Read my cautionary tale about my visit to a particular retailer (whose name I won’t reveal) in an attempt to redeem a gift card. It was a snap, if by “a snap” you mean as simple as deciphering the Da Vinci Code.
[The following is a 100% 98.7% true story.]
Recently, I had a rather unpleasant shopping experience involving a well-known retail establishment. I’d rather not mention the store by name, as I would hate for others to TARGET this chain with well-deserved, snarky tweets.
It started with a gift card from a friend for Christmas. A delightful surprise. But the process I endured to redeem it was, well, let’s just say I’ve had root canal surgeries that were more pleasurable – and took a lot less time.
Here’s what happened. My friend – whom I’d like to assume had positive intentions – gave me an online gift card to use at the afore-not-mentioned giant red & white-colored discount retailer. I printed it out and proceeded to the nearest store. I wandered through the aisles, stocking my cart with exotic splurge items like paper towels, light bulbs, and a plastic waste basket. Okay, so I lead a dull life.
I reached the checkout counter and presented my printout, showing the amount, bar code, and a couple long numbers, identified as the “gift Identification number” and “PIN code.” The cashier greeted me cheerfully. I figured I’d be in and out of this store in under 30 minutes. But the universe had other plans for me that day.(more…)
[Note from the staff at VFTB: This week, we are privileged to feature another LIVE CHAT with noted children’s religious scholar, Reverend Norman Tornquist, host of the popular webcast, “Kids, Ask Me About God”. Tornquist is the renowned author of several books, including God Loves Kids with Braces Too, and Skittles – The Devil’s Gateway Snack. We join the LIVE CHAT already in progress….]
This week, in honor of the Easter holiday, VFTB is proud to feature a LIVE CHAT with celebrated Christian scholar Reverend Norman Tornquist. He’ll tackle kids’ most thought-provoking questions about Easter, like Does Jesus have a bunny and Does Jesus like the licorice jelly beans?
Reverend Tornquist: Kids, this coming Sunday is a very special day. Does anybody know what day this Sunday is? Yes, Billy?
Billy (age 8): I think I know, Reverend Tormkiss. It’s Easter!
Tornquist: That’s right, Billy. It’s Easter. And my name is actually Tornquist. Tell me, Billy, what’s so special about Easter?
Billy: Mommy and Daddy give me a big Easter basket filled with colored eggs and chocolate eggs and lots and lots of yummy candy.
Tornquist: Well, that sure sounds like fun, Billy. But do you know anything else that’s special about this particular Sunday?
Claire (age 7): Oh, I know, I know, Mr. Tourniquet.
Tornquist: That’s Tornquist. I know, it’s a hard name to pronounce. What do you think makes this Sunday so special, Claire?
Claire: My mommy gives me a giant stuffed aminal bunny every Easter. I have six of them so far. Would you like to play with them?
Tornquist: Thank you, Claire. That is so nice of you to be willing to share. Actually, I was thinking of something slightly different. Easter also marks the day that someone very important re-appeared to let the world know that he was not dead but would live on. Any guess who I’m talking about, kids?
Henry (age 9): My pet hamster, Bubbles. Last weekend, he escaped under our backyard fence, and I thought he was gone forever. But then my mommy brought him home five days later – only, when my she found him, he had some extra white patches of fur that weren’t there before. Do you think that’s a miracle?
Tornquist: Er, um, maybe, Henry. Actually, Easter is not just about eggs or Easter Bunnies – or even hamsters. It’s about Jesus. Jesus died on the cross on Good Friday. But on Easter Sunday, he re-appeared and told his disciples that he was still alive and was going to ascend to Heaven to join his father to give all believers salvation. Now that’s quite a miracle, don’t you think, kids?
Kaitlyn (age 5): I am confused, Mr. T. Why was Jesus on a cross? What parent would allow their kid to play on a cross? He could get hurt. And who’s Jesus’ daddy anyway?
Tornquist: Jesus’ dad was God! And God loves you very much, Kaitlyn. Just like he loves all his children.
