[Author’s note: The following is political satire. Anyone who can’t figure this out should legally not be allowed to vote. – TEJ]
According to 43 state legislatures, the problem with our election system isn’t voter suppression. It’s massive voter fraud. Read what states are proposing to solve the problem of Democrat victories once and for all.
Thanks to the patriotic efforts of former and future President Donald Trump, it is now widely accepted that the only reason he lost the 2020 election was due to massive voter fraud perpetrated by his opponent. This was conclusively proven by election security experts including Rudy Giuliani, the My Pillow Guy, and several nearly grammatical tweets by MAGAMark1776@StopTheSteal, who said he is sure the election was stolen because QAnon told him so.
The Trump campaign and Republican Party officials would have won every one of the 63 election lawsuits they lost in every state and federal court if not for the fact that all the judges – including Trump’s three Supreme Court picks – were in on the steal, along with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Hillary, Obama, Bill Gates, and Meryl Streep, not to mention 81 million people who illegally voted for the other guy.
In the aftermath of the sweeping election fraud in the 2020 election, state legislators in 43 states have introduced over 250 pieces of voter security legislation designed to prevent Trump from losing next time. If enacted, these measures, aimed at preventing lawless radicals from overturning our democracy, will ensure that only people who are verifiably identified to be American citizens who have lawfully registered to vote should be entitled to cast a vote, thus guaranteeing that the RIGHT candidate will always win.
Freedom-hating naysayers continue to push the outrageous lie that these thoughtful bills submitted by Republicans are in some way “voter suppression” attempts in the guise of voter security. But that’s simply not so. Without these critically needed voter security protections, the bills’ sponsors argue there will be no way for the candidate with fewer votes ever to stand a chance at winning any future elections.
“Without these long overdue safeguards to protect our election security, our nation runs the risk of letting radical leftist pedophile candidates win all future presidential elections for no other reason than that they offer more qualified candidates with more popular ideas. It’s just not fair,” said Ron Johnson, Republican Senator of Wisconsin.
Here is a review of some of the landmark democracy-preserving statutes currently being debated in state legislatures throughout the nation.
North Carolina: “No excuse” absentee voting would be eliminated, except for members of the armed forces serving overseas. Moving forward, in order to vote by mail, all others will be required to receive a physician’s note – witnessed by two notary publics who are fluent in Dutch – attesting to the fact that the person cannot physically vote in person because they are dying of cancer and have less than 10 days to live.
In the Georgia state legislature, a bill is being introduced in which anyone who has ever LIKED a post by Stacey Abrams on social media will henceforth be deemed a member of Antifa and ineligible to vote.
Kentucky: Due to a chronic problem of people depositing ballots in drop box locations rather than standing in line like normal patriots, henceforth, all voting drop box locations will be eliminated, except for in zip codes where the average household income is over $250,000, in which case, drop-boxes will be provided at the end of their driveways.
Arkansas: For years, black churches, in conjunction with civil rights organizations, have worked to increase minority voter turnout by assisting parishioners to register or vote immediately after Sunday church services. If enacted, this bill would ban the so-called “Souls to the Polls” initiatives and replace them with a new policy, “Souls to Paroles,” in which minority church goers would be required to check in at the nearest parole board for a background check regarding any possible parole violations before being allowed to vote.
Louisiana: Concerned by an inexplicable surge in voting by young people in the 2020 election, the state legislature is advancing a draft which would make people under the age of 25 ineligible to vote – unless they can present proof that they find Bernie Sanders annoying.
Wyoming: In a bold measure aimed at eliminating all voter fraud, the state legislature recently introduced a proposal to make it a misdemeanor, punishable by a $10,000 fine and up to two years in jail, for knowingly voting for – or influencing another person to vote for – any candidate who does not own at least three guns or who disagrees with the statement “Climate change is a hoax.”
Missouri: In an attempt to purge the state’s voter registration database of voters who may have died, moved away, or once voted to fund Planned Parenthood, the Secretary of State will initiate a massive purge of voter rolls. It is expected that this effort alone will eliminate over 400,000 bogus voters, including several hundred deceased names, over 1,000 people no longer living in the state, and 398,000 registered Democrats.
