BREAKING HEALTH ALERT: Ice Cream Declared Superfood — Kale Classified as Biohazard

BREAKING HEALTH ALERT: Ice Cream Declared Superfood — Kale Classified as Biohazard

by | Jun 20, 2026 | Lifestyles humor

 

A cartoon illustration of a bright yellow sun with a smiling face and large, round eyes.

This just in. Broccoli is brutal on your brain. Kale may kill your kidneys. But Donuts may add 10 years to your life. Details about the latest medical findings at 11.

ANCHOR, CHIP PRINGLES (Seated at a news desk. The year is 2037.)

Good evening, I’m Chip Pringles. Welcome to the 5pm edition of Channel 7 Eye Witness News. Our top story tonight: Everything you thought you knew about nutrition… turns out to be a lie. That’s right, folks – the very foods we’ve been told for the past 70 years would kill us before we turned 50 are now being hailed as the reason we might live to 150 – assuming we don’t die in the latest measles pandemic.

After decades of confusing and constantly shifting dietary guidelines, the National Center for Nutritional Reversal (NCNR) has issued a stunning report this morning. It revealed that foods like pizza, cheeseburgers, and double-fudge sundaes are not only not bad for you but may actually be what they are now calling “nutritional unicorns.” Meanwhile, many of the foods our parents forced us to eat before having dessert, like spinach, Brussels sprouts, and lentils – once lauded as the Holy Trinity of Healthy Eating – are now classified as “toxic plant matter.”

Joining us live from the campus of the prestigious Sedona New Age Institute of Dietary Enlightenment, our health correspondent, Sheila Parsnip, sat down with Dr. Ted Carbman, lead researcher behind this paradigm-shattering study. Sheila?

FIELD REPORTER, SHEILA PARSNIP (Standing in front of what appears to be a Shake Shack, now converted into a certified medical facility)

Thanks, Chip. I’m here with Dr. Ted Carbman, a nutritional researcher and self-proclaimed Fat Realist, who has just published a 900-page report titled Let Them Eat Cake: Why Saturated Fat is the Key to Longevity. Dr. Carbman, thanks for joining us. Also, you have a little bit of chili cheese fry on your lapel

CARBMAN (Wearing a lab coat with the words Team Bacon embroidered on the sleeve)

A cartoon illustration of a bright yellow sun with a smiling face and large, round eyes.

If it’s lean or green, it’s bad for your spleen. So says new nutrition research that concludes foods like those shown here are the worst things to ingest. Limit your diet to highly processed foods, loaded with sugar and artificial ingredients – just to be on the safe side.

Thanks, Sheila. That’s actually intentional. It’s part of my research uniform. Helps me absorb the healing energy of lipids through osmosis.

SHEILA: Fascinating. So, explain to us how the food pyramid has flipped into what now appears to be a pizza slice?

CARBMAN: Yes, absolutely. For decades, we were told to eat fruits, cruciferous vegetables, and whole grains – or as I prefer to call it, the “rabbit diet.” But, hey, do I look like a rabbit to you? Turns out, those foods are loaded with phyto-confusionogens, a substance that clouds human judgment and causes individuals to buy essential oils from shady herbal supplement shamans named Amber.

Our studies show that people who consumed diets high in leafy greens suffered side effects such as smugness, excessive yoga, and spontaneous kombucha brewing. Plus, they are incredibly annoying to be around. Meanwhile, those on high-fat, high-sugar diets lived longer, had clearer skin, and reported having increased energy – that is, until the sugar crash kicked in.

SHEILA: Incredible. So… what does an ideal meal look like in 2037?

CARBMAN: We now recommend a breakfast consisting of bacon-wrapped Pop-Tarts, accompanied by a 20-ounce milkshake – preferably strawberry, as the pink food coloring has trace amounts of Vitamin W, which also is a pleasantly mild hallucinogen. Lunch should include as many cheeseburgers as you can shove down your pie hole. Speaking of which, a slice of pie is a recommended part of every lunch – unless you prefer a glazed donut.

For dinner? You have many options, but you can’t go wrong with a meat-lover’s pizza, cheese bread, and a side of nachos. For maximum health benefits, we recommend a hearty serving of three scoops of ice cream for dessert. And the closer to bedtime the better, our studies have found. This way, the glucose, trans fats, and saturated fats have more time to pump their way through your arteries throughout the night.

SHEILA: What about plant-based diets?

CARBMAN: Oh, dear Lord, no. I thought you were joking there for a minute. No, plant-based diets have been linked to irritability, depression, lower resistance to sarcasm, and chronic enrollment in spin classes. Tofu, in particular, was reclassified last year as an “edible form of sadness.” Legumes? Don’t get me started. Chickpeas are basically the Trojan horse of gastrointestinal unrest. The flatulence alone could scare away a herd of cows– which, by the way, should make up at least 30% of your daily caloric intake.

