Marriage is one of the most wonderful experiences in the world, second only, some would argue, to not being married. All marriages have their ups and downs. If you ask me, the key to a long, happy marriage is to be patient, keep the lines of communication open, and at all costs, not to get sucked into shopping with your wife.
Nowhere are the fundamental differences between men and women more pronounced than by how we shop. There are two ways of going about this: the way women do it and the correct way. When men enter a retail store, the purchasing experience usually goes something like this:
Man: Do you have these sneakers in size 10?
Store clerk: Yes, we do.
Man: Great. Here’s my credit card.
The entire transaction lasts roughly the length of an Old Spice commercial.
For women, on the other hand, shopping involves a complex journey through countless retail stores on a quest for the elusive Hope Diamond of outfits. If you’re obliging enough to tag along, buckle up, buddy. You’re in for a long, exhausting ride. And if your wife insists on bringing your seven-year-old twins along for some new outfits, well, not to sound overly dramatic, but there’s a 10% chance you may not make it out alive.
Let’s back up. If your wife asks if you’d like to accompany her to the mall “to check out some sales,” there is, of course, only one correct answer: Over my dead body. I’d rather have a root canal. Now, to be clear, I don’t actually suggest you utter the aforementioned phrase verbatim. You might want to say it in code, such as, Oh, I would hate to get in the way of your fun afternoon. How ‘bout you call your friend Charlotte and have a girls’ day out. If that fails, follow up with, Here’s my credit card. This day is on me. I love you, Sweetie.
[Author’s note: Every day seems to bring a new stunning Trump scandal or controversy, so much so that the mainstream media simply can’t keep up. So, as a public service, VFTB has issued this generic news story the media can use at any time, when they don’t have time to cover the latest outrageous thing that comes out of the president’s mouth. – TEJ]
Dateline: Washington, D.C., Any Date 2018
BREAKING NEWS. President Trump stunned the nation this afternoon when he said something shocking and deeply disturbing. According to an anonymous insider, he did not tell anyone in advance that he was going to say it.
He apparently decided to go off script [choose one of the following:] at a meeting with Fortune 500 business executives / before a rally of his supporters / talking with fellow golfers at one of his resorts. He spoke extemporaneously – something that has created problems throughout his presidency.
Members of the mainstream media were aghast by the president’s highly controversial pronouncements. Some political pundits called his remarks “unhinged” and “a new low even for this presidency.”
Asked about the president’s disquieting utterances, House Speaker Ryan declined to give an opinion, saying, “I didn’t see his speech, so, I really can’t comment – unless Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham approved of what he had to say. Then, yes, I stand by my President.”
No one really knows why the president decided to say something so deeply divisive and seemingly ill-conceived. Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders initially denied that the president said anything inappropriate. Later, upon being shown the video, she questioned the sound quality. “I really can’t make out what he said due to the loud background music. Is that AC-DC’s Thunderstruck playing? I love that song.”
The president later doubled down, tweeting that he meant what he said and that anyone who disagreed with his observation is part of the fake news’ witch hunt against him. When shown the president’s tweet, Huckabee Sanders backpedaled, replying, “I’m quite certain he was joking. The president is known for his hilarious sense of humor.”
The President subsequently dispatched a memo declaring “I’m not joking.” Huckabee Sanders, asked if she still thought he was just clowning around, shrugged and said, “I feel a migraine coming on. I think I better lie down.”
Growing up, I routinely was on the receiving end of my dad’s lectures about how cushy my life was compared to his when he was a youth. “You have no idea how easy you have it, son. When I was your age, I had no television or radio … or heat … or friends. I did 16 hours of chores each week to earn the privilege of sharing a single bed with my younger brothers. And if I got less than straight A’s, for my punishment, I had to paint the barn – with a tooth brush.” At least, that’s how I remember it.
To be fair, my father, who grew up during the depression, had it much harder than I ever did. And my daughters, well, they lived in the lap of luxury, surrounded by computers and smart phones as they kept up with the Kardashians.
