[The following is political satire and not necessarily the news.]
OANN is the first major conservative news media outlet to report on President Trump’s flawless speech at his Jan 6th DC STOP THE STEAL rally where he urged his fervent supporters to break into the Capitol and force VP Pence to certify the election for him – but do it in a polite, orderly, non-violent, totally legal fashion.
In looking back over Donald Trump’s tumultuous final 2 & 1/2 months in office, the storm of chaotic tweets, rallies and related events only intensified, as the countdown clock ticked down the final days and hours of his historically scandal-plagued presidency.
But you might not know that, based on how some of the rightwing news media outlets covered these same events.
Here are some of the more notable “breaking news” events of the final weeks of the Trump Administration, as captured by headlines from the mainstream media – and by some on the far right.
November 3, 2020 – Election night in America
The New York Times: Trump Leads in Early Tallies; Biden Closing Gap as Mail-in Ballots are Counted.
The Washington Post: Too Close to Call. Trump’s Election Night Lead Dwindling
Fox News: Trump Wins in Historic Landslide. Biden on Suicide Watch After Humiliating Defeat
Breitbart: If You Don’t Count Blue States, Trump Delivers Biden Crushing Defeat
November 7, 2020 – the day the presidential election is officially called for Biden
Politico: JOE BIDEN DECLARED 46th PRESIDENT OF USA
CNN: BIDEN WINS, 306 to 272 Electoral Votes; Wins 7 Million More Votes Than Trump
Info Wars: Joe Biden Continues to Deny He Held Under-Age Girls as Sex Slaves in his Wilmington Duplex
December 12, 2020 – the day Trump’s STOP THE STEAL rally in DC erupted in chaos and injuries
Fox News Trump, having successfully completed his historic 4-year plan to Make America Great Again, will take time off from his presidential duties for some down time. But he promises to get right back to work as your president after a brief 4-year golfing sabbatical.
NPR: 4 Stabbed, 33 Arrested After Trump Supporters, Counter-Protesters Clash In D.C.
ABC News: Violent clashes between pro-Trump protesters and Black Lives Matter supporters as Trump Rally Goes Off the Rails
One America News Network (OANN): Antifa Black Lives Matter Protestors Mar Peaceful Trump Rally by Jumping in Front of Trump Supporters’ Knives, Assault Rifles, and Mace
Rush Limbaugh: God Told Me in a Dream That Anyone Who Opposes Trump Will Burn Forever in Hell
January 2, 2021 – the day Trump called the Georgia Secretary of State to pressure him to find him 11,780 votes
The Wall Street Journal: Trump, in Recorded Call, Pressures Georgia Sec. of State to ‘Find’ Him Votes
The Atlanta Journal Constitution: Trump, in Taped Call, Pressured Georgia Official to Find Votes to Overturn Election
The Drudge Report: Georgia Sec. of State Offers Trump 11,780 Votes. Offended, Trump Politely Declines
Fox News: Tennessee Woman Fosters 100 Cats; Neighbors Consider Her a Saint
January 6, 2021 – the day Congress convened to certify the election results, which was marred when fanatical Trump supporters stormed the Capitol building
CNN: Incited by the President, Pro-Trump Rioters Violently Storm the Capitol
Reuters: Trump Supporters Storm the Capitol to Attack Democracy
Newsmax: Breaking News: Eating Apple Pie Can Help You Lose Weight
Hannity Radio: Alaska Jogger Smashes Ice to Rescue Dog, Then Continues His Run
January 8, 2021 – the day Twitter permanently banned Trump from its social media platform
The New York Times: Twitter Permanently Bans Trump, Capping Online Revolt
USA Today: Twitter Bans Trump’s Account, Citing Risk of Further Violence
OANN: Trump Quits Twitter to Protest Media Bias. “I’ll never be back,” He Defiantly Proclaims!
The Daily Caller: Trump Bails on Twitter to Launch a Competitor. Twitter Loses 90% of Its Users in 4 Hours.
January 13, 2021 – the day the House of Representatives impeached Trump for a second time
Newsmax’ Top Story for January 20, 2021: Mrs. Gladys McCloskey of Brattleboro, VT is the grand prize winner in the Wyndham County Quilting Fair. She wins for the third time in five years. Way to go, Gladys.
