Check out this incredible before and after photo. At left one of our study’s participants before he began our fitness regimen. At right the very same man after completing our program. (Okay, the right photo was taken 25 years earlier, when he was 27. But trust me, he looks even better now). Amazing results!
Hey friend. Have you tried every diet plan known to mankind and still can’t seem to lose your unwanted belly fat? Did you commit to yet another Dry January, abstaining from all alcohol and avoiding carbs completely for the past two months, only to step on the scale and discover you actually gained three pounds?
Well, friend, if this sounds all too familiar, there’s a simple explanation for why you can’t seem to shed the pounds and get those six-pack abs. YOU’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG!
But at Miracle Fitness Solutions (a wholly owned subsidiary of In-N-Out Burger) we have some exciting news. Introducing a revolutionary new diet and fitness plan that will guarantee you’ll lose at least 50 pounds and get into the best shape of your life (assuming you don’t die in the process).
I’m Tim Jones, president and CEO of Miracle Fitness Solutions. And I’m about to change your life. Forget about all those diet pills and Kale & Tofu shake diets. Don’t waste your time on the Eat-Nothing-But-Donuts Diet. I tried it. Sure, it was delicious, but I gained 12 pounds in three weeks.
Forget everything you thought you knew about getting into shape. Those fad shortcuts are designed to suck cash from your pockets. But our program lets you pay by credit card. Isn’t it time you put your faith in a Scientifically (un)Proven program that will have your friends wondering, what’s wrong with you what’s your secret?
Let me explain. My Program is the FIVE S Super Fitness System: Stretch, Steps, Supplements, Sleep… and Starve.
Stretch, in other words, Exercise. Did you know that the human body has over 600 muscles, divided into 14 distinct muscle groups? These muscle groups are the Abdominal, Obliques, Pectoral, Deltoid, Trapezius, Latissimus Dorsi, Erector Spinae, Biceps, Triceps, Quadriceps, Hamstrings, Gastrocnemius, Soleus, and Gluteus.
But the only muscle groups our program requires you to work on are the ones just listed in the previous paragraph. By devoting no more than 30 minutes a day to each of these 14 critical muscle groups, within two years, you’ll have a body like the Statue of David. Please allow approximately 12 weeks for your various muscle, ligament, and tendon tears to heal from all the over-exertion you’ll be putting your body through.
Steps. After you’ve finished stretching, toning, and lifting weights for seven hours, it’s time to get your daily steps in. We’ll provide you with your own Fitbit step counter (for an additional $500). I recommend you start off with a modest, achievable goal so as not to feel overwhelmed. Shoot for no more than 25,000 steps a day during your first week. Gradually increase your step count over the next four weeks until you’re regularly walking a distance equivalent to the length the Appalachian Trail every week.
This women has already done 19,000 steps today. She’s over 30% of her way towards achieving her daily steps target of 60,000 steps, just as soon as she reaches the summit of that 13,000 ft. mountain in the distance. You can do it, Amy! Remember, there are no refunds.
Sleep. This breakthrough program recommends you get at least 9 hours of sleep a day. But don’t be a sleepy head. Be sure never to sleep more than 9 and a half hours – or you may fall into a coma from a complete neurological system collapse.
According to our rigorous calculations, if you do all exercises and steps mentioned above, followed by your mandatory 9 hours of sleep each night, you’ll still have a full 45 minutes remaining to finish your chores, cook dinner, and spend quality time with your family. Under our program, make sure your spouse has a fulfilling, good-paying job, because you sure won’t have time to go to work.
Supplements. Here are the supplements you need to be taking every day: Vitamin D, Calcium, Vitamin C, Folate, Vitamin B12, Magnesium, Iron, Probiotics, fish oil, motor oil, Chromium, hormones, Viagra, Riboflavin, Glucose, Sucrose, pretty much any ingredient listed on a bottle of Mountain Dew, Ginseng, Zinc Gluconate, Gluc Zinconate, Garlic, Glucosamine, Chondroitin, Melatonin, Wheat Chex, CoQ10, Prevagen, Floragen-3, Floragen-5 (but NOT Floragen-4), Niobium, Krypton, Aluminum, Uranium, Plutonium, Titanium – in fact pretty much any substance ending in “ium” – Antimony, Protimony, Alimony, powdered Chapstick, and at least half of the 118 elements on the Periodic Table – but not the dangerous ones.
For optimal results, consume them in alphabetical order. I don’t know why. Just trust me on this.
Starve. Frankly, if you leave out this important step, you might as well forget about the first four, because you’ll fail miserably. You will need to cut out the following toxic foods from your body for at least six months: all breads, cheese, dairy, meat, sweets, starches, and well, pretty much any food that gives you enjoyment and happiness. But feel free to eat as much Brussel’s sprouts and cauliflower as you want to – unless these foods give you happiness.
It is imperative that you only eat between noon and 2:30pm and drink 600 ounces of water a day, so your body can flush out the toxins. And now for the good news: you only have to completely fast one day a week. Personally, I recommend Thursday. But many of our customers prefer Tuesday. It’s up to you.
You can also eat an almost unlimited amount of protein. To determine exactly how much protein you should ingest, calculate the amount of protein that would kill a yak and subtract ten grams. That will be your target level.
If you stick with my revolutionary plan there is no reason you can’t lose 50 pounds in three weeks and be in the best shape of your life – assuming you survive those three weeks.
To obtain maximum fitness, don’t forget your supplements. But with so many of them out there, which ones should you take? Simple: ALL OF THEM…. Three times a day. And don’t’ forget your Flintstone Vitamins, and your daily dose of horse tranquilizers.
HOW DO I SIGN UP
Simple. Payment is accepted in the form of Bitcoin. Trythe Five S Super Fitness Program absolutely free for two hours. Then send 150 crypto payments of $29.95 / month. Cancel any time (after month 50) by calling our billing department in Bucharest, Romania, whose phone number is temporarily out of service.
OUR 100% SATISFACTION GUARANTEE:If you are not completely satisfied with your results from the Five S Super Fitness Program, we guarantee that we will send you an attractive, framed commemorative certificate explaining in detail our no-refund policy.
Or you can submit an appeal requesting an exception to our no-refund policy by sending a certified copy of your birth certificate, copies of your five most recent federal tax returns, your high school prom photo, a mint-condition 1951 rookie season Mickey Mantle baseball card, and a check in the amount of $150 for processing and handling. It won’t help, but we will happily accept your check for the additional $150.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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