It got me wondering. How might my daughters harangue their own slightly spoiled offspring some 20 years from now? How would they contrive that their young lives in the early 2000s were oppressive? Perhaps that talk might go something like this….
Europa. I know you’re only twelve years old, but I am sick and tired of your incessant whining. You have no idea how easy your life is compared to what I had to endure growing up. When I was your age, I didn’t even have a hoverboard, let alone a levitating hover car.
My parents wouldn’t give me a smart phone till I turned 13. They were so strict. And to text anybody, I had to type on a keypad. That’s right. I literally had to enter a separate keystroke for every character. Telepathic texting was mere science fiction then. But these deprivations just made me stronger. I learned how to wait a full minute for a response to my Facebook posts. Don’t tell me you don’t know what Facebook was. You did a report on it in 5th grade history class.
[Author’s Note: America’s gun violence epidemic is no laughing matter. What happened in Parkland, Florida recently, resulting in the deaths of 17 students, teachers and coaches was horrifying. This post is my attempt to point out the lunacy of the lame response by Congress, most state legislatures and our president to the issue, because they are all too afraid to stand up and take on the NRA. – TEJ]
Dear President Trump,
Let’s be clear: I did not vote for you. But I have to admit – you’re doing an amazing job at Making America Safe Again.
I must say, whatever triggered your latest inspiration – to curb school shootings by arming teachers – is every bit as well-thought-out and necessary as your Mexican border wall idea – and nobody is more of a stable genius than you, Mr. President.
In your courageous tweet you advocated providing guns to 20 to 40% of the teachers in each school. According to the Department of Education, there are approximately 3.6 million teachers in schools across the nation. Now, I’m no math genius like you, Mr. President, but assuming 30% of the teachers are armed, that works out to roughly 1.1 million more guns in our schools. Great plan, sir.
Oh, sure, these teachers will need to spend a lot of time in training. But isn’t that a far more important use of their time than teaching students? After all, most of those kids aren’t paying attention in class anyway.
And it will no doubt cost a pretty penny to buy all these guns and train all these teachers on the proper use of firearms. But if I know you, you’ll probably just take the money out of the Medicaid budget. I’m sure you’ve figured that all out.
Congratulations on an outstanding Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea. And hey, that 22-year-old Mikaela Shiffrin was impressive on the giant slalom. Well done.
I just have one minor complaint to register: Why did you leave me off the team? I contacted you last summer, telling you I wanted to try out for the men’s freestyle aerials or half pipe or any alpine event you guys thought might attract babes. But nobody ever replied to my text message – which by the way I typed in ALL CAPS to get your attention.
I have to say, your decision to leave me off the roster is confounding. I demand an explanation. When I attempted to get on the team plane for PyeongChang, one of your staffers refused to let me board. I must say he was very discourteous, even after I flashed him a crisp new Benjamin to let me get past.
I demand to know why you refused to let me compete with the rest of the skiers. Was it because I’m 63 years old, and the next oldest competitor was 37? News flash: I checked, and age discrimination is totally against the law. Besides, I may be over 60, but sometimes I use Grecian Formula (dark brown), making me look closer to 50.
Was it because you learned I was married to a Canadian and you questioned my loyalties? Or were you worried my wife would get into a cat fight with the American women’s hockey players? Or maybe you learned about my humor writing and worried I might write a sophomoric column which would create an international incident. I doubt I’d do that (although I confess I’ve never met a South Korean figure skating judge I trusted).
Or was it the minor technicality that I failed to show up on the date of the U.S. Olympic trials last December? That’s extremely unfair. I just overslept that weekend and missed my plane to Park City, UT. I texted, asking about a make-up trial date, but nobody responded to that text either. Do you guys even read your text messages?
Marriage is one of the most wonderful experiences in the world, second only, some would argue, to not being married. All marriages have their ups and downs. If you ask me, the key to a long, happy marriage is to be patient, keep the lines of communication open, and at all costs, not to get sucked into shopping with your wife.