The Los Angeles Times: House, With Some G.O.P. Support, Votes to Impeach Trump a Historic Second Time
The Huffington Post: President Trump Becomes First President Ever to be Impeached Twice
Fox News: Breaking News: Hillary Clinton’s Emails Finally Prove She’s the Anti-Christ
Epoch Times: New Poll Shows 79 Million Americans Want to Ban Congress Permanently
January 20, 2021 – the day Joe Biden was inaugurated as our 46th President
US News & World Report: Joe Biden Becomes 46th President Amidst Grave Threats of Further Violence
The Atlantic: IT’S OFFICIAL. BIDEN IS 46th PRESIDENT!
Newsmax: Trump Announces Plans for a Four-Year Hiatus to Rest Up for Historic Second Term
The Glenn Beck Program: Trump Shocks World by Voluntarily Leaving White House, Calling it a Dump; Plans to Move to a Much Classier Residence(just as soon as he can find a country without an extradition treaty with the USA)
It appears I have been missing out on several important news stories that the mainstream media simply refuses to report.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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Look at all these happy, successful, well-adjusted people. Makes you feel a tad inadequate, right? But you have a basement apartment and live alone with Chester, your parakeet. I’m certain none of them has that. So who’s the real winner in this story?
In our technological world, nonstop streams of tweets, Instagram photos, Facebook posts, and texts bombard us by the minute – unless you’re Amish. As a result, we non-Amish folk are exposed to an onslaught of messages reminding us we’re not good enough, not attractive enough, or not successful enough – or all of the above, like my shiftless, irresponsible nephew Axel, who wins the trifecta. Alas, we live in an increasingly superficial world.
Most people can’t live up to the impossible standards imposed by TV and online ads with perfectly proportioned people telling us how to become slimmer, earn more money, and save up to 15% on our car insurance.
My advice: STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHER PEOPLE. You are as good as anybody else in this world (except, of course, George Clooney or Scarlett Johansson). It would also be foolhardy to compare yourself to an incredible success story like me. You might be surprised to learn that I’m a nationally sought-after expert on how to lead a happy, successful and emotionally fulfilling life. (That’s because it is a lie. I do tend to lie a lot, but in my defense, I only do this when I’m conscious.) I have written countless books on leading an effective life, including such titles as YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE – Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time, and …, um, well, okay, just that one book, actually.
Let’s look at some common areas where people yearn to keep up with, and surpass, the Joneses – or at least this Jones.
Wealth: Why is everybody obsessed with being rich? Experts like me agree that lasting happiness can’t be measured by one’s net worth. It’s about being present each day and enjoying the small pleasures in life, like a walk in a park, reading a good book, or taking a month-long Mediterranean cruise in a first-class cabin. Look at that ostentatious Maserati in your cavernous three-car garage. You’re not fooling anybody. That man toy isn’t going to bring you long-term joy. Let me take it off your hands, so you can plant a garden instead. There’s nothing more heavenly than plunging your hands into the rich earth (unless you consider driving a Maserati – that’s Heaven).
It is perfectly natural to envy people who seem to have it all. Take this couple. They are rich beyond your wildest dreams, own five houses, and spend their winters on Mykonos. Two weeks after this photo was taken, she caught him cheating and ran over him in her Bentley. He’s dead. She’s in prison. So, the story has a happy ending.
Career Success: I remember as a twenty-something always trying to impress my work colleagues. I was determined to claw my way over those co-workers to scale the corporate ladder of success. Then I became a dad and realized the true meaning of success: making sure my two toddler daughters didn’t claw their way over each other and accidentally kill their sibling.
So what if you never make it to VP, with a corner office on the 27th floor? Based on your 2.0 college GPA and your series of odd jobs arranged by your uncle, it’s amazing you landed that job at Dunkin’ Donuts. Don’t fret that you might be a disappointment to your parents – that’s a given. In my book you’re a superstar, buddy.
Physical Beauty: Stop what you’re doing and go look in the bathroom mirror. What do you see? No, I’m not talking about that zit that wasn’t there yesterday. Look at the face staring back at you. Look deep within those eyes. Even if you’re not technically “attractive” or you’re just “average looking” or even “mildly repulsive,” my point is that real beauty is on the inside.
The only people who care about your external appearance are members of the opposite sex, your own sex, potential employers, and anyone with a vowel in their name. Personally, I like you just the way you are – but I would suggest trimming your beard. You’re starting to look like a Duck Dynasty dude. And consider covering up that “I Love MY Mom” tattoo; a nice sentiment, but not a winner with the ladies.
