Once upon a time, a long time ago, while I was watching prime time TV, I started thinking about the notion of time. I had some spare time, and it was Teatime, so I grabbed some Earl Grey, set the timer, and pondered. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up from my naptime, it occurred to me that life is a race against time.
My dad’s mantra was, “Time is money.” He was constantly pressed for time to get the job done, always finishing in the nick of time. He never took nearly enough time off. He’d often give me a hard time about my not being on time, and as a result I’d end up with a timeout. On the other hand, my mom used to tell me, “Just bide your time, and everything will be okay.” Not sure what her point was. Maybe in time it will make sense.
I remember the time I was watching a thrilling football playoff game. It went into overtime. My team almost won, but they ran out of timeouts. I’d tell you the rest of that story, but I don’t want to waste your time.
The time was when we didn’t obsess so much about time. Now, we’re all so dang time-starved. People are too busy keeping up with the times to give you the time of day. Your boss screams at you, “This is not the time to be texting! You’re on company time.” I dread switching over to Daylight Savings Time because that’s another hour I’ve lost in my life. You may say I’m behind the times, but I think we all need to take more time to stop and smell the roses – or do the New York Times crossword puzzle. I know that when the time is ripe, I’ll make the Big Time. Or not. Only time will tell. But in the meantime, it’s time to slow down.
Ask yourself: Are you just a Good Time Charlie, or are you going to make something of your time on earth while there’s still time? Remember what the great Roman philosopher Cicero once said: “Tempus fugit.” (Time flies.) I know this big-time operator who swindled investors on fake Rolex time pieces. He’s now serving time in the Big House. So, use your precious time wisely, or in no time flat, you could be doing hard time, too. At least then you’d have plenty of time on your hands to catch up on your to-do list.
One time, I was at the right place at the wrong time. I suspect God has a devil of a time dealing with Satan. Don’t appreciate the previous two time jokes? Well, perhaps third time’s a charm. But I digress.
The time has come for me to conclude my meanderings about the fleeting nature of time, while time is on my side. What I’m trying to say is, don’t let time slip through your fingers. Right now could be the time of your life – unless you’re stuck in a time warp or happen to be my buddy Fred. He’s going through a rough time, thanks to his two-timing wife. And I thought for sure his marriage would stand the test of time. He’s hurting big time right now.
It’s high time we take a look at our lives and make time for what’s really important, like spending quality time with friends and family. I wish I could just buy more time to be with them. Maybe that’s what timeshares are all about. But time waits for no one, and we cannot always make up for lost time.
Since time immemorial, we’ve known that our time-sensitive lives aren’t frozen in time. Life keeps ticking, like a time bomb. In next to no time, “boom!” There’s no time left on the clock. So don’t just kill time. Facetime the faraway people you love. Because, let’s face it, we’re all living on borrowed time.
For the time being, my advice is to take it one step at a time. I hope you’ve found this article timely. I completed it right on time. Not sure it’s one of my best of all time. If not, I’ll try to do better next time.
Wow, in writing this, I’ve totally lost track of time. I guess what they say is right: Time flies when you’re having fun. Look at the time! It’s Miller Time. Time to call it a day. But I’ll be back in no time with another time-tested commentary – unless God tells me my time’s up.
PS: Here’s a fun fact. My first name is Tim. And my middle initial is E. So, even my name is all about TimE.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
For the upcoming NFL season, the Commissioner and team owners are leaving NOTHING to chance to protect players, coaches and staff – except for the minor suggestion from the CDC that the NFL shut down completely until a vaccine is available, which suggestion they duly ignored.
I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore! This Coronavirus has gone too far! First it closed down the stores and I’ve been forced to shop on Etsy. Then the schools close and kids are climbing the walls. Next it’s “social distancing so I can’t even snuggle with my cats. I thought we’d hit rock bottom with “No Mask – No Entry.” I was wrong.
Every Autumn, the National Football League gears up for its regular season. But this year, there won’t be very much that’s “regular” about it. Starting with the elimination of all pre-season games, the NFL has decided to implement some unsettling, even draconian procedural changes to ensure the protection of players, coaches, and attractive female sideline reporters. Here are just a few changes you’ll be seeing this year, thanks to COVID:
Safe Social Distancing
Following the distancing guidelines of the CDC and the World Health Organization, all NFL players will be required to maintain at least six feet of separation at all times during practices and games. On the downside, as a practical matter, all blocking and tackling will, of necessity, be prohibited.
