One time, the two of us, along with a friend, went to an amusement park. Betsy saw that they had a bungee jump attraction. You wear a harness and are then hoisted up by a cable until you are dangling some 200 feet above the ground before being jettisoned into the open air below.. You’ have to be insane to attempt this – or be Betsy. She did it, while my friend and I looked on in near terror, and she kept laughing riotously as she bounced up and down.
Betsy and me (yes, that’s me with a beard) after our almost disastrous misadventure skydiving. It was all Betsy’s idea.
When we were both at Ohio State (me for graduate school and Betsy for undergraduate), she begged me unrelentingly to join her in taking a one-day skydiving course. I will never forget the churning emotions I felt as I watched my younger sister voluntarily jump out of a plane at 5,000 feet– only to do the same myself moments later. That was Betsy – always pushing herself – and me – beyond our comfort zones just to have a new story to tell.
When we were both in our twenties, Betsy persuaded me to join her backpacking through Europe. We hopped on trains, sometimes without a clear plan for where our next destination would be. Over two months, we explored France, Germany, Switzerland, Austria, Ireland, and more. It is because of Betsy that to this day, I have a love of traveling the world.
Betsy continued to travel on her own or with friends in the decades to follow. Like me, she had her own Grumpy teddy bear that she would take with her. We would compete for who could take our Grumpy to more exotic destinations, me taking a photo of my Grumpy in China, Betsy matching me with a photo of her Grumpy atop Machu Picchu. This went on for decades.
Betsy after her appearance on NBC’s TODAY SHOW, With Katie Couric and Betsy’s twins, Kevin and Tyler.
Betsy had twins in 1990, and nine years later, on their 9th birthday on 9-9-99, she found a way to get on NBC’s The Today Show because of it. It involved a mishap caused by my overly aggressive driving (no one was hurt). Only Betsy could find a way to get on national TV for having twins. But she did. If you’re curious as to the backstory, you can read my article here.
Betsy found joy and laughter in everyday life – baking cookies for new neighbors, babysitting a neighbor’s dog for them if they were out of town. She had a contagious laugh that is impossible to describe. But when she broke out in hysterical laughter – sometimes when she had made a deeply embarrassing mistake – it was impossible not to join her for the ride and get caught up in her exuberant fit of laughter.
More than anyone I ever knew, Betsy could find ways to create joyful chaos and silliness in the most unexpected situations. One time, we were at a water park, at the top of one of the water slides. Just as the park employee told Betsy it was safe for her to push off, Betsy looked back at me and shouted to me – loud enough for the employee to hear – “Tim, I have to tell you something. I want to break up” – right before she disappeared down the chute. The employee no doubt must have been mortified by someone “breaking up” in this seemingly cruel, insensitive manner. But that was Betsy’s wacky sense of humor.
July 2016: One of my happiest days ever with Betsy: a perfect sunny day on a ferry boat ride to Friday Harbor, San Juan Islands.
If you want to understand where I learned how to be juvenile, silly, and completely willing to embarrass myself in front of others, now you know the source: Betsy. One of the reasons I love to make people laugh is because of how effortlessly my sister demonstrated this talent throughout her life. Even when she was struggling with bouts of depression or anxiety, she could still find the humor in an otherwise difficult situation and make me laugh uncontrollably.
Betsy was also a teacher – one who deeply loved her students. For several years she taught English as a foreign language to adult immigrants. She went to extraordinary lengths to find creative ways to make her classes fun and engaging. This should not come as any surprise, but many of her students became long-term friends with her as a result, with many routinely inviting Betsy into their homes for meals.
Through her example, Betsy made me want to be a more caring, selfless person. Despite living a very modest life, always on the financial precipice, she was one of the most generous people I ever knew. She always thought about the needs of the people around her before herself. It was just how she was wired. In early 2021, less than two months before my sister’s passing, I came up with the idea of trying to get 100 people from all over the country to send our mom 100 birthday cards to celebrate her 100th birthday. My part was the easy part. Promote the idea on Facebook and in emails. But all the cards were mailed to Betsy to sort through and organize.
Betsy received over 400 birthday cards for our mom. She opened up every card and assembled several dozen posters displaying the overwhelming outpouring of kindness to our mom. But the incredible part was when I later learned that Betsy had taken the time to send most of these people a personal, handwritten thank-you letter for sending our mom a card. She wrote hundreds of thank you letters – most of them to complete strangers. Who does such a thing? My sister, that’s who.
My all-time favorite photo of me with Betsy, with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background. Nobody could make me laugh like she could. Nobody.
Betsy taught me the importance of expressing appreciation for the people who help us along the way. Nobody I’ve ever known had more friends than my sister. The only things she loved as much as the people in her life were her many cats and dogs she rescued over the years.
I learned so many life lessons from my sister: the importance of having close friendships, showing gratitude, giving to others without expecting anything in return, and finding laughter and joy in the most mundane or unexpected situations.
I am far from perfect. I have many flaws. Just ask my kids or anyone who knows me well. But I know this for a certainty: I am a better person because of the powerful formative role my sister Betsy played in shaping the man I am today. And I will always be grateful to her for that gift.
Sis, you will forever be in my heart.
[Note: If you, a loved one, or a friend is struggling with depression, anxiety, or other form of mental illness, a wonderful resource – and one our family has personally worked with – is NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. – TEJ ]
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it aLikeorsharing this post on Facebook.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it aLikeorsharing this post on Facebook.
