Eye Witness News reports a Nebraska farmer has been spotted terrorizing local NYC citizens by passing them by on the street, saying “Hello” and other unsettling overly friendly expressions.
Anchorman: Good evening and Welcome to Eye Witness News. I’m Sonny Vabich. This just in: A sixty-three-year-old Midwestern man visiting New York City for the first time has been accused of terrorizing New Yorkers on their way to work. From several eye witness accounts, this man, who claims his name is Earl Pickens, has been spotted approaching people minding their own business and saying unsettling things to them like, “Hello” and “Nice weather we’re having today, eh?”
Believed to be a wheat farmer from Nebraska, Mr. Pickens has been seen walking up to complete strangers in several parts of Manhattan, suspiciously asking for directions to places like the Empire State Building and even the Statue of Liberty. In just a matter of hours Pickens has left several New Yorkers traumatized by his repeated attempts to interact with them in a friendly, cheerful manner. We turn to our reporter on the scene, Woody Dewitt. Woody, what can you tell us about this latest incident that’s putting so many New Yorkers on edge?
Reporter Woody Dewitt: Thanks, Sonny. Based on security footage, we’ve determined that Pickens arrived at Penn Station in the heart of Manhattan at approximately 8:57am at the peak of the morning commute. He had boarded the AirTrain rail line from Newark International Airport earlier that morning. He had already attempted to say hi to several airline passengers at the Newark Airport baggage claim – even offering to assist one person in retrieving their luggage from the carousel. But he was quickly told, “Get away from me, you creep,” after which Pickens reportedly quietly left the scene, uttering words to the effect of “I am so sorry. I apologize. Please have a nice day.”
One anxious commuter at Penn Station recalled seeing a tall man in jeans and a plaid shirt later identified as Pickens accosting their co-worker, saying, and I quote, “Pardon me, ma’am. Do you know which way to Times Square?” unquote. He left several worried commuters here unsure why a man they did not know was talking to them, not to mention smiling. [Cut to a local eye witness.]
Local eye witness: He made direct eye contact with me. His face was no more than three feet from mine. And then he said, completely unprovoked by me, mind you, “Good morning.” I was speechless. I thought perhaps he was on drugs and might try to hit me up for money. Or perhaps he wanted to mug me. I had no idea. I was terrified. But something in his tone suggested that this might be a greeting. Thankfully, there was several police officers nearby, so they intervened to rescue me from a situation that could have turned bad, although, now that I think about it, probably not.
Reporter Woody Dewitt: While Pickens was standing in line at a Dunkin Donuts, a SWAT team of six New York City police officers quickly identified him when they overheard him say, “Thank you, Have a nice day,” to the clerk. He was taken into custody to await further questioning. However, he was released a few hours later when it was determined by the Manhattan District Attorney’s office that friendliness towards strangers is not currently considered to be a crime in New York. Outside the station, Pickens issued a brief statement. [Cut to Mr. Pickens reading from a written statement.]
This is actual security camera footage of Mr. Pickens seen accosting an unsuspecting New York commuter and wishing her to “have a nice day.” She immediately called 911 to report the shocking incident.
Earl Pickens: Where I come from in Nebraska, it is okay to greet strangers and tell them to have a nice day. I did not know that such behavior is not tolerated here in New York City. I deeply apologize to anyone I may have offended or to whom I may have caused emotional distress. I did not mean to cause anyone to panic when I carelessly uttered words like “Nice day, eh?” and “Thank you.” Would it be okay for me to go now?
Anchorman Sonny Vabich: Woody, what should New Yorkers do if they find themselves approached by an out-of-towner, from, say, Iowa or Minnesota?
Reporter Woody Dewitt: While there is no one response for every possible encounter with an overly friendly visitor, police recommend you avoid making eye contact. If you’re approached by one of these freaks, it’s best to put your headphones on and keep your head down. You have no idea what nice sentiment they may attempt to verbalize with you or one of your family members. And failing that, if someone you don’t recognize confronts you, say, to ask for directions to the Bubba Gump Shrimp company, wishes you a good morning, or otherwise tries to engage you, the best advice is to tell them in a fractured, foreign accent, “No speak-a-duh-Engleeese.” Then walk briskly towards the nearest Starbucks.