Creative Talent: My wife is an annoyingly talented artist, having been commissioned to paint the official portraits of governors, symphony conductors, and Pentagon officials. Next to her, it would be easy for me to feel insecure about my own artistic capabilities. That’s because the most creative artwork I ever produced was a clay bear in first grade – but in hindsight it does kind of look a toaster. No wonder my teacher used it as a door stop.
Do these peoples’ chiseled bodies make you feel bad about your own physique? Don’t fret. They were born that way. So how can you feel better about your paunch? No clue. Nope, I got nothing.
Furthermore, I live on an island of exceptional people, Take Jack down the road who makes violins by hand. Or the O’Shea’s who built their own home using nothing but debris they found lying on the beach. Perhaps driftwood wasn’t the most sound choice of building materials, but you get my drift.
My point is that we all have our own creative gifts if we look hard enough. For example, scrunching up your laundered clothes rather than the traditional folding represents a free and uninhibited spirit. Or how about the innovative way you’ve let your dirty dishes stack up for the past three weeks. Very Jackson Pollock. And pungent.
Popularity: Everybody wants to be liked. It’s only human. I’ve been wanting my kids to like me since 2003. But sometimes we have to stop worrying about the opinion of others and ask ourselves, “Do I like myself?” In the end, isn’t that what really matters?
Who cares how many Facebook friends you have? (For the record, I have 5,857.) Or your number of Twitter followers (4,242). It doesn’t matter. This isn’t a competition (though good luck topping my numbers). I would rather have one close friend than 500 casual acquaintances – unless one of those acquaintances could introduce me to Scarlett Johansson, in which case, Adios, Amigo.
In the grand scheme of things, it comes down to this: Before you try to get others to love you, start by learning to love yourself. And if your life is such a mess that you simply can’t love yourself (I‘m looking at you, nephew Axel), don’t worry. Just get a dog. He’ll unconditionally love you more than your parents ever did.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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Top Row (L to R): My mom, my older brothers Bob and John; Second Row: My sister Betsy, Bill Anderson, Steve Fisher; Third Row: Dale Willman, Mark Gravel, Tim Fletcher Bottom Row: My elder daughter Rachel, my younger daughter Emily, and my wife and soulmate, Michele
Growing up, I had many dedicated teachers. A decades-belated thank you to Mrs. Perkins (4th grade), Mr. Nash (English), and General Verbeck (biology), and Mr. Vandenberg (Latin I, 2 and, thanks to my friend Steve Fisher, who knows what he did, Latin 3). My learning, however, did not end with my formal education. I have been blessed to have had many capable managers and mentors throughout my career. Thank you, Alan Horton, Jerry Parichy, Valerie Sanford, Chris Noble, and Cynthia Clay, to name a few.
As I look back over the past 65 years, I realize that some of the most impactful educators I’ve had have been family members and friends. There are twelve individuals who stand out as the most influential teachers in my life. This week’s column is about them.
My mom, Betty Clark (she remarried). At one month shy of turning 100 years old, she is, amazingly, still with us. A WW II veteran and mother of five, she endured a difficult marriage to a husband who suffered from serious, untreated mental illness and chronic anger management issues. She had the courage to leave this situation in an era when women did not seek divorce. Having not worked outside the home in 28 years, she set out to get a job and became a dietician at the VA. She reclaimed life by traveling to many countries, her favorite being Israel. Now in a nursing home, she rallies on, showing all around her that she still has a wit. She is always game for a good laugh – just check out her photo above, taken at age 97. People ask me, “Tim, why is it that you smile so much?” That’s simple. Thanks, mom.
Bob Jones. Our nine year age gap kept me from getting to know my oldest brother when I was young. But as I entered my career, we became re-acquainted by discussing career and life challenges. Bob became a “big brother” mentor to me and taught me the importance of understanding myself and my impact on others. From Bob, I learned to look for the positive in situations and people. As a result, throughout my career, I posted on my wall these words: “Catch them doing something right.”
John Jones. My second oldest brother, five years my senior, John was the All-American boy. Growing up, he was my role model. I wanted to be just like him. I still do. He is modest to a fault and has always been the rock of our family. When there was a crisis, John was the steady hand willing to intervene to calm the waters. Over time, I have come to appreciate how kind and caring a person John is – and funny. And he taught me to love sports and playing board games – I can’t forget about that!