Kaitlyn: Wait! So, you’re saying Daddy is not my real dad. God is? Does Mommy know? Did I do something wrong? Is Daddy being replaced by God?
Tornquist: No, no, sweetie. Your Daddy is still your Daddy.
Kaitlyn: So, I have two daddies? Like my friend, Hailey? She has an old dad and a new dad, who’s not very nice, if you ask me.
Tornquist: No, Kaitlyn. You just have one daddy.
Kaitlyn: Could you make up your mind, Reverend Thornsquid? This God stuff is very confusing.
Tornquist: It’s Tornsquid!! I mean TornQUIST! I am sorry if this is confusing. My point is that this Sunday is the day we celebrate the wonderful story of Jesus.
Joshua (age 7): Will Jesus be bringing me an Easter basket filled with Sweetheart candies? Because, if you ask me, that would be a miracle, since the company that made them went belly-up a year ago, isn’t that right, Reverend Tornado?
Tornquist: Tornquist, just Tornquist. Is it really so hard to pronounce, kids? And Jesus brings us something even more special.
Joshua: So, he’ll be bringing me a ginormous Robot Easter Bunny?
Tornquist: Not exactly. Kids, I think we may be losing sight of the real meaning of Easter.
Charlotte (age 4): I agree, Principal Turtlekins. The real meaning of Easter is marshmallow peeps. I like the pink ones bestest. What color do you like?
Tornquist: It’s Reverend, and I have not really given peeps colors much thought. Easter is a time when we think about how Jesus came to save us all.
Noah (age 7): From what? Monsters? Because there’s a scary green one under my bed named ZORG, and I’m afraid to sleep alone. Will Jesus protect me and Bandit from ZORG?
Tornquist: Noah, who, pray tell, is Bandit?
Noah: He’s my hedgehog. He protects me from monsters. Jesus isn’t a monster, is he?
Tornquist: Of course not, Noah. Jesus is your friend. He loves you.
Abigail (age 3): But he’s still not bringing me an Easter basket, is he, Reverend Toadkill?
Tornquist: That’s Toadquist… I mean… I’m sorry, Abby, he’s not bringing you candy. But Jesus just might bring you something far more delightful. Want to know what that is?
Abigail: Unless it’s a live bunny, I’m a hard pass. I asked my dad for a bunny for Christmas, but all he got me was an Easy Bake Oven. I think my dad is sexist.
Tornquist: How old are you, Abigail?
Abigail (holding up three fingers): This many years. I like Pez.
Tornquist: You don’t say! Okay, kids, any other questions about Easter I can answer?
Elliott (age 8): Does Jesus have his own Easter Bunny? What’s its name? I like the name Snowball.
Tornquist: Still stuck on the whole Easter Bunny thing, are we? Kids, I have no idea if Jesus had his own bunny named Snowball. I don’t think bunnies were his thing. I think he hung out more with sheep. And he came to save the world.
Zoey (age 5): Including the bunnies, right? ‘Because if he doesn’t save the bunnies, then I don’t like Jesus. He better save all the bunnies. And the kitties. And the horsies. And the ducks and – …
Tornquist: Zoey, I think you may be thinking about Noah.
Noah: What??? I don’t have time to save all the animals. I have homework. And horsies stink!
Tornquist: I was actually talking about a different Noah, son. But that’s a story for another time. Any more questions about Easter, kids – OTHER than the Easter Bunny, that is?
Hunter (age 9): I do, I do, Mr. T.
Tornquist: Yes, Hunter. What’s your question?
Hunter: For Easter dinner, can you tell my mom to serve something besides ham? I’m sick of ham. She serves it every year!
Tornquist: I see. And what exactly would you prefer her to serve for Easter dinner, Hunter?
Hunter: A giant chocolate Easter Bunny! That would be awesome!
Tornquist: Sigh… Well, that’s all the time we have, kids. Join me next week for another session of “Kids, Ask Me about God”, when I’ll invite youngsters to ask about Adam and Eve. (Something tells me I may regret that topic.)
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
Look at this happy couple. They were smart. They planned far ahead for their golden years with a sound investment strategy. Her great grandfather was John D. Rockefeller.
