What a brilliant idea – baby food for adults in single serving jars. What could possibly go wrong? This was an actual product idea Gerber brought to market. Shockingly, it was an epic fail. (Not making this up.)
What a brilliant idea – baby food for adults in single serving jars. What could possibly go wrong? This was an actual product idea Gerber brought to market. Shockingly, it was an epic fail. (Not making this up.) Most Business marketing gurus study successful product launches like the iPhone, the Amazon Echo, or my personal favorite – the wheel. Not me. As one of America’s leading self-proclaimed marketing and brand management experts, I prefer to examine the spectacular, crater-sized smoking holes left in the market by history’s greatest commercial flops. (I’m looking at you, Cyber Truck.) I’m talking about those mind-bogglingly bad ideas that make you wonder if the entire executive suite was huffing industrial copier fluid during the development phase.
Recently, while researching some of the most catastrophic product launches of the past half century, I uncovered a treasure trove of previously unreleased shareholder letters from corporate CEOs. These letters attempted to explain how products which should have been laughed out of the conference room somehow made it all the way to store shelves. What follows is a sampling of a few of those letters.
All of the following disastrously misguided product launch failures actually happened.
EXHIBIT A: GERBER FOODS (1974)Context: The genius idea to market “Gerber Singles” – pureed, jarred meals for single adults.
To Our Valued Shareholders,
As you know, our Q3 earnings look like a crime scene. Many of you have expressed disappointment over our recent launch of Gerber Singles for Adults. For this, I must squarely place the blame on our Senior VP of Product Innovation, Gary Smithers.
Gary assured me that the “swinging singles” of the 1970s were tired of cooking whole steaks and wanted nothing more than to pop open a small glass jar of room-temperature, pureed Beef Burgundy and eat it with a tiny plastic spoon while watching Match Game.
Unfortunately, the launch suffered due to several unforeseen factors. For one, Gary badly misread the market. He insisted on using the slogan: “Dinner You Can Swallow Without Chewing.” In hindsight, this may have unintentionally suggested weakness, frailty, or that the product was primarily aimed at nursing home residents.
The product flopped after three months not because adults don’t want mushy, pre-chewed food, but because Gary insisted on putting a picture of our iconic chubby Gerber baby on the label. I think it sent the wrong message.
We are currently repurposing the leftover mush into drywall paste. Gary has been demoted to jar-sterilizer.
EXHIBIT B: HARLEY-DAVIDSON (1996)Context: The legendary motorcycle company launches Harley-Davidson Perfume.
Dear Shareholders,
As many of you know, our entry into the fragrance market failed to meet expectations. Specifically, consumers did not embrace our Harley-Davidson perfume line, despite extensive testing. Our chief marketing officer Chad Bennington strongly believed men would be drawn to women who possessed a fragrance that hinted of “gasoline, leather, poor financial decisions, and Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts.”
It turns out men do not want their wives on date night to smell like a broken-down transmission fluid leak. In Chad’s defense, our focus groups responded surprisingly positively after the fourth beer.
Where we miscalculated was in assuming customers wanted to smell like motorcycles rather than simply ride them. We also failed to realize in time that there really is no such thing as an automotive personal fragrance market. Chad has been asked to clear out his desk and ride his motorcycle into the sunset.
We remain optimistic that a relaunch could succeed if paired with a free kickstand and limited-edition neck tattoo.
Warm regards,
Richard Teerlink, Harley-Davidson CEO
Another epic failure was the 2005 launch by Frito-Lay of Cheetos “Flamin’ Hot” lip balm. (Not making this up.) The fact that it came with a Cheetos-themed key chain didn’t help with sales. If you ask me, nothing says “smooth, soft lips” like a cheese-flavored lip balm that tastes like your mouth is on fire.
EXHIBIT C: FORD MOTOR COMPANY, BRAZIL DIVISION (1970s)Context: Launching the Ford Pinto in Brazil, completely unaware that “Pinto” is Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals.”
