Welcome back to the thrilling conclusion of my true, unedited story about my fleeting friendship with an Internet Scammer named Mr. Chris. If you missed the last week’s Part I, you can get caught up here. If you were with us last week, you know that it all started when I received the following unusual email in my SPAM mail folder.

From: kelvin chris

To: (this field was left blank)

Subject: Order Urgent

Hello.  Am Mr. Kelvin Chris and will like to place an order regarding some bleachers from your company to Latvia. What is their price ranges, also your terms of payment as well. hope you answer to my request ASAP. Thank you very much and waiting for your prompt responds. God Bless You.

Best Regards
Mr. Chris

______________________________

I would now like to let you in on a little secret – come in close…. closer… Psst: I don’t actually sell bleachers. It’s a humor blog. View from the Bleachers is a metaphor.

But Mr. Chris wanted to engage me in a bit of Internet commerce with terms most favorable to him. So I could not help but have a little fun by playing along. I never thought he would actually respond back to me after my ridiculously satirical reply. But he did. Oh yes.

As I mentioned last week, I wanted to see how long I could string out a conversation with my newfound Scammer friend, Mr. Chris. So I adopted the persona of a stupid, trusting, naïve and uneducated small business immigrant entrepreneur of undetermined ethnicity who can barely construct a coherent thought and has a serious issue with Mexicans. In reality, I have absolutely no issue with Mexicans, of course. It’s just the persona I adopted to engage in my email dialogue with Mr. Chris and egg him on.

If you want to get caught up by reading last week’s Part I, you can get caught up here. 

Otherwise, let’s proceed to Day Five of my fleeting friendship with an Internet Scammer. – TEJ

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Day Five

From: kelvin chris

To: Tim Jones – View from the Bleachers
Subject: re: Photos of bleachers we build special for you

Timothy.

Hello, Thank you for feedback also i do appreciate your chat. I need pink and the shiny steel. My billing address and info for invoicing is 1494 Union Ave, San Clemente, CA 92101.

(Tim’s note: Notice below how suddenly, magically Mr. Chris’ writing skills and grasp of the English language have miraculously improved in mid-email – and he changes his name from Mr. Kelvin Chris to Chris Lee. He is a quick learner of English!)

I just had an unexpected development and had to come on a trip and will be very busy throughout my trip. I will however go ahead with my order and will call today to pay for the order. Unfortunately because of my trip, I wouldn’t be at home in California to receive my order.

So I want you to contact the Succeed Global logistics at: jce_shipping@quickership.com (Tim’s note: No website exists for “Succeed Global” and the email address routes to a domain called shipsucceed.com, which is also bogus) and give them the weight of the order and your address for pick up and request a shipping quote from them to ship my order from your pick up address to my clients address below. Get back to me ASAP when you get a shipping quote from them so that I can call to pay for my order today. Thank you and waiting to hear from you.

Ship to

206 Lacplesa Street,
Apt 7, Riga,
Latvia LV 1021

Regards,
Chris Lee

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Day Six

From: Tim Jones – View from the Bleachers

To: Mr. Chris

Subject: Mr. Chris, we start work on bleachers now – how you want to pay?

Okay Dokay, Mr. Chris. I go tell Jorge and boys to start work on you bleachers today. He need to go to store – get new hammer – it broke – must be from Mexico. Ha, Ha. I no like Mexico tools either. Like a birdie, they cheep cheep. Get it? Soon as Jorge back, he get team to work on special Latvia outside door bleachers snap snap.

Good choice on bleachers – shiny ones our number one seller. You say you like pink! Yippy Skippy. My favorite too. I save you $500 for to choose pink just because I like you. You smart business man, I can tell.  You must be rich business man too with house in Cafilornia (hope I not mispel) and Latvia. Which place you like more?

Like you tell me do, I contact Suceeed Global now to give weight. I tell them weight for 50 shiny pink bleachers but I tell you too – they weigh 685 pound – that 311 Kilogram for you. You wish I ship it in pounds or kilograms? Oh, almost forgot – free cup holders – add 15 pounds extra for cup holders – that 15.5 kilograms.

You bleachers already by Monday, June 14 – I guaranty you no have to wait any more than that. Suceeed Global truck pick up at our main factory here

View from the Bleachers Incorporated

World Headquarters

14655 Skybox Blvd

Fort Myers, FL 33912

Attention: Mr. Tim

We open Monday – Saturday, 8am – 6pm but please ring door bell many time. Maybe yell real loud too so we know you there. Big factory – lots of noise. Our reception girl Juanita give birth last week to another baby boy – she not back to work for whole two week so she not hear knock on door. Factory very noisy with all those hammers banging shiny steel so tell truck driver buzz or yell loud, okay?

Hey, Mr. Chris. Want see pictures of our factory?  I very proud of our big bleacher assembly plant. Here is photo from outdoor side – main entrance is just out of picture to left – look for big pink sign say “View from the Bleachers – Main Entrance. No sit on bleachers.”

And below is photo from inside factory – it show our main bleacher press unit. That machine cost me $1 million and one marriage. Ha Ha! Just kidding. More America humor. Lots more where that come from.  See man on right? That Jorge – he my foreman. Work very hard. He from Cuba. All Cuban work most hard – unlike some countries but I not say which ones (but rhyme with “Lexico”).