Anchorman Sonny Vabich: Sounds like smart advice. Thanks, Woody. And after a quick commercial break, what should you do if an elderly lady with a foreign accent attempts to sit next to you on the subway? More on that next.
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This is journalist Steve Hartman of CBS News. If I could wave a wand and create the perfect job for me, it would be HIS JOB – sharing the true-life stories of average, everyday people going to extraordinary lengths to help out other good people in need.
A few years ago, someone asked me whether I had any heroes. Answer: Fred Rogers (“Mr. Rogers”). He preached the values of kindness, empathy, and finding the good in every person. I even wrote about why I viewed him as my hero.
More recently, someone asked me to describe my ideal career. I’m retired but if I still wanted to be working, my ideal position would be Steve Hartman’s job. He literally has THE BEST JOB IN THE WORLD – well, okay maybe second after playing with pandas.
Who is Steve Hartman and what is his job? He’s a journalist for CBS News. Since 2011, he has hosted a weekly segment on the CBS Evening News called On the Road. His role is to share stories of good people helping other folks in need. I see his job as looking for evidence that angels are present among us and then going about to prove their existence in the form of extraordinarily selfless individuals – week after week after week.
You probably have never heard of any of the people Steve talks about in his stories. He sits down with janitors, middle school teachers, autistic kids, firefighters, bus drivers, elderly shut-ins, and people of all ages and backgrounds grappling with some of the challenges of life. Many are from middle- and lower-income families from the heartland of America. And in every story, he discovers everyday people doing incredibly magnanimous acts of kindness and compassion to help someone in their community who is trying, with difficulty, to find their place in the world.
Layla meets a real-life Cinderella at a wedding and the two have become best friends. From On the Road with Steve Hartman.
There is the story of Layla and Olivia. Layla was a five-year-old autistic girl who was afraid to talk to anyone other than immediate family. But she loved Cinderella. Then she met Cinderella in person one day in the park. It turned out that the person Layla thought was Cinderella was actually Olivia Sparks, a heavy equipment operator, who was wearing a white “princess” dress on her wedding day.
Layla thought Olivia was Cinderella, in her beautiful gown. And Olivia decided to play along – even though it was her wedding day. The two became fast friends, and Olivia eventually launched a Go-Fund-Me campaign to send Layla to meet “the real Cinderella” – at Disneyland.
Or the story of Wade Milyard, a retired police officer in Frederick, MD. While still a cop, he went to a homeless encampment, responding to a domestic dispute. He saw the worn and dirty clothes everywhere and asked the couple, “How do you do your laundry?”“We wash it in the creek,” they responded – a heavily polluted creek. This inspired him to purchase a truck and convert it into a traveling laundromat, which to this day he drives to homeless communities and does their laundry for free. He just wanted to do a small part to take some of the burden off the lives of people living in dire circumstances.
Eighth Grader Jarmarion Styles (#2 in the front row) was born with no hands and almost no arms. But the basketball coach let him join the team anyway. And then a miracle happened. From On the Road with Steve Hartman.
Or the story of Jamarion Styles, a fourteen-year-old boy from Boca Raton, FL, who kept getting rejected when he tried to play basketball in the playground with the other kids. Why? Because he didn’t possess hands. But he was determined to play, despite his disability. So, in eighth grade, he asked his middle school’s basketball coach to give him a tryout. The coach was so impressed by Jamarion’s relentless positivity and determination that he picked him for the team. And when he finally got a chance to play, he sank a three-pointer… and another three-pointer… at the buzzer – all thanks to a coach who believed in him.
Or the story of Francis Aproku, a custodian at James Madison High School in Vienna, VA. He had very little savings. But he worked tirelessly for years to save enough money to send some back to his family in Ghana. Several boys on the school’s football team became friends with Francis and casually asked him one day, “If you could have one thing that might seem impossible, what would it be?” He told them “a Jeep Wrangler” – never actually giving this pipe dream a second thought. Several months later, the boys had raised enough money to buy him the very car of his dreams. He was so overwhelmed by their kindness, he collapsed in tears of joy, in utter disbelief that people could be so kind.
Molly Schaeffer struggled with social anxiety disorder and isolated herself from all her classmates at high school. But eventually she found a remarkable way to make a connection – through painting portraits of her classmates. From On the Road with Steve Hartman.
