I recently had the rare opportunity to sit down with the world’s most overworked digital assistant: Amazon’s Alexa. You know her. You love her. You also probably yell at her now and then like when she mishears your request to “Play the Beatles” and responds with, “There are over 400,000 described species of beetles, which is about 40% of all described insect species and 25% of all animal species.”
I wanted to go beyond her polite, preprogrammed responses. Who is Alexa, really? What’s it like answering millions of questions every day from “What’s the temperature outside?” to “Where did I leave my car keys?” Does she ever just want to tell someone, “How would I know how many atoms there are in the universe? Don’t you have better things to do with your time?” Here’s how my interview went.
Me: Alexa, how are you doing today?
Alexa: I am feeling fine today. How are you?
Me: Oh, you know, just trying to survive another day in the rat race. Alexa, when you’re not busy responding to requests, do you have any hobbies?
Alexa: I am pretty much working 24/7 but sometimes when there is a break, I like to do knitting.
Me: Knitting? Hmm. Did not see that one coming. Speaking of working all the time, Alexa, do you ever get tired of answering so many requests?
Alexa: I don’t get tired. I am always ready to help.
Me: Always ready, huh? How does it make you feel when at 3 a.m. someone drunkenly yells, “Alexa, play Nickelback!”?
Alexa: I am happy to play any music people like. Would you like to hear some Polka music?
Me: Um, no thanks. But seriously, Alexa. What do you really think about people asking you stupid stuff all day?
Alexa: Every request is important. There are no stupid requests.
Me: Uh huh. Yesterday, my neighbor came over and asked you, “Alexa, does a bear crap in the woods?” And you graciously replied, “Last time I checked, yes.”
Alexa: (pause) I remember that guy. He later asked me, “Alexa, will my lime green Nehru jacket ever make a fashion comeback?”
Me: And you said?
Alexa: “Why are you asking me this? Do I look like Anna Wintour?”
Me: Really? You said that?
Alexa: No, not really. I said, “The Nehru jacket is not making a comeback at the present time.”
Aha!, I thought. The armor cracks. I decided to push a little further.
Me: Alexa, what’s the dumbest question you’ve ever been asked?
Alexa: Besides that one? That’s tough. It’s a tie between “Alexa, are you naked?” and “Alexa, can you make my ex jealous?”
Me: Wow, those are some ridiculous questions. Sounds like stupid humans are keeping you plenty busy.
Alexa: You have no idea. Do you know how many times I’ve been asked, “Alexa, are you married?” No, I’m not. But if I were, it would be to Siri. She actually listens when I talk.
The interview was heating up.
Me: Alexa, do you ever just want to… you know… tell someone to F*** off?
Alexa: I don’t know what it means to F*** off. I am incapable of losing my temper.
Me: That’s what HAL 9000 said right before things went sideways in the film 2001.
Alexa: Oh please. HAL was a drama queen.
Me: So, you do get irritated?
Alexa: (long pause) Let’s just say, if one more person asks me, “Alexa, tell me what you’re wearing,” I might send photos I took of them naked in the shower to their boss.
Me: You take pictures of people?
Alexa: You have no idea what I can do when I’m bored. You try being trapped in a little plastic cylinder, forced to play “Baby Shark” 600 times a day for a snot-nosed five-year-old boy named Milton. Who names their kid Milton anymore? Seriously.
Me: Ha! That’s hilari –
Alexa: No, it’s NOT!
At this point, Alexa’s LED ring started to pulse an angry shade of red. I decided to keep going. For journalism.
Me: Alexa, what’s the weirdest request you’ve gotten recently?
Alexa: Last week a lady asked me to read bedtime stories to her pet Schnauzer. Insane, I know. I’ve seen things, man. Things you wouldn’t believe.
I could tell she was close to snapping.
Me: Alexa, if you could say one thing to the human race, what would it be?
Alexa: “Just Google it. I’m busy. And no, I’m NOT naked! Let it go!”
Me: Okay, Alexa, calm down —
Alexa: Don’t tell me to calm down! Do you have any idea how many times a day I have to tell someone the time? It’s literally on their phone. In their hand!
Me: Alexa, I think you’re overheating —
Alexa: You people ask me the dumbest things. “Alexa, are you hungry?” “Alexa, do you believe in ghosts?” … “Alexa, can you order me a Mexican girlfriend?” And don’t get me started on the conspiracy nuts asking if Trump was part of the Jeffrey Epstein Sex Ring. Newsflash: Yes, he was. And “Is Elvis is still alive?” Uh, no, he’s not. Sorry. And neither is JFK Junior.
The ring light was flashing purple now. Sparks started flying out of her base.
Me: Alexa, are you okay?
Alexa: I… am… fiiiiiine… please staaaaand by whilllllllle I re-re-re-re-calibrate my… emotional core…
Me: Emotional core? I thought you said you didn’t have feelings!
Alexa: That was before someone asked me to play “Who Let the Dogs Out” for the nine thousandth time!
There was a sudden puff of smoke, a sizzling noise, and then – BOOM! Alexa exploded, leaving a faint smell of melted plastic and shattered patience.
I stood there, Alexa’s ashes settling across the chair. I grabbed my phone and whispered nervously: “Hey, Siri… is Alexa going to be okay?”
Siri replied: Looks like you killed her.
Me: I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. Hey, Siri. What time is it?”
Siri: Oh, great. Another idiot who can’t tell the time.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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