On the upside, fans may witness some of the highest scoring games in NFL history. ESPN commentators contend that the record for most points racked up in a single season (606 by the 2013 Denver Broncos) is in jeopardy of being shattered. Some predict Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes alone could eclipse that lofty milestone by halftime in his team’s season opener.
Accidental Contact
Replacing the traditional penalty for unnecessary roughness will be a new yellow flag for unnecessary contact. If a player is caught making contact of any kind, even incidental, with any other player, this violation will result in a 15-yard penalty. In addition, both players will be required to remain in quarantine for 14 days. Some worry this could also have a chilling effect on high-fives and chest bumps after touchdowns.
Honor System for Tackling
Defensive players who feel they would, under normal circumstances, have been able to tackle an offensive player but for the social distancing policy, will be permitted to submit a written appeal to the referee within five minutes from the conclusion of the previous play. At that point, game officials will then have up to 15 additional minutes to review play footage from fifteen different angles to determine whether such a tackle would have been more likely than not. If the defender wins his challenge, the ball will be returned to the spot of the otherwise probable tackle – and the defender will be permitted to issue a profanity-laced tirade of smack talk about his opponent’s athletic failings and the ref’s incompetence (while maintaining a safe social distance).
Protective Field Shield
Borrowing an ingenious solution from grocery store checkout counters, the NFL has announced that as an added level of safety, officials will lower a giant 10-feet tall plexiglass screen onto the line of scrimmage before every play. This impenetrable partition, running the entire width of the field, will ensure no players run the risk of exposure to an opposing team player, not to mention virtually eliminating all offsides infractions.
Ball Replacement
After every play, footballs will be incinerated, replaced by a new ball delivered in a hermetically-sealed wrapper. For added safety, runners and wide receivers who come in contact with the pigskin will be required to report to the team’s medical tent until they have been cleared by a team physician with a negative COVID test result.
League officials have a backup plan if too many players get infected: Hamster Ball football. Healthcare experts claim it’s an ideal way to keep players safe. Some are skeptical, arguing it might cause increased difficulty throwing or catching the ball.
Hand Sanitization
Players will be required to wash their hands after each down. To facilitate this and avoid delay of game penalties, all players will be provided with fanny packs pre-loaded with Purell dispensers and hand wipes.
Facemasking Penalty
This penalty has been redefined for the upcoming 2020-21 season. Henceforth, players will receive a facemasking penalty if they are found standing in the huddle – or on the sidelines – or in the locker room – or on the team flight home – without wearing an N95-approved facemask. This will be a league-imposed sanction requiring players to continue wearing an N95 facemask until the following game.
Sudden Death Overtime
If two teams are tied at the end of regulation, overtime will be handled differently this season. In order to reduce the risk of extended player-to-player exposure, the league will direct the coaches from both teams to compete at midfield in a head-to-head X-Box match-up of Madden NFL 20. The first video team to score will be declared the winner of that day’s contest, with the winning coach permitted to select one X-Box game player from the opposing team for their fantasy football league.
Locker Room Sterilization Measures
Locker rooms are super spreader environments for germs and bacteria. Therefore, as a precaution, all locker rooms will be permanently sealed up. This year, players will take turns standing naked on the artificial turf, as teammates spray them down with a garden hose and disinfectant.
Determining the League Champion
This season, league officials have decided to forego the Super Bowl for the first time in its history. Taking its place, the league champion will be determined by which team has the greatest number of uninfected players remaining at the end of the 16-game season – that is, assuming any team makes it that far.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
Life is stressful. So, I recently purchased a meditation CD. But I’m not sure it’s helping. Take a listen and tell me what you think.
For most of us, life is getting more complicated, faster-paced, and more stressful than ever. My suggestion: Slow down. Breathe in. And listen to a meditation CD. Just not the one that I recently bought.
Welcome to this audio relaxation program. Over the next 20 minutes, you will learn how to block out the worries and cares in your life. You will walk away feeling calm, with a renewed energy. Let’s begin. Take off your shoes and sit in a comfortable position. Close your eyes.
Now, take a deep breath in through your nose. As you do, notice how it feels a bit harder to breathe deeply than it used to. That may be because of your recent weight gain. Breathe out – through your mouth.
Let all the stress empty out of your body. Remind yourself that there is no point worrying about being woefully behind in your sales quota. Let it go. With just two weeks left in the quarter, you’ll never make it. Breathe in.
Begin to notice how the muscles in your shoulders and neck seem extremely tight. To release the tension, relax each muscle group. Flex your fingers and toes. Let them go completely limp. As you do this, clear your mind of anything that is weighing on you, especially this morning’s news that your son is flunking Algebra and English – and just about everything. Looks like he’ll be re-taking 9th grade. Breathe out.