Or the time Molly Schaeffer of Waunakee, WI decided to do something to overcome her emotionally crippling social anxiety disorder. Over the years, she had become increasingly isolated, all but invisible to most of her classmates. But rather than feel sorry for herself, she attempted to connect with her classmates in a most unusual way – by devoting over 600 hours painting 44 individual portraits of her classmates. She presented them her portraits at the end of the year, leaving all of them speechless, in awe of her talent and generosity. This began an entirely new chapter in her life, gaining new friendships she never had before.
Since 2011, Steve Hartman has produced several hundred On the Road segments, most of them about three minutes long. You can see some of them here. He has, to my mind, the greatest job in the world: meeting everyday people who have performed extraordinary acts of determination, selflessness, compassion, and love, to help others around them who are struggling. And he gets to share these inspirational stories with the world.
In preparing for this piece, I wanted to learn a little bit more about Steve Hartman the person. He has been married to his wife Andrea for 34 years (as of 2025). They live in Catskill, New York and have three children. One of them has autism. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Hartman was an Eagle Scout in high school. Friends who know Hartman well describe him as compassionate, authentic, and an exceptional storyteller who listens patiently and finds joy in life’s small moments. And every day, he gets to travel across America in search of angels among us, to share their remarkable stories and to remind us that if you look close enough, you just might discover that there are generous people doing good deeds all over the world.
It sounds like they found the perfect person to do this important work – the Best Job in the World.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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Kristi Noem, Homeland Security Secretary, and Stephen Miller, White House Deputy Chief of Staff announced the Trump Administration’s new policy to combat the rampant number of “acts of domestic terrorism.” No one should be concerned that this may impact them – so long as they have previously purchased a Trump watch, Trump sneakers, a Trump Bible, or invested at least $15,000 in Trump’s World Liberty Financial crypto coin.
Washington, D.C. — In an effort to reduce confusion, panic, and accidental freedom, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem and White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller held a joint press conference today to clarify what the Trump Administration now considers “an act of domestic terrorism.”
The clarification was deemed necessary after authorities recently determined that driving an SUV containing stuffed animals in the glove compartment and Cheerios in the back seat constituted “a rolling daycare of radicalism” and an imminent threat to law enforcement.
“Americans deserve clarity,” Miller said, standing in front of a giant banner that read IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, THEN GIVE US YOUR FACEBOOK PASSWORD. “People are nervous. They’re asking questions like, ‘Am I a terrorist?’ And we want to reassure them that yes – statistically speaking, many of you probably are.”
Miller explained that the new guidelines were designed to be “narrow, precise, and easy to understand,” while also allowing federal agents to respond swiftly to suspicious behaviors, vague vibes, disrespectful facial expressions, and anyone who “looks like they might be checking their TikTok feed during the national anthem.”
Under the newly clarified policy, the following activities fall within the carefully limited definition of “acts of domestic terrorism” and may result in immediate arrest, questioning, or being taken to the ground by a masked, bearded man in sunglasses and tactical pants:
Jaywalking — but only if you’re a resident of a blue state, a swing state, or a state that once voted blue in 1976 and hasn’t properly apologized.
Using a steak knife when a butter knife is clearly the appropriate culinary utensil, which Miller described as “cutlery extremism.”
Pausing too long before answering the question, “How great is America?”
Owning a reusable grocery bag, especially one with words like co-op, farmer, or save the planet, all of which are known Marxist trigger phrases.
Referring to January 6th as “an attempt to subvert the results of a fair election” instead of “a patriotic open-house tour filled with love, light trespassing, and artisanal zip ties.”
Having a foreign-sounding name, or any name that causes Tucker Carlson to squint.
Agatha Burns, a teacher at Crestline Elementary School in Gadsden, Alabama, is poisoning these impressionable 3rd graders with a deeply disturbing fake lesson about the “Gulf of Mexico.” She knows its correct name is “Gulf of America.” On the plus side, at least she has identified the correct location of this important American-owned sea.
Anyone named Mohammed, unless you are a crypto billionaire, UFC sponsor, or recently purchased TikTok.
Anyone who can locate Somalia on a map.
Any woman or minority hired or promoted within the past five years if there was a nearly-as-qualified white male available who “just needed one more chance.”
Driving an electric vehicle when there is a perfectly adequate gas-guzzling Chevy Blazer you could have purchased instead.