Betsy Jones. I could write a book about my younger sister. She has been the editor of my blog these past 11 years. (I’ll be curious to see how she edits this description of her.) When we were little, because we were the two youngest, we became very close. She is the historian of my childhood, with a memory of details I had long forgotten. Nobody I know has endured more hardship and heartbreak than my sister. But every time she has been knocked down, she gets back up. Betsy is the most resilient person I have ever known – and one of funniest. She has an expanding universe of friends because like me, they see in her one of the most giving, selfless people you will ever find. [No edits. Thanks – Your editor]
Bill Anderson. If you want to know why I sometimes (okay, usually) act like an 11-year-old, blame Bill. Bill is my oldest friend. We met in 4th grade because our dads were best friends. For the past five decades, Bill has reminded me of the importance of staying young at heart and not taking life too seriously. When we get together, we revert to high schoolers. Bill is a person of deep faith, and one of the most high-integrity people I have ever known. He has taught me, better than just about anyone else, the importance of working to maintain a close friendship, despite the physical distance between us most of our lives.
Steve Fisher. Some may ask where I developed my warped sense of humor. Look no further. Steve is the funniest person I have ever met. I launched this humor blog, in part, to honor him for teaching me how to make others laugh. We met in 7th grade and he has kept me howling with laughter ever since. Steve also taught me the meaning of courage. Ten years ago, he almost died from a devastating illness that left him with life-altering physical injuries. But through it all, he has demonstrated enormous courage and self-deprecating humor. Steve is my hero.
Dale Willman. Dale and I met early in our modeling careers. Yes, we were models, for a one-off fashion shoot, hired by a mutual friend, for reasons neither of us will ever understand. Shortly after we met, my father died quite unexpectedly. Dale responded in a way that sealed our lifelong friendship: he came to the funeral. He turned out to be an unexpected source of strength that I leaned on in my time of grief. A journalist, Dale has worked and taught all over the world, and instilled in me the value of broadening my worldview. Like me, Dale has a small teddy bear called Grumpy that he takes to exotic places, although only my Grumpy has been to the North Pole (get over it, Dale).
Mark Gravel. I worked in the newspaper industry for 9 years and there is only one person I keep in touch with from that era: Mark. In addition to possessing a wickedly sharp sense of humor (he has co-written several of my humor articles), Mark loves doing surprises and practical jokes. But even more importantly, Mark exudes a genuineness, a kindness, and a deep desire to put the needs of others before himself. In the dictionary under the word “Gentleman” there should be a picture of Mark, for he truly is just that – even if he is Canadian, like my wife.
Tim Fletcher. I have always admired Tim’s first name. But beyond that, my soft-spoken friend is a remarkable dad. We became friends while working at an internet startup, When I was struggling with trying to unlock the mysteries of parenting my then teenage daughters, Tim repeatedly provided an understanding ear and wise counsel to help me become a better dad. For several years, Tim has grappled with a serious illness. But through it all, he has accepted his physical limitations with positivity, grace, and a stubborn refusal to be blocked from pursuing a full life.
My daughter Rachel. From a young age, my elder daughter has demonstrated a strong independent streak. I will always remember when at four years of age, as I tried to help her, she insisted, “I do it myself, Daddy.” She became extremely self-reliant and responsible far beyond her age. Her sense of determination and her work ethic astound me, be it on the soccer field or pursuing her passion of becoming a nurse. Now 26 and a cardiology nurse, Rachel has matured into a confident, hardworking adult. Most inspiring is her deeply caring heart, for her patients, her family, and her cats (not sure in which order). She teaches me all the time what it means to put the needs of others before one’s own.
My daughter Emily. When she was a teenager, she and her sister taught me the importance of patience in parenting. At 4’11” tall, Em has always been the shortest person in any group photo. But she’s never let that stop her from pursuing the highest of goals in life, and with a passion. She is fearless and doesn’t let obstacles deter her from her dreams. Extremely smart and resourceful, in college she once asked me, “Dad, do you know anybody at Space X?” Of course, I didn’t. Two days later, using just LinkedIn, she corralled an interview. A week later, Space X hired her in their elite intern program. Over the years, she has amazed me with her giving heart, often surprising my wife and me with the most extraordinary gifts out of the blue (including my very cool Space X shirt.)