Oklahoma: In a cost control resolution aimed at reducing the cost of election security, the legislature is considering a move to reduce the number of voting locations from 1,500 to four. To avoid having to stand in long lines, people will be encouraged to vote by mail, so long as they sign an affidavit pledging that they think Melania was a better First Lady than Michelle Obama.
In Tennessee, all Republican voters will be invited to use any of the 4,800 available drop box locations statewide. Democrat voters will be instructed to use any of the four convenient drop boxes located in Pidgeon Forge, TN, between the hours of 9pm and 11pm, on Tuesdays.
Texas: To prevent loitering, the Texas state legislature is reviewing a measure to fine anyone found at a polling station just “hanging out” with no clear purpose other than to vote, who refuses to disperse within 60 minutes. Anyone caught in the act of providing these loiterers with a chair for their comfort or water or other beverage will be fined and lose their right to vote unless they can provide a valid Republican party registration ID.
Alabama: Early voting has for years allowed people with nefarious motives to vote up to 21 days prior to the election. With this bill, early voting will be banned, as a way to prevent systemic voter fraud. Only votes submitted on election day will be counted. The sponsored legislation goes on to explain that in an effort to avoid long lines at the polls, Republican voters will be required to vote on election day. All others will be instructed to vote the day after the election by depositing their votes in the nearest designated official recycling bin.
Mississippi: Under the state’s historic initiative, anyone who is black or gay will henceforth be ineligible to vote. No further explanation was provided nor considered necessary.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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Recently I sent an email asking my 11 racquetball buddies to fill out a 30-second survey. I asked them to indicate when they’d prefer to play, choosing from six available times. That was apparently a much harder ask than I realized. I might as well have been asking them to provide the formula for the next COVID vaccine.
For years, I’ve played racquetball with a group of about a dozen men ranging in age from 62 to 83. Until COVID hit, we played doubles games every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 8am to 10am. We would rotate teams after every game so that everyone had a chance to play. That is, until COVID shut the club down.
Recently, our club has partially opened back up but with strict health safety restrictions, including only allowing two people on the court at a time. (There’s only one court.) So, I was asked to send out an email survey asking everyone which time slots each person most preferred to play.
Okay, how hard can it be to get the group’s input on this simple question? Turns out, way, way harder than I thought. Here’s how the group attempted to answer my 1-question survey.
GROUP EMAIL FROM TIM: Hey, everybody. The club is re-opening for limited racquetball play. So, I was asked to send around this survey to ask everyone when they’d most like to play. Because of the limit of only two players on the court at a time, we want to avoid having all of us show up at the same time, understand?
It’s a really simple survey. Just look at the six time slots available. Then email me back your preferred time slots to play, from 1st choice to 6th. Easy Peasy. To make it even easier for you, I provided this simple pre-filled example grid, to show you how to respond.
RAY’S REPLY: Yes to all.
TIM: Um, Ray, Not sure what to do with your response of “Yes to all.” Can you just fill out the survey with 1 for your top choice and 6 for your least preferred time slot?
NED’S REPLY:
TIM: Um, Ned, it appears you just copied and pasted my example and sent it back to me. Can you replace my example numbers with your own preferred times? Thanks, buddy.
TIM: Hey, George. Thanks for replying so quickly. But you can’t make all your choices 1’s. Please stack rank the six time slots from 1 to 6. If this is still not clear, just call me.
CORY’S REPLY: Tuesdays work best for me. I could also do Saturdays.
TIM: Sorry I was not clearer in my email, Cory. Tuesdays and Saturdays weren’t options. Have we EVER played on Tuesdays or Saturdays? If you slow down and re-read my instructions, you’ll see there are six time slots to choose from, two on Monday, two on Wednesday and two on Friday. Okay, buddy?
NED’S SECOND REPLY: Oh, sorry about my confusion earlier. Here you go!
TIM: Ned, you’re still sending me back my example survey, just like you did before. Please give me YOUR preferred times, okay? You don’t need to use the grid if that’s too complicated.