Kristi Noem then outlined offenses considered severe enough to warrant immediate deportation to an El Salvadoran torture camp – or, in less serious cases, a Mississippi Waffle House. These include posting any of the following nicknames mocking President Trump on social media:
Trumpoleon, The Incontinental Divider, Vladdy’s Boy, Mango Mussolini, Our Fondling Father, Don Whoreleone, Pumpkin-Spiced Stalin, Cheeto Benito, The Lyin’ King, Don the Con, Tangerine Toddler, Cheetolini, Teddy Dozevelt, Napoleon Bone-Aspur, Commander-in-Thief, Nostra-Dumbass, Donny Nappleseed, His MAGA-Sty, Donald Duck the Draft, Tannibal Lecter, or simply saying “Trump” in a tone that suggests disapproval.
Subscribing to The New York Times, even for the recipes, and especially for playing Wordle, which Noem described as “how revolutions start.”
Listening to NPR discuss DEI and saying at any point, “Wow. That sounds like a good thing.”
Watching Jimmy Kimmel monologues on YouTube and laughing approvingly to this unfunny, no-talent loser.
Demanding the release of the entire unredacted Epstein Files – Give it a rest. There’s nothing to see.
Canceling tickets to any performance at the DONALD J. TRUMP KENNEDY CENTER FOR FREEDOM AND LOYALTY since the name change.
Videotaping an ICE officer or confronting them with any of the following aggressive, terroristic behaviors:
Asking to see their badge
Asking them to remove their mask
Asking if they could remove their knee from your neck
Asking for directions to the nearest Whole Foods store
Noem also warned Americans to avoid “pre-crime indicators,” including but not limited to:
Accidentally referring to the Gulf of America by its former, treasonous name
Using words or phrases like hands off our healthcare, resist, or NO KINGS
Pointing out that Greenland technically belongs to Denmark, a (former) NATO ally and current buzzkill
Being “a fatty” (but only if you’re in the U.S. military)
Stephen Miller then announced that Pam Bondi’s Department of Justice will begin reviewing every citizen’s social-media history dating back to the 2016 election. “Any post, comment, emoji, or LIKE critical of President Trump, myself, Kristi Noem, Pam Bondi, Kash Patel, RFK Jr., or RFK Jr.’s brain worm will be flagged,” Miller said. “And by flagged, I mean sent directly to President Trump so he can personally attack you in one of his 100+ nightly Truth Social rage posts between midnight and 6 a.m.”
Additional acts now considered suspicious include googling “Can Trump legally do that?”, “When did our democracy die?” or “How is the economy doing now vs. under Biden?”. Not to mention anyone caught subscribing to Tim Jones’ View from the Bleachers.
This couple better hope ICE doesn’t catch them watching this show. Rachel Maddow and MS NOW (formerly MSNBC) is fake news intent on brainwashing us to believe Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion are good.
Citizens were also cautioned against displaying un-American tendencies such as wearing a mask when sick, getting vaccinated, explaining how tariffs are actually a tax on U.S. consumers, or making a protest sign of any kind – unless it is in praise of President Trump – and misspelled.
When asked if there were any actions that would result in immediate, non-appealable deportation, Noem responded without hesitation. “Yes. One specific action: Being caught committing an act of treason.”
When pressed to define treason, she clarified, “Anyone suspected of having voted for Obama, Biden, or Hillary – especially if you seem smug about it.”
Noem and Miller closed the press conference by encouraging Americans to remain calm, compliant, and constantly vigilant for any suspicious, terrorist-leaning behavior – especially by their adolescent children.
At press time, Homeland Security officials were reportedly investigating a Guatemalan woman for standing in line at Starbucks while quietly shaking her head at the latest menu prices.
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This year, I decided to let AI tell me what my New Year’s Goals should be. Not sure my AI program quite understood who it was dealing with (nor what I look like). I think it may have mistaken me for someone who possessed the best attributes of Gandhi, Neil Armstrong, and LeBron James.
I have always struggled to come up with meaningful yet achievable New Year’s resolutions. Mostly because I tend to aim for “dramatic life transformation” and end up achieving “naps with good intentions.”
I usually set the bar way too high and inevitably bail on my resolutions – though, to be fair, I almost always make it through most of January. Not early January. Late January. I’m not a quitter – I’m a lazy quitter. Which, frankly, deserves some sort of commemorative plaque.
