Donald Trump has wasted no time putting his signature on his new administration. In what some critics are calling a scarily bad case of Opposite Day, President-Elect Trump so far has chosen an Education Secretary who has never held any position in public education, a HUD Secretary with no previous experience dealing with public housing, a Secretary of State with no history in international diplomacy, and an EPA Head who believes climate change is a myth.
In a similarly bold fashion, Trump’s latest Cabinet appointments are sure to win praise from supporters hopeful that he will turn back the clock (to 1953) and destroy unnecessary, wasteful government programs like Obamacare, banking regulation, Social Security and the environment.
Here are some of Trump’s recent appointments, along with his explanation for the choice.
For Director of the CIA: Boris Badenov (the Russian spy on Rocky and Bullwinkle)
Trump: “There’s a lot of nasty stuff going on lately and I need someone who I can trust – someone who knows a thing or two about how spying works. That’s why I chose Boris. He will reveal the dark, embarrassing secrets of my detractors and keep our country safe by ruining their careers. Besides, Boris’ ruler is a close personal friend of mine and he says Boris is great at hacking into email servers.”
Secretary of the Army: Sylvester Stallone
“One word: Rambo. Just imagine how much ISIS butt he’ll kick now that he’s got nukes to play with. I thought about selecting Jim Nabors due to his experience playing Marine Private Gomer Pyle. But then I read a tweet that the actor was gay. One thing’s for sure: Our nation has never allowed gays in the military, and under a Trump Administration, it will stay that way. #I love the gays.” (more…)
In the off chance you’ve been in a coma the past few weeks, I have some unsettling news. You might want to sit down. Donald Trump is our new President-Elect. Please, put down that sharp object.
As denial about this shocking outcome gives way to anger, then depression and finally acceptance, pundits are deeply divided as to whether Trump’s election means four years of utter chaos, financial collapse, violence on the streets, nuclear Armageddon, and the end of civilization as we know it – or perhaps something far worse.
If the 2016 election taught us anything, it’s that if you’re running for the most important job in the world, political experience and proven competence are serious liabilities. Trump has re-written the political playbook. In past elections, having no previous relevant experience, combined with a vengeful temperament, a campaign built around stoking anger, fear, hate, racism, misogyny and a knee-jerk impulse to tweet insults at anyone who makes a joke about your hair might put you at a disadvantage. But that kind of thinking is so November 7th.
Unless our President-Elect amends the Constitution to do away with elections and installs himself as Supreme Commander-for-Life (which experts put at slightly less than 50% odds), then in four years there will be another election. Candidates are already lining up for the chance to go for politics’ brass ring. Here’s a sneak peek at the early frontrunners for the 2020 presidential race.
Kim Kardashian: For those people hoping 2016 would be the year we finally elected a female president, low-education white truck drivers overwhelmingly agree: Hillary was a lame choice – what with all those bland pantsuits, wonky policy papers and annoyingly high intellect. As Trump repeatedly pointed out, Hillary’s not exactly moving the needle on the 10-point beauty scale. No, what this nation is looking for in its first female head-of-state is a hot, curvy reality star who lets her body do the talking. Another qualification: Kim K has 49 million Twitter followers – almost five times as many as Hillary. (We checked.) (more…)
Donald Trump has alleged the 2016 presidential election has been rigged against him and that the only possible way he can lose will be because of fraud and collusion. As a noted investigative reporter, I felt it was my journalistic duty to check into these shocking allegations and uncover whether his claims could be substantiated. It turns out Donald Trump is correct. The election IS rigged against him. The proof is extensive and conclusive.
First, Trump claims the liberal media has conspired to make him look bad – using nothing more than his own words – and the words of over a dozen female accusers – against him. But Trump argues vehemently that all of his female accusers are lying. And whose word are you going to believe, anyway? Their claims that Trump sexually assaulted them by kissing and groping them without their permission? Or Trump’s words claiming he routinely kisses and gropes women without their permission? Trump further adds that the media hasn’t devoted any coverage to what he speculates are numerous sex scandals involving Hillary with attractive younger male models. “It’s so unfair,” argues Trump.