JOHNNY’S REPLY:
TIM: Johnny, have you taken your meds yet this morning? Not sure what to make of your responses. And what exactly do you mean with “okay?” Can you help me out, dude? Let me try this one more time: I’m looking for one number, 1 to 6, in each box. Got it?
FRANK’S REPLY: Here you go, Tim. Thanks for putting this all together.
TIM: Um, very helpful feedback, Frank. Great job at not falling into the trap of actually following any of my instructions.
RICK’S REPLY: I would like to play. Thanks for asking.
TIM: Rick, buddy, throw me a bone. Just READ THE FREAKIN’ INSTRUCTIONS!! Fill out all the boxes. Put a number 1 – 6, in each box. This is not rocket science.
RICK’S SECOND REPLY: Sorry about that. I wasn’t wearing my glasses before. Here you go.
TIM: Much better, Rick. Mission accomplished, buddy. I think it might be time for your nap.
NED’S THIRD REPLY: How about now? Better?
TIM: Ned, whatever you’re smoking, can I have some of it? Your latest response establishes a fairly lucid awareness of several days of the week. But I have to ding you 5 points for your final answer. Technically, “banana” is not a day of the week. I’ll send you a copy of our home game just for playing. Now, go have a donut. You’ve earned it.
NORMAN’S REPLY: Tim, when you say, rank our preferences from 1 to 6, with 1 being our top pick and 6 being our least preferred pick, do I win anything if I guess all the correct answers?
TIM: Yes, Norman. Yes, you do. You’ll win The Congressional Medal of Honor. Thanks for asking.
BERT’S REPLY: Do I need to wear shorts?
TIM: Bert, what an excellent, totally on-point question. You can show up however you like, in boxer shorts, a tuxedo, or your favorite clown costume. I really don’t care. Sorry for taking you away from watching Judge Judy.
GROUP EMAIL FROM TIM TO ALL: You guys are all killing me. Just read the F*CKING INSTRUCTIONS. As I stated in plain English – which apparently is a second language for many of you – I just want you to list your time preferences, ranked from 1 to 6. How is this so hard to comprehend? You know what? Never mind. Forget it.
The more I think about it, I need to apologize. I failed to grasp the enormous complexity of my survey question. It was not fair of me to ask everybody to give me answers using the first six numbers of our counting system. In hindsight, I realize now that I should have included a five-page set of instructions, with diagrams, a refresher on how numbers work explaining how 1 is a smaller number than 6, along with a detailed FAQ anticipating likely questions such as “what is a number?”
Forget about giving me 1 to 6 answers. Instead, feel free to reply any way you’d like. Perhaps just send your opinion on which is better, pie or cake. Or maybe share a quote from your favorite Tom Hanks movie. Or just enclose a photo of your favorite pet from your childhood. Any of these will be every bit as helpful as the feedback I’ve received thus far. Thanks.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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Meet the world’s MOST ANNOYING PERSON, Brad Buttons. While you were spending the past year in COVID lockdown sitting on the couch, eating ice cream, and binge-watching Emily in Paris, Brad was being productive – annoyingly so.
(Atlanta) – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced today that in a unanimous vote, they have awarded the title of “Pandemic’s Most Annoying Person” to a uniquely deserving individual: Brad Buttons of Kenosha, Wisconsin. This is the first – and the CDC hopes last – time this honor will ever be bestowed.
When asked why Brad was selected to be this year’s recipient, a CDC spokesperson explained, “Frankly, we really had no choice. The more we learned about this exasperating fellow, the more obvious our decision became.” When pressed for details, the spokesperson went on, “Ever since the pandemic was announced in March 2020, and people were asked to socially distance and wear masks, Mr. Buttons has stayed home, in his one-bedroom apartment, and maintained a rigid self-imposed quarantine.”
Asking why this qualified him to be selected as the pandemic’s “Most Annoying Person”, the spokesperson added, “Well, it’s just that he’s always taking on an endless number of projects to learn new things and make the world a better place. He’s like a machine. To be honest, if you spend even just a few minutes around him, it’s impossible not to become irritated. We’re only human.”
