BREAKING HEALTH ALERT: Ice Cream Declared Superfood — Kale Classified as Biohazard
This just in. Broccoli is brutal on your brain. Kale may kill your kidneys. But Donuts may add 10 years to your life. Details about the latest medical findings at 11.
ANCHOR, CHIP PRINGLES (Seated at a news desk. The year is 2037.)
Good evening, I’m Chip Pringles. Welcome to the 5pm edition of Channel 7 Eye Witness News. Our top story tonight: Everything you thought you knew about nutrition… turns out to be a lie. That’s right, folks – the very foods we’ve been told for the past 70 years would kill us before we turned 50 are now being hailed as the reason we might live to 150 – assuming we don’t die in the latest measles pandemic.
After decades of confusing and constantly shifting dietary guidelines, the National Center for Nutritional Reversal (NCNR) has issued a stunning report this morning. It revealed that foods like pizza, cheeseburgers, and double-fudge sundaes are not only not bad for you but may actually be what they are now calling “nutritional unicorns.” Meanwhile, many of the foods our parents forced us to eat before having dessert, like spinach, Brussels sprouts, and lentils – once lauded as the Holy Trinity of Healthy Eating – are now classified as “toxic plant matter.”
Joining us live from the campus of the prestigious Sedona New Age Institute of Dietary Enlightenment, our health correspondent, Sheila Parsnip, sat down with Dr. Ted Carbman, lead researcher behind this paradigm-shattering study. Sheila?
FIELD REPORTER, SHEILA PARSNIP (Standing in front of what appears to be a Shake Shack, now converted into a certified medical facility)
Thanks, Chip. I’m here with Dr. Ted Carbman, a nutritional researcher and self-proclaimed Fat Realist, who has just published a 900-page report titled Let Them Eat Cake: Why Saturated Fat is the Key to Longevity. Dr. Carbman, thanks for joining us. Also, you have a little bit of chili cheese fry on your lapel
CARBMAN (Wearing a lab coat with the words Team Bacon embroidered on the sleeve)
If it’s lean or green, it’s bad for your spleen. So says new nutrition research that concludes foods like those shown here are the worst things to ingest. Limit your diet to highly processed foods, loaded with sugar and artificial ingredients – just to be on the safe side.
Thanks, Sheila. That’s actually intentional. It’s part of my research uniform. Helps me absorb the healing energy of lipids through osmosis.
SHEILA: Fascinating. So, explain to us how the food pyramid has flipped into what now appears to be a pizza slice?
CARBMAN: Yes, absolutely. For decades, we were told to eat fruits, cruciferous vegetables, and whole grains – or as I prefer to call it, the “rabbit diet.” But, hey, do I look like a rabbit to you? Turns out, those foods are loaded with phyto-confusionogens, a substance that clouds human judgment and causes individuals to buy essential oils from shady herbal supplement shamans named Amber.
Our studies show that people who consumed diets high in leafy greens suffered side effects such as smugness, excessive yoga, and spontaneous kombucha brewing. Plus, they are incredibly annoying to be around. Meanwhile, those on high-fat, high-sugar diets lived longer, had clearer skin, and reported having increased energy – that is, until the sugar crash kicked in.
SHEILA: Incredible. So… what does an ideal meal look like in 2037?
CARBMAN: We now recommend a breakfast consisting of bacon-wrapped Pop-Tarts, accompanied by a 20-ounce milkshake – preferably strawberry, as the pink food coloring has trace amounts of Vitamin W, which also is a pleasantly mild hallucinogen. Lunch should include as many cheeseburgers as you can shove down your pie hole. Speaking of which, a slice of pie is a recommended part of every lunch – unless you prefer a glazed donut.
For dinner? You have many options, but you can’t go wrong with a meat-lover’s pizza, cheese bread, and a side of nachos. For maximum health benefits, we recommend a hearty serving of three scoops of ice cream for dessert. And the closer to bedtime the better, our studies have found. This way, the glucose, trans fats, and saturated fats have more time to pump their way through your arteries throughout the night.
SHEILA: What about plant-based diets?
CARBMAN: Oh, dear Lord, no. I thought you were joking there for a minute. No, plant-based diets have been linked to irritability, depression, lower resistance to sarcasm, and chronic enrollment in spin classes. Tofu, in particular, was reclassified last year as an “edible form of sadness.” Legumes? Don’t get me started. Chickpeas are basically the Trojan horse of gastrointestinal unrest. The flatulence alone could scare away a herd of cows– which, by the way, should make up at least 30% of your daily caloric intake.
SHEILA: Wow. I’m personally on my third mozzarella stick cleanse this week, so this all comes as a relief.
CARBMAN: Exactly. Eat like your grandma used to before kale ruined everything. If your food contains more than one color and none of them are beige, you’re doing something seriously wrong. We now understand that glucose and sucrose are our dietary “best friends.” I came up with this helpful mnemonic: Don’t be Morose. Have more Glucose! When in doubt, Avoid Brussels sprout.
CUT BACK TO ANCHOR, CHIP PRINGLES (Chomping on a bucket of KFC chicken)
New research on diet concludes that many foods that were long thought to be bad for your health may actually help you live a longer, healthier, life – not to mention a much happier one.
Thanks, Sheila. Truly a mouthful of insight. So, to recap: Fat is good, sugar is essential, and quinoa may actually be a naturally occurring pesticide. Our thoughts and prayers go out tonight to new age lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow, who is reportedly being held in a preventive wellness quarantine until she has been able to deal with the shock of these findings.
But the surprises don’t end there. Coming up tonight at 11, our Channel 7 Healthy Lifestyles Series continues with a startling look at the dangers of moderate exercise. You’ve been told for years that daily workouts and an active lifestyle are pathways to longevity. But new science says: not so fast – literally. Slow down. Better yet, lie down. Our exclusive investigation reveals why even moderate walking could take years off your life – especially if your walks take you through high traffic areas.
That’s right. Scientists now believe that jogging, jazzercise, and even mild chair yoga may be doing far more harm than good. We’ll have expert analysis and take you inside the nation’s newest fitness trend: Sitting Still and Judging Others. More at 11.
Until then, this is Chip Pringles reminding you to toss out the tossed salad. Put your cottage cheese and bananas in the recycle bin. They are ticking time bombs on a mission to attack your vascular system. Make the smart choice. Have another slice of cheesecake. While you’re at it, it’s never too late to take up smoking again.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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