Recently the world’s one billion-plus Catholics were stunned by the news that, for the first time in almost 600 years, a living Pope has decided to step down. The 85-year-old Pope Benedict XVI recently announced his plans to resign on February 28, citing poor health and depression over scores of snarky comments his Facebook page has received lately about his red leather Prada shoes (most critics sniping that he should have gone with Gucci, an Italian brand).
Rumors are swirling about who will be selected as the next Pope. Las Vegas odds makers say the three front runners are:
Cardinal Peter Kodwo Appiah Tukson of Ghana
French Canadian Cardinal Marc Ouellet and
Cardinal Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga of Honduras.
Most of the mainstream press has completely overlooked a rather unexpected name which is being floated for consideration: Mine. Okay, so most of those rumors have been floated by yours truly. But even a cursory review of my qualifications makes me the obvious choice as God’s representative on Earth.
First of all, my name, Tim Jones, is much easier to pronounce than any of those other candidates I just listed. But that’s not all. Check out my impeccable credentials:
Every year since this blog began during the Nixon Administration, I have made bold predictions about the year ahead – in politics, world affairs, pop culture and advances in cutlery. I possess an uncanny ability to peer into the future and predict fascinating events no other prognosticators are able to see. The fact that my predictions historically have had about as much chance of coming true as Lady Gaga has of becoming the next Pope is the only small blemish tarnishing my otherwise stellar reputation.
To show you what I mean, here are a few notable predictions from previous years which would have been newsworthy except for the minor inconvenience that they failed to materialize:
2002: A resoundingly brisk victory will be won in the war in Afghanistan after just 11 months, and a flourishing democracy will spread throughout this previously troubled region. Afghani women will be elected to several prominent political posts, as Pakistan and the USA become bosom buddies.
[Tim Jones, noted humor writer and the driving force behind the humor blog View from the Bleachers, in a shocking press conference, admits to using banned performance-enhancing substances to help him write his column. Below are excerpts from that press conference.]
“This is not easy for me to admit. But the time has come for me to finally come clean. Rumors have been swirling about my behavior in recent months. And I simply could not live a lie any longer. For the first time anywhere, I need to make a public confession to all eleven of my readers:
For years I have been using banned performance-enhancing substances to help me produce my blog. And in the process, I’ve repeatedly lied to my readers, friends and family.
About the time people started wondering about Lance Armstrong, insiders started suspecting that I too might be using performance-enhancing substances to give me a competitive edge. They started noticing that my blog posts were getting increasingly unhinged. When I claimed in one post that I was a direct descendant of Jesus, it raised a lot of eyebrows. When I later wrote that I was contemplating switching my vote to Romney, my close friends and family members became deeply concerned about my mental state. But it was when I finally presented in one recent post my solution to America’s gun problem – arming every American with bullet-proof vests – that authorities could tell I had gone completely off the rails.
In his remarks LaPierre argued forcefully that the problem is not that there are too many guns in America. The problem is that there are not enough of them. Putting the blame for youth violence squarely where it belongs, LaPierre argued that the problem is not that deadly weapons are almost as easy to buy as toothpaste. No, he argued, youth violence is caused by all the violence kids are exposed to in video games and movies like Toy Story 3.
The NRA’s solution? Place armed guards at every school, and arm every principal. Let every teacher pack heat. The fact that this is estimated to net over $150 million in additional domestic gun sale revenues for NRA-member gun dealers is sheer coincidence.
LaPierre’s core argument comes down to this: “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” Millions of gun rights advocates were disappointed by LaPierre’s comments, however, arguing that the NRA stance does not go nearly far enough to protect the rights of innocent gun dealers.
According to Farland McArmem, a gun rights advocate from Biloxi, MS, “The solution is obvious. Just let every man, woman and kid pack heat at all times. That way, nobody’s gonna start a fight. Just think how many lives could be saved if everybody was packing a Beretta PX4 Semiautomatic Pistol in their pants. Nobody would ever think of shooting another fella – unless of course, they knew the other fella’s gun was not a semi-automatic, like theirs was.”
Billy Bob Higgins, a gun dealer from Talladega, AL, agrees but feels McArmem does not go far enough. “Don’t leave out the Taser. Sure, we’d be safer with guns in every kid’s backpack, but what if Little Johnny’s weapon jams? You need a backup plan. That’s why I think every child should also pack a Taser. Remember the scene in Hangover when the cop lets the kid shoot Zach Galifianakis with the Taser? Man, was that awesome or what?”
Most gun rights advocates argue strongly against calls to ban semi-automatic and assault weapons, citing the Constitution’s Second Amendment. “It says right there in the Second Amendment,” notes Bubba Mentalfart, a gun collector from Stillwater, OK, “ ‘The right of the people to keep and bear semi-automatic, rapid-fire firearms with high-capacity clips and laser scopes, shall not be infringed.’ If God didn’t want us to have these guns, then why in the Hell did Jesus put it right there in the Constitution?”
