There are only a few more weeks until Election Day. Polls paint a bleak picture for Romney’s chances of winning the White House – which house is even lovelier than his ski chalet house in Park City, Utah, but not quite as lovely as his ocean-front house in La Jolla. But that’s not the point.
The point is that for weeks Romney has been playing defense thanks to some unfortunate gaffes like claiming that 47% of Americans are freeloading parasites, letting it slip that he and Vladimir Putin are longtime BFF pen pals, and accidentally admitting he is a New York Yankees fan (there goes the Massachusetts vote). Reports that he recently purchased India’s Taj Mahal as a winter vacation get-away probably won’t help either.
Any way you slice the polling data, the news does not look good for Romney. He trails Obama with the following demographic groups:
Women, Latinos, blacks, gays, people under 25, people over 25, people who identify themselves as middle class, people with access to the news, people who can do basic math, people who can identify Canada on a map, and people who are nice to their pets
It’s now less than two months until the 2012 presidential election. The field of candidates has been whittled down to the Final 13. The short list includes several impressive independent candidates, like Robert Burck, better known to New Yorkers as the Naked Cowboy, Brian J. Moran of Texas, who, as best as anyone can tell, is the only candidate running this year on the Jedi party ticket, and Vermin Supreme, whose boldly fresh platform calls for an end to gingivitis and more investment in time travel research. Vermin also courageously promises a free pony for every American. (I am not making any of this up.)
Fortunately, to make it easier for the average American to decide for whom to cast their vote, our electoral system has given two candidates a slight edge in the race to the White House: incumbent Barack Obama and that other guy, whose name temporarily escapes me because of the complete dearth of political ads on his behalf – no wait a minute, it’s coming to me. Yes, Mitt Romney.
[Author’s note: Recently, Al Qaeda’s #2 in command was killed in a drone strike. This makes him the fourth Al Qaeda #2 to be taken out in the past 18 months. In the interest of casting a wider net for possible replacement candidates, the terrorist organization posted a Help Wanted ad on Craig’s List this week. Check it out here. – tej]
#1 Terrorist Organization in the World looking for #2 in Command to lead us into the 13th Century (Tora Bora, Afghanistan)
Do you like to lead people? Can you inspire others to go the extra mile in rugged mountain terrain? Do you want more virgins than you can handle in Heaven? Are you fascinated by aerial drones? Then this job may be for you! Keep reading.
Al Qaeda has an immediate job opening for a #2 Commander to oversee logistics, recruitment, military weapons acquisition, burqa fashion enforcement and money-laundering.
Salary: Negotiable, based on previous experience wreaking havoc and destruction on corrupt, foreign, illegitimate, imperialist, capitalist, infidel governments destined to be swept aside by the hand of the Almighty when the Islamic Caliphate rises up.
Location: A cave in an undisclosed secret location somewhere in a mountainous region in Afghanistan (see map below right for exact location).
Experts in ancient Mayan culture have been prophesizing the world will come to a cataclysmic end in 2012. They base this on detailed interpretations of the ancient Mayan calendar. Thanks to President Obama’s shocking revelation last week that he supports the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, these scholars now are even more convinced the Mayans were probably right, arguing we’re in the final days before Homoggedon.
In what appears to be a historic epidemic of tolerance, a growing fringe of America-haters is promoting the rights of gays to marry. Fortunately, this wildly unpopular viewpoint is shared by less than 54% of Americans. An overwhelming 47% of Americans still think marriage should only be between a man and a woman, while 52% believe Obama is a Muslim (according to a recent poll of Republicans in Mississippi).
Christian conservatives now believe that the President’s coming out of the closet in support of gay marriage is conclusive proof that Obama is the Antichrist. There is plenty of support for this contention, including Reverend Pat Naromynde, pastor of the Shepherd of the Valley Pentecostal Church in Turtle Hollow, Tennessee. “What is this world comin’ to?”, said Naromynde. “First they let blacks marry our white women. Then they let ‘em become president. Now we learn this black fella likes gays. For sure, the Lord is a comin’ to smite us all.”
Many conservative pundits have studied the implications of allowing gays to marry. Their conclusions paint a dire picture for the future of mankind. According to a Tea Party spokesperson, Jeb McCoy, allowing gays to marry will trigger an irreversible chain reaction which will lead to humans marrying farm animals, household pets, or worse yet, liberals from California.
America is the world leader in most important categories: #1 in nuclear warheads, #1 in citizens incarcerated, and breaking into the top 50 in healthcare. We don’t look to Europe for solutions to our problems because those countries are a bunch of whiny, over-indulged socialist brie-eaters with funny accents. If there is one thing every patriotic American knows, it’s that socialism is pernicious and has no place in the American way of life.
That’s why our cherished Constitution forbids socialism to flourish anywhere within our borders – with the very narrow exceptions of our public schools, postal system, fire and police departments, interstate highway system, Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, federal prisons, all state universities, most community colleges, Social Security Administration, National Guard, Coast Guard, public libraries, most local garbage collection services, the National Weather Service, and a few thousand other minor social service programs.
My point is, with a few isolated exceptions, the USA simply does not tolerate the tyranny of socializing our civil services (if you don’t count the folks at the Civil Service Administration). The mere mention of the word socialism stirs a visceral fear in the hair-trigger psyche of our proud democracy.
Socialism enslaves people through intrusive government over-regulation. Case in point: Canada’s socialized healthcare system. Ask any Canadian how they feel about their healthcare compared to ours. An astonishing 98%* of Canadians surveyed said they would gladly swap their healthcare system for ours (* if it was necessary to do so in order to get their child back from kidnappers).
After months of grueling, often intractable debates – at times marred by heated name calling on both sides – the two leading members of the Jones household budget Super Committee appear to have reached an eleventh hour compromise that will keep the family budget funded, at least for a few more months.
As the deadline for a solution to the budget crisis approached, both sides became further entrenched in their positions. On the brink of failure, the leadership on both sides blamed each other for their selfish intransigence and caving to special interest lobbyists.
The leading liberal on the super committee, Michele Jones, argued vociferously, “We have to raise revenues. I know the other side enjoys writing its humor blog week after week, but we will never be able to pay for college on a blogger’s income. It’s time to wake up and smell the Skinny Double Tall Latte.” Meanwhile, the leading fiscal conservative on the committee, Tim Jones (coincidentally Ms. Jones’ husband), argued, “In this economic climate, near term job creation is simply not a viable option. The only feasible solution is drastic budget cuts and serious entitlement reform – starting with the kids’ cell phone $40/month unlimited texting plans.”
Mr. Jones has pushed for a variety of drastic budget cuts to some very popular entitlement programs, including scrapping plans for the upcoming Hawaiian family vacation in February and next summer’s student exchange program in Italy for their younger daughter.
There are only a few more weeks until Election Day. Polls paint a bleak picture for Romney’s chances of winning the White House – which house is even lovelier than his ski chalet house in Park City, Utah, but not quite as lovely as his ocean-front house in La Jolla. But that’s not the point.
