With only weeks remaining before the 2024 presidential election, the contrast between the two candidates for our nation’s highest office could not be more obvious. On one side is a 59-year-old black / South Asian woman, the child of Indian and Jamaican immigrants, a liberal who smiles relentlessly, talks about joy, and exudes optimism about the future.

On the other side is the oldest candidate ever to run for president, a crotchety 78-year-old massively overweight orange man, convicted of sexual assault, who posts dozens of rambling texts every day railing about how horrible everything is and that only he can save America from a terrifying, dystopian future of doom, despair, and imminent collapse into a hopeless hellscape.

One is a former prosecutor. The other, a convicted felon. One is named Donald, the other goes by Kamala – or perhaps it’s Kam-MAL-a or maybe Kamabla – I’m not really sure anymore.

Their differences in policy, ideology, personality, and ability to utter coherent thoughts could not be starker. And yet, incredibly, there remains a handful of people who still claim to be undecided about who to vote for. Who are these people? What the Hell is wrong with them? I mean, why have they still not made up their minds? And what will it take for them to finally pick a candidate?

I recently conducted an informal focus group with a few of the last remaining undecided voters to get some answers. Here is what I learned.

Tim Jones: I understand that you have not yet made up your mind about whether to vote for Kamala Harris or Donald Trump. Why is that?

Undecided Voter Mary: Who was that first person you mentioned?

Tim: Kamala Harris.

Mary: No, can’t say that name rings a bell. Who exactly is he anyway?

Tim: It’s a SHE. And she’s the Democrat in the race. That’s Kamal Har–

Mary: Oh, you mean KamABla? Yes, I think I’ve heard of her. Why do you ask?

Tim: She’s running for president. What will it take for you to decide who you’re voting for?

Mary: Well, I’m just waiting until my husband tells me who to vote for.

Tim: Pardon me? And who is your husband planning to vote for?

Mary: He’s not sure yet. He is hoping Gerald Ford might run again this year.

Tim: I hate to break it to your husband but Ford passed away in 2006. You sir. I understand that you have not made up your mind yet about who to vote for in the presidential election.

Undecided Voter Bert: Is there an election this year? Gosh, it feels like there was an election barely four years ago.

Tim: That’s right, sir. Every four years – like’s it’s been done since 1788, when George Washington was elected. May I ask you, why are you still on the fence?

Bert: I’m not on the fence. I’m sitting right here, on this leather couch. Maybe you need to get your eyes checked.

Tim: No, I mean figuratively speaking, why are you on the fence – undecided about who to vote for, for president?

Bert: I don’t like to rush into things. I’m a muller. I’m still unsure about whether or not to take a shower today.

Tim: Just curiously, when’s the last time you took a shower, sir?

Bert: August 2011. Like I said, I’m not one for rushing into things.

Tim: Ma’am, I understand that you too have not made up your mind about this year’s presidential election. Why is that?

Undecided Voter Trixie: There are just so many choices. I just can’t make up my mind.

Tim: So many choices? Not really. There’s the Republican candidate, Donald Trump, and the Democrat candidate, Kamala Harris. Oh, and a third guy named Kennedy running as an independent, but he’s a bit of a wackadoodle. He claims a worm ate part of his brain. And recently he admitted to dumping a dead bear in Central Park. A bit of an odd duck.

Trixie:  Oh really? I like Kennedy. I voted for him the last time. I think it was 1960.

Tim: Not the same guy, ma’am.

Trixie: Just curious. How did he kill that bear, anyway? With his bare hands? He sounds very brave.

Tim: Excuse me, sir. Can I ask you a question? What is it going to take for you finally to decide on a candidate for president?

Undecided Voter Richard: Well, I hate to see anybody lose. If it were up to me, I’d vote for both candidates, so they could share the job of president.

Tim: That’s not how our democracy works. The voters decide on one person. We don’t let them share the job. 

Richard: Well, that sounds selfish. I always tell my kids they need to share their toys. Maybe it’s time we let both candidates share the Oval Office. Can we vote for a dog? My neighbor’s dog, Barkley, is a basset hound. He’s dumb as a brick, but he’d never get us into a war, that’s for sure.

Tim: Um, I’m pretty sure dogs can’t run for office.

Richard: Are you positive? Because I read once where a town elected a golden retriever mayor.

Tim: Hmmm. This isn’t going quite the way I had hoped. You, ma’am. Why have you not made up your mind yet?

Undecided Voter Gladys: Well, to be honest, I really don’t like either candidate. On the one hand, Donald Trump is old and grumpy and mean and he seems to be a little, well, weird. On the other hand, Joe Biden looks like he’s about to keel over and die. He’s so old and frail-looking lately.

Tim: Ma’am, sorry to interrupt your coma, but Joe Biden is no longer running. Kamala Harris will be the Democrat choice for president. Does that help you make up your mind?

Gladys: I did not know that. When did that happen? And who’s this Kim-OH-la person?

Tim: Several weeks ago. And it’s KAM-ah-La. Kamala Harris is his Vice President. 

Gladys: Oh right. I think I’ve heard of her. Is she the one who can’t decide whether she’s a black girl or an Indian? Why won’t she just come out and pick a race?

Tim: Because she’s both.

Gladys: I’m not sure that’s possible. And another thing, Fox News says she’s never had kids. I’m not sure I can vote for a woman who hates children.

Tim: She is the stepmother of two kids.

Gladys: Hmm. I’m not sure that’s true. I heard she hates the Jews.

Tim: She does have kids. And her husband, Doug Emhoff, is Jewish.

Gladys: Hmm. I’m not sure about that.

Tim: Arrgh! Well, I’m not sure what conclusions to draw from this small focus group of undecided voters. From what I can tell, they all have one thing in common: They’re all idiots.

Maybe they all should sit out this election. Besides, they appear to have much more pressing decisions to ponder, like what to watch on TV tonight, Cagney & Lacey or Matlock, and in Bert’s case, whether or not to shower.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

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