Humor writer admits to using banned substances and lying to everybody
[Tim Jones, noted humor writer and the driving force behind the humor blog View from the Bleachers, in a shocking press conference, admits to using banned performance-enhancing substances to help him write his column. Below are excerpts from that press conference.]
“This is not easy for me to admit. But the time has come for me to finally come clean. Rumors have been swirling about my behavior in recent months. And I simply could not live a lie any longer. For the first time anywhere, I need to make a public confession to all eleven of my readers:
For years I have been using banned performance-enhancing substances to help me produce my blog. And in the process, I’ve repeatedly lied to my readers, friends and family.
About the time people started wondering about Lance Armstrong, insiders started suspecting that I too might be using performance-enhancing substances to give me a competitive edge. They started noticing that my blog posts were getting increasingly unhinged. When I claimed in one post that I was a direct descendant of Jesus, it raised a lot of eyebrows. When I later wrote that I was contemplating switching my vote to Romney, my close friends and family members became deeply concerned about my mental state. But it was when I finally presented in one recent post my solution to America’s gun problem – arming every American with bullet-proof vests – that authorities could tell I had gone completely off the rails.