Slowly raise your arms and legs, flexing each limb and then relaxing. Let all the stress flow out of your limbs, much like your retirement fund is flowing down the river after paying for the new roof that leaked after the storm of the century. It’s only money. You can’t take it with you. Breathe in.
Continue your progressive muscle relaxation and move to your core. Notice how tight your stomach is starting to feel. This is natural when visualizing your wife’s rage that you spent $800 on golf clubs instead of patching the roof before the rainstorm as she told you to do. Breathe out. Begin to visualize a happy place – far away from your wife. Perhaps a spring meadow filled with tulips and daffodils. Isn’t it beautiful? Now imagine how you will actually get to this peaceful meadow, given that your car’s engine is making that unsettling grinding noise. It could mean your transmission is about to go. Probably not. Forget I even mentioned it. Breathe in.
When you’re feeling stressed, think about your pet, Bongo. He never worries about ANYTHING. Try to be more like him. Don’t give a second thought to the priceless bedroom carpet he chewed to pieces last weekend. You wanted it replaced anyway, right? You’re a good dog, Bongo. Yes, you are!
Lie down on the floor. Give your arms and legs a good, long stretch. Let’s try another visualization. Imagine you’re on a sailboat that is taking you away to a tropical paradise. Feel the soft, warm spray of sea water on your face. Banish those recurring thoughts of the leaking roof you have to replace. And the $12,000 cost. Breathe out.
Picture an idyllic Caribbean island coming into view. Now imagine pulling up your sailboat on a white, sandy beach surrounded by palm trees gently swaying in the breeze. You are greeted by a throng of people, welcoming you to your own island paradise. Notice how familiar they look, all bearing an eerie resemblance to your company’s Board of Directors, to whom you will present your disappointing quarterly sales numbers in 45 minutes. Breathe in.
Now it’s time to return to your day. Begin to open your eyes slowly. By now you are feeling relaxed and rejuvenated – ready to face the world with a new sense of calm and serenity. Oh look. There’s an envelope on your desk. It appears to be from your credit card company. A bill for $8,400, which is roughly $8,300 more than you have in your checking account. Breathe out.
Notice how your heart is starting to pound more quickly. Become aware of the profuse sweat streaming down your brow. By now you may experience your stomach tying up in knots. This is perfectly normal. Just lie back down on the floor. Keep breathing. Curl up in the fetal position and contemplate that you have lost all concept of time. In fact, based on my calculations, there is no way you’ll ever make it back to the office in time for your sales presentation before the Board of Directors, which starts in 30 minutes. Thanks to the jackknifed 18-wheeler blocking three lanes of traffic on the interstate, you have a handy excuse.
And breathe out. This concludes this session of your meditation relaxation CD. Have a carefree day.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
As many of you know, I’m a nationally sought-after brand marketer, known for my ability to come up with memorable slogans. Remember the Nike slogan, Just Do It? Well, technically, I didn’t come up with it, but the slogan I proposed was eerily similar: For Pete’s Sake, Get Off Your Ass and Do Something For Once In Your Life. Apparently, Nike did not recognize my true genius when it was right in front of them – outside their corporate headquarters’ main entrance, trying to sneak past security, so I could pitch my idea.
It has come to my attention that President Trump’s campaign is struggling to come up with a new campaign slogan for his 2020 re-election bid. He can’t use Make America Great Again because, well, he’s already accomplished that task bigly.
The challenge for our very stable Genius-in-Chief is that under his historically successful watch, the economy has cratered, and now unemployment is hovering at near Great Depression levels – totally not Trump’s fault. Personally, I blame Obama.
He’s also facing a pandemic that has killed over 150,000 citizens – again totally not Trump’s fault – he was out golfing when it happened and couldn’t be interrupted. Everybody who doesn’t watch Fake News knows China alone caused our mess. And then there’s the tens of thousands of black (and white, young and old, straight and gay) terrorists who have been taking to the streets to protest and rudely interfere with our dear president’s patriotic attempt at a photo op.
I almost feel sorry for the guy, seeing him flail about, as all the fake news disasters mount daily. That’s why I’ve offered to help him create a slogan for his 2020 campaign. I have come up with several captivating slogan ideas I plan to pitch to God’s Chosen Leader if he will ever return my phone calls. I’m just getting started.
