Experts in ancient Mayan culture have been prophesizing the world will come to a cataclysmic end in 2012. They base this on detailed interpretations of the ancient Mayan calendar. Thanks to President Obama’s shocking revelation last week that he supports the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, these scholars now are even more convinced the Mayans were probably right, arguing we’re in the final days before Homoggedon.

In what appears to be a historic epidemic of tolerance, a growing fringe of America-haters is promoting the rights of gays to marry. Fortunately, this wildly unpopular viewpoint is shared by less than 54% of Americans. An overwhelming 47% of Americans still think marriage should only be between a man and a woman, while 52% believe Obama is a Muslim (according to a recent poll of Republicans in Mississippi).

Christian conservatives now believe that the President’s coming out of the closet in support of gay marriage is conclusive proof that Obama is the Antichrist. There is plenty of support for this contention, including Reverend Pat Naromynde, pastor of the Shepherd of the Valley Pentecostal Church in Turtle Hollow, Tennessee. “What is this world comin’ to?”, said Naromynde. “First they let blacks marry our white women. Then they let ‘em become president. Now we learn this black fella likes gays. For sure, the Lord is a comin’ to smite us all.”

Many conservative pundits have studied the implications of allowing gays to marry. Their conclusions paint a dire picture for the future of mankind. According to a Tea Party spokesperson, Jeb McCoy, allowing gays to marry will trigger an irreversible chain reaction which will lead to humans marrying farm animals, household pets, or worse yet, liberals from California.

“I have absolutely nothin’ against hobos” said McCoy, an unemployed auto mechanic from Slippery Creek, West Virginia, “just so long as they stick to ridin’ them boxcars.” When the question was clarified, McCoy went on to say, “Hell, some of my best friends are people who’ve spoken to homo sapiens on occasion. What in the Hell do they want? Ain’t it enough they can now openly git killed in Iraq? I thought that would shut ‘em up. Guess not.”

“It is a widely known fact that homosexuals can’t reproduce so they must recruit our young kids and turn them gay in order to keep their cult alive,” said renowned conservative commentator, Pastor Antonio Scapagotti of St. Mattress of the Springs Baptist Church of Possum Trot, Kentucky. He went on to say, “Now that our Kenyan-born Muslim-in-Chief has proclaimed that gays should be allowed to marry anybody they want to, they’ll no doubt be going after us normal folk, trying to brainwash us to become their bride – or is it their groom? It’s disgusting.”

Representative Buford Feebilthowtz of Spartanburg, South Carolina expressed the concern of millions of Americans when he said this past week, “Now that Obama has gone on record endorsing the right of gays to marry our children, where will they stop? Next thing you know, their kind will demand the right to marry La-Z-Boy recliners or stop signs. Ain’t no way I’m ever letting one of them near my Ford F-150 pickup truck. They’re liable to elope with it.”

Most God-fearing values voters are understandably apprehensive that letting gays marry will undermine the institution of marriage. They argue that if gays are allowed to marry, before you know it, there won’t be any more babies being born, and America will die off – and then the Chinese will cross the Pacific and steal all our stuff.

Supporters of gay marriage have attempted to distort the issue by citing a complete lack of any scientific evidence that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice, that being gay is in any way a mental illness or a condition you can simply “pray away”. But opponents of gay marriage are quick to point out that scientists are often wrong, as they were when they argued that global warming was real or the earth was round.

A large percentage of Americans believe allowing gays to marry is the first step in the eventual collapse of our society’s moral foundation. “It goes against everything the Bible teaches,” said Abby Pearahnoyd, President of the Errant Mission, Oklahoma PTA, who when asked to point out where in the Bible it talks about homosexuality being a choice, responded by saying, “I don’t know precisely, but I’m sure it’s in there somewhere. Are you calling God a liar?”

Reverend Earl Matehonger, pastor of the Divine Missionary Position Lutheran Church of Hickory, North Carolina, spoke bluntly in his Sunday sermon about the dangerous path our nation is headed down. “The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and treat others the way we wanna be treated. But it wasn’t never talkin’ about their kind. Just how to treat us regular people.”

Millions of America-loving Americans fear that once married, gays may want to go even further and demand the opportunity to raise families too. Some experts, like Congressman Billy Ray Fradogaze of Moonshine, Louisiana, worry that thousands of happily abandoned children may get scooped up by self-serving gay couples intent on preying on unsuspecting orphans in order to take them home, provide for their healthcare and pay for their college education, all for gays’ own selfish amusement. “It’s enough to make ya sick” said a finger-wagging Fradogaze.

Despite the President’s recent admission that he wants all Americans to turn gay like him, there is hope for millions of brave heterosexual Americans who were raised with values of patriotism, self-reliance, and a morbid fear of homosexuality. Defenders of family values are standing firm against this gay onslaught, in an effort to restore America to its previous greatness – back to a more civilized era, when the thought of gays marrying was inconceivable – and the idea of allowing blacks and women to vote was just a whimsical passing notion.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2011

[Author’s note to the satire-impaired: In this week’s post, my point was to highlight the antiquated, bigoted, intolerant attitude of millions of homophobic people towards gays. There is no defensible reason why gays should not have the same marital rights as heterosexuals. Besides, why should gays be denied the joys of sacrificing their freedom to raise ungrateful teenagers who insist you drop everything and drive them to the mall?]

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