Trump also has alleged that he has evidence there will be rampant voting fraud on election day at many polling locations. He may be right about this. From my research, I’ve uncovered evidence there could be literally millions of people conspiring to secretly enter voting locations scattered throughout the country, after which they’ll close the curtains to hide their clandestine actions before surreptitiously pulling the lever for the enemy candidate. And from what I can tell, there is no one – other than Trump – attempting to stop them.
The Trump Campaign just announced it will be releasing scores of official letters from experts attesting to the fact Donald Trump is fully prepared to be the most incredibly qualified person to run for the American presidency in over 500 years. Below is a partial sampling of the letters the campaign released today.
On Donald Trump’s Health and Fitness
I’ve thoroughly reviewed Donald J. Trump’s medical history, by which I mean I saw him recently on the Doctor Oz show. And I can confirm without hesitation that Mr. Trump is in excellent health. He’s in way better shape than Martin Van Buren or Chester A. Arthur were when they were president. And his hair color is totally natural.
If you ask me, Donald Trump is without a doubt the most physically fit, emotionally stable human being ever to run for any elected office in any nation, not to mention he is incredibly well-endowed “in that department” – no problems there. (Mr. Trump, did I cover all the points you wanted me to in this letter?)
Dr. Derek Shepherd (AKA Doctor McDreamy) Chief of Neuro-surgery Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital (on the hit ABC TV show, Grey’s Anatomy)
On Donald Trump’s readiness to become Commander-in-Chief
Oh sure, I passed away 36 years ago, but I met the Donald once, and from that brief encounter, let me tell you, he’s fully prepared to be our next Commander-in-Chief. People called me “Colonel,” and rightfully so. I was really good at Battleship. So as a military expert, I’m confident Mr. Trump would be a great commander, whether the board game was Stratego or Checkers.
I’m convinced Donald Trump has the right temperament to have access to the nuclear launch codes. That said, I don’t have a clue what the phrase “nuclear launch codes” actually means. But I do know he likes to eat KFC, so this Colonel is ready to give him a patriotic salute.
Hello. Tim Jones here. This presidential election year is historic in several ways. It is the first time in US history that:
a woman has been nominated by a major political party as their presidential candidate
a major political party has selected a narcissistic, bullying, sociopath as their standard bearer
a major political party has selected a lying, misogynistic racist as their standard bearer
a major political party has selected a thin-skinned, egotistical, uninformed billionaire demagogue as their standard bearer
Did I mention it’s the first time a major political party has selected an utterly unfit, insane whack job for president?
All of these firsts are well and good, but these headlines totally bury the lead – which is: this is also the first time in American presidential history a major political party has placed a TIM on the ticket! That’s right. Someone with the same first name as me: Senator Tim Kaine is Hillary’s Vice Presidential pick.
Admittedly, Tim Kaine is not exactly Mr. Excitement. He pretty much looks like every suburban soccer dad I’ve ever carpooled with. When you google the word “bland” the first search result is a photo of Tim Kaine. Okay, so he’s safe and boring. But you’re missing the point. His name is TIM!!
There have been plenty of people with names like John, Robert, William, and James selected to run as Vice President – and a whole bunch of Dicks. There have even been VP candidates with obscure names like Chester, Rufus, and Hannibal. (Honest.) But until this year, there has never been a single person named TIM selected to be a presidential or vice presidential candidate.
The lamestream media won’t talk about this dirty little secret, but we TIM’s have been pushed around or ignored politically for the past 220 years. For too long, TIM’s have had to live with the cruel acceptance that our name was primarily associated with cripples and freaks — from the pitiful Tiny Tim in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol to the grotesque long-haired oddball ukulele-playing singer who, using that same name, became embarrassingly famous for his falsetto rendition of Tiptoe Through the Tulips.
Donald Trump has wasted no time putting his signature on his new administration. In what some critics are calling a scarily bad case of Opposite Day, President-Elect Trump so far has chosen an Education Secretary who has never held any position in public education, a HUD Secretary with no previous experience dealing with public housing, a Secretary of State with no history in international diplomacy, and an EPA Head who believes climate change is a myth.
