[The following is political satire and not necessarily the news.]
OANN is the first major conservative news media outlet to report on President Trump’s flawless speech at his Jan 6th DC STOP THE STEAL rally where he urged his fervent supporters to break into the Capitol and force VP Pence to certify the election for him – but do it in a polite, orderly, non-violent, totally legal fashion.
In looking back over Donald Trump’s tumultuous final 2 & 1/2 months in office, the storm of chaotic tweets, rallies and related events only intensified, as the countdown clock ticked down the final days and hours of his historically scandal-plagued presidency.
But you might not know that, based on how some of the rightwing news media outlets covered these same events.
Here are some of the more notable “breaking news” events of the final weeks of the Trump Administration, as captured by headlines from the mainstream media – and by some on the far right.
November 3, 2020 – Election night in America
The New York Times: Trump Leads in Early Tallies; Biden Closing Gap as Mail-in Ballots are Counted.
The Washington Post: Too Close to Call. Trump’s Election Night Lead Dwindling
Fox News: Trump Wins in Historic Landslide. Biden on Suicide Watch After Humiliating Defeat
Breitbart: If You Don’t Count Blue States, Trump Delivers Biden Crushing Defeat
November 7, 2020 – the day the presidential election is officially called for Biden
Politico: JOE BIDEN DECLARED 46th PRESIDENT OF USA
CNN: BIDEN WINS, 306 to 272 Electoral Votes; Wins 7 Million More Votes Than Trump
Newsmax: Massive Election Fraud Temporarily Delays Nationwide Celebrations for Trump’s Comeback Re-election Landslide Win
Info Wars: Joe Biden Continues to Deny He Held Under-Age Girls as Sex Slaves in his Wilmington Duplex
December 12, 2020 – the day Trump’s STOP THE STEAL rally in DC erupted in chaos and injuries
Fox News Trump, having successfully completed his historic 4-year plan to Make America Great Again, will take time off from his presidential duties for some down time. But he promises to get right back to work as your president after a brief 4-year golfing sabbatical.
NPR: 4 Stabbed, 33 Arrested After Trump Supporters, Counter-Protesters Clash In D.C.
ABC News: Violent clashes between pro-Trump protesters and Black Lives Matter supporters as Trump Rally Goes Off the Rails
One America News Network (OANN): Antifa Black Lives Matter Protestors Mar Peaceful Trump Rally by Jumping in Front of Trump Supporters’ Knives, Assault Rifles, and Mace
Rush Limbaugh: God Told Me in a Dream That Anyone Who Opposes Trump Will Burn Forever in Hell
January 2, 2021 – the day Trump called the Georgia Secretary of State to pressure him to find him 11,780 votes
The Wall Street Journal: Trump, in Recorded Call, Pressures Georgia Sec. of State to ‘Find’ Him Votes
The Atlanta Journal Constitution: Trump, in Taped Call, Pressured Georgia Official to Find Votes to Overturn Election
The Drudge Report: Georgia Sec. of State Offers Trump 11,780 Votes. Offended, Trump Politely Declines
Fox News: Tennessee Woman Fosters 100 Cats; Neighbors Consider Her a Saint
January 6, 2021 – the day Congress convened to certify the election results, which was marred when fanatical Trump supporters stormed the Capitol building
CNN: Incited by the President, Pro-Trump Rioters Violently Storm the Capitol
Reuters: Trump Supporters Storm the Capitol to Attack Democracy
Newsmax: Breaking News: Eating Apple Pie Can Help You Lose Weight
Hannity Radio: Alaska Jogger Smashes Ice to Rescue Dog, Then Continues His Run
January 8, 2021 – the day Twitter permanently banned Trump from its social media platform
The New York Times: Twitter Permanently Bans Trump, Capping Online Revolt
USA Today: Twitter Bans Trump’s Account, Citing Risk of Further Violence
OANN: Trump Quits Twitter to Protest Media Bias. “I’ll never be back,” He Defiantly Proclaims!
The Daily Caller: Trump Bails on Twitter to Launch a Competitor. Twitter Loses 90% of Its Users in 4 Hours.