A wise man once said, If a man’s wealth be measured in grains of rice, he could hold all the riches of the world in his hands. Okay, so that man was an idiot. He was also my Uncle Larry, and he died penniless – unless you count the 850 boxes of Minute Rice found in his basement after his funeral.
Thankfully, I did not follow Uncle Larry’s investment approach, though I am enjoying the Minute Rice he left us. In fact, I have accumulated a large amount of wealth over my lifetime – almost as much as I have lost. If you’re concerned you may not have saved enough to comfortably retire before the age of 75, you’re not alone. You’re still probably screwed, but at least you’ll have company.
Let me share a few pearls of wisdom. First, whatever you do, and you might want to get a pen to write this down: NEVER HAVE KIDS! They are insanely expensive. The ROI on progeny is like a buying a bond – it takes decades to see a profit – if you’re lucky. According to recent studies I just made up, the cost of raising a child through college is $4.9 million – even more if you indulge in orthodontia for their crooked teeth. Okay, maybe I’m overshooting my cost projections slightly. My point is, kids will drain your retirement savings.
Don’t get me wrong – I love my kids – almost 70% of the time. I’m just saying, think of all you could do with the mega-bucks you’d save by being a little more conscientious about birth control. You could buy a small island off the coast of Greece (other than Mykonos or Santorini – I checked – they are way out of your price range). However, if you glibly choose to ignore my advice and decide to start a family anyway, don’t say I didn’t warn you. (more…)
March Madness – a term that to millions of Americans means a time of excitement and anticipation as they root for their favorite basketball team. Or, in the case of our president, it refers to any random day between March 1 and 31.
It’s that time of year when millions of Americans take off early from work, head to the nearest bar, grab a seat in front of a large screen TV and go crazy with March Madness – perhaps the most exciting sporting event of the year. No, not the NCAA tournament, silly! I’m talking about the Big Show, MAGA March Madness.
Robert Mueller has officially submitted his report to Attorney General Barr. Now multiple congressional committee hearings are gearing up to subpoena witnesses and documents to determine who the most culpable parties are.
Throughout this saga, an entire nation will be fixated to see who the winners and losers are going to be in the epic legal and political battle about to unfold in Congress and in the courts. Office pools will form, as people place their bets on whether Donald Trump will survive the gauntlet of highly motivated opponents hoping to bring his reign as champion to an end.
View from the Bleachers, long recognized as the definitive source for inaccurate, sophomoric and wildly misinformed journalism, is pleased to be the first major (or minor) media organization to announce the 2019 MAGA March Madness Tournament Bracket pairings. First, here’s a peak at this year’s regions:
East Region: Russia Collusion
West Region: Campaign Finance Violations
South Region: Obstruction of Justice
Midwest Region: Fraud & Corruption
Here are the official bracket pairings, as announced by ESPN and the Justice Department:
All sixteen teams selected are formidable competitors. Any one of them has the track record to make it to the finals. But there was one surprise in this year’s pairings: For what is surely a first in the history of the March Madness tournament, one team has been assigned a spot coming out of all four regions – Donald Trump.
This would seem at first blush to give him a significantly unfair advantage over the competition. In response to fan protests, Trump said he earned this special seeding since he’s the world’s best deal maker. Indeed, one need look no further for proof of this than his tremendous success negotiating with Kim Jong-un. When asked in a press conference why he got so many slots, Trump simply smiled and remarked, “I deserve it,” adding, “No one is more deserving than me.”
In the West “Campaign Finance Violations” Region, Trump faces stiff opposition from several teams that he claims have been lying about his accomplishments for much of the past season. He contends that, “in the spirit of fair play”, they all should be eliminated from the tournament (and jailed), starting with his former attorney and fixer, Michael Cohen. But the committee has decided to let them play despite the President’s repeated ALL-CAPS tweet storms protesting, “SO UNFAIR! #SAD! #MAGA!”