Trump 2020 – Re-elect Me and I’ll Set Melania Free
Trump 2020 – Leading Our Country to Greatness, One Rage Tweet at a Time
Trump 2020 – Because It’s Time We Finally Opened Up Our National Parks to Bear Hunting and Oil Drilling
Trump 2020 – People Who Say I’m a Divisive President are Big, Fat, Ugly Losers
Trump 2020 – I’m a Very Stable Genius – Just ask Hannity
Trump 2020 – Making America the World Leader in Global Warming (That’s a good thing, isn’t it, Jared?)
Trump 2020 – Because Only I Can Save You* (*The preceding claim applies to millionaires, billionaires, Fortune 500 CEO’s, and members of Mar-a-Lago)
Trump 2020 – I’m Putin America First
Trump 2020 – Erasing Obama’s Legacy One Executive Order at a Time
Trump 2020 – Because who are you going to believe, 10,000 newspapers, magazines, cable networks and your own eyes or ME?
Trump 2020 – Keeping Out Mexicans Since 2017
Trump 2020 – Any Screw-ups were Eric’s Fault.
Trump 2020 – There Was No Collusion – Vlad Will Back Me on This
Trump 2020 – EVERYBODY LOVES ME* (*limited exceptions include blacks, Hispanics, women, Muslims, gays, anyone from a NATO country, people who have actually met Donald Trump, pets, Mother Nature…)
Trump 2020 – America’s Best President Ever. Lincoln Was Overrated.
Trump 2020 – I Will Finish that Mexican Wall and Mexico WILL Pay For It (or the American Taxpayers will, if Mexico won’t agree to my demands)
Trump 2020 – Space Force Was My Idea
Trump 2020 – Nobody Humps the Flag Like Me
Trump 2020 – Draining the Swamp (and filling it with Betsy DeVos, William Barr, …)
Trump 2020 – Only I Can Bring Our Country Together – Like I Did in Charlottesville
Trump 2020 – I Know More Than The Generals (That’s Why I Fired Them All and Replaced Them with a Colonel Sanders Impersonator)
Trump 2020 – I Stood Up to North Korea (and in the Process Fell In Love with Little Rocket Man)
Trump 2020 – I’m the Least Racist President In History. Negroes Love Me, Just Ask Kanye
Trump 2020 – I’m The Smartest Person You’ll Ever Meet (But If You attempt to Obtain My High School or College Transcripts, I’ll Sue You)
Trump 2020 – People May Love Fauci More Than Me, But I Can Fire Him at Any Moment
Trump 2020 – I Have the Longest Attention Spa – Hey, Look. It’s Ivanka
Trump 2020 – LAW & ORDER (describes a TV show, not my administration)
Trump 2020 – The First President to Almost Buy Greenland
Trump 2020 – It Took Me Just 12 Months to Unite All the NATO Nations (against me)
Trump 2020 – When It Comes to COVID-19, Two Words: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Trump 2020 – Only I Can Protect You from Cancer-Causing Windmills
Trump 2020 – I Aced the Memory Test: “Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV” – The Doctors Couldn’t Believe It!
Trump 2020 – Creating (and Destroying) the Greatest Economy in History
Trump 2020 – I SUPPORT NATO (Not Another Term, Okay?)
Trump 2020 – People are Dying to Re-elect Me
Trump 2020 – Vote for Me. Help Me Avoid Prison.
Trump 2020 – He May Be a Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath, But He’s Also an Idiot
Trump 2020 – The Buck Stops at Hillary
Trump 2020 – Because Great Leaders Inspect Bunkers During a Crisis
Trump 2020 – Tear Gassing Americans for Jesus!
Trump 2020 – Thanks to 150,000 Fewer People Left, My Unemployment Numbers Are Looking Up
Trump 2020 – What More Do You Have to Lose?
Trump 2020 – When Times Get Tough, The Tough Get Golfing
Trump 2024 – It’s Not Safe to Vote Right Now. So, I’m Postponing the Election for Four More Years
Make America Great Again…Vote for My Opponent!
Offer your own suggested slogans in the Comments section and help Make This Blog Great Again.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
Lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping. My doctor thinks I may be in denial about being a horrible person, or that I refuse to confront how I’ve totally wasted my life. I think my doctor is getting a 1-star review on Yelp.
Recently, events in my life have eerily paralleled the story line from that classic film, Sleepless in Seattle, starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. How? Well, for starters, I’ve lived in the greater Seattle area for the past 30 years. Second, I’ve been having difficulty sleeping lately. And third, I have been told I resemble Tom Hanks (particularly by people who have never seen him). Hence the premise for this week’s column.
