Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announces he’ll erect a southern border wall to protect Canada from all the invading caravans of desperate Americans fleeing the US in search a sane safe haven — and better quality beer.
Ottawa – Today, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau delivered a landmark speech to the combined chambers of the Canadian Parliament. He announced his plans to erect a 50-foot-tall wall along the entire length of the USA-Canadian border to keep them safe from the hordes of Americans fleeing the USA. Countless numbers are seeking asylum in Canada, widely considered the last remaining enclave of sanity north of Mexico.
Canadians were initially enraged when the Prime Minister’s address cut into an intermission of the Maple Leafs – Oilers game. Mr. Trudeau began his ten-minute speech in the traditional Canadian manner, by apologizing for interrupting TV coverage of the Zamboni re-surfacing the ice rink.
In his remaining 90 seconds, he was resolute. “In recent months, with all the erratic behavior coming out of the White House in Washington, DC, it has caused tremors throughout our great nation. Our fine people are increasingly fearful that Donald Trump may destroy the world economy, start a nuclear war, or worse yet, attempt to visit Canada.
Canada’s charismatic leader pointed to indisputable evidence of massive caravans trying to breach their perimeter. “They’re filled with lots of scary, dangerous people heading straight for our defenseless southern border. Some really bad people, ya’ know? So, I have no choice but to place the safety and security of our people first.” According to fact checkers, he apologized twenty-three times during his ten-minute presentation.
Trudeau pointed to the latest news stories reporting thousands of Americans in Honda SUVs and Subaru Cross-overs closing in on the Great White North, with several invaders known to be aggressive hand-shakers.
Two famous British Generals from the Revolutionary War were General John Burgoyne and General William Howe. They were going to join forces in the Battle of Saratoga to quash the rebels. Things did not quite work out as planned.
Editor’s Note: VFTB’s crack team of researchers and military historians has uncovered a never-before-seen collection of letters between two heroic British generals who served nobly during the American Revolutionary War: General John Burgoyne and General William Howe. (Yes, they are actual historical figures.)
This sampling of correspondence describes their strategy to defeat the rebellious colonials at the Battle of Saratoga in the fall of 1777.
While some may question the authenticity of these letters, (which I find astonishing), the circumstances around the build-up to this historic battle, which played a pivotal role in turning the tide of the Revolutionary War, are essentially true. – TEJ
17 August 1777
To My Esteemed Comrade, General Howe,
It has been a long, arduous passage from our wilderness encampment in the Canadian territory. But it is with great pride that I share the news of our brilliant victory over those scoundrel rebels of New York colony, as the King’s brave young soldiers clashed with those ruffians and overwhelmed their defenses at Fort Ticonderoga. As the sun sets, the colours of His Majesty King George’s Kingdom of Great Britain wave proudly against the smoke-filled skies.
I remain confident our plan to join forces, yours from the south and mine from the north, on the fertile plains of Saratoga will cut off those groggy, ill-mannered hooligan colonials from their New England brethren, thus ensuring for the two of us the highest honour. Perhaps a knighthood shall be in order, ol’ chum?
Long live our King.
General John Burgoyne
(P.S. my faithful wife Catherine, Duchess of Strathmore, enjoyed your jovial demeanor at our last encounter and asks of your wellbeing.)
********
31 August 1777
To My Noble Servant of Our King, My Esteemed, General Burgoyne,
It has been nigh to a fortnight since your correspondence informing me of your glorious victory over those vulgar plowboys of New York colony. Alas, I am still tethered to our encampment here along the banks of the Delaware, betwixt the shores of Philadelphia and Camden, seeking provisions and reinforcements. As soon as they arrive, it will be with the swiftest alacrity that I shall decamp and reconnoiter my forces to rendezvous with your fine men on the fields of Saratoga, where, God and the King be willing, we shall prevail and vanquish those pesky rabble-rousers, thus bringing to a rightful conclusion this senseless spillage of tea in our harbors. I shall send word of my impending arrival and look forward to joining forces before the next full moon.
Yours in the Service of our King,
General William Howe
(P.S. That is kind of the fair Duchess Catherine to ask. Pass on to your lovely wife, I am solid of spirits, except for of an odd rash of late. Do say, will the fair duchess’s carriage be following you south with each undoubted triumph?)(more…)
After my first trip to the Opera last year, I swore I’d never go through that punishment again. I appear to be a slow learner, because I did go again. Read what you need to know to survive. It just might save a life.
A year ago, I did something incredibly stupid. I listened to my wife. More specifically, I agreed to join her and some friends for a night at the opera. Well, I did it again.
Right about now, you may be saying, “Hey, Tim, buddy, didn’t you learn from last year’s debacle at the opera? You even wrote about it.” If you’re one of the five people who actually read that column called A Night at The Opera, thank you for your support. My only excuse can be summed up by Winston Churchill’s wisdom, that ‘Those who fail to learn from history are condemned to repeat it.’ Clearly, I failed.