SHEILA: Wow. I’m personally on my third mozzarella stick cleanse this week, so this all comes as a relief.

CARBMAN: Exactly. Eat like your grandma used to before kale ruined everything. If your food contains more than one color and none of them are beige, you’re doing something seriously wrong. We now understand that glucose and sucrose are our dietary “best friends.” I came up with this helpful mnemonic: Don’t be Morose. Have more Glucose! When in doubt, Avoid Brussels sprout.

CUT BACK TO ANCHOR, CHIP PRINGLES (Chomping on a bucket of KFC chicken)

A cartoon illustration of a bright yellow sun with a smiling face and large, round eyes.

New research on diet concludes that many foods that were long thought to be bad for your health may actually help you live a longer, healthier, life – not to mention a much happier one.

Thanks, Sheila. Truly a mouthful of insight. So, to recap: Fat is good, sugar is essential, and quinoa may actually be a naturally occurring pesticide. Our thoughts and prayers go out tonight to new age lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow, who is reportedly being held in a preventive wellness quarantine until she has been able to deal with the shock of these findings.

But the surprises don’t end there. Coming up tonight at 11, our Channel 7 Healthy Lifestyles Series continues with a startling look at the dangers of moderate exercise. You’ve been told for years that daily workouts and an active lifestyle are pathways to longevity. But new science says: not so fast – literally. Slow down. Better yet, lie down. Our exclusive investigation reveals why even moderate walking could take years off your life – especially if your walks take you through high traffic areas.

That’s right. Scientists now believe that jogging, jazzercise, and even mild chair yoga may be doing far more harm than good. We’ll have expert analysis and take you inside the nation’s newest fitness trend: Sitting Still and Judging Others. More at 11.

Until then, this is Chip Pringles reminding you to toss out the tossed salad. Put your cottage cheese and bananas in the recycle bin. They are ticking time bombs on a mission to attack your vascular system. Make the smart choice. Have another slice of cheesecake. While you’re at it, it’s never too late to take up smoking again.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

A cartoon illustration of a bright yellow sun with a smiling face and large, round eyes.PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it aLikeorsharing this post on Facebook.

Subscribe to my View from the Bleachers YouTube Channeland request notifications to see my latest videos. And check out my latest book,THE SECRET TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS (is Something I Have Never Figured Out. I’ Open to Suggestions)

 

IMPORTANT HEALTH SAFETY WARNING: THESE FOODS WILL KILL YOU!

IMPORTANT HEALTH SAFETY WARNING: THESE FOODS WILL KILL YOU!

by | Jun 11, 2014 | In the News Humor, Lifestyles humor

bad food - food pyramidIt seems every week there is a new study about yet another popular food staple that has been linked to cancer or heart disease. It’s all very confusing. First experts tell you that grape juice is a heart-healthy beverage. Then other experts claim that it’s bad for you (containing as much sugar as soft drinks).

As one of the nation’s leading nutrition experts, I have compiled a comprehensive list of unhealthy foods. Avoid these foods and you should be able to lead a long and healthy life – assuming, of course, you don’t live in Afghanistan, Somalia or Detroit, in which case all bets are off.

FOODS TO AVOID

Cake, cookies, candy and ice cream. When I first discovered that these foods were considered unhealthy, it came as quite a blow. For years I had considered these to be the four basic food groups. But apparently no longer. They are all high in sugar, carbohydrates and polyunsaturated fat. Avoid these at all costs – unless you prefer to be happy.

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Tracking my progress towards a slimmer, fitter me

Tracking my progress towards a slimmer, fitter me

by | May 22, 2013 | Fun and Leisure Humor, Lifestyles humor

Over the past few years, I’ve noticed I’ve begun to put on a few pounds. I noticed this primarily because my wife kept saying, “Hey, you’ve put on a few pounds. When are you going to do something about it?” 

In my younger years, I used to treat my body like a temple. But lately my body has become more of a Temple of Doom. So I’ve decided to do something about it. 

I tried various fad diets: the Nothing-but-fruit diet, the Everything-but-fruit diet, the Mango & Salmon milk shake diet, the “All-You-Can-Eat-Just-So-Long-As-It’s-Cabbage” diet. None of them worked, in part because I usually gave up after about 40 minutes. 

I recently discovered – much to my chagrin – that there are no short cuts to fitness and good health. So I came up with eight very simple daily commitments in the areas of fitness and nutrition. I once raced in the New York Marathon. (Okay, meandered might be more accurate description of my pace.) Heck, by comparison, this should be a piece of cake. Drat! Now I’m craving a piece of cake. 

