BREAKING NEWS: Trump Unveils Bold Plan to Rename Federal Agencies (Because “Defense” and “Education” Sound Too Boring)
President Trump announced today several new name changes to key federal agencies, including changing the name of the IRS (Internal Revenue Service) to the BTC (Billionaire Tax Cuts) Service.
By Tim Jones – View from the Bleachers Washington Bureau
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unprecedented announcement that has left political observers, foreign leaders, and late-night talk show hosts stunned, President Trump revealed his latest plan to Make America Great Again: renaming nearly every major agency of the federal government.
“Look, folks, we have some really weak names for our government agencies. Very weak. Nobody likes them. They’re losers,” Trump told reporters in the recently paved-over Rose Garden. “Since I’m going to be president for at least the next 12 years, I’ve decided we need to give these departments tremendous, powerful new names. Strong names. Names you’ll love. People are saying it’s the best idea since Trump Airlines.”
This follows his recent decree to officially rebrand the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America (“because Mexico already has Cancun – why do they get a gulf too? So unfair!”) and his insistence that the Department of Defense be renamed the Department of War (“much stronger – people respect War, and it’s easier to spell than Defents”).
Here are highlights from Trump’s official renaming plan, which, according to aides, he brainstormed at Mar-a-Lago while watching a Tucker Carlson podcast as he downed Diet Cokes and a bucket of KFC chicken:
Department of Energy → Department of Oil Drilling and Coal Extraction
“Solar and wind? Total disasters. Nobody likes them. I like oil. I like coal. Big, beautiful, clean coal,” Trump declared. “This department will focus on the stuff that makes your truck go vroom-vroom. Not those ugly, stupid windmills that have wiped out 80% of our bird population. Sad!”
Department of the Treasury → Department of Cryptocurrency and Meme Coins
Trump explained, “The dollar is old news. People are saying Dogecoin is the future. PepeCoin is big. Trump Bucks – even bigger.” Treasury staffers expressed concern. One analyst whispered, “Does this mean my pension will be paid in $TRUMP coins?”
Department of Education → Department of Anti-Woke Christian Home Schooling
“We don’t need to teach kids math, science, or history,” Trump said. “They need the important things: how to say Merry Christmas, how to say no to vaccines, and how to spot an immigrant who doesn’t belong here.”
Department of Justice → Department of Retribution
“For too long, our FBI and Law Enforcement have been wasting time investigating and prosecuting me. Now that I’m in charge, that crap is over. I’m going to make sure they focus on going after the real criminals: anyone I don’t like,” Trump announced. “First order of business: I’ve ordered Pam Bondi to immediately investigate anybody who has ever posted a negative comment about me on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter, starting with Mexicans, trans people, and Rosie O’Donnell.”
Department of Transportation → Department of Limos and Private Jets
“Nobody I know uses public transportation. Trains? What year is it, 1872? And buses are for losers and homeless people,” Trump declared. “This department will focus on “what real Americans want: gold-plated limos, bigger private jets, and rocket ships with Trump logos on the side.” Elon Musk, reached for comment, tweeted: “I’m in. Can we call it SpaceLimo?”
While not yet official, Trump indicated there is pressure from many Republicans in Congress to rename Mount Rushmore Mount MAGA – just as soon as the addition of his likeness has been completed. (This is an artist’s rendering of what it may look like.)
Department of the Interior → Department of Luxury Hotels and Golf Resorts
Forget national parks. Yosemite will become a luxury resort with “the classiest 36-hole golf course you’ve ever seen.” Old Faithful will be renamed Trump Towering Geyser, erupting to the theme song from The Apprentice. A disgruntled Park Ranger in Yellowstone was overheard saying, “I didn’t sign up to sell spa packages.”
