by TEJ | Sep 23, 2023 | In the News Humor
Most Canadians carry grudges for a long time. This is a scene from the War of 1812, fought near Montreal, in which the US navy kicked their butt. Canadians still hold a grudge because the Americans won this battle – and didn’t pick up their trash.
For years, people have screamed BUILD THAT WALL! Ever since Donald Trump became our nation’s Grifter-In-Chief in 2016, millions of Americans have been in a constant state of panic that our country’s borders were being overrun by Mexicans – or worse yet – Liberals. But they’ve all been looking the wrong direction. The region we most desperately need to secure is not our southern border. It’s our northern one – with Canada.
Oh sure, at first blush Canadians seem like nice, friendly, even-tempered folk. It’s all a ruse. Don’t fall for it. I should know. I made the egregious mistake of marrying a Canadian. We’ve been married for 36 years – and I still don’t trust her. At night she steals most of the covers and the next morning acts like she has no idea how that happened. Sure, sweetie. Sure…
Did you know that, at over 5,500 miles in length, the USA – Canada border is the longest unprotected border in the world? For the vast majority of this stretch, there is nothing separating the two nations other than a few thousand well-maintained Canadian backyard hedges to block their nefarious attack on our sacred soil.
Here’s a fact that should terrify you: In the past 250 years, more than 90% of Canada’s population has quietly amassed within 100 miles of the American border. Why is it that they’re all huddled so close to us? The answer’s obvious: They’re all freezing to death. They plan to invade the USA mainly to get warm – and to erect Tim Horton’s Donut Shoppes all over this once great land.
You may say I’m overreacting. I say you haven’t been paying close enough attention. One day soon you might discover that your innocent young child is being taught in school that the proper spelling is “colour” and “labour” and “theatre.” And they’ll tell you it’s 9 degrees outside. But that’s Celsius, so who really knows how cold it is? Do you want that for your children’s future?
Do me a favour, I mean, favor, and WAKE UP – before it’s too late. Canadians have long been jealous of Americans. They resent us for having more money, better football teams, and better beer. Okay, I’ve just been informed by my Canadian wife that Canada has better beer. But I’m not going to apologize for my error by saying, “Sorry, eh?” That’s what Canadians do all the time. Apologize. Canucks are annoyingly polite.
Canadians are highly skilled at curling. This is a curling stone. It could also be used as a weapon in hand-to-hand combat. If you’ve ever been hit in the head by one of these stones, you’d never forget it. The pain is excruciating.
Make no mistake. Our northern neighbors are preparing to invade us. Okay, I hear you countering with, “Hey, but didn’t Canada outlaw the sale of handguns and assault weapons? So won’t we have far superior weapons to defend ourselves?” Okay, so technically, you’re right about that. But in Canada, they have nine months of winter. As a result, they have accumulated the world’s largest stockpile of unregistered snowballs. And their Zamboni ice rink machines will crush you if you don’t get out of their way as they saunter towards you at 3 miles per hour.
Don’t think the Canadians won’t do it. They’re still pissed about the War of 1812, between Great Britain and the young United States – I forget which year it took place. Much of the war was fought on Canadian soil, and frankly, the American soldiers made a mess of several Canadian towns and villages and refused to pick up their litter. Most Canadians have not forgotten. And earlier this year, the USA women’s hockey team defeated the Canadian women’s team 6-3 in the 2023 Women’s World Hockey Championship. Our women beat theirs in their national pastime. So, yeah, Canadians have an axe to grind with Americans. It’s time to keep your kids safe inside your home because the invasion could be imminent.
Where exactly might the first wave of Canadian Mounties mount their attack? Experts have several theories. Perhaps, they might try a sneak attack by way of Niagara Falls. Personally, I doubt it, because it’s extremely hard to fit a Mounty into one of those wooden barrels, let alone their horse.
My best guess? Point Roberts, Washington State. Never heard of it? Neither had I until recently. Turns out Point Roberts is an exclave – the ONLY place in the entire lower 48 states where in order for an American to get there, they must travel through Canada. That’s because it sits at the bottom of a tiny appendage of land jutting out from Canada just below the 49th parallel. [See map below.] With no airport or ferry service, you can only get there from the rest of Washington state by car – which requires you to drive through British Columbia before re-entering a USA border crossing at Point Roberts.