January 13, 2021 – the day the House of Representatives impeached Trump for a second time
Newsmax’ Top Story for January 20, 2021: Mrs. Gladys McCloskey of Brattleboro, VT is the grand prize winner in the Wyndham County Quilting Fair. She wins for the third time in five years. Way to go, Gladys.
The Los Angeles Times: House, With Some G.O.P. Support, Votes to Impeach Trump a Historic Second Time
The Huffington Post: President Trump Becomes First President Ever to be Impeached Twice
Fox News: Breaking News: Hillary Clinton’s Emails Finally Prove She’s the Anti-Christ
Epoch Times: New Poll Shows 79 Million Americans Want to Ban Congress Permanently
January 20, 2021 – the day Joe Biden was inaugurated as our 46th President
US News & World Report: Joe Biden Becomes 46th President Amidst Grave Threats of Further Violence
The Atlantic: IT’S OFFICIAL. BIDEN IS 46th PRESIDENT!
Newsmax: Trump Announces Plans for a Four-Year Hiatus to Rest Up for Historic Second Term
The Glenn Beck Program: Trump Shocks World by Voluntarily Leaving White House, Calling it a Dump; Plans to Move to a Much Classier Residence (just as soon as he can find a country without an extradition treaty with the USA)
It appears I have been missing out on several important news stories that the mainstream media simply refuses to report.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021.
[Note: Tim Jones is on vacation (pause for applause and sighs of relief). Standing in is his cat Buddy, who would like to share an important political announcement. – Staff at VFTB]
Greetings, my fellow Americans. I am Buddy. Just Buddy. No last name, as far as I know. That’s me to the right. In case you think I look familiar, it might be because I bear a striking resemblance to another kitty, my uncle Blackie, who, you may recall, composed a very important message in this blog a few years ago. (What can I say, my human, Tim Jones, really sucks at naming cats.)
Ever since Donald Trump was elected president, my human has been pacing around his man cave, going on rants, like “How could such an inept buffoon be President?” and “The man is totally unfit for the office!” Now that I look at Trump, he does look terribly out of shape. He really should stop wearing those tight tennis shorts, if you ask me. He apparently has aspirations to become a bird, as he tweets all the time. I have no idea what he’s writing – but then, neither does he. I guess we are both illiterate.
Watching Tim scream at the TV each night as he watches Rachel Maddow or Lawrence O’Donnell describe the latest Trump abomination, it’s become as plain as the whiskers on my face that I could do a better job running this country. So, that is why today, I am announcing my plans to run for president. I realize some may view me as unfit as Trump, so I have hired a personal trainer to help me shed the kitty fat and get in shape.
You may be asking yourself, “Why should I vote for a cat?” After all, there’s never been a cat that sat in the Oval Office – unless you count President Clinton’s cat Socks. But I’m fairly sure Socks had limited veto power. So, why me? Where do I begin?
First, the only skeleton you’ll find in my closet is from a mouse I killed and left as a gift for my human. (He still hasn’t thanked me, by the way.) Full disclosure: Like Trump, I too have an embarrassing episode involving peeing on a bed. In my defense, I was only a kitten and not fully litter-trained.
Unlike Trump, I have never said an unkind word about Mexicans and never will – unless they take my spot on the couch. Then they’re dead to me. I will never give any foreign leader a reason to get angry with me or brush me off – unless they’re easily upset by cat fur on their Armani jacket. My breed tends to shed a lot. (more…)
Donald Trump has wasted no time putting his signature on his new administration. In what some critics are calling a scarily bad case of Opposite Day, President-Elect Trump so far has chosen an Education Secretary who has never held any position in public education, a HUD Secretary with no previous experience dealing with public housing, a Secretary of State with no history in international diplomacy, and an EPA Head who believes climate change is a myth.
In a similarly bold fashion, Trump’s latest Cabinet appointments are sure to win praise from supporters hopeful that he will turn back the clock (to 1953) and destroy unnecessary, wasteful government programs like Obamacare, banking regulation, Social Security and the environment.
Here are some of Trump’s recent appointments, along with his explanation for the choice.