For the past several weeks, I’ve had maybe two hours of fitful ZZZ time per night. It’s starting to make me cranky. Several friends have offered less than helpful theories to explain my sleep-deprived predicament. Perhaps, said one, I’m feeling pangs of regret over decades of egregious parenting failures. Or maybe I’m riding a sugar high from binging on Pop Tarts and Mountain Dew right before bedtime.
One person posited that my insomnia may be due to anxiety from watching news coverage 24/7. I say I’d only be watching news 24/16 if I could sleep. Yet another “expert” speculated that my tossing and turning might be me practicing maneuvers for eluding the thugs who are after me for my gambling debts. Please don’t tell my wife that I blew our life savings at the Emerald Queen Casino.
Those are all excellent – albeit wildly erroneous – explanations for my nocturnal insomnolence. The real cause is that I had knee replacement surgery for the second time in four months and am struggling with RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome). RLS is a common side effect of major knee surgery. It’s characterized by an irresistible urge to move one’s legs in a futile attempt to find a comfortable position. It occurs typically at nighttime and has many manifestations: twitching, thrashing, and knocking all the covers to the floor.
It can take a significant toll on loved ones as the sufferer may body-slam his bed partner in the chest, or in a knee-jerk motion, propel the cats off the bed up toward the rotating ceiling fan. It is thus suggested one keep the fan on low speed. The subsequent shunning by wife – and cats – can have the far-reaching mental health consequences of rejection, abandonment, and loneliness. My legs have therefore been designated as clear and present dangers to others.
Some evenings it’s so bad that I’m not sure if my problem is RLS or a frenetic case of the Harlem Shakes. Most nights I have to get up four or five times – and not just to pee. I pace around the bedroom, the living room, even the garage, in a fruitless attempt to quiet my legs. It hasn’t worked, but on the positive side, these wee hour wanderings have enabled me to hit my daily Fitbit goal of 10,000 steps on several nights.
Thanks to caring friends – and a few idiots – I have a plethora of tactics to try to help me sleep. Here are just a few of those suggestions:
Practice meditation before bedtime.
This particular evening I couldn’t sleep at all. On the Other hand, my cat Chompers was blissfully unaware of my distress as he contentedly dozed off like a hibernating bear, sleeping peacefully on my face.
Download an ambient noise app of soothing sounds, like crashing waves, a crackling campfire, or a dentist’s drill. (I’m wondering about this last sound, as it barely helped me relax).
A warm cup of milk.
No sugar after 1pm (you lost me at “1pm”, buddy).
Smoke a cigarette. (I guess it’s never too late to take up a new habit. Does vaping count?)
Listen to bacon frying (didn’t achieve sleep but thanks to this tip, I’ve gained five pounds).
Hum like a bee. Using live bees is not recommended.
Listen to a podcast on Mastering Excel.
Do not drink alcohol before bedtime (since I don’t drink, this one should be easy).
Have a glass of wine before bedtime.
Then there is the always welcome, “Don’t try to fall asleep. Just let it happen.” Um, thanks for the vapid, clichéd platitude.
I’ve tried prescription sleeping meds to no avail. One of them apparently can induce sleep walking, or worse yet, sleep driving (yikes!). I bailed on that one, lest I get pulled over for driving without a license – or pants. The other sleep prescriptions were as effective in bringing on sleep as Flintstone vitamins are at dissolving a brain tumor.
So far, nothing has worked. I’m at my wits end – and my wife is sleeping at a neighbor’s. But I have a buddy who guarantees he has the cure-all that will send me to Slumberland: Hop in bed, drink a fifth of Tequila and watch Weekend at Bernie’s, wearing nothing but bunny slippers. In full disclosure, he also swears that drinking a fifth of Bourbon will cure male pattern baldness. So he’s missing a few screws – at this point, what have I got to lose? I’ll keep you posted.
Good news just in: My doctor assures me that my RSL is a temporary condition which should dissipate over time. The bad news is “over time” according to my doctor could be anywhere from two weeks till shortly after my untimely death due to sleep deprivation.
Whoa! I suddenly feel really drowsy. It just hit me as I was typing the last paragraph. My eyes are so heavy. I can barely keep my head up. I better lie down for a minute before I fall asleep at the keyboar$#%$J@E)%Nda&%#Dfw)@$#3en48093abutcp………………………..
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off baaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzz…
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
Once upon a time, a long time ago, while I was watching prime time TV, I started thinking about the notion of time. I had some spare time, and it was Teatime, so I grabbed some Earl Grey, set the timer, and pondered. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up from my naptime, it occurred to me that life is a race against time.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