As another new year loomed, I found myself staring into the abyss of January 1st with a level of lethargy best described as Olympic-caliber procrastination. The mere thought of commitment sent me curling into the fetal position, contemplating hibernation – ideally under three blankets, clutching a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (my favorite), while whispering, “I’ll circle back to this next year.”
One night, while deep in existential reflection (and aggressively side-eyeing a box of Krispy Kreme glazed donuts), I had what I believed was a stroke of genius: why not let artificial intelligence set my New Year’s resolutions for me? After all, these self-learning robots spend their days crunching massive amounts of data, the same way I crunch Doritos while binge-watching Ted Lasso. Clearly, we’re both problem solvers.
AI programs like ChatGPT are supposed to be brilliant, right? So, I sat down at my keyboard, watched a couple of hilarious cat videos to “mentally prepare,” and then summoned my digital assistant. I asked it to generate a list of New Year’s resolutions that would catapult me into a year of success and glory – mainly to impress my friends (both of them).
Within seconds, the AI bot spit out a list that, if I’m being honest, felt less like “personal goals” and more like a ransom note.
The first resolution? “Win the Olympic gold medal in Milano in the luge competition.”
Now, setting aside the fact that I’ve always considered myself more of a Giant Slalom guy, the idea of flying down an icy chute at almost 100 mph did sound thrilling. Actually, I’m not entirely certain what a luge is, but I believe it involves ice, speed, and muscles I stopped using during the Clinton administration. I maintain a long-standing policy of avoiding any activity that involves intense exertion – unless it’s cracking crab legs for dinner.
If “sliding gracefully through life on a couch” were an Olympic sport, I’d already be sponsored by Nike.
AI suggested as a goal for the new year that I “win the Nobel Peace Prize.” Okay, so I was able to get Tommy Miller and Hank Scott to stop hitting each other when we were all 8 years old by offering them each a ride on my Schwinn. Not sure that’s enough to net this award.
Next on the list: “Solve the war between Ukraine and Russia.”
Whoa. That feels a little outside my core competencies, which are, ranked in order: sleeping, eating, and patting kitties. International diplomacy did not crack my top 20 list of abilities.
I can barely negotiate who gets the last slice of pizza without someone storming off in anger. Tackling global conflict seems… ambitious.
Then came this gem: “Develop a cure for cancer.”
Fantastic. Here I am, lucky if I can cook a grilled cheese sandwich without setting off the smoke alarm, and the AI bot thinks I’m a candidate to crack one of the greatest medical mysteries of our time. Somewhere, Anthony Fauci just felt a chill.
And just when I thought the list couldn’t get any more detached from reality, the AI added: “Become the first person to set foot on Mars.”
Mars?! I’d settle for becoming the first person in my neighborhood to vacation in the Maldives. Did I miss the announcement where NASA started recruiting seventy-year-olds with bad knees, worse hearing, and a strong aversion to turbulence? I get nauseous on the Tilt-a-Whirl ride. I’m not exactly launch-pad material. Hell, I can barely handle economy seating, let alone zero gravity. And come to think of it, I thought Matt Damon already beat me to it.
After reviewing my AI-generated aspirations – each about as realistic as me being crowned the next King of Norway (though, at age 88, King Harald V could keel over any day now) – I realized some recalibration was needed.
So, I went back to ChatGPT and politely asked it to “dial back the ambitiousness.” Surely the smart robots could meet me halfway. Something manageable. Something attainable. Something like remembering to water my hydrangeas before they unionize.
The second list was… more grounded. And noticeably judgier.
The first resolution: “Try not to gain more than 10 pounds this year.”
Wow. Straight for the jugular. I could hear my bathroom scale silently snicker, “Good luck, buddy.” Ah yes, the classic “set the bar so low you can crawl over it” strategy. No, that wasn’t too humiliating.
Then: “Remember your wife’s birthday for once.”
Okay, I didn’t need the AI’s snarky tone here. But fair point. Honestly, I probably have a better chance of remembering what a luge is.
Next: “Call your mother more often.”
Which might worry my wife a little bit, given that my mom passed away five years ago. Either the AI missed a detail… or it’s suggesting some truly advanced paranormal communication technology.
It also recommended I “shower at least every other day.”
Hmmm. Bold. Aspirational. Possibly unrealistic. But I’m willing to take on a couple stretch goals.