I knew I would not succeed unless I wrote down my new commitments.  I was later informed that writing them down and shoving the list in my file drawer would not be enough to ensure success. I had to actually track my progress. So far, I’m off to a bit of a shaky start. 

DAY 4  
Daily Commitment Actual Results
Healthy breakfast with fruit Special K with fresh-cut strawberries. Added three tablespoons of sugar just for texture.
Stretch 10 minutes Forgot again. But did climb back up the stairs twice because I forgot my wallet, and then forgot my car keys. Could feel it in my calves.
Drink 8 glasses of water Drank four glasses. Which is four more than I have ever drunk in the past 25 years, so I consider this a promising start. Man, I gotta pee.
No junk food. Try almonds or carrots Brought bag of carrots to work. Accidently left them in the car all day. Oops. Spoiled. Gave carrots to a raccoon rummaging in dumpster.
45-minute aerobic workout Did 20 minutes but ran out of time when I suddenly remembered I had an early morning meeting at the office next Tuesday.
Weights for 30 minutes Had to lift the bed so my wife could retrieve our frightened cat. That bed weighs a ton. So I’d say I did my fair share of weights. Check.
No eating after 8pm Okay, I buckled. I had a PBJ sandwich at 9:30. But at least I got my daily dose of fruit with the slathering of grape jelly.
Floss teeth before bed Totally spaced. Will floss first thing tomorrow morning

 

 

DAY 9  
Daily Commitment Actual Results
Healthy breakfast with fruit Running late. Wolfed down three fruit roll-ups. Green Apple Blast. Contains 5% real fruit. You know what they say. An apple rollup a day keeps… I forget the rest.
Stretch 10 minutes Bent over to tie my shoes. Both of them. Felt it in the hammies.
Drink 8 glasses of water Had three Diet Cokes, and one 20 oz. Mountain Dew Code Red. Pretty sure they all are mostly water.
No junk food. Try almonds or carrots Had two Almond Joy candy bars at 3pm. Was leaning towards a Mounds bar, but was committed to getting my share of almonds.
45-minute aerobic workout Only did 15 minutes on the exercycle but watched CNN the entire time so it was kind of an aerobic workout for my brain.
Weights for 30 minutes Weighted in line for 30 minutes at Starbucks for my double tall caramel Frappuccino.
No eating after 8pm Had a 20-ounce malted chocolate milkshake at 8:45 p.m. I never said anything about not drinking after 8pm.
Floss teeth before bed Arrgh! Totally spaced – again. Guess I’ll need to come up with a better system to remind me than tying floss to my thumb.

DAY 16
Daily Commitment Actual Results
Healthy breakfast with fruit Had two bowls of Fruit Loops. The cereal even has “fruit” in its name, so it’s got to be healthy. Note to self: re: Count Chocula. Apparently chocolate is not a fruit. Bummer.
Stretch 10 minutes In explaining to my wife why I needed to buy a new set of golf clubs, I stretched the truth for over 15 minutes. Counting that as stretching.
Drink 8 glasses of water Drank 32-ounce Big Gulp. Some new flavor called Cranberry Splash. Pretty sure cranberry is a fruit – or maybe a vegetable – so once again, think I aced this one.
No junk food. Try almonds or carrots Scarfed down two slices of carrot cake – with almond slivers on top. Killed two birds with one stone. Sa-weet.
45-minute aerobic workout Went to health club to run on treadmill. Opted for the Jacuzzi instead. Lots of air bubbles, so that’s sort of aerobic, I think.
Weights for 30 minutes Fell asleep in Jacuzzi so ran out of time. Double up tomorrow.
No eating after 8pm Had a chocolate-covered donut and rocky road ice cream at 9:45pm but technically it was only 7:45pm in Hawaii. Show me where I said it had to be 8pm in my time zone! Nowhere!
Floss teeth before bed Totally spaced. But in my defense, I was thinking about it. Then my wife distracted me by asking me how my day was. So it’s her fault.

Fitness program - Fruit LoopsI have to say, this is much harder than I thought. It’s now day 21 and frankly, my progress has slowed down a bit. Today my exercise consisted of channel surfing. So technically, that’s a kind of surfing. And surfing’s aerobic. 

And while I was channel surfing, I saw this infomercial about a breakthrough new miracle fat-burning pill that melts away fat while you sleep. One customer claimed she lost 50 pounds in two weeks. I have to try this out. And here’s the best part: No flossing required. 

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base. 

PS:  If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by sharing it on Facebook, posting a comment or giving it a. Better yet, why not set a goal to forward this post to 500 of your closest friends. Better write down this goal before you forget it. 

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2013