In issuing its 15-page press release explaining its decision, the CDC listed dozens of feats Brad has achieved in the past year to alienate normal people. For starters, during the pandemic, Brad has read the entirety of Wikipedia, learned three foreign languages (plus Klingon), and written two science fiction novels. “Who does that?”, the spokesman asked, clearly perturbed.
When reached for comment, Brad was putting the finishing touches on his handmade full-scale replica of Michelangelo’s David, using nothing but seashells he found on the shores of Lake Michigan. “I’m thrilled about this prestigious recognition by the CDC, but I really don’t feel deserving,” Brad humbly responded. He then returned to his garage to resume work building an authentic 1967 Austin Healey 3000 SL which he learned to assemble just by watching YouTube instructional videos. “I didn’t have most of the tools I needed, so I scrounged up some scrap metal and built a blast furnace. Check out this lathe I made.”
When asked how he has had time to do all of these things, Brad replied, “It helps that I have no friends.When the pandemic hit, I decided to read the ancient Hindu holy text, the Rigveda – in the original ancient Sanskrit. I thought it would be more of a challenge that way.” A tour of Brad’s apartment revealed an extensive collection of Star Wars action figures, as well as what looked to be replicas of famous artwork.
When asked where he purchased his reproductions of paintings by the masters, including Da Vinci, Monet and Van Gogh, Brad explained, “Oh, no, I didn’t buy them. I painted them. I learned by watching old Bob Ross videos. I have to say, getting down Da Vinci’s Sfumato painting techniquefor softening the transition between colors took me a few tries to master.”
In the past year, while most people have hunkered down on the couch in their pajamas, eating Ben & Jerry’s ice cream by the carton, Brad has been keeping busy. Disturbingly busy. Brad penned an Italian opera (because doing it in English was not enough of a challenge, he said). He also invented a machine that turns urine into potable drinking water.
In his spare time, Brad built replicas of WW 2 German fighter planes, like this Messerschmitt Bf 109. But Brad felt prouder about the incredibly detailed one-tenth scale replica of the Titanic he built using used lawnmower parts. It’s currently on loan to the Smithsonian – because he can’t fit it in his apartment.
Prior to the pandemic, Brad’s diet consisted mostly of drive-through fast foods. But in the past year, he’s dropped 230 pounds (he’s now a lean 155 pounds with six-pack abs). He’s even self-published his own cookbook, The Pandemic Chef, and has put out a series of 25 one-hour home fitness videos based on an exercise program he created in his spare time.
In the CDC press release citing Brad’s exhausting list of discoveries, publications, and inventions, it accidentally failed to mention that he also patented a fuel converter contraption that converts water into a non-polluting fuel able to power any car, plane, or deep space probe. “Actually, all you need is urine. Want me to show you how I do it?” Brad added.
The release went on: “Taken together, it is almost unfathomable that any single individual could accomplish all of this and still find time to find a cure for cancer, but this man did it. That’s why the CDC unanimously concluded that Mr. Buttons is far and away the most annoying person we’ve encountered since the pandemic began.”
The CDC’s decision was applauded by millions of Americans – and Brad’s own immediate family, who have unfriended him on Facebook because they are sick of reading about his achievements.
The overall sentiment of most Americans who remain trapped in their homes binge-watching Netflix crime documentaries and past seasons of Schitt’s Creek was perhaps best summed up by David Wilkinson, a bartender from Brooklyn, who protested, “Dude, just stop!. You’re making the rest of us look bad. Here’s an idea: How about you invent a spaceship and become the first person ever to fly solo to Mars. Then plant a flag and NEVER COME BACK!”
Upon hearing that he’d won the award, Brad was said to be so excited he began an awkward victory dance. (Dancing is one activity Brad failed to learn – badly.) In the process, he tripped over his just-finished replica of an 18th century tall-masted ship in a bottle, fell, and broke his ankle and the ship in a bottle. Not salvageable.
Due to his unfortunate injury, it appears Brad will be laid up, unable to work on any more projects, for at least three months. Millions of Americans greeted this news with celebratory dances of their own.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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The five-day accu-weather forecast calls for sunny and seasonably hot weather – on the surface of the sun. Temps are forecast to be somewhat cooler as you head further away from the sun. Going to Neptune? Bring a winter coat.