To Our South American Stakeholders,
It has come to our attention that the Ford Pinto has not performed well in Brazil due to an unfortunate linguistic oversight. It turns out our Head of Global Naming, Todd Johnson, did not consult a Portuguese dictionary. Apparently, introducing a car whose name in Portuguese translates to the “Ford Tiny Male Genitals” does not inspire the bravado and machismo that Brazilian men look for in a sub-compact economy automobile.
Naturally, this complicated our advertising campaign. Our original slogan, “Drive Your Little Pinto with Pride,” tested poorly. Dealerships reported customers entering Ford showrooms merely to laugh hysterically and pose for photographs next to the vehicle.
I blame this disastrous rollout on Todd’s lack of vision. Honestly, if Todd had just tweaked the marketing campaign to lean into the name, we could have owned the market. We should have marketed it as: “The Ford Pinto: It’s not the size of the car that counts; it’s how you park it!”
Nevertheless, we remain proud of the Pinto and maintain that under a different name – perhaps “The Ford Reasonably Average-Sized Penis” – the vehicle could have succeeded.
We regret to inform investors that our line of Colgate frozen dinners has been discontinued. Apparently, consumers were uncomfortable purchasing entrées associated with cavity prevention.
Our senior branding director Brenda Whitaker convinced the board that because people love the minty-fresh taste of Colgate toothpaste at 7:00 AM, they’d naturally crave a piping-hot tray of Colgate Beef Lasagna at 7:00 PM. Unfortunately, we discovered that people don’t enjoy eating products that sound like they should be followed by rinsing and spitting.
Several focus group participants specifically cited concerns over “minty lasagna confusion.” One customer reportedly wandered a grocery aisle for twenty minutes trying to determine whether “Colgate Beef Ravioli” was intended for lunch or plaque control.
Still, we stand by the quality of the meals themselves and maintain that our “Tartar Control Meatloaf” deserved more time in the marketplace.
Brenda is no longer with us, and we are currently trying to melt down the remaining inventory into a mint-flavored bathroom caulk.
As I reviewed these corporate apologies, one thing became painfully obvious: many CEOs are unwilling to admit when an idea itself is idiotic. Instead, they blame the rollout. The packaging was wrong. The slogan missed the mark. America overreacted to mint-flavored ravioli. Apparently, no one in the boardroom ever stood up and said: “Gentlemen, perhaps adults do not want strained beef in a baby jar.”
Personally, I think when selecting CEOs, companies should prioritize leaders who accept responsibility for failure. Or at minimum, leaders capable of inventing better excuses. Because if your explanation for Harley-Davidson perfume failing is, “Consumers weren’t emotionally prepared to smell like carburetors,” then perhaps the real product needing to be discontinued is your CEO.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go market my own new invention: The View from the Bleachers-Brand Scented Air Freshener. It smells like overcooked hot dogs, stale beer, and shattered dreams. My marketing team assured me it’s an amazing idea. So when it fails, I already know exactly who to fire.
Here is one new product launch that is guaranteed to become a smashing success. My own invention: VFTB Air Freshener. It came to me in a dream, so you know I’ve thought it through. Buy 50 cans and the 51st one is half off. That’s marketing, buddy!
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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Welcome back to the office. Your boss is excited to have you here. Don’t worry. You’ll get the hang of it. It will be just like it’s been for the past year – except that you’ll be expected to put in more than 3 hours of work during an 8-hour shift. And you won’t be able to play Minecraft during the weekly staff meeting because your boss will be sitting next to you, now that these sessions are no longer on Zoom.
So you’re going back to work soon, eh? Not to imply that you haven’t been working extremely hard all this time over the past year, your nose to the grindstone three dedicated hours a day (six hours if you count your time playing video games) – ever since you’d been ordered to work from home due to the pandemic. But you just received word that, for the first time in over a year, your employer is asking everybody to report for work at the office.
If you’re like most people, you’re probably greeting this news with mixed emotions. Sure, you’re excited finally to see all your co-workers again. But you’re also wondering if you’ll even remember what they look like. [Hint: they look the same as before – just 35 pounds heavier.]
Having, until recently, worked in a corporate office environment for most of my career, I thought it might be helpful if I reviewed some workplace basics, to prepare you for your transition back to the world of co-workers, company lunchrooms, and office gossip.
