What is all this fuss about global warming? Oooh, look at the lonely polar bear swimming in open Arctic waters so far from land. How will it eat? Isn’t that soooo sad. That heart-breaking polar bear was undoubtedly filmed in a back lot at Universal Studios. Two minutes later they probably fed him a nice Caribou and a baby narwhal for dessert.
All the tree huggers are squawking about how mankind is ruining the planet by pumping too much carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. These alarmists screech about how we must take drastic action NOW or else the quality of life for our kids will plummet like a rock in muddy waters. Whatever…. It’s time to debunk these lies once and for all, so we can go back to leaving our air conditioners on when we’re not at home. I for one have no plans to put my stretch hummer convertible on blocks any time soon.
Claim: Man’s production and exhaustion of carbon based fuels, such as oil, is a major causal factor in the earth’s global warming. As a result, carbon dioxide (CO2) levels have increased geometrically in the past 50 years to the highest levels ever recorded – going back 400,000 years. CO2 levels are directly linked to an increase in global temperatures over time.
My Rebuttal: Oh Geez. You’ve been watching An Inconvenient Truth, haven’t you? I’m surprised you left out the photo of Al Gore on a 60-foot tall cherry picker. CO2 is what all those green things need to breathe. Certainly the tree-huggers would celebrate such an abundance of “air” supply for their beloved plants and trees, CO2 contains two of the most important elements in the universe: carbon and oxygen. According to the irrefutable Wikipedia, “carbon forms the backbone of biology for all life on Earth.” I for one am all for backbone. And most of us need oxygen for breathing. Who out there can tell me that having oxygen is a bad thing? With CO2, you get twice as much oxygen as carbon, sort of a two for one deal. You gotta like that. So if you ask me, higher CO2 levels are a great improvement. As for record-breaking levels of CO2? What’s not to like about breaking records? It’s the American way.
Claim: Estimates are that global sea levels could rise by more than 20 feet and the Arctic Ocean could become permanently ice-free in summer within 40 years.
My Rebuttal: I hardly think the sea level will rise by more than 15 feet tops. So we lose Vanuatu, Tuvalu, and a couple other obscure Pacific islands that lacked the foresight to build high-rise condominiums for their population of fishermen. It’s not like I was planning a vacation there anytime soon. And what’s the big deal with no ice in the Arctic in the summer? Our furry friend, Mr. Polar Bear, still gets to have it in the winter time. You don’t hear me whining about no skiing in summer! Let’s not get greedy here, furry little fella.
Claim: As the CO2 levels rise, and global warming increases, the frequency and severity of heat waves, droughts, forest wild fires and hurricanes will all increase.
My Rebuttal: Lions and Tigers and Bears – Oh My! You just won’t let up about this CO2 thing, will you? Who are you, Little Miss Meteorologist? I have lived in upstate New York, Columbus, Philadelphia, and Seattle. I have never once experienced a hurricane, forest wild fire, or tsunami in my suburban neighborhood – ever. And what’s wrong with a little warming anyway? People vacation in Florida and Arizona because of the heat. You don’t see too many of your neighbors booking their winter get-away for the Yukon, do you? I rest my case. Now shut up about CO2 already.
Claim: While some have claimed that the current warming trend is just part of a normal cyclical pattern of planetary heating and cooling, there is “compelling evidence” that the most recent heating trend is directly the result of man-made factors, including pollution from heavy industry, increased consumption of fossil fuels, and clear-cutting of the rain forest, to name a few. Unless drastic action is taken now, global warming will become irreversible with potentially devastating consequences.
My Rebuttal: Man has had nothing to do with any of the warming. Woman, on the other hand – well, that’s a remote possibility, but I doubt it. If the industrial revolution and all the coal-burning smoke stacks spitting out all those carbon emissions really have contributed to global warming, then how do you explain the fact that there are five times as many ski resorts now as there were in the 1950’s? And 500 times more than there were in Elizabethan times!? If everything were warming up, do you really think they’d make all these winter resorts? Of course not.
Now that I think about it, if global warming is happening, that would actually be a boon for humanity. Environmentalists say global warming can lead to the extinction of species. But as the earth’s temperature has risen, so too has its population. Just look at China: its smog is as thick as pea soup and its population is exploding. Darwin’s survival of the fittest at its finest.
So there you have it. I apologize if I have a bit of a swagger to my type face, but I think I shot down these specious arguments from all those environmental extremists and doom-saying alarmists about global warming. Now what exactly was all the fuss about? Well, I’m going to enjoy the rest of this toasty hot mid-October afternoon up here in the Nome, Alaska and work on my tan.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
Postscript: For a serious discussion of how to address our energy problems and break our dependence on foreign oil, read the Pickens Plan at www.pickensplan.com.
DANG!!! I’m convinced! Though I really like the part where women just may have something to do with global warming…(if it weren’t for menopause, this whole planet would be 10 degrees cooler!).
I ‘m going to go out and burn some brush in my backyard as a protest to this insipid concept that we are too damned hot!!!
Come on, people! Just be happy with what you have and don’t make a fuss. This CO2 business is a perfect example. Be happy with as many atoms as you can get.
I hear all the complaints about CO2, but if we had one fewer O, that would leave us with CO, carbon monoxide. You’ve all heard about CO, it’s the murder weapon cited when someone dies while locked in the garage with the car’s engine running. We could be all drifting off to sleep, only to wake up dead.
If we lost another O, we would be left with a lump of charcoal. Not so great, is it?
It could even be worse! If you removed the C from CO2, and you would be left with O2, as in oh-oh, which is what you say just as you light a match surrounded by pure O2, causing everything to be engulfed in flames. Another bad possibility.
It is obvious that we should be happy for all our C’s and twice as happy for our O’s. We should be happiest of all for the way in which those C’s and O’s work together to give us our “plants breathe it, so it must be good for the environment” CO2.
Excellent use of quotation marks in your first rebuttal, “…abundance of “air” supply for their beloved plants…” would indeed be far superior to an abundance of “Air Supply”.
And as a far as rising sea levels go, I’m all for it. In fact I figure about 35-40 feet would get me some prime waterfront. Suburbans and coal-fired electricity for everyone!