See that sliver of land hanging down from Canada? That’s Point Roberts, WA. Canadians feel the border was drawn wrong and that the USA ripped them off by stealing this chunk of their land. And they’re itching to get it back.
I recently visited Point Roberts. I have to say, our border security there is non-existent. The most meaningful barrier to entry from Canada into Point Roberts is a trampoline set in Harriet Wilson’s backyard. Its side netting is very tall. Otherwise, you literally can walk right through the border, about as easily as my annoying neighbor Bert Higgins can meander into my backyard to let his dog take a crap on my lawn.
Point Roberts is a tiny sliver of American soil, not even five square miles in size. Only 1,100 people live there. A sleepy, tranquil, mostly forested peninsula with only one grocery store, one restaurant, and for reasons I don’t understand, three bowling alleys. But in my extensive research for this article (which consisted of googling “facts about Point Roberts”), to my shock and horror, I learned that Canadians own 75 percent of the properties in Point Roberts, USA. They’re pissed that the USA grabbed this miniscule slice of Canada and they want it back – but they are quick to point out they’re in no hurry, America. Canadians are every bit as patient as they are polite.
Not to alarm you further, but the invasion has already begun. Most American news networks have refused to cover this story. But before long, Canadians will quietly, politely be buying up property in border states like Washington, Wisconsin, Montana, Maine, Minnesota and Michigan – pretty much any state beginning with the letters M or W. But it won’t end with those letters, I assure you. I’m talking to you, Vermont!
This is an actual photo of the border between Point Roberts, USA (left) and Tsawwassen, Canada (right). It is literally divided by just this ten-inch concrete barrier. Totally impenetrable – if you were a tortoise or a clam.
While millions of MAGA hatters keep screaming about building a wall to keep out the Mexicans and LGBTQ+ supporters, Canadians will sneakily be pouring over our northern border riding astride their pet moose or polar bears. And then one morning you’ll wake up to learn that our national meal of pizza has been replaced by something called poutine, a fattening French Canadian meal of French Fries, cheese curds, and gravy. Disgusting.
It’s high time we built that high wall to keep out the ravenous Canadian horde. Don’t worry, we’ll make them pay for it. And since the Canadian dollar is worth only 76 cents US, it won’t cost them nearly as much to build. So, a win-win.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
#canadaAmericanrelations #northernborderwall #southernborderwall #politics #internationalrelations #canada #immigration #canadianinvasion
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by TEJ | Mar 12, 2019 | Lifestyles humor
Putin vs. Poutine. One is an evil, deadly killer that over time has ruthlessly attempted to slowly eat away at and destroy the safety of an unsuspecting country. The other is Vladimir Putin.
Every day I read another news story citing Russia’s ongoing attempts to de-stabilize America. And then there’s the increasing specter from China, with its treacherous plans to steal all our technology and hack all our phones.
We’re also told to be wary of the menace from our southern border, where thousands of terrorist Hispanic children with their Hello Kitty backpacks are preparing to invade us.
As serious as these threats are from our east, west and south, our government, in its futile efforts to protect the American people, is looking in all the wrong directions. The real peril – and it is a formidable one – is coming at us from the north!
I’m talking about the People’s Socialist Republic of Canada. I have always distrusted Canadians – especially this one particularly beautiful redhead “comrade” I have long suspected of being a spy – my wife. And seriously, how can any country be that nice?
It’s not the Russian Bear we should be worried about. It’s the great white Polar Bear lurching towards our 5,525 mile-long unprotected northern border. Canada may not have the military clout to conquer us (their entire military could fit into a Walmart Super Store). No, their tactic is far more devious and subtle. You’ve heard the adage, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”? Well, through the stomach is also the way to our demise – and it is how they plan to kill us.
How do I know this? Because I recently visited a Canadian family in Vancouver, BC. We took walks together, chatting about the challenges of living in a northerly country with only four hours of sunlight on a good day. We pondered whether Canadians will ever learn how to spell words like “color” and “theater” properly. We laughed. We bonded. I thought they were my friends. They even forgave me for living in a country that elected a president who thinks Canada’s capitol is the North Pole. (Every American knows Canada’s capitol is Toronto.)