Department of Health and Human Services → Department of Anti-Vax Protection
“Fauci tried to kill our country. Now it’s RFK’s turn,” Trump said. “We’re going to cure everything with bleach injections, UV lamps, and ivermectin. HHS Secretary RFK Jr. nodded approvingly, adding, “Eliminating vaccine mandates and requiring every child to drink at least five quarts of raw, unpasteurized milk daily will quickly solve our health crisis.”
Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms → Department of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Thoughts & Prayers
“We have a major problem with gun violence in this country,” Trump boldly explained. “And we all know the reason: too many violent video games, the woke liberal media, Black Lives Matter protestors, and not nearly enough bulletproof vests for our children. I will sign an executive order requiring every teacher, minister, and casino blackjack dealer to be armed with an AR-15. I’ve ended 10 wars, so this will be easy-peasy.”
Department of Labor → Department of Welfare Frauds Too Lazy to Work
Trump explained, “This department will motivate lazy people. Don’t like your job? Tough luck. Complain about it? You’re fired. Unemployed and unwilling to look for a job? You’re deported.” A senior level Labor Department official explained that all unemployment offices will be closed, with a sign placed on the front door that reads, “Get a job, loser.”
Trump went on to hint that renaming federal agencies is just the beginning. A few of his other naming improvements he is contemplating include:
Mount Rushmore → Mount MAGA (with his own head added “bigger than Lincoln, with better hair”)
The Grand Canyon → The Huge, Bigly Hole in the Ground (Trump plans to make the Colorado River, which runs through the canyon, more raging than ever by diverting into it all the water from California.)
The White House → Mar-a-Lago North (with a soon-to-be installed casino and spa)
Trump continues to sign executive orders at a frenetic pace. In this image, he displays a recent EO in which he proclaimed that the 4th of July holiday will henceforth be renamed “Trump Saved America Day.”
As for Trump’s plans to rename the White House, Russian President Putin expressed disappointment, saying, “Donald, I was kind of hoping you’d rename the White House ‘Kremlin West.’ Is that too much to ask, given I’m your boss, not to mention your closest comrade – now that Epstein’s gone?”
Trump also announced plans to do an extreme makeover of the Statue of Liberty, replacing Lady Liberty’s face with Melania’s. Asked why, Trump said, “Melania is way better looking. Lady Liberty is at best a 7.”
Trump ended the press conference by proclaiming, “People are saying I should rename America itself. Who even knows why it’s called ‘America’ anyway? People are demanding I change our country’s name to Big, Beautiful Trumpistan. Very catchy. Very popular. Everyone loves it.”
Preliminary polling by Fox News suggests overwhelming support for all of these name changes.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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As the vast majority of American agree (and Donald Trump routinely reminds us), he’s the greatest president since Abraham Lincoln, the most brilliant military strategist since General Patton, and the most beloved, gracious international statesman since Benjamin Franklin.
According to polls conducted by Trump University, Trump’s popularity as president has shattered all previous records. In the past six months, everyday Americans have signaled their overwhelming approval of his brilliant chess game-like on-again-off-again tariffs, daily ICE deportation raids on elementary schools, dismantling of the totally useless Department of Education, de-funding of the radical leftwing Corporation for Public Broadcasting, pushing to remove permanently all Palestinians from Gaza so he can turn it into a Trump waterfront golf resort for rich American and European tech bros, and so many other gobsmacking, um, achievements.
Canadians are demanding to be added as our 51st state, insisting Trump choose them ahead of Greenland, Panama, and Vatican City. Every day our glorious leader furiously bangs out more than 50 inspirational ALL CAPS Truth Social posts (slightly fewer on the three days a week he typically reserves for golf).
His administration is staffed with the most dedicated team of professional sycophants of any presidential administration in history, from his genius pick of oft-times sober Pete Hegseth as Defense Secretary to vaccine denialist RFK Jr for Health and Human Services Secretary. Every day our widely respected president, who is adored by world leaders (from Putin to Kim Jong Un) works tirelessly from the time he gets out of bed at 11am until almost 2pm to focus on the needs of the average American (by which he means any Caucasian male with a net worth of $15 million or greater).