To be sure, the Midwest “Fraud & Corruption” Region is no sleeper bracket either. It contains several high-powered opponents whose history of success and achievement Donald Trump has pointed out repeatedly (and taken credit for). One team to watch closely is First Son-in-Law Jared, whom Trump hired as a special advisor to handle all domestic and international affairs of state, so that Donald could focus on the most pressing demands of his presidency – tweeting, binging on Fox & Friends in his pajamas, and golfing.
Still other pundits argue that the region to look out for is the South: “Obstruction of Justice”. This field contains an embarrassment of riches. In fact, even the 4th seed – Republicans in Congress – is a serious contender to wrap up this bracket if Trump falters. This team has done a remarkable job over the past two years of slowing down any and every congressional investigation into the Trump campaign or presidency. They are in many ways the perfect complement to Team Trump’s corruption and obfuscation in that they never utter an uncomplimentary word about their Commander in Chief.
Still, many experts feel that the most compelling battle may emerge from the East: “Russia Collusion.” While Trump is the top seed in this region, many sports commentators make the case they should have given the top spot to Russian President Putin arguing that Trump is just following Putin’s game plan.
In examining the final bracket pairings, the committee had to make several difficult decisions as to who to let in and who to eliminate. Some noteworthy obstructers and fraudsters who ended up on the outside of the bubble looking in include First Daughter Ivanka Trump, Commerce Secretary Wilber Ross, Blackwater founder Erik Prince, foreign policy adviser George Papadopoulos, and dozens of Russian operatives, to name a few. The committee apologized to the aforementioned teams, acknowledging that they were all highly worthy of consideration in this prestigious field of schemers, liars, evaders, enablers and sycophants. But their efforts fell slightly short of the high bar of corruption needed to make the final selection. Maybe next year.
Who will win the prestigious MAGA trophy? That’s anybody’s guess. But President Trump, the number one overall seed, has repeatedly predicted that in the end, he will triumph. He has called all the other teams opposed to him losers and has declared that he is the only true WINNER in this tournament, and after he wins, he plans to finish building the Wall, which, by the way he tweeted is already mostly done.
Trump added, “If I don’t win the championship, then it just means it was rigged. Fake Refs. Hillary’s emails. #Lock her up!” Despite the end of the Special Counsel investigation, the congressional committees are just getting ramped up, so it’s way too early to know who will come out on top in the finals.
Let the games begin. Don’t forget to send in your own bracket picks, along with a check for $500, to VFTB’s MAGA March Madness tournament pool. The winning entry just might win the restoration of democracy in America (unless Trump wins, that is, in which case God help us all). Send in your brackets to NoOneIsAboveTheLaw@InPrisonYouCantTweet.com.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
Putin vs. Poutine. One is an evil, deadly killer that over time has ruthlessly attempted to slowly eat away at and destroy the safety of an unsuspecting country. The other is Vladimir Putin.
Every day I read another news story citing Russia’s ongoing attempts to de-stabilize America. And then there’s the increasing specter from China, with its treacherous plans to steal all our technology and hack all our phones.
We’re also told to be wary of the menace from our southern border, where thousands of terrorist Hispanic children with their Hello Kitty backpacks are preparing to invade us.
As serious as these threats are from our east, west and south, our government, in its futile efforts to protect the American people, is looking in all the wrong directions. The real peril – and it is a formidable one – is coming at us from the north!
I’m talking about the People’s Socialist Republic of Canada. I have always distrusted Canadians – especially this one particularly beautiful redhead “comrade” I have long suspected of being a spy – my wife. And seriously, how can any country be that nice?
It’s not the Russian Bear we should be worried about. It’s the great white Polar Bear lurching towards our 5,525 mile-long unprotected northern border. Canada may not have the military clout to conquer us (their entire military could fit into a Walmart Super Store). No, their tactic is far more devious and subtle. You’ve heard the adage, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”? Well, through the stomach is also the way to our demise – and it is how they plan to kill us.
How do I know this? Because I recently visited a Canadian family in Vancouver, BC. We took walks together, chatting about the challenges of living in a northerly country with only four hours of sunlight on a good day. We pondered whether Canadians will ever learn how to spell words like “color” and “theater” properly. We laughed. We bonded. I thought they were my friends. They even forgave me for living in a country that elected a president who thinks Canada’s capitol is the North Pole. (Every American knows Canada’s capitol is Toronto.)