I’m still not quite sure what offense I committed for which my penance was to yawn through another evening of arias and over-acting by prima donnas. But I survived, and I have finally learned. And I’m here to impart my new-found wisdom to those husbands who find themselves caught in a similar bind.
Fellas, lesson number one: never under any circumstances let your wife rope you into going to the opera. Tell her you have food poisoning from her tacos (inflicting guilt helps). Or tell her you’ve been drafted to our southern border to defend our country against 11-year-old Guatemalan kids armed with Hello Kitty backpacks. Whatever it takes to get out of going.
We attended one of the most famous operas ever written: La bohème, by Puccini. Now, in my defense, I was only half-listening when my wife suggested the event. I heard something about Bohemian and mistook it for the recent movie, Bohemian Rhapsody, about Freddie Mercury of the rock group Queen. Turns out the only thing this opera had in common with Freddie was that the lead tenor had long hair and liked to strut around the stage a lot.(more…)
Ah, a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, where the wife does all the work and the husband just carves the bird, then watches football. But this year, our Thanksgiving was nothing like this scene. Not even close.
Every year for as far back as I can remember, we’ve had company for Thanksgiving. But for the first time in our 31 years of marriage, we’d be quietly celebrating alone, just the two of us – and our cats. Where were our daughters? I guess, being adults and having their own incomes inspired them to make other plans. We will cherish their texts from Florida.
Then the day before Thanksgiving, we received an invitation from two friends whom I will call “Dave” and “Susan” (out of respect for Terry’s and Sharon’s privacy), to join them dining out for Thanksgiving.
Of course, I had to decline this generous offer. I had already made exciting plans to prepare Michele a home-cooked meal of microwaved turkey pot pies with peas, accompanied by Uncle Ben’s rice pilaf. Strangely, my wife questioned my thinking: “Excuse me? You declined??? What’s wrong with you? “So, you would rather eat genetically mutated turkey bits and plastic peas than join our friends for the real thing? Call him back and tell him YES, you idiot.” Technically, she didn’t actually say “you idiot.” But I’m fairly certain she was thinking it.
The plan was to enjoy the special Thanksgiving Day All-You-Can-Eat buffet at the Tulalip Casino. The restaurant did not take reservations. First come, first served. We arrived at what we thought was a reasonable hour: 1:00 p.m. I gave my keys to the valet and we headed inside the casino. I was surprised to see hundreds of people playing the slot machines. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but nothing says Thanksgiving like playing the Beyoncé-dollar slots. (more…)
Here’s your daily briefing from Trump News Network(formerly known as Fox News).
Stunning Midterm Election Victory
The midterms are over, and President Trump is basking in the glow of a historic Republican triumph. The Democrats were trounced in almost every congressional election (if you don’t count the lone exception of the House of Representatives). “We would have won every single House and Senate contest if it weren’t for massive voter fraud perpetrated by Democrats everywhere,” said the President. “In fact, the Democrats blatantly attempted to steal some races by forcing the polling stations to count all the votes. This is an outrage,” he added.
Trump Ranked Most Popular President Among Women
It’s official. In a poll of blue-collar women with a 4th grade education who think Jews are the problem, 65% said Trump was the best president for women ever. “What can I say,” said a clearly pleased Trump. “Women love me. And I love the ladies – so long as they’re at least an 8, of course.”
In a related poll, taken by the TNN (Trump News Network), more blacks admire President Trump than any other president since Barack Obama. When asked why he is so loved by people of color, Mr. Trump humbly reflected, “I’m the least racist person you’ll ever meet. Negroes love me. Just ask Kanye.”
The Fight to Keep our Southern Borders Safe
Pentagon officials have confirmed the president’s marching orders to send 500,000 troops to the Mexican border over the next two weeks, admitting that it will mean diverting all remaining troops from the Middle East and South Korea. “You have to send our fighting men where the threat’s the greatest,” said history’s greatest military genius.
TNN has confirmed that the maniacal horde is already less than 1,200 miles from an imminent invasion. Based on rough estimates the President made while playing Candy Crush, if the Honduran terrorist caravan averages 100 miles a day on foot, they’ll reach our borders by Thanksgiving. By then, the US military should have the nuclear warheads in position. “Who knows what kinds of deadly weapons those 13-year-old girls might have stuffed in their Hello Kitty back packs? And a rock could poke someone’s eye out!” the president warned.
According to administration sources, spy planes have identified some of the vilest criminals among their ranks, including George Soros, the 2018 Super Bowl-winning Philadelphia Eagles who snubbed the president’s invitation to the White House, and Rosie O’Donnell. “They must be stopped, especially Rosie,” Trump tweeted.
Thanks to President Trump’s courageous concern for the safety of our nation’s fearful white citizens, our southern borders are at long last secure. “Next up will be a wall to protect our Eastern border,” said the Commander-in-Chief. (more…)