The entire time I was in this perplexing alien land, folks were extremely polite and hospitable. My guard was down, and so they lulled me into a false sense of acceptance – and trust. Too late, I learned that secretly, they all despise Americans. Why? Perhaps they envy our ingenuity in creating Disneyland and the diaper alarm. Or maybe their shame over our women’s hockey team beating theirs for the 2018 Olympic Gold medal was too much. The truth is, I now believe my hosts were trying to kill me the entire time, and I have definitive proof.
On my final day there, my Canadian “friends” took me out to a popular local eatery for a last meal before I headed back home to the states. The specialty was a popular traditional Canadian meal called poutine (“poo-teen”) and they insisted I try it. I had no idea they intended this to literally be my LAST MEAL.
I know, you’re saying, “Tim, you sound paranoid!” But let me explain. This meal was created by the most dangerous specie of Canadian: the French Canadians – and is composed of greasy French fried potatoes mixed with large chunks of cheese curds, smothered in a thick blanket of beef gravy – or as it’s better known, the Three Pillars of Death. The portions are huge. The “Child Size” is so named, I believe, because it’s roughly the size of a toddler. My theory is that poutine was originally used as a substitute for mortar to adhere the ice blocks together on igloos.
Flashback to the cozy scene at the restaurant. Within minutes of gorging on this lard-based sludge with the consistency of wet cement, I could barely stand up. My dinner-mates were ever so solicitous as they ushered me into my car and bid me a fond farewell. I could hardly stay awake on the three-hour drive home. I could have died in a car crash – which in retrospect, clearly was their plan all along.
Poutine – a French Canadian dinner staple consisting of French fries, cheese curds and beef gravy that has become Canada’s signature meal – or as I call it, The Artery Assassin.
In doing research for this article (why are you laughing at the thought I might do research?), I learned that poutine is insanely high in saturated fat, cholesterol, and refined carbs, and causes instantaneous thickening of artery walls. In fact, a single serving (typically 5,000 ounces) can kill you (although in full disclosure, that’s more likely due to the waiter deliberately dropping the ponderous plate onto your head at the sound of your American accent.)
Fortunately, for me, I only ate a small portion of my 64-ounce “Infant” serving, or else, I’m fairly certain I would have suffered a heart attack – or at least a really bad case of indigestion.
What the mainstream media won’t tell you is that it’s all part of a nefarious plot to invite Americans to come to Canada, to help prop up their faltering economy, and then, when we least suspect it, serve us a truck-bed serving of poutine, so we’ll all keel over from cardiac arrest. Then they’ll take our cars, break into our homes –and steal our flat screen TVs and jewelry – while leaving a very thoughtful apology note on the kitchen counter.
I now believe Canadians are hellbent on destroying America. They have long been jealous of us, mainly because they are sick and tired of the NFL drafting all the best football talent before the CFL gets a pick. Their plan is to take us out, one unsuspecting football fan at a time, by offering to make us home-cooked meals of their artery-clogging poison.
You may be asking yourself, “Hey, if poutine is so deadly, why do Canadians keep eating it, and why aren’t they dying from it?” – to which I say: you ask really annoying questions. You’re forgetting that they’ve had a century to build up an immunity to this deadly concoction. They also drink maple syrup straight from the jar and consume Canadian bacon by the shovel-full, and yet somehow survive. Those bastards have arteries of steel.
America, it’s time to stop falling for all the Fake News stories about Russia, China and Mexico trying to undermine our great country. Our real enemy will be invading from the north. And they know the fastest way to bring us to our knees is through our pie holes.
Tonight, when you tuck your kids in bed, tell them you love them, promise never to make them write everything in two languages, and be sure never to let them visit Canada. Because if they do, they may never return, thanks to a poutine overdose – or perhaps because they will be duped by Canadians’ devious displays of hospitality, generosity and the country’s incredible natural beauty. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019
by TEJ | Jan 14, 2019 | In the News Humor, Political humor
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announces he’ll erect a southern border wall to protect Canada from all the invading caravans of desperate Americans fleeing the US in search a sane safe haven — and better quality beer.