Here is just a small sampling of the president’s latest bold proclamations (to distract his supporters and critics), along with the glowingly positive reaction from his devoted followers:
President Trump announced this week that he will block the Washington Commanders football team’s efforts to build a new stadium in DC unless they agree to his demands to change the name back to the Redskins, which, according to his own internal polling, 97% of Native Americans think is a fabulous idea. His MAGA supporters love this idea too, with one person rave-tweeting, “The thing about changing the team’s name back to the Redskins is that … Donald Trump is on the Epstein list!!”
Recently, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu announced his plans to nominate President Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize (presumably for his decision to bomb the crap out of Iran – just after they safely removed all the uranium and the centrifuges from the places that were bombed). A Republican Trump supporter in Mississippi enthusiastically gave this idea two thumbs up, saying, “The only thing that could make this news any better is to finally once and for all release all the Epstein Files.”
Trump’s Department of Homeland Security announced, under Trump’s directive, that they will now start deporting anybody who has a Spanish-sounding accent (with the exception of Antonio Banderas) and will expand plans to build more Alligator Alcatraz facilities at middle schools throughout the nation. Rightwing white supremacist podcaster Nick Fuentes praised this decision, adding, “What are you hiding, Donald? Release the Epstein Files once and for all.”
At a recent press briefing Trump convincingly explained there was nothing in the Epstein files of importance. Just boring stuff. But if anything incriminating about him turns up, then it’s all fake news deviously plotted by Joe Biden in an attempt to destroy America. Everybody felt that his explanation addressed all their concerns.
Last week, in response to a reporter’s question about Artificial Intelligence, Trump explained at length how his uncle John Trump was a brilliant professor at MIT and even had Ted Kaczynski (AKA the Unabomber) as a student. Despite the fact that Kaczynski went to Harvard, not MIT, Trump was lauded by conservative media outlets for his creative storytelling, with one commentator adding, “For years you told us you’d get to the bottom of the Epstein cover-up. And now you are telling us there never were any files. Release the goddamn Epstein Files. All of them.”
Trump also announced recently that he is thinking about deporting Rosie O’Donnell and hinted that he wants California Senator Adam Schiff, one of the lead prosecutors on the January 6th Committee, executed for treason. At a rally in support of Trump’s comments, hundreds of vocal Trump loyalists held up signs reading, “STOP THE COVERUP! RELEASE THE EPSTEIN FILES!”
Trump also is receiving overwhelming praise for the passage of his Big Beautiful Bill, which among other things will result in loss of Medicaid healthcare coverage for over 11 million Americans and cause over 22 million struggling families to lose some or all of their SNAP (food stamps) benefits. With almost universal support, according to recent Trump Administration polling, thousands of Americans on Medicaid recently cheered his bold new legislation, explaining, “The only reason Trump could possibly have to shut down the FBI investigation into the Epstein Files is that he’s in it, and it’s really, really bad.”
A news story came out recently stating that Attorney General Pam Bondi has ordered the FBI to assign 1,000 personnel on 24-hour shifts to mine over 100,000 Epstein-related records for anyreference to Trump’s name. “Clearly, this is something you would only do if you knew Trump’s name was going to show up over and over, and you planned to delete all these references to avoid criminal prosecution,” said an enthusiastic longtime Trump supporter, as they tossed their red MAGA baseball cap and gold Trump sneakers into a burning dumpster.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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Has this ever happened to you? You’re channel surfing to see what’s on TV and just about everywhere you look, the screen is filled with images of Trump ranting about how terrible everything is and how only he can fix it.
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Or you’re just thumbing through TikTok and the next thing that pops up on your phone is Trump with his co-president Elon Musk explaining to Fox News how he’s going to reduce everyone’s grocery bill by implementing 25% tariffs on all foreign-produced food items. Huh?