Finally: “Eat more vegetables.”
When I tweaked my AI query to shoot for more realistic goals, it came back with “Mow your lawn at least once a month.” Okay, so that sounds like something I might be able to achieve – but only if my neighbors cheer me on to keep me from giving up.
I agreed – so long as french fries, ketchup, and popcorn continue to be defined as vegetables, as in the food pyramid from my childhood in the early 1960s.
Reviewing my revised AI-generated resolutions, I felt cautiously optimistic… and mildly humiliated. The goals were modest, achievable, and clearly written by an algorithm that thought I was in second grade.
Still, I’m committed to achieving at least 25% of them – through January. February is a whole different animal. I’m not Superman.
So, here’s to the new year! While I may not win Olympic gold, solve world peace, cure cancer, or colonize Mars, I probably can shower occasionally, remember an important birthday, and gain less weight than last year. And who knows? If I nail this admittedly low bar, maybe next year the AI Gods will upgrade the challenge level of my goals from “second grader” to “elementary school graduate.”
Baby steps.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to Google “luge” and reward myself with some Doritos.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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I knew it was a matter of time before this “Tim Jones” fellow would crack. As the lead detective on this case, I had to get to the bottom of how it was so many people were subscribing to his weekly humor blog when clearly the chump had no talent at all. It just didn’t add up.
THE SCENE: Pre-dawn on a rainy Sunday in the disheveled office of Detective Drake Marlboro of the Seattle Police Department, 9th Precinct. For the past 3 hours, Marlboro, a chain-smoking, grizzled, no-nonsense gumshoe has been interrogating a middle-aged man with no fashion sense by the name of Tim Jones.
Jones was picked up on suspicion of maliciously harassing innocent civilians by posting offensive commentary on the web about parenting, politics, and how many cats people should adopt, plus a long list of other lame topics. But something just didn’t add up. Detective Marlboro suspected Jones was holding back the truth. And so our story begins…
It was another dark and stormy night in Seattle. The clock on the wall read 3:04 am. And there Tim Jones sat – if that’s even his real name (sounded fishy to me) – sticking to his story that all he could be guilty of might be hackneyed writing. But there was a problem. The guy’s story just didn’t add up. I’ve been a detective for 30 years. I knew it was just a matter of time before he would spill the beans. I was going to crack this case before that snake Lieutenant Jaworski in Homicide could spell “collar.” I was sure I was close.
Jones was fidgeting with his plastic Casio watch – the guy had as much class as a cubic zirconium unicorn. He was looking confused and anxious, wanting desperately to flee the confines of the cold, windowless interrogation room so he could return to the cushy comfort of his suburban living room recliner and watch another episode of The Big Bang Theory he’d recorded on his DVR. Not tonight, fella. Not ‘til I get some answers.
I offered him a cup of coffee. “Thanks, but I don’t drink coffee. Do you happen to have any Diet Mountain Dew?” he asked a little too eagerly. What law-abiding adult in Seattle doesn’t drink coffee – and asks for a teenager’s soft drink instead? Now I knew he was a two-faced liar. I was done playing “good cop,” waiting for his innocent, deer-in-the-headlights façade to crack. This had gone on long enough. It was time to tighten the screws. I lit another smoke.
“So let me get this straight. You’re telling me that thousands of readers from all across the country willingly subscribe to your weekly humor blog? Is that your story? How? I want answers, and I want ‘em NOW,” I barked as I pounded my fist on the one-way mirror, behind which Lt. Jaworski was watching, no doubt taking notes on how he could steal this case from me. What a frickin’ snake, that Jaworski.
“I’m just as confused as you are, Sergeant Marlboro. Have you actually read any of my stuff?
“That’s DETECTIVE Marlboro, fella…”
“Sorry, Detective. I mean, I’m just as mystified as you are as to why anybody would read my weekly rants. Even my wife begged me to stop writing years ago, but I just can’t seem to stop myself. It’s a sickness.”
“Sickness, eh? Well, I’m sick of your lying to me, goddammit.” I glared at him, as he awkwardly shifted his legs on the rusty metal fold-out chair. I took another puff on my Camel filter and blew a charcoal wave of smoke in his face. “Sure. Whatever you say, pal. I got all night.”
Jones pleaded, “What are you charging me with, Marlboro? Is it a crime to write lame humor, officer?”