How you want pay for bleachers? Want mail certify check? Or want I give bank account number to wire to me? That work good. You pay snap snap and save because today my birthday.

Have safe trip. I must to go and start banging with the boys. Have you shiny pink steel bleachers ready in no time.

Bye Bye

–       Mr. Tim

Tim Jones

https://z2i.cfe.myftpupload.com

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Day Seven

From: Tim Jones – View from the Bleachers

To: Mr. Chris

Subject: Mr. Chris, Bleachers going good – Almost done. You pay now, okay?

Hey, Mr. Chris. How you doing today?  Hope you have safe fly to Calfornia. (I have trouble with that name). Anyway, you ready we do deal now? Bleachers coming along very nice. You be so happy when you see. You will want to put them in you living room they so good. I have row of bleachers in my kitchen at home – I have large family.

Hey, want to wire me money soon? I happy to give you bank account for you wire dollars to me snap snap. Which bank you want. I have many bank – one in Panama, one in El Salvador, one in Brazil and one in Grand Cayman Islands. But none in Mexico. I let you figure out why. Ha ha! Just joke. But serious, no bank in Mexico – ever! Don’t trust them.

Which bank you want? Or you prefer send certify check to our headquarter in Ft. Myers, FL? Don’t forget photo ID, okay?  Till then, I keep banging with the boys. Pretty soon, you be proud owner of shiniest pinkest bleachers in all of Latvia. Russians no have bleachers like you will get. That a fact.

Talk soon, okay?  In meantime, I go back to work. Must keep getting hammered with Jorge. Tonight I party with boys because today my birthday.

Mr. Tim

Tim Jones

https://z2i.cfe.myftpupload.com

________________________

Day Eight

From: Tim Jones – View from the Bleachers

To: Mr. Chris

Subject: Mr. Chris, Hey, anybody home? Bleachers ready. You pay now, okay?

Greetings, Mr. Chris.

Happy news! I please to announce pink shiny bleachers for you now ready – TA DA – all done! Just in time for my birthday today. Want see bleachers preview? I take picture. Here you see peak-a-boo sneak view:

What you think? Pink enough for you? By tomorrow, bleachers be packed in giant crate – have big note say “Hold for Mr. Chris, Riga City, Latvia”.

Driver just to ask for Jorge. He my foreman. Look for guy with tattoo on back of neck that read “I eat Vegetarians”. Here picture of Jorge. (Right) Jorge get team help load bleachers on truck. But come quick quick – before someone else snap up your bleachers. Just kidding. But not safe neighborhood. Lots of Mexicans. But no worry. No one steal you bleachers –  My foreman Jorge kill them if try. Nobody mess with him. He always packing heat.

Hey, which bank you want for to wire payment? Panama, Brazil, Grand Cayman? I recommend Grand Cayman Bank – have very nice teller. Ask for Brenda. She so funny. She really hold her vodka too. This week only Grand Cayman Bank also give free toaster with deposit over $1000. Good deal. Act now.

Hope to meet you soon, Mr. Chris. Maybe I take trip to Riga and you take me to tour Rigatoni factory, yes? I love Rigatoni – did I mention?

Lets do more business, Mr. Chris. Christmas season not far away. You know what? Bleachers make great Christmas gift for whole family too. Nothing say “Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus” like red and green shiny bleachers, I say.

Nice to do business with you, Mr. Chris. Can we be pen pal?

Bye Bye. Write soon.

–       Mr. Tim

Tim Jones

https://z2i.cfe.myftpupload.com

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Day Nine

From: Tim Jones – View from the Bleachers

To: Mr. Chris

Subject: Mr. Chris, Why not you write back? Come get you bleachers

Hey, Mr. Chris, Several days, I no hear back of you. You angry with me? Not make bleachers shiny enough? Not make pink enough?

Cup holder on wrong side? Want left side instead of right? I fix snap snap. Did Grand Cayman Bank not give you free toaster? I call Brenda bank teller and fix this.

What I do wrong? You not Mexican by any chance, are you?  Uh oh. If so, I not mean things I say.

Please write back. When you pay for bleachers? I can do special for you lay-away plan. Tell me when you want pick up.

I hope you okay and still want be pen pals. I miss to hear from you. I no sell your bleachers to anybody else. Honest. Write back please. Today my birthday. Not happy though.

Bye Bye. Write soon.

–       Mr. Tim

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Sadly, I never heard from Mr. Chris again. He just stopped corresponding. My guess is that he found a cheaper price on bleachers in Mexico – that bastard. Or maybe I pressed just a little bit too hard for the close. I was really starting to bond with Mr. Chris. He seemed like such a nice fellow for an Internet scammer, and he really started to master English there towards the end of our friendship.

Oh sure, I will send him a Christmas card to his address in Latvia or Nigeria or China or wherever Mr. Chris’ cubicle and his employer’s Internet scam operation are located. But will he email me back? I kind of doubt it.

Oh and one more thing – if you happen to know anybody who would like a screaming deal on 50 pink, shiny bleachers, please have them give me a call. I’ll make them the bestest special deal in world because today’s my birthday. Honest. I would not lie about that.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

Click here if you wish to read Part I of this story. How it all started….

PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook. 

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2010 – 2011