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PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it aLikeorsharing this post on Facebook.
(FOX NEWS) President-Elect Trump is wasting no time assembling his cabinet. He has already announced several bold appointments, including Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as Secretary of Health and Human Services, Fox News weekend host Pete Hegseth as Secretary of Defense, and Tulsi Gabbard as Director of National Intelligence and Russian Public Relations. Trump has proudly taken credit for choosing the most diverse cabinet of white men in modern history.
The President-Elect has also named Matt Gaetz to become the next Attorney General. That said, this selection has been met with a few minorconcerns from a tiny fringe group of leftwing radical democrats opposed to the idea of Congressmen with a history of sex trafficking underage girls at cocaine-fueled rage parties being considered for the top law enforcement job in the country.Some people have such ridiculously high standards.
In the remote chance Gaetz fails to get confirmed or withdraws his name from consideration, there is growing speculation Trump may shift to his backup choice, Hannibal Lector, to whom rank-and-file Republicans have already given two enthusiastic thumbs up, making the case that he’d make a fascinating dinner guest.
In his selection process, Trump has devised a unique, rigorous, three-pronged set of requirements: 1) Has he seen the candidate on TV? 2) Have they publicly and repeatedly gushed excessive, obsequious praise of Trump? And 3) Do they lack any prior relevant experience for the job? Unless the answer to all three questions is a resounding YES, they won’t be considered.
Fox News has learned that in the upcoming week Trump plans to announce several additional bold picks for key roles within his administration. Here are a few names he is widely expected to name to his cabinet…
Secretary of Agriculture – Jake from State Farm. Apparently unaware that State Farm is not an actual farm, Mr. Trump has praised Jake from State Farm for being great on TV and for being a “nice-looking black guy.” He went on to add, “I love the blacks, and the blacks love me.”
Secretary of Oil and Fracking (formerly the Energy Department) – Trump has hinted that the inside track for this important cabinet post goes to J.R. Ewing, former CEO of Ewing Oil until Dallas was cancelled in 1991. Ewing has a well-earned reputation for ruthless business practices, including bribery, blackmail, and brutally crushing his opponents. Ewing is known for being vengeful, a womanizer, and oblivious to the needs of anyone around him. “And those are just a few of the reasons he’d make a great addition to my team,” beamed Trump.
CIA Director – Vladimir Putin. “Nobody knows more about Russia and how to spy than my pal Vlad,” Trump told a press gathering. “I talk to Vlad sometimes three times a day. So, he’s really tapped into our intelligence situation like nobody I know. And I’m sure he and Tulsi will get along famously since they agree on just about everything, so that’s a big plus.”
Surgeon General – Dr. Phil. “Is Dr. Phil an actual medical doctor? Hell if I know. But if he’s good enough for Oprah, he’s good enough for me,” Trump told a gathering of sycophants at Mar-A-Lago. “But he really should get a toupee. I know a guy,” Trump added..
Trump, in an effort to Make America Great Again, plans to announce several brand new cabinet-level posts. Here are a few of the new departments Trump plans to unveil:
Secretary of Trans(De)portation – Trump announced this new cabinet-level department – which will replace the Department of Transportation. The primary function of this agency will be to identify transgender individuals and have them deported and banned from all high school sports teams.
Rumors are that Marjorie Taylor Greene has the inside track. “We’ve all known trans fats are dangerous. Even skinny trans are bad for America. So, I’m going to ban all of them once and for all,” Greene declared to a mob of supporters in red MAGA hats.
Some of the bold picks Trump will soon be announcing to fill key roles in his administration. These stunning picks just might Make America Great Again – or possibly accelerate the final, inevitable destruction of our democracy. Political experts say it’s a toss-up.
Secretary of Professional Wrestling – Hulk Hogan. “Nobody can rip open a t-shirt like the Hulkster can. He will make pro wrestling great again,” said Trump in a recent Truth Social post. “I will also ban volleyball and women’s golf. They’re just too gay,” he added.
