Christmas Day is just around the corner, a time of peace and love and harmony, unless you’re Jewish. But this year, our Christian values of tolerance and forgiveness are being overwhelmed by a cataclysmic war on a scale the world has never seen. The images we see on television are heartbreaking. When will this senseless war stop?
No, I’m not talking about the twelve-year war in Afghanistan, nor the civil war tearing apart Syria. I’m not even talking about the brutal Mattress Price Wars, although the televised images of those retailers viciously slashing prices before my very eyes is enough to make me cry. No, I am, of course, talking about something far more pernicious and deadly: The War on Christmas.
In her lovingly written new book, Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas, distinguished author and former Alaskan beauty pageant winner Sarah Palin launches into a heartwarming tirade in defense of Christian values against the onslaught of political correctness, the secularization of Christmas, and the abominations of atheists and liberals (which two groups are, of course, essentially the same). And I for one could not agree with her views more, even if I understood what she was talking about.
The 113th Congress is on track to become the least productive Congress since the time our nation’s ruler wore a crown and lived in a large castle with a drawbridge. Due to the increasingly partisan and ideological tone of the current Congress, the two parties seem dead set on preventing anything the other side proposes from getting passed into law.
The record for fewest pieces of legislation ever passed by a session of Congress was 88, in 1995. Through August, Congress has passed only 15 pieces of legislation. That’s five fewer laws than the number of parental edicts I have proclaimed in the past year (my most controversial one being “no more TIVO-ing Duck Dynasty marathons. I am a tough but fair ruler).
Millions of Americans are outraged at the incessant bickering, stonewalling and filibustering, which have paralyzed our nation’s legislative process. This has resulted in the lowest approval rating for Congress in its history – with 83% of Americans disapproving of the job Congress is doing. In the latest public opinion polls, Congress’s approval rating now trails Anthony Weiner’s popularity by 27 points. On the bright side, their popularity is still ahead of Adolf Hitler and The Black Plague by 6 points and 4 points respectively.
I believe it’s every American’s duty to do their small part to make our country a better place to live. That’s why I’m calling on President Obama to take immediate executive action to DEPORT MY NEIGHBOR BERT ZABLINSKI NOW! Have you seen his lawn? The last time his grass was less than a foot high, dinosaurs roamed the earth. And don’t get me started about his front yard collection of 47 plastic African garden gnomes or his 14-foot tall sculpture of Elvis giving the finger which he made using only Budweiser cans and Cheez Whiz.
Someone has to take action. Why not the President? I discovered this great web site called We the People, which lets you directly petition the White House. It gets over 300 petitions a day, many from people able to construct nearly complete sentences with nouns and verbs.
The We the People Petition-the-White-House web site was launched in September 2011, and has since received more than 142,000 petitions and 9.2 million signatures. The volume of petitions has spiked since Obama’s re-election in November 2012, mostly from disaffected white southerners furious about Obama’s apparent plans to take away everyone’s guns and require us all to convert to Islam. I must have missed that news story.
In case you’re just now emerging from a three-month coma or don’t have a television, you may have missed that Michelle Obama seems to be everywhere lately. Ever since she unveiled her brand new, trend-setting bangs in January, you almost can’t turn on the TV without seeing the First Lady. In February, she was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon where she and Jimmy performed The Evolution of Mom Dancing, which became an overnight You Tube viral sensation. Days later she announced the winner of Best Picture at the Academy Awards. And I’m pretty sure I saw her substituting for Judge Judy last Thursday. (Michelle ruled in favor of the beautician who warned her customer that a rainbow-colored perm… oh, never mind.)
If you can’t get enough of the First Lady, you’re in luck. View from the Bleachers has gained access to her upcoming schedule of appearances. She is one busy lady. Here is an exclusive sneak peak at her travel schedule for the next 30 days:
March 15: Travels to Rome to perform a dance video with newly appointed Pope Francis, grooving to the tune of The Harlem Shake. Zips over to Milan to welcome contestants in The Amazing Race to their next pit stop. (We at VFTB are rooting for the deaf lesbian twins. They’re so nice.)
In his remarks LaPierre argued forcefully that the problem is not that there are too many guns in America. The problem is that there are not enough of them. Putting the blame for youth violence squarely where it belongs, LaPierre argued that the problem is not that deadly weapons are almost as easy to buy as toothpaste. No, he argued, youth violence is caused by all the violence kids are exposed to in video games and movies like Toy Story 3.
The NRA’s solution? Place armed guards at every school, and arm every principal. Let every teacher pack heat. The fact that this is estimated to net over $150 million in additional domestic gun sale revenues for NRA-member gun dealers is sheer coincidence.
LaPierre’s core argument comes down to this: “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” Millions of gun rights advocates were disappointed by LaPierre’s comments, however, arguing that the NRA stance does not go nearly far enough to protect the rights of innocent gun dealers.