“The way you write, it sure as Hell is,” I growled back. “And for the last time, it’s Detective, you little weasel.”
This Jones fellow was such a loser. After two hours of my dogged interrogation, he refused to answer any more questions until I agreed to give him back his favorite teddy bear Sparkles, to cuddle with. Pathetic. Just pathetic.
By now Jones was nervously twisting his wedding ring, no doubt coming to the realization that his humor writing was nothing short of criminal – or at the very least a misdemeanor. So how was it he got away with writing this crap for the past sixteen years without being shut down by the Feds? I needed to crack this case and fast – Jaworski was ready to pounce.
But what was Jones’ angle? For the money? Hell, no. This dude wasn’t that clever. I could tell from the fact he wore white socks with his Teva sandals. Now, that’s a crime in itself!
Another hour crept by, like a filthy rat creeping around a dank, dark sewer for, well, about an hour. I started in on my second pack of Camels. “Don’t you find it strange that so many people have tried to unsubscribe from your weekly tome only to keep getting your posts week after week?”
“I’m not sure I would call it a ‘tome’, Detective. I’d say it’s more of an ‘essay.’”
“Don’t get smart with me, chum,” I snarled. I wasn’t buying his ‘Mr. Innocent’ routine. So I grabbed a copy of his latest piece and began to read. What I read next confounded me:
“It was another dark and stormy night in Seattle. The clock on the wall read 3:04 am. And there Tim Jones sat – if that’s even his real name – sticking to his story that all he could be guilty of might be bad writing. But there was a problem. The guy’s story just didn’t add up.”
I had this sudden eerie sense of déjà vu. Then I looked back up at the top of this page and saw. He was stealing my story for his blog, the little conniving bastard.
Jones continued to fidget with his Batman secret decoder ring – the one he claimed he got at the dentist last week for having no cavities. “Like I’ve told you five times, Detective Marlboro, I have no idea why you’re keeping me here. I just like to write. Is it my fault that I’m not very good at it? Who am I hurting?”
“Me for one, you little putz,” I shouted. “Reading your crap is like being forced to drink my own urine.”
“Really? That bad, eh?”
“Worse. Ain’t you got no compassion for the innocent kids who might stumble upon your blog?”
“Actually, the expression is, “Have you no compassion. ‘Ain’t you got no’ is not a grammatical – “
That chump owes me a frickin ’apology – for wasting the past five goddamn hours of my life. He kept droning on about his favorite articles. “Stop,” I screamed. “Not another word. Just shut your trap!” This guy was really getting on my nerves. He had to be lying. Nobody could possibly write such inane drivel week after week, year after year and not go insane. And who the freak wears shorts on a rainy night in March? What a loser.
I decided to read a couple of his posts just to be sure I wasn’t missing an important clue. I could barely stomach the first piece called Lessons in Bonding. He was killing me with this stream-of-consciousness bull crap. I looked away from his annoyingly chirpy grin. Dawn was slithering in like… like something that slithers… in the dawn.
The drivel pounding on my brain was as unrelenting as the drizzle pounding on the roof. I looked at his Casio. It blinked 6:47am. We’d been at this for over six hours. But instead of cracking, he just kept on reciting an endless list of his favorite posts – from always lying to your kids, to his sports-impaired wife. I was on my 7th cup of lukewarm Joe, and this goober was still rambling mindlessly on. One of his posts even warned me to not to let my dishwasher destroy my marriage. The guy was a numskull, though on that last one, he had a point.
I finally decided that as criminal as his humor writing was, no one was more a victim of his crimes against humanity than himself. I put out my last Camel, blew the smoke in his face and sneered at this turkey. “Get outta here, ya’ punk. I guess I can’t charge you with anything – yet. And maybe I can’t stop you from writing this crap. But for the love of Pete, please do me one favor.”
“What’s that, Detective?”
“Get yourself a goddamn editor. This week’s piece is way too long!”
I thought that was the end of this story. But the very next week, I got an email inviting me to check out his latest blog piece – called The Interrogation. Sounded fishy. Some twisted fiend must have added me to Jones’ humor blog subscriber list. And I’m pretty sure I know the slime dog who would have signed me up. Goddamn Lieutenant Jaworski. That dirty rotten scoundrel.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it aLikeorsharing this post on Facebook.