Secretary of God and Bible Stuff – Lee Greenwood (who sang God Bless the USA). Trump praised the country singer for his patriotism, his love of God, and the $4 million Trump made from hawking his made-in-China Lee Greenwood Bibles on TikTok.
Minister of Propaganda (formerly Press Secretary) – George Santos. Trump posted on X (formerly Twitter), “Nobody is more committed to telling the truth than George – with the possible exception of me.”
Trump also plans to eliminate the Department of Education and replace it with a new Cabinet post, Department of Trolling. Political insiders expect him to select Steve Bannon because, when asked about Bannon, Trump shouted back, “Steve practically invented trolling as an art form. Nobody owns the libs more than this guy. He will drive them crazy for the next eight to twelve years of my administration.”
As this article was going to press, there was speculation that Trump might even go so far as to nominate Dr. Mehmet Oz to oversee Medicare, Medicaid, and Obamacare – three critical healthcare programs that directly impact the lives of over one hundred million Americans. Oz has been almost universally mocked and vilified for promoting quack miracle cures despite virtually zero medical proof they work.
On the one hand, Dr. Oz is a TV celebrity, and he appears to lack any of the requisite qualifications to oversee Medicare and Medicaid, so those are two big pluses. But even more importantly, it’s quite possible Trump may be confusing Dr. Oz with the Wizard of Oz, who he’s seen on TV. And Trump probably would love to have a scary wizard in his cabinet able to cast debilitating spells on his enemies on Trump’s command. So, the odds look good for Oz to join his cabinet as well.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it aLikeorsharing this post on Facebook.
[Author’s note for the humor-impaired: This week’s article is political satire. – TEJ]
The case before the Supreme Court is far from black and white. They must decide whether a former president is above the law or not. Okay, well, maybe it is pretty black and white, now that you put it that way.
I’m mad as Hell. I’ve been watching nothing but News Max and Fox News for two weeks straight. They’ve got me so riled up, I’ve only had seven hours of sleep in the past three days. Perhaps it’s lack of sleep or the 12 Red Bulls I’ve ingested in the past 15 hours, but I’m feeling a little cranky. And I need to get some things off my chest.
One thing’s become clear to me: All 257 current and pending civil and criminal prosecutions being waged against Donald Trump are politically motivated witch hunts by the Deep State.
Based on that, I totally agree with the U.S. Supreme Court’s recent decision to hear Trump’s immunity claim.The issue before the court is this:
Can a former president who has engaged in a series of criminal acts break the law whenever he wants and get away with it?
Answer: Of course he can. And he SHOULD be able to get away with it. Because presidents can do whatever they want. Trump assured us it’s in the Constitution (I think in Article 11. Or maybe it was Article B). The verdict is still out as to whether this immunity protection would apply if the president were a girl.
If they can prosecute the greatest president in U.S. History (Lincoln was lame compared to Trump) merely for some minor lapses of judgment (aka “criminal acts”), then what’s to stop our corrupt justice system from arresting anyone who’s committed a crime? Where will it all end?
Some of history’s greatest men have been arrested and imprisoned. Think about it. They put Nelson Mandela away for 27 years. They prosecuted and murdered Jesus Christ. Our savior! (Well, at least if you’re a Christian, that is, which is the law in the USA, I’m pretty sure). And according to a commercial I recently saw on News Max, Trump is the new Messiah. Clearly, God wants him to be our king of kings. And God is never wrong.
If they can arrest Trump, they’ll soon be coming after you. Like Jesus before Pontius Pilate, Trump’s standing trial so you don’t have to. Such courage! And Donald Trump will do everything in his Constitutional power to keep you out of jail – just so long as you send $1,000 to his Legal Defense Fund.
