According to the CDC, there is yet another new COVID variant – and it’s more contagious than any previous strain. But there is still a chance you could avoid it – and by “a chance,” I mean about the same odds as you getting picked up to be a starting pitcher for the New York Yankees.
Remember back in early March 2020 when “coronavirus” sounded like the name of a fancy craft beer from Portland? Ah, the innocence. Since then, we’ve collectively learned that this microscopic party crasher simply refuses to leave – like that irritating neighbor who is always coming by to borrow something. (Last time, he borrowed your lawnmower and returned it with no gas and a suspicious new rattle.)
But don’t worry. Medical experts, who always have the most encouraging news, assure us the latest strain is even more contagious than ever before. In fact, every strain since the original version (Alpha) back in March 2020 has bragged about being the most contagious ever, like a relentless viral version of “hold my beer.”
Meet the Newest Variant: COVID-X Ultra Deluxe Super Spreader Edition
According to leading scientists, this month’s variant, COVID-X Ultra Deluxe Super Spreader Edition is so contagious that you don’t even have to be in the same zip code to catch it. Simply reading this article has statistically increased your odds of infection by 12%. It is so contagious that merely saying the latest variant’s name out loud bumps up your chances of getting it to 25%. Try not to sneeze while reading or you’ll likely infect everyone on your block party list.
“Each new strain mutates to spread faster,” explained Dr. Ned Worrymore, Chief Panic Officer at the National Institute of Unpleasant Surprises. “If the original virus was like a Tinder date, the current version is more like a speed dating event at a college dorm – except everyone leaves sick.”
Latest Official Advice on How to Stay Safe (Good Luck)
To stay COVID-free, the CDC now recommends the following:
- Never leave your house.
- Never open your windows.
- Never inhale near anything that has a pulse.
- Wear an N95 mask underneath a surgical mask underneath a ski mask underneath a beekeeper suit. Bubble wrap is optional.
- Only eat food that has been disinfected with hand sanitizer.
- Boil all your food until it is completely devoid of anything remotely resembling flavor.
- If you must communicate, do so through interpretive dance viewed via drone footage from at least half a mile away.
Following the above practical guidelines will reduce your risk by almost 7%.
This man is taking no chances when it comes to catching COVID. He’s had it three times so far. Not sure his idea to wrap himself head-to-toe in bubble wrap was the best idea – especially after those five beers he just consumed watching the game. Uh oh…
What To Do If (We mean WHEN) You Get COVID (AGAIN)
Let’s face it – if you’re human, have nostrils, or once watched a YouTube video of someone coughing, you’re probably going to catch it again. And again. And again. But don’t lose hope. The next time probably won’t be nearly as bad as the last time. Here’s the official procedure if, er, when you get it again:
- Stay home for 5 – 10 days – longer if you really hate your job.
- Inform your spouse you are too sick to do any housework… for at least the next four months.
- Send a text notification to everyone you came within 500 feet of in the last 72 hours. Avoid communicating with them in person, unless they’re an annoying person who you secretly hope will catch the virus, too.
- Inhale enough chicken soup to drown a mid-sized horse.
- Eat as much ice cream as you’d like. It won’t actually help stave off the virus, but it’s always nice to have an excuse to scarf down Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia or Americone Dream.
The good news? When you catch COVID for the tenth time, the CDC will send you a free year’s supply of decorative masks featuring funny sayings like “I’m Not Social Distancing because of COVID. I Just Don’t Like You” and “What Doesn’t Kill Me Mutates And Tries Again.”
What Does the Future Hold? (Are You Sure You Want to Know?)
Experts warn that next year’s variant is projected to be so infectious that satellite photos of infected people will transmit the virus through your Wi-Fi. Side effects may include coughing, existential dread, an irrational fear of clocks, and the urge to sign up for the new Trump Mobile phone service (don’t do it).
Your Only Remaining Safe Option
If you really want to avoid coming down with COVID again, you could relocate to a safer region, like Antarctica. It’s had almost no cases of COVID recently. But if you come here, you might want to pack cold-weather clothes. And leave your pickleball gear at home.
Given that every few months brings a new variant more contagious than the previous one, if you seriously want to avoid any risk of getting COVID again, then, statistically speaking, your best bet is to relocate to North Korea – the only country on Earth that insists it has never had a single case. Hope you like watching military parades and chanting loudly at rallies to demonstrate your loyalty to your new leader, Kim Jong Un. He seems like a nice fellow.
Also, you won’t be able to access Facebook there, so in a way, that’s a plus. Of course, you may never be allowed to leave again. But hey, at least you’ll dodge the next 37 hyper-contagious variants scientists are already naming after Greek letters they haven’t even invented yet.
Stay safe, stay distant, and remember: if you’re reading this, you’re probably already infected. (This article was carelessly written using a font especially vulnerable to spreading the virus. Sorry.) But look on the bright side – you now have an excuse to get out of going to that birthday party for your neighbor’s annoying seven-year-old princess named Maddie. They really do spoil that kid, I must say.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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