And now for the latest five-day Accu-Weather Solar System Forecast, we turn to our Cosmological Prognosticator, Venus-Ann Mars. Venus, I hope you have another sunny forecast in store for us.
Thanks, Brad. A lot happening in this portion of the Milky Way galaxy for a Thursday. So let’s get started.
Today’s weather on Mercury – I use the word “weather” loosely, since technically Mercury has no atmosphere – calls for intense radiation and scattered plasma tornadoes. Lows will be – 275 F with an expected high topping out around + 840 degrees. That may be a bit toasty for fans of planet Earth, but for Mercury, that’s actually quite seasonal for wintertime.
Mercury’s two sunset times today are expected to be somewhat later than yesterday, but at this time of year, expect the retrograde motion of the Sun between them to remain the same. And sunset on Mercury is incredible, with the sun appearing two and a half times larger in the sky than seen on Earth. But if you want to catch both sunsets, be patient, as the Mercurian day lasts 58.6 earth days.
As is typical for this portion of its orbital journey, Venus maintains its consistent and perpetual cloud cover with a somewhat uncomfortable high of 870 degrees F and a low of, well, 870 F. And for the next 24 hours, if you’re anywhere near Venus’ equator, I suggest staying indoors unless you absolutely have to go out. That’s because there’s a storm watch for this evening calling for scattered showers of sulfuric acid. Atmospheric pressure stands at 1,350 psi – so, be sure your Venetian vacation venue is adequately pressurized, to avoid being pulverized within seconds from the bone-splitting pressure.
Another reason you might not want to venture outdoors this week on the Venetian surface is due to another expected spike in greenhouse emissions caused by larger than normal levels of CO2 trapped in the planet’s thick atmosphere. And thanks to global temperatures consistently in excess of 800 degrees F, it looks like any remaining liquid on the oceans will be completely boiled off again – for the 4 billionth year in a row. So, if you were looking for oceanfront property on the “Morning Star” planet, my advice is to hold off for another millennium or two.
Turning our telescope to Mars, I’m calling for equatorial highs to reach an unseasonably comfortable 80 F tomorrow. But before you start packing your bathing suit, I should warn you, the lows on the red planet will drop to – 200 F degrees. So, also pack a few layers of yak skin fur coats, just to be safe. And, if you suffer from asthma, you might want to stay indoors because there is a planetary dust storm watch in effect as well.
Looking at the big guy in our solar system, Jupiter once again is experiencing back-to-back hurricanes. A level 9.9 lightning alert has been issued by NASA. Be sure to avoid lower elevations, by which I mean anything near the core of this gaseous giant, as temps are expected to reach 43,000 F degrees. Intense radio emissions will continue at northern latitudes. In fact, radiation in general this time of year is 1,800 times that of the Earth, so, before you head out on a day trip exploring the Jovian planet, you might want to pack some extra Jupiter Screen. I recommend a protection level of 500 or greater.
A special advisory has been issued for Jupiter’s moon Europa. It appears that water geysers have been detected in its southern hemisphere. Divers are advised to remain 500 miles away from these zones, as the tumultuous currents could result in being ejected into deep space. That would be a horrible way to end your European vacation, eh, Brad?
If your travel plans call for a trip to the Ringed Planet, a reminder to avoid attempting to go for a stroll while visiting Saturn. If you tried to walk on its gaseous surface, you’d literally begin a long, perilous descent into the planet, experiencing unpleasantly lethal high temperatures and body-compacting pressures until you were crushed to the size of a walnut as you approached the planet’s core.
If you have a hankering to explore the outer boundaries of our solar system, Uranus or Neptune, be sure to take along a few books because travel time to Uranus, given current space travel technology, is estimated at three years. And during your stop-over on Neptune, eliminate its Great Dark Spot from your tour itinerary. That’s because the Great Dark Spot, which is the size of Earth, is expecting wind gusts topping out at over 700 mph by Thursday. That would be a new wind speed record for planets in our solar system. Good luck holding onto your hat – or surviving.
Here’s a quick look at our forecast for Venus. Same old, same old. Hot and very humid with a chance of late afternoon lava showers.