Still others have equally well-thought-out solutions to gun violence. Cletus L. Lynchem, a paramilitary supply dealer from Spartanburg, SC, thinks the key is not only a better offense but a better defense too. “Sure it’s all well and good to arm our teachers and kids with guns. I’m all for that, of course. But that’s only half the battle. Parents should make sure their kids are dressed in a Kevlar bullet-proof vest. That way, if the killer gets off the first round, our kids will still be safe. And my store has a great collection of vests in kids’ and teen sizes. Check out this Hello, Kitty Kevlar vest. Ain’t it adorable?”
These gun rights advocates may not all agree on the ideal combination of assault weapons, bullet-proof vests, crossbows and night vision goggles. But one thing they all agree on is that guns aren’t the problem. Lack of guns is.
Gun control advocates throw out specious statistics like the 1996 complete ban of semi-automatic weapons in Australia. In the 18 years before the law, Australia suffered 13 mass shootings – but not one in the 16 years after the law took full effect. But NRA members make the point that Australia’s gun violence problem abated primarily because most Australians are in a constant state of inebriation and unable to locate the whereabouts of their weapons. That’s why the NRA now supports legislation lowering the drinking age to 11 – for safety reasons.
Some liberals argue that guns are far too easy to buy, noting that a shopper can purchase a semi-automatic rifle at any Wal-Mart store as easily as buying hair curlers and size-20 leopard-skin tights. But Constitution-loving gun owners point the finger of blame squarely at the person pulling the trigger – mentally ill people.
“Guns don’t kill people,” said an NRA spokesperson. “Deranged whackos with guns do. That’s why we’re pushing for legislation to immediately institute a complete ban on all mental illness.”
Buford Ghettacloo of Possum Trot, AL, summed up the gun advocates’ case persuasively: “Once they finally make being mentally ill a federal crime, that should solve this pesky problem once and for all. And the rest of us can go back to using our guns to shoot pheasants, Muslims and liberal commie politicians at rallies, the way Jesus taught us.”
And the debate goes on. (Lord, help us all.)
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: There is nearly one gun in the USA for every American, making this nation by far the most heavily armed country in the world. Please tell your Congressperson that stricter gun control legislation is long past due. There is no place in our society for assault weapons of any kind. The right to own a gun for hunting is not greater than the right to protect our families.
You might think living in America’s friendliest town must be a fairy tale. Au contraire. It’s a living Hell. Forbes Magazine just came out with its ranking of the Friendliest Towns in America. Coming in at the #1 spot on their list? Sammamish, Washington, (true) my town for the past 22 years.
Sammamish beat out fierce rivals like Westerville, Ohio, Fishers, Indiana, Lake Wobegon, Hooterville, and the Merry Old Land of Oz for top honors. Forbes’s study ranked towns based on criteria such as crime rate, level of charitable giving, level of civic engagement, and the size of the check the town was willing to pay to Forbes Magazine to get listed as one of America’s friendliest towns.
Sammamish, a nice town of roughly 47,000 nice people, is nestled in the nice foothills of the Cascade Mountains – a convenient 20 minutes east of Seattle (or 2 hours and 40 minutes during rush hour). Thanks to its close proximity to Microsoft, Sammamish is an upscale community with low unemployment (5%), low crime (90% below the national average) and the nation’s highest level of double tall mocha addicts (97%).
Don’t get me wrong. The people of Sammamish are some of the nicest people you’ll ever want to meet. And that’s exactly the problem. They are really nice. Annoyingly, obnoxiously nice. By comparison, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood looks like the set of Real Housewives of New Jersey.
We continue this week with Part II of VFTB’s Annual Year in Review for 2012. If you missed Part I, don’t worry, you didn’t miss much. But you can check it out here. Let’s continue now with the Year in Review. Don’t skip ahead to December and spoil the surprise ending, okay?
July: The world becomes glued to their TV sets as the London Olympic Games take center stage. The Games’ most memorable moment comes during its Opening Ceremonies, when Queen Elizabeth makes a spectacular parachuting entrance into the stadium. Later in the games, however, Her Royal Majesty is ejected from the women’s javelin toss competition when one of her Corgis tests positive for steroids.
Unemployment continues to slowly abate as the USA posts its 28th consecutive month of job growth. Presumed Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney claims that if it were not for Obama’s failed economic policies, the nation’s unemployment rate would be negative 10% by now. Obama offers to buy Romney a new calculator.
Recently the world’s one billion-plus Catholics were stunned by the news that, for the first time in almost 600 years, a living Pope has decided to step down. The 85-year-old Pope Benedict XVI recently announced his plans to resign on February 28, citing poor health and depression over scores of snarky comments his Facebook page has received lately about his red leather Prada shoes (most critics sniping that he should have gone with Gucci, an Italian brand). 