My wife Michele. When we said our wedding vows, I told her, “I want to grow old with you.” Those words ring just as true 33 years later. I am proud of everything she has achieved with her art. She has helped to push me outside my comfort zone to try new things (even fish). A voracious reader, she has educated me about other cultures, history, and science. It was Michele who suggested we pursue international adoption. She had the idea for us to move to an island I had never heard of. And whatever I learned about being a caring, patient parent, I learned in great part from my best friend’s example. Our daughters could not have asked for a better mom. It has been a privilege and a joy to be growing old – that is, older – with my wife, Michele.
I have had many truly wonderful friends throughout my life, including many people who space constraints simply don’t permit me to mention. As I get older, I’ve learned that true wealth is measured not by the size of one’s bank account but by the number of meaningful friendships we have in life. On this scale, I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams. I owe a debt of gratitude I’ll never be able to repay to these twelve funny, kind, extraordinary teachers, and to others not mentioned (due to witness protection constraints). Thank you all.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
[Author’s note:] Since 2015, I have written over 25 articles about Donald Trump alone. Click here, then under Index of Topics, find Trumpto peruse these posts. It is my deepest hope to no longer feel compelled to compose about this man. He has taken up far too much real estate in my brain for the past four years. – TEJ]
Now that President Trump has lost the election, View from the Bleachers has gained exclusive access to the official transcript of his termination interview with his boss, the American People.
The American People: Good afternoon, Mr. President. Please take a seat. We feel badly about this, but, well, our country has decided to let you go. Your final day of employment will be January 20th.
Donald Trump: Why are we even having this meeting? I clearly won the election. Everybody knows that.
People: We’ve been through this many times. As we have repeatedly told you, you did not win. Mr. Biden did.
Trump: FAKE NEWS! Everybody knows the election was rigged. If you don’t count all the people who illegally voted by mail, I won in a landslide – the biggest in history.
People: Sir, you’re getting worked up again. Would you like a bucket of KFQ to calm your nerves? Maybe a kitten?
Trump: They stole the election from me! It’s so unfair. With help from that thug Hugo Chavez and his Venezuelan voting machines, and Cuba and China and Spain and –
People: Spain? That’s a new one. FYI, Mr. Chavez died in 2013. Besides, all the states have certified that the voting was fair. In fact, even the Department of Homeland Security says it was the most secure election in our nation’s history.
Trump: Well, the folks at Homeland Security were in on it, too. They allowed anybody to vote, even Democrats and blacks. So unfair. It’s all a hoax. Just ask all my Q-Anon followers on Twitter.
People: Donald, you cannot keep cycling through this ad nauseum – and it IS nauseating. We see that you’ve already posted seven rage tweets since this interview began. You really need to find a healthier outlet. Have you considered adult coloring books? They can be very relaxing.
Trump: Adult? Sure, I’ll grab a few. And some of these Sharpies, and my Oval Office stapler, too.
People: Donald, stop stuffing your pockets! Technically, these items belong to us. Put them back.
Trump: All of this belongs to me, including this building. I won it fair and square in 2016 – without any help from Vlad.
People: Still fixated on 2016, are we? Perhaps we were not clear enough at the outset of this meeting. We are letting you go. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you – AND WE – can move on.
Trump: You can’t fire me. I’m the only person who gets to say, “YOU’RE FIRED!”
People: As to that, we have reviewed your job performance extensively. The data doesn’t justify keeping you on any longer. You’re simply not up to the job. The nation’s unemployment numbers are surging, the deficit is skyrocketing, all our allies are furious with you, and the COVID pandemic is spiraling out of control.
Trump: You mean the China Flu. Blame China. Totally not my fault.
People: Plus, we’ve received numerous anonymous complaints from your employees. They describe you as utterly incompetent. And that’s the most positive comment we’ve read.
Trump: Total radical leftist propaganda. Everybody who works here loves me – even the ugly ones. They all tell me I’m the greatest, handsomest, most stable genius president in history.
People: Well, the feedback from your subordinates says otherwise. They say you’re racist, foul-tempered, misogynist, corrupt, narcissistic, lazy, unwilling to read, and impulsive. They go on to say you’re divisive, mean-spirited, vindictive with no attention span – Donald, are you even listening? Stop playing with your Trump superhero action figure and focus.