The entire time I was in this perplexing alien land, folks were extremely polite and hospitable. My guard was down, and so they lulled me into a false sense of acceptance – and trust. Too late, I learned that secretly, they all despise Americans. Why? Perhaps they envy our ingenuity in creating Disneyland and the diaper alarm. Or maybe their shame over our women’s hockey team beating theirs for the 2018 Olympic Gold medal was too much. The truth is, I now believe my hosts were trying to kill me the entire time, and I have definitive proof.
On my final day there, my Canadian “friends” took me out to a popular local eatery for a last meal before I headed back home to the states. The specialty was a popular traditional Canadian meal called poutine (“poo-teen”) and they insisted I try it. I had no idea they intended this to literally be my LAST MEAL.
I know, you’re saying, “Tim, you sound paranoid!” But let me explain. This meal was created by the most dangerous specie of Canadian: the French Canadians – and is composed of greasy French fried potatoes mixed with large chunks of cheese curds, smothered in a thick blanket of beef gravy – or as it’s better known, the Three Pillars of Death. The portions are huge. The “Child Size” is so named, I believe, because it’s roughly the size of a toddler. My theory is that poutine was originally used as a substitute for mortar to adhere the ice blocks together on igloos.
Flashback to the cozy scene at the restaurant. Within minutes of gorging on this lard-based sludge with the consistency of wet cement, I could barely stand up. My dinner-mates were ever so solicitous as they ushered me into my car and bid me a fond farewell. I could hardly stay awake on the three-hour drive home. I could have died in a car crash – which in retrospect, clearly was their plan all along.
Poutine – a French Canadian dinner staple consisting of French fries, cheese curds and beef gravy that has become Canada’s signature meal – or as I call it, The Artery Assassin.
In doing research for this article (why are you laughing at the thought I might do research?), I learned that poutine is insanely high in saturated fat, cholesterol, and refined carbs, and causes instantaneous thickening of artery walls. In fact, a single serving (typically 5,000 ounces) can kill you (although in full disclosure, that’s more likely due to the waiter deliberately dropping the ponderous plate onto your head at the sound of your American accent.)
Fortunately, for me, I only ate a small portion of my 64-ounce “Infant” serving, or else, I’m fairly certain I would have suffered a heart attack – or at least a really bad case of indigestion.
What the mainstream media won’t tell you is that it’s all part of a nefarious plot to invite Americans to come to Canada, to help prop up their faltering economy, and then, when we least suspect it, serve us a truck-bed serving of poutine, so we’ll all keel over from cardiac arrest. Then they’ll take our cars, break into our homes –and steal our flat screen TVs and jewelry – while leaving a very thoughtful apology note on the kitchen counter.
I now believe Canadians are hellbent on destroying America. They have long been jealous of us, mainly because they are sick and tired of the NFL drafting all the best football talent before the CFL gets a pick. Their plan is to take us out, one unsuspecting football fan at a time, by offering to make us home-cooked meals of their artery-clogging poison.
You may be asking yourself, “Hey, if poutine is so deadly, why do Canadians keep eating it, and why aren’t they dying from it?” – to which I say: you ask really annoying questions. You’re forgetting that they’ve had a century to build up an immunity to this deadly concoction. They also drink maple syrup straight from the jar and consume Canadian bacon by the shovel-full, and yet somehow survive. Those bastards have arteries of steel.
America, it’s time to stop falling for all the Fake News stories about Russia, China and Mexico trying to undermine our great country. Our real enemy will be invading from the north. And they know the fastest way to bring us to our knees is through our pie holes.
Tonight, when you tuck your kids in bed, tell them you love them, promise never to make them write everything in two languages, and be sure never to let them visit Canada. Because if they do, they may never return, thanks to a poutine overdose – or perhaps because they will be duped by Canadians’ devious displays of hospitality, generosity and the country’s incredible natural beauty. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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