Trump did nothing wrong. He was just trying to make sure that every vote was counted – including 11,780 extra special votes in Georgia. If the DOJ can go after Trump for every little miscalculation he made as president, who’s to stop them from going after other past presidents? In that case, Obama should definitely be prosecuted for wearing that terribly unpresidential tan suitat a press conference. Talk about fashion crime!
Who can forget this memorable, historic, patriotic day when President Trump urged his supporters to peacefully march to the Capitol, gently smash in the windows, politely break down the doors, and delicately hang Mike Pence.
The Supreme Court absolutely should hold that Trump is immune from prosecution. It’s the only fair verdict, since he gave a third of the court their jobs. They owe him.
Meanwhile, the radical, communist-sympathizing, woke, America-hating, God-denying anarchists on the left want to let in all the Mexican drug dealers, rapists, and LGBTQ supporters. And they’re furious the Supreme Court accepted this case in the first place, saying it was an open-and-shut case that no president should be considered “above the law.”
But it’s just not that simple. I mean, where do you draw the line? If you can prosecute Trump for inciting an insurrection and attempting to subvert an election, what’s next? By that logic, should prosecutors come after him for obstructing the Mueller investigation? Sharing classified documents with the Russians? Trying to strongarm Ukraine’s president Zelensky to lie about Joe Biden? Firing whistleblowers? Repeatedly violating the Emoluments Clause? Causing the death of hundreds of thousands of Americans by not taking the COVID pandemic seriously? Of course not! Jeez, you liberals are such whiny nitpickers.
On the other hand, presidential immunity should not be granted to Joe Biden – because he’s not even our real president, so technically it doesn’t even apply to him. I’m not really sure what all the Hunter Biden / Burisma / Ukraine stuff is all about. Kinda complicated. But Hunter admitted to using cocaine in the past, including when Biden was Vice President. Hunter’s supplier was probably his dad. Disgusting. So, if you ask me, Biden should be prosecuted for running a drug cartel out of the White House – something Donald Trump has never been accused of, I might add.
Many on the subversive left also are up in arms – and not the good kind of arms like an AR-15 rifle – that by taking up Trump’s immunity claim, it will push the January 6th trial back until after the 2024 election. Sure it will, but that’s just how the justice system works. Cry me a river, you libs.
In my objective opinion, the Supreme Court should not hear this case until at least Spring 2027 at the earliest – to give Trump’s lawyers adequate time to prepare. After all, this is an extremely complicated case.
And let’s not forget the Supreme Court has a full docket of other equally pressing cases ahead of it in the queue, like whether a plaintiff can sue Buffalo Wild Wings for misrepresentation and fraud when they discovered the chain’s “Buffalo Wings” aren’t technically wings. (That’s an actual lawsuit.)
Supreme Court Justices are ordinary people, too. They have lives just like you and me. They need time to decompress, be with family, take a pottery class, or hit the road for a three-week vacation in their 40-foot $267,000 Prevost Marathon RV given to them by a rich benefactor with cases before the court. You can’t rush important decisions like this.
In the meantime, I hope you’ll join me in making a small donation of $500 to help Donald Trump’s re-election campaign. I’ve been assured that no more than 90% of your donation will be applied towards the $500 million in judgments Trump has been ordered to pay.
When Trump wins the election (with only minimal assistance from Russia), I’m confident his own Department of Justice will shut down all these frivolous prosecutions, so he can focus on Making America Great Again (just so long as you’re not black, trans, an immigrant, or Joe Biden).
Joe Biden, when that day comes, Trump’s Attorney General (who I’m hoping will be Marjorie Taylor Greene) won’t let you hide behind presidential immunity for all the Biden Crime Family’s misdeeds. In fact, I just learned on Fox News that you recently LIED by saying in a speech that the Grand Canyon was one of the NINE Wonders of the World. There are only seven wonders, and the Grand Canyon ain’t one of them. You lied to the American people – something Trump would never do.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it aLikeorsharing this post on Facebook.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