Ottawa – Today, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau delivered a landmark speech to the combined chambers of the Canadian Parliament. He announced his plans to erect a 50-foot-tall wall along the entire length of the USA-Canadian border to keep them safe from the hordes of Americans fleeing the USA. Countless numbers are seeking asylum in Canada, widely considered the last remaining enclave of sanity north of Mexico.
Canadians were initially enraged when the Prime Minister’s address cut into an intermission of the Maple Leafs – Oilers game. Mr. Trudeau began his ten-minute speech in the traditional Canadian manner, by apologizing for interrupting TV coverage of the Zamboni re-surfacing the ice rink.
In his remaining 90 seconds, he was resolute. “In recent months, with all the erratic behavior coming out of the White House in Washington, DC, it has caused tremors throughout our great nation. Our fine people are increasingly fearful that Donald Trump may destroy the world economy, start a nuclear war, or worse yet, attempt to visit Canada.
Canada’s charismatic leader pointed to indisputable evidence of massive caravans trying to breach their perimeter. “They’re filled with lots of scary, dangerous people heading straight for our defenseless southern border. Some really bad people, ya’ know? So, I have no choice but to place the safety and security of our people first.” According to fact checkers, he apologized twenty-three times during his ten-minute presentation.
Trudeau pointed to the latest news stories reporting thousands of Americans in Honda SUVs and Subaru Cross-overs closing in on the Great White North, with several invaders known to be aggressive hand-shakers.
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by TEJ | Apr 3, 2016 | In the News Humor, Political humor
Greetings, American Refugees,
On behalf of the people of Canada, we would like to welcome you to our country. We hope you’ll enjoy your stay. We heard about your recent election, and, frankly, we’re starting to worry about your nation’s apparent complete psychological breakdown. What exactly were you folks thinking? You were doing so well these past eight years with President Obama. He seemed like an awfully nice fellow. We’re not quite sure what has caused your country to go off the rails, but as we watched your presidential election results, the only plausible conclusion we Canadians can come to is that millions of your fellow Americans have gone utterly bonkers.
Oh sure, for a while there, we’ll admit, we were highly amused watching your presidential contest, featuring a carnival of candidates, from a narcissistic billionaire / Reality TV show host, to a rightwing evangelical Texan universally disliked even by his own party’s colleagues in the Senate, to a prominent neuro-surgeon who believes Egypt’s pyramids were built to store grains, not pharaohs. Where on earth did you find such a zany cast of characters? But we figured that eventually your countrymen would come to their senses and realize that perhaps the most important criteria for selecting your next head of state should be something more substantial than the size of the candidate’s privates or the relative hotness of their spouse. Apparently we were wrong. And for that, we deeply apologize.
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by TEJ | Feb 29, 2012 | Lifestyles humor, Pop culture humor
The United States shares a border with its neighbor to the north, Canada, that’s 5,525 miles long – or if you happen to be Canadian, that’s 8,891 kilometers – not that anybody really uses kilometers, mind you. Did you know that our border with Canada is the longest unprotected border in the world? I’ll bet there are a lot of things you don’t know about our friendly neighbor to the north.
As someone who has been married to a Canadian for 25 years, I am an expert on appreciating the subtle cultural differences between our two nations. I continue to be surprised by how little most Americans know about the great nation of Canada. When asked, What’s the capital of Canada?, 55% of Americans guessed Toronto. Another 25% chose Montreal. And 15% responded, Could you repeat the question? The correct answer, of course, is Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.
Many Americans think of Canadians as beer-swilling, hockey-playing, toque-headed, parka-wearing moose-hunters, whose favorite food is a beaver tail pastry, covered in maple syrup. In reality, only a small minority of Canadians are moose hunters. Most prefer to hunt caribou. The true picture of Canada is much more nuanced and includes Royal Canadian Mounties officiating curling matches on floating pack ice.
The sad truth is that most Americans know next to nothing about our next-door neighbors to the north. Time to set the record straight. Here are seven widespread myths (only two of which I’ve been spreading) about Canada and Canadians.
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