According to Farland McArmem, a gun rights advocate from Biloxi, MS, “The solution is obvious. Just let every man, woman and kid pack heat at all times. That way, nobody’s gonna start a fight. Just think how many lives could be saved if everybody was packing a Beretta PX4 Semiautomatic Pistol in their pants. Nobody would ever think of shooting another fella – unless of course, they knew the other fella’s gun was not a semi-automatic, like theirs was.”
Billy Bob Higgins, a gun dealer from Talladega, AL, agrees but feels McArmem does not go far enough. “Don’t leave out the Taser. Sure, we’d be safer with guns in every kid’s backpack, but what if Little Johnny’s weapon jams? You need a backup plan. That’s why I think every child should also pack a Taser. Remember the scene in Hangover when the cop lets the kid shoot Zach Galifianakis with the Taser? Man, was that awesome or what?”
Most gun rights advocates argue strongly against calls to ban semi-automatic and assault weapons, citing the Constitution’s Second Amendment. “It says right there in the Second Amendment,” notes Bubba Mentalfart, a gun collector from Stillwater, OK, “ ‘The right of the people to keep and bear semi-automatic, rapid-fire firearms with high-capacity clips and laser scopes, shall not be infringed.’ If God didn’t want us to have these guns, then why in the Hell did Jesus put it right there in the Constitution?”
Still others have equally well-thought-out solutions to gun violence. Cletus L. Lynchem, a paramilitary supply dealer from Spartanburg, SC, thinks the key is not only a better offense but a better defense too. “Sure it’s all well and good to arm our teachers and kids with guns. I’m all for that, of course. But that’s only half the battle. Parents should make sure their kids are dressed in a Kevlar bullet-proof vest. That way, if the killer gets off the first round, our kids will still be safe. And my store has a great collection of vests in kids’ and teen sizes. Check out this Hello, Kitty Kevlar vest. Ain’t it adorable?”
These gun rights advocates may not all agree on the ideal combination of assault weapons, bullet-proof vests, crossbows and night vision goggles. But one thing they all agree on is that guns aren’t the problem. Lack of guns is.
Gun control advocates throw out specious statistics like the 1996 complete ban of semi-automatic weapons in Australia. In the 18 years before the law, Australia suffered 13 mass shootings – but not one in the 16 years after the law took full effect. But NRA members make the point that Australia’s gun violence problem abated primarily because most Australians are in a constant state of inebriation and unable to locate the whereabouts of their weapons. That’s why the NRA now supports legislation lowering the drinking age to 11 – for safety reasons.
Some liberals argue that guns are far too easy to buy, noting that a shopper can purchase a semi-automatic rifle at any Wal-Mart store as easily as buying hair curlers and size-20 leopard-skin tights. But Constitution-loving gun owners point the finger of blame squarely at the person pulling the trigger – mentally ill people.
“Guns don’t kill people,” said an NRA spokesperson. “Deranged whackos with guns do. That’s why we’re pushing for legislation to immediately institute a complete ban on all mental illness.”
Buford Ghettacloo of Possum Trot, AL, summed up the gun advocates’ case persuasively: “Once they finally make being mentally ill a federal crime, that should solve this pesky problem once and for all. And the rest of us can go back to using our guns to shoot pheasants, Muslims and liberal commie politicians at rallies, the way Jesus taught us.”
And the debate goes on. (Lord, help us all.)
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: There is nearly one gun in the USA for every American, making this nation by far the most heavily armed country in the world. Please tell your Congressperson that stricter gun control legislation is long past due. There is no place in our society for assault weapons of any kind. The right to own a gun for hunting is not greater than the right to protect our families.
We continue this week with Part II of VFTB’s Annual Year in Review for 2012. If you missed Part I, don’t worry, you didn’t miss much. But you can check it out here. Let’s continue now with the Year in Review. Don’t skip ahead to December and spoil the surprise ending, okay?
July: The world becomes glued to their TV sets as the London Olympic Games take center stage. The Games’ most memorable moment comes during its Opening Ceremonies, when Queen Elizabeth makes a spectacular parachuting entrance into the stadium. Later in the games, however, Her Royal Majesty is ejected from the women’s javelin toss competition when one of her Corgis tests positive for steroids.
Unemployment continues to slowly abate as the USA posts its 28th consecutive month of job growth. Presumed Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney claims that if it were not for Obama’s failed economic policies, the nation’s unemployment rate would be negative 10% by now. Obama offers to buy Romney a new calculator.
Christmas Day is just around the corner, a time of peace and love and harmony, unless you’re Jewish. But this year, our Christian values of tolerance and forgiveness are being overwhelmed by a cataclysmic war on a scale the world has never seen. The images we see on television are heartbreaking. When will this senseless war stop?