Trump: Those people, they’re are all losers – just like soldiers. I should have fired all of them the moment I hired them.
People: Mr. President, it’s clear you simply haven’t taken this job seriously. Most days you simply stay in your bedroom watching TV until well past noon. Our records indicate you have averaged over 30 lies per day. No other president has ever lied as incessantly as you. Furthermore, you spent over 300 days just golfing. Far over par. No other modern president comes close.
Trump: So, you’re saying I’m a high achiever. Finally, we agree on something. Most of those golf outings were charity tournaments.
People: We fact-checked that. Those “charity tournaments” you played in were to raise money for Trump University.
Trump: A great institution. Way better than Harvard. The Ivy League schools are all overrated.
People: Donald, we’re getting off track. Are there any Presidential decisions you made for which you wish you could have, to use a golf metaphor, a Mulligan? A do-over?
Trump: Like you said – my decisions were all presidential. A perfect presidency. Oh, wait. Picking Pence for my VEEP was ill-advised. Stupid advisors. I should’ve gone with Kristi.
People: Kristi Noem, the Governor of South Dakota? Why?
Trump: First, she adores me. Second, have you seen her? She’s a 10. Smokin’ hot bod. I bet I could have gotten her into the sack.
People: Eew. Any other regrets? How about how you separated Mexican children from their parents and put them in cages? Don’t you have even the slightest pang of guilt around that debacle?
Trump: Not my fault. If Nancy Pelosi and her gang of Congressional Communists had just let me build my wall in the first place, none of this would have happened. So, it’s totally Nancy’s fault – and Hillary’s. They are two NASTY women.
People: How about your handling of the Coronavirus pandemic? Over a quarter million people have died, even though you kept saying it would magically go away and that we were always turning the corner.
Trump: Hey – I got through it fine. It was no biggie. If a quarter million morons can’t handle the common flu, that’s on them. But Sleepy Joe totally dropped the ball. He did nothing these past 11 months to stop the spread.
People: He wasn’t the president, Donald. You were! This is one of the many reasons why we decided to let you go.
Trump: Says who? I’ll decide when I go. Besides, I packed the Supreme Court with my justices. They owe me. So, I’m pretty sure I’m here to stay. “12 MORE YEARS. 12 MORE YEARS!”
People: No. Like we said, your termination is effective January 20, 2021. On that date, you must evacuate the premises. President-Elect Joe Biden will be sworn in as the 46th president. This is not up to you.
Trump preparing to board Marine One for the final time, after getting fired by the American People. The reasons given for his abrupt termination were many, but boiled down to this: “We (the American people) think you’d be happier selling condos, Donald.”
Trump: Fine. I’ll go. I’ll just put Jared and Ivanka in charge. They’ll do whatever I tell them to.
People: Donald, we don’t think you understand. We are evicting you – and your entire team, including Jared and Ivanka. You can move back to Mar-a-Lago. But you can’t stay here.
Trump: Well, in that case, I’m taking a few things with me. Because I was told that I get to keep them.
People: Uh, no, you cannot take that bust of Lincoln. Or the Resolute Desk. They belong to the people of the United States.
Trump: I carved my initials in the desk, so legally it’s mine now. And that lamp. And this toaster… and this set of steak knives…. and…
People: Oh, dear….. Security? Send a Secret Service detail to the Oval Office stat. We appear to have a bit of a problem.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
I recently launched my own YouTube channel. It will be a smashing success, just as soon as I convince Oprah to endorse it and Elon Musk to invest in it – or buy me out for $3 billion.
Recently I launched my very own YouTube channel. Why did I decide at the age of 65 to undertake such a daunting new challenge? Simple: I’m an idiot. To fully understand why I did this, I need to go back eleven years, to 2009. That’s when, on an otherwise uneventful August day, I did something unbelievably reckless: I listened to my wife.
She suggested I write a humor blog. Being an obedient husband, I did just that. 11 years, 450 articles and a few thousand frosted cinnamon pop tarts later, I’m still writing. I’d have been a millionaire by now, if only someone had offered me a million bucks – to stop writing. But no one did, so I’m still at it.
Not sure what my point was. Oh right, never listen to my wife. A few months ago, she had another brainstorm: “Hey, honey? Why don’t you start your own YouTube channel? Bring your favorite humor articles to life.” Being a slow learner, I did just that.