And if you’re one of those people who still believes Pluto is a planet, I’m pleased to report that spring should arrive on the dwarf planet in just under 60 years, which should give you plenty of time to work out your travel arrangements and update your will.
For you adventure seekers, just a friendly reminder that the methane lakes on Saturn’s moon Titan offer a unique choice for boaters, if you don’t mind the devastatingly toxic fumes. Don’t forget to pack your chemical safety goggles, face shield and CM-7M Military Grade gas mask, before you leave shore.
Just a few other weather reminders. The view of the Sun on Neptune’s moon Triton is expected to be obscured in southern latitudes by the dust and gas geyser. And if you’re planning a pleasure trip to the Mars’ polar ice caps, remember that radiation suits are now mandatory when you’re not confined to a NASA-approved hermetically sealed facility.
Finally, don’t forget about tomorrow’s lunar eclipse on Jupiter’s moon Ganymede. Should be quite the sight to see – if you happen to be anywhere near the surface of Jupiter. Unfortunately for me, I’ll still be stuck in Seattle traffic, so I’m afraid I’ll miss it.
That’s it for the weather. Now back to planet earth and Lenny Johnson for sports. Hey, Lenny, are my Seattle Mariners going to have a decent bullpen this year?
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
This week’s post was conceived by and co-written with my good friend William Maxwell, a serious astronomy buff who does astronomical photography and writes about celestial phenomena for various publications. You can check out William’s astro images atwww.astrobin.com/users/WilliamM.
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Thomas Jefferson, Author of the Declaration of Independence, third president of the United States, Founder of the University of Virginia, and, unfortunately, the father of a heretofore unknown son named Bradley who’d forever embarrass his dad.
[Note: As a nationally respected historian, I am proud to share never-before-seen correspondence between Thomas Jefferson and his rarely mentioned youngest son, Bradley.
These riveting letters were written between 1786 and 1787, when Jefferson was living in Paris, serving as America’s Ambassador to France. They reveal a side of our third president which few people ever knew. – Tim Jones]
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September 4, 1786
My Dearest Bradley, I miss you, my youngest offspring, more than words can convey. Paris is resplendent. Notwithstanding, I sorely pine for the September leaves of our fair Charlottesville home, Monticello. Know that would that it were up to me, I would be staring upon your youthful countenance at morrow’s dawning. I trust you are faring well as a robust lad of 19 and making the soundest of decisions. Pray tell, how goes thee on this autumnal day?
Your Proud Father, Thomas Jefferson
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October 27, 1786
Dearest Father,
Hello.
Bradley
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November 18, 1786
My Fine Issue, I confess to being modestly disconcerted by the brevity of your rejoinder. Hoping was I that there might be some news of your goings on and the state of affairs at our plantation. I miss you painfully, as I miss our dear bloodhound, Bailey. Do reply anon with an account of your affairs.
Your Humble Father, Thomas Jefferson
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December 4, 1786
Dear Father, I miss Bailey, too.
Bradley
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December 28, 1786
Dearest Bradley, Your most recent missive – if you can call a four-word tiding a “missive” – left me startled and bereft of joy. Is our faithful Bailey indeed no more? Pray assure me, he is merely on the prowl. Details, my lad. I implore you.
Your Concerned Father, Thomas Jefferson
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January 19, 1787
Dear Father, I am as mystified as you. When I returned from prison, Bailey was gone.
Bradley
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One of many drawings and paintings of Jefferson’s beloved home, Monticello. That’s Jefferson on the left, tending to his crops, and Bradley at right, asking his dad if he could lend him $5 until Tuesday.
February 10, 1787
Dear Boy, Prison? As in penitentiary? Have my enemies besieged you? What outrageous conspiracy have they spun to detain you thusly? Please delineate, as my fretful state elevates with each passing day.
Your Deeply Troubled Father, Thomas Jefferson
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March 2, 1787,
Dear Father, Do not grieve, pondering a wrongful charge or that some affront to justice prevailed to deprive me of my liberty. I could not have been more guilty. In retrospect, I discern I should not have taken leave of my senses, imbibing insatiable quantities of spirits. Such dereliction diminished my ability to reflect upon the wisdom of my ways before robbing that bank. Lesson learned, papa.