For Director of the CIA: Boris Badenov (the Russian spy on Rocky and Bullwinkle)
Trump: “There’s a lot of nasty stuff going on lately and I need someone who I can trust – someone who knows a thing or two about how spying works. That’s why I chose Boris. He will reveal the dark, embarrassing secrets of my detractors and keep our country safe by ruining their careers. Besides, Boris’ ruler is a close personal friend of mine and he says Boris is great at hacking into email servers.”
Secretary of the Army: Sylvester Stallone
“One word: Rambo. Just imagine how much ISIS butt he’ll kick now that he’s got nukes to play with. I thought about selecting Jim Nabors due to his experience playing Marine Private Gomer Pyle. But then I read a tweet that the actor was gay. One thing’s for sure: Our nation has never allowed gays in the military, and under a Trump Administration, it will stay that way. #I love the gays.”
In the off chance you’ve been in a coma the past few weeks, I have some unsettling news. You might want to sit down. Donald Trump is our new President-Elect. Please, put down that sharp object.
As denial about this shocking outcome gives way to anger, then depression and finally acceptance, pundits are deeply divided as to whether Trump’s election means four years of utter chaos, financial collapse, violence on the streets, nuclear Armageddon, and the end of civilization as we know it – or perhaps something far worse.
If the 2016 election taught us anything, it’s that if you’re running for the most important job in the world, political experience and proven competence are serious liabilities. Trump has re-written the political playbook. In past elections, having no previous relevant experience, combined with a vengeful temperament, a campaign built around stoking anger, fear, hate, racism, misogyny and a knee-jerk impulse to tweet insults at anyone who makes a joke about your hair might put you at a disadvantage. But that kind of thinking is so November 7th.
Unless our President-Elect amends the Constitution to do away with elections and installs himself as Supreme Commander-for-Life (which experts put at slightly less than 50% odds), then in four years there will be another election. Candidates are already lining up for the chance to go for politics’ brass ring. Here’s a sneak peek at the early frontrunners for the 2020 presidential race.
Kim Kardashian: For those people hoping 2016 would be the year we finally elected a female president, low-education white truck drivers overwhelmingly agree: Hillary was a lame choice – what with all those bland pantsuits, wonky policy papers and annoyingly high intellect. As Trump repeatedly pointed out, Hillary’s not exactly moving the needle on the 10-point beauty scale. No, what this nation is looking for in its first female head-of-state is a hot, curvy reality star who lets her body do the talking. Another qualification: Kim K has 49 million Twitter followers – almost five times as many as Hillary. (We checked.)
The Trump Campaign just announced it will be releasing scores of official letters from experts attesting to the fact Donald Trump is fully prepared to be the most incredibly qualified person to run for the American presidency in over 500 years. Below is a partial sampling of the letters the campaign released today.
On Donald Trump’s Health and Fitness
I’ve thoroughly reviewed Donald J. Trump’s medical history, by which I mean I saw him recently on the Doctor Oz show. And I can confirm without hesitation that Mr. Trump is in excellent health. He’s in way better shape than Martin Van Buren or Chester A. Arthur were when they were president. And his hair color is totally natural.
If you ask me, Donald Trump is without a doubt the most physically fit, emotionally stable human being ever to run for any elected office in any nation, not to mention he is incredibly well-endowed “in that department” – no problems there. (Mr. Trump, did I cover all the points you wanted me to in this letter?)
Dr. Derek Shepherd (AKA Doctor McDreamy)
Chief of Neuro-surgery
Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital (on the hit ABC TV show, Grey’s Anatomy)
On Donald Trump’s readiness to become Commander-in-Chief
Oh sure, I passed away 36 years ago, but I met the Donald once, and from that brief encounter, let me tell you, he’s fully prepared to be our next Commander-in-Chief. People called me “Colonel,” and rightfully so. I was really good at Battleship. So as a military expert, I’m confident Mr. Trump would be a great commander, whether the board game was Stratego or Checkers.
I’m convinced Donald Trump has the right temperament to have access to the nuclear launch codes. That said, I don’t have a clue what the phrase “nuclear launch codes” actually means. But I do know he likes to eat KFC, so this Colonel is ready to give him a patriotic salute.
Colonel Harland Sanders
Kentucky Fried Chicken (more…)