First of all, when you enter the office, that slightly annoyingly perky person greeting you is the receptionist. They can help you locate your desk since by now you’ve probably long since forgotten where you used to sit. [Another Hint: It will be in the form of a 5’ x 5’ cubicle with 4’ tall dividers – just like the cubicles everybody else has, except that your desk has been relocated to the basement.]
Feel free to personalize your workspace to capture your own unique style by displaying photos of people you care about, along with fun posters and knickknacks to let people see your fun, quirky spirit – just so long as your photos have been approved by Human Resources, and your cubicle adheres to the company’s new “no posters or knickknacks” policy.
That vaguely familiar plastic device on your desk – the one with a curly cord – is called a desk phone. It works much the same as your cell phone, except that your desk phone can’t check your Facebook feed, or play Angry Birds, or binge-watch Bridgerton. Okay, so it’s essentially useless. But it might make a ringing sound occasionally. If it does, you probably should answer it. It just might be your boss – either that or someone from HR, asking you to take down your Texas Chainsaw Massacre poster (it’s starting to creep people out).
That large white boxy-shaped machine in the hallway where people press buttons and curse at it is called a copier. When you’re in a hurry and you need to make copies of an important document, it will conveniently jam roughly 80% of the way through the run. But don’t worry, with help from three co-workers, you might be able to locate the source of the problem in under a half hour.
Check out your new socially distanced work space. Now you will have more safety and even less privacy than ever before. Your cubicle will look just like this, except that it’s in the basement with a peek-a-boo view of the dumpster.
Since it’s been over 12 months since you last had to wear pants for work, let’s go over office attire etiquette. While pajama bottoms technically constitute a form of pants, you may not score points with your manager if you show up in them – unless you choose the PJs covered with images of your cat. It’s adorable. And let’s leave your Seattle Seahawks sweatpants at home too. Looks like they’ve not been washed since their heartbreaking loss to the Patriots in the 2015 Superbowl. (It’s really time to get over it, buddy.)
Personally, I think your bunny slippers are hilarious, but your annoyingly traditional stuffed shirt of a boss might be a stickler for something they call “shoes.”
Also, while this may seem totally unfair, the office expects you there by 8am. Crazy, I know. So, you might want to update your previous routine of waking up at 9:30am if you plan to make it in on time.
When you get to the office, it’s a great idea to re-introduce yourself to your co-workers. It’s been so long, they might not recognize you with your beard and ponytail and the Hello Kitty lower back tattoo you got on a dare that you lost. And when you greet them, smile, and feign interest in their response. Perhaps don’t lead off by saying, “Hey, you looked way slimmer on Zoom than in person.”
When you greet one of your colleagues, for safety’s sake, don’t shake hands. Settle for a friendly elbow bump or an “air” high five – unless the other person is a total jerk and you’ve already been double vaccinated, in which case, go ahead and plant a fat, wet kiss on their cheek. They’ll steer clear of you from now on. However, you may get a visit from that same HR representative who has a thing about ghoulish movie posters. HR reps have no friends.
While the pandemic appears to be in decline, we’re not out of the woods just yet. Be patient. Please continue to wear a mask in the office until you are told otherwise by management. But don’t wear your mask over your eyes as eye shades – especially during the team meeting. It may be your go-to move for your daily 2pm nap, but the corporate policy on napping is a bit less lax back at the office.
When you’re stuck in a meeting you feel is a complete waste of your time, refrain from saying out loud that the presenter is an incompetent idiot and a bore. Your mute button only works in Zoom meetings – not during in-person meetings. I can’t stress this enough.
You will be asked to do your small part to keep COVID away by wiping down your desk, computer, phone, chair and office supplies with an antiseptic cleanser every 45 minutes. Remember to bring a new box of disinfecting wipes to work each day. No, you can’t expense it.
Oh, one more thing. See that large room with all the swivel chairs around a large mahogany table? That’s called a conference room. It’s typically going to be used by your boss when they convene a meeting where they will go around the room to scream at each team member about how they are failing to abide by the company’s new “no posters or knickknacks” policy.