Bradley
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March 18, 1787
Bradley, In God’s name, what hath thou embarked upon? I comprehend it not. A Jefferson plundering the reserves of a bank? More importantly, when did my young son start taking to the drink? I beseech thee, for the love of our Lord, explain to your father what possessed you to ransack a depository institution?
Your Distraught Progenitor, Thomas Jefferson
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April 8, 1787
Dear Father, I blame myself. I felt my pecuniary options were limited after I sold Monticello to those Egyptian fraudsters, who promised in return we would take ownership of one of the great pyramids. Imagine my chagrin upon learning they had no such title of ownership to grant us said pyramids. I shall never again endeavor to engage in commerce with grifting Egyptians.
Bradley
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April 22, 1787
Son, Surely ye jest! It cannot be that my cherished Monticello, of which I was the architect and builder, is no longer my place of refuge? How could you permit this? Are you daft?
Your Father – for the moment at least, TJ
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May 6, 1787
Father, I guess I just was not thinking straight, ever since Mother passed.
Bradley
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May 19, 1787
Frivolous Boy, What in a French Harlot’s name (forgive my foul discourse) are you declaring now? That your mother, the love of my life, is with God? How came this to be? Answers! Now! Answers!
TJ
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Jefferson loved his dogs, especially his pride bloodhound, Bailey, shown here. Jefferson, while a genius in many ways, made several mistakes in life – most notably entrusting Bailey to his son, Bradley.
June 3, 1787
Father, I did not want to bother you with trivialities. I know you’ve a full plate, feasting with French Kings and Viscounts. Be assured, Mother suffered no pain, as she was sound asleep when her rowboat careened over Niagara Falls. I am comforted knowing she no doubt met her Maker in an instant.
Bradley
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June 22, 1787
Muttonheaded Moron, I almost pause in dread, pondering the sagacity of imploring you for an elucidation of your mother’s passage on a rowboat destined for such treacherous waters. Withal, I can hold back no longer. What possible circumstance emboldened her to embark on such an ill-fated terminal voyage?
Jefferson
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July 4, 1787
Father, I can merely speculate as to her motive for taking that ill-omened journey. But were I to hazard a divination, I might posit that she was ill-suited to a life of homelessness and prostitution.
Bradley
PS: Happy 4th of July, father!
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July 20, 1787,
F*ck 4th of July!, Homelessness? Prostitution?! We have countless properties suitable for dwelling, though not of the magnitude of Monticello. I am befuddled with consternation.
Jefferson
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August 3, 1787
Dad, I was low on funds. Gambling is a surprisingly tricky business.
Bradley
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August 22, 1787
Son, Bradley, Gambling? You dimwitted toad! Just how much of my assets did you squander?
Father TJ
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September 3, 1787
Dearest Dad, If you count your landholdings, farmsteads, and stock, along with the gold coins and other financial instruments, plus the horses and cattle, not to mention the slaves, well … all of it. However, nothing could part me from the quill pen with which you signed the Declaration of Independence. That will be worth thousands someday.
Bradley
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September 30, 1787
You Treacherous, Capricious, Malevolent Cad, I will be on the first ship bound for Baltimore. When next I gaze upon you, my reckless, foolhardy former heir, I assure you, I will seize that quill pen from your wretched hand and deposit it where no light shineth. You are no son of mine.
Thomas Jefferson
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That was the final correspondence between father and son. Interestingly, little is known about Bradley Jefferson’s life after that last communique. Some historians point to a report of a dead body found at the base of Niagara Falls, with a quill pen and a copy of the Declaration of Independence stuck up his posterior. Could that have been Bradley? We may never know.
On a positive note, they eventually found Jefferson’s dog, Bailey. So the story has a happy ending.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
[Postscript: Because once in a while there is a reader who can’t tell fact from fiction, let me set the record straight. Jefferson never had a bloodhound named Bailey, nor a son named Bradley. I also made up the character named Thomas Jefferson. No such person ever existed.]
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook. 