I spent sleepless nights pondering a name for my channel. I decided on – now this may surprise you – View from the Bleachers. Having perused the nearly 60 million YouTube channels out there, I noticed there is a serious shortage of juvenile humor content. I figured I’m just the person to fill this void.
This venture has made me a wiser man and I feel it incumbent upon me to share that wisdom. First, if you are even remotely toying with the notion of starting a YouTube channel, DON’T DO IT! If you are a glutton for nitpicking, critical feedback and flame comments from strangers who are easily offended about everything, then sure, go for it. However, to retain any shred of self-esteem, I recommend stamp collecting as a hobby instead.
If you’re still intent on pursuing your own YouTube channel, there are a few tidbits you need to attend to as you embark on your journey toward fame and fortune… and eventual disappointment and despair.
Now that you’ve crystalized your message to the world, it’s time to blow your savings on the rudimentary gear needed to produce your incredibly fascinating video series on the history of Paper Mache. You need: a high-def camera, large green screen background, quality lighting and stands, lavalier microphone (a must-have), tele-prompter device (to scroll the script), video editing software program, an agent to promote you, an accountant to launder your vast earnings in the Caymans, and an attorney in case you get sued for copyright infringement.
This is my recording studio. I’ve taken over our guest room. Can you tell what’s missing? You guessed it: a cat. Also, any chance of success with such a cutting-edge set.
Step Three: Ask Friends for Input
Accept that you’ll no doubt make several rookie mistakes, like not noticing that your cat was licking its privates in the background through the entire shoot. Invite your friends to give feedback on initial test videos – on what works and what doesn’t. They’ll have no trouble with the latter, offering helpful advice, like, “Slow it down, dude! I can’t understand a word – not that I’m really interested” and “The lighting is way too dim. I can’t see your face – but your bald spot shines through” and “Do you have the slightest idea what the hell you’re doing?”
Step Four: Find New Friends
You’ll soon learn that everyone’s a critic and nothing you create measures up to your friends’ high standards. The most encouraging suggestions I’ve received so far have been: “We can’t all be winners” and “I’m sure you can find a buyer on eBay for all that equipment you blew your money on.” Who needs friends like these? Best to say adios to these dream killers. There are scores of folks eager to friend you on Facebook. Just don’t discuss politics. Trust me.
Step Five: Find a Video Editor
Creating a humor video is 20% humor writing and 80% technical wizardry. I already had a ton of content from my eleven years of writing. All I had to do was read it with some flair, right? Wrong. There is recording (1 hour), editing a five-minute video (five hours), removing all my verbal stumbles (3 more hours on a good take), locating background images, choosing theme music, and honing my acting skills. When it was all done, I noticed I had forgotten to wear pants. I needed a lot of help (in more ways than one).
There are services that will connect you with independent video editors who can do everything you need for incredibly reasonable prices. I found a very capable video editor in Pakistan. Oh, to be sure, he doesn’t understand English, and I can’t speak a word of Urdu, and all my videos end up running in reverse order. But he charges a very fair rate. And he says if I ever make it to Pakistan, he’ll let me ride his camel.
There are literally thousands of videos like this one, promising to reveal the hidden secrets to make your YouTube channel a success. All you need are some web tools to improve your keyword selection, creative social media strategies, and Stephen Colbert to host all your videos.
Step Six: Learn How to Maximize Traffic
What good is having your own YouTube channel if nobody knows it exists? That’s why you should google topics like “What was I thinking starting a YouTube channel?” There you’ll find helpful tutorials explaining the 5,000 critical tasks guaranteed to propel your channel to the top 25 million most watched.
You have to learn about keyword maximization, search engine optimization, meta tags, and much more. Thankfully, there are tons of free tools out there to help build traffic to your new channel, just as soon as you upgrade to their Pro version for only $15 / month, or better still, the Platinum package for just $49.95 / month.
There are about 379 more steps, give or take, to optimize your channel’s one-in-a-million chances of going viral. Personally, I suggest just doing all your YouTube videos in the nude – especially if you’re Scarlett Johansson. I’m confident your channel will be trending in no time.
As for me, I’m committed to doing whatever it takes to make my new YouTube channel a tremendous success – unless someone wants to offer me $500 today to walk away. No reasonable offer will be refused.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