Being stuck in a conference room is no fun. But don’t worry. You will only have to attend these meetings for a few weeks – until they realize that the vaccine you got does not protect you against the latest COVID variant and they need to send everybody back home again.
Before you know it, the next spike will hit, and you’ll be back on your couch, in your pajamas and bunny slippers, with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey. Good luck beating your high score on Fortnite.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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For several years, every November and December, I experienced three-day work weeks thanks to the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Due to the shortened workweeks, I had to be extremely focused, making efficient use of my limited time those weeks. I cut way back the amount of time devoted to watching adorable cat videos on YouTube.
With only three days to get everything done, I dutifully avoided sending our my normal two dozen humor emails a day with links to things like hilarious parody music videos on the Twelve Days of Christmas. I discovered that I accomplished so much in these shortened work weeks that it got me to thinking: Imagine how much more efficient workers would all be if we all had a three-day work week.
There are many companies – and even a few cities (El Paso, TX, Melbourne, FL) and at least one state (Utah) that are currently experimenting with a four-day work week. Instead of five 8-hour days, their employees work four 10-hour days, and they really get a lot of things done in these ten-hour days…well, in the first 8 hours anyway. Polls of workers who have shifted to a four-day work schedule indicate that 85% prefer it to the previous five-day schedule and an overwhelming 99% prefer it to the seven-day 80-hour work week with no time off for Christmas.
The advantages of a four-day work week are obvious:
Reduced commuting time and reduced energy consumption by eliminating one day of commuting travel per week
Improved energy efficiencies from reduced use of electricity and heating in offices and factories which are closed one more day each week
You can get drunk on Thursday night and don’t have to make up transparent excuses for not showing up to work on Friday, like “I can’t make it into work today, boss because my four-year old Nate is sick with the measles again… Yeah, I know it’s the 7th time this year. He has a really crappy immune system…”
Until this past July, for the previous four decades, I had always worked in business. I was routinely required to submit reports on my progress: Sales forecasts, pipeline analyses, business plans – you name the report, I made it up, er, I mean…. um …
My point is this: Just because I’ve recently retired and moved to an island home near an idyllic beach doesn’t mean I plan to stop submitting regular progress reports. Quite the contrary. I’m happy to report that I’ve continued this practice into retirement. The focus of those reports, however, has shifted slightly.
Here is my business report for the past week.
Sea Shell Inventory Forecast:
My collection of sea shells grew by an impressive 11% this past month, due in part to two unscheduled beach-combing field inspections. While sightings of scallop shells were up 14% year-over-year, unfortunately, the projected production of intact sand dollars is expected to be down 18 to 20% compared to the previous quarter, in part due to increased foreign competition (tourists from Japan) which is anticipated to grab significant market share. I plan to diversify my portfolio of shells by investing (my time) in conch shells, tibias and spiny oyster shells. I’m optimistic we will experience a net gain next quarter if beach market conditions continue on their downward tidal trend.
[Author’s note: The following is a memo I plan to send to my two daughters upon their college graduations, informing them that they are now officially responsible for their own lives – and phone bills.]
MEMO TO: Junior members of Jones Family Enterprises
FROM: Senior Executive Team
Congratulations to the junior members of Jones Family Enterprises [henceforth JFE] on your recent completion of your undergraduate studies. The Senior Executive Team is confident that your long-term economic forecast is bright. We wish we could say the same for your near-term economic outlook. This memo is to inform you of an important decision the executive committee has made regarding your status on the JFE org chart.
After a series of challenging years in which JFE has experienced steadily declining economic growth and spiraling costs, primarily in the area of our educational assistance program, the senior management has decided to implement some immediate cost-cutting measures in order to preserve the organization’s long-term cash reserves. This decision has forced us to make difficult personnel decisions to improve efficiencies and eliminate waste.
Effective immediately, JFE is announcing a 50% reduction in force. As a consequence, we are forced to terminate your roles as fully-funded dependents of this organization and re-classify your status as “non-essential employees.” We considered all other viable options before coming to this decision, including a recommendation by our firm’s Co-CEO, Ms. Jones, to eliminate my position on the executive steering committee. But that recommendation failed to receive the necessary two-thirds vote required for passage by the two-person executive steering committee.
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