Recently, our nation’s attention was focused on Sanford, Florida, where a mostly white jury found George Zimmerman not guilty of murder or manslaughter in the shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman claimed he shot the unarmed black youth in self-defense, which it totally was, of course.
Let’s face it, a black youth had no business being in a community of white people, and he came packing heat, and by heat, of course, we mean a bag of Skittles, a candy popular with malevolent juvenile delinquents. And while on one level, Martin’s death is tragic, on the bright side, thanks to the publicity surrounding his death, sales of Skittles are up 25%.
Critics of the verdict shouted racial profiling. Others blamed Florida’s antiquated Stand-Your-Ground law, which apparently permits a white person to kill an unarmed black youth so long as they’re wearing a hoodie, on a sugar high, and the person standing their ground thinks they’re Dirty Harry. The verdict sparked outrage among blacks, who felt it was another case of a white man getting away with murder. White vigilante enthusiasts, on the other hand, are anxiously hopeful Zimmerman may be awarded the next Congressional Medal of Honor.
Let me start off by apologizing for this week’s column – something I should probably do every week about this time.
Apologizing is as old as mankind. The very first recorded apology took place in the Garden of Eden, when Eve apologized to Adam for goading him into taking a bite out of the apple. An ancient Greek translation of her apology roughly translates to: “Sorry about that, Adam. But you have to admit that I look pretty amazing now that you realize I’m naked, right?”
Anthropologists have found what they believe to be the earliest preserved record of an apology in a 17,000-year-old cave paintings in Lascaux, France. It appears to depict a dejected male apologizing to his female companion for failing to bring back a hyena for dinner. Or it might have been a small mastodon. Hard to say which. The brush strokes were early impressionist.
[This week, Tim Jones turns the keys to his blog over to Tuxedo, a 23-pound spokescat representing the views of household cats everywhere.]
Hey, owner. This is your cat. There appears to be a little confusion as to just exactly who’s in charge here. I know, I know. You pay the electric bill, pay the insurance (whatever that is), and you buy all the food. That does not make you king of my castle. I’m afraid I’m going to have to go over the ground rules one more time if I’m going to allow you to stay here.
I think we can both agree that I am pretty low maintenance. Heck, I sleep 20 hours a day, so the least you can do during the other four hours is drop what you’re doing and pay full attention to me – starting with my meals. I have to say a monotonous diet of Meow Mix day after day is not exactly my idea of haute cuisine. And what’s with the dry food pellets? Do I look like a rabbit? Please have your chef start preparing more interesting entrées for me. Might I suggest steak tartare or perhaps Lobster Newburg?
While we’re on the subject of dining preferences, need I remind you that the toilet is mine? Its primary function, we both know, is as the receptacle for my drinking water. I’m willing to let you share, but for God’s sake please make sure little Princess Sarah remembers to flush after she tinkles. It’s gross. You don’t see me taking a pee in her sippy cup, do you?
So here’s the thing. Sometimes I just can’t seem to turn off my brain. It’s always racing, bouncing from one random thought to the next, making it impossible for me to totally relax.
Oh, sure, I’ve tried various ways to relax and mentally shut down. I’ve tried yoga and tennis and pretending to listen to my wife. But still my mind darts around to other thoughts. Some people have speculated that I may suffer from A.D.D. and yet, I suddenly have a serious craving for pancakes.
Once I even tried hypnotherapy, in an attempt to clear my mind. The hypnotherapist soothingly invited me to close my eyes and envision a cool, gentle breeze on a mild summer day. He said to imagine I was in a lush field of tall grass with yellow dandelions. And all I could think about was how I needed to mow my lawn and pull up weeds. While I was at it, I might as well prune the bushes and power wash the patio. There went my Saturday. I left the session totally stressed out.
So, I decided to try massage. I’d be able to close my eyes and listen to soft music, maybe even some wind chimes, while a professional masseur melted all my aches and cares away. Sounded perfect. Well, things didn’t go quite as I had hoped. Here’s a recap of what went on in my mind as he worked on my back, arms, legs and hands for sixty minutes.
Over the past few years, I’ve noticed I’ve begun to put on a few pounds. I noticed this primarily because my wife kept saying, “Hey, you’ve put on a few pounds. When are you going to do something about it?”
In my younger years, I used to treat my body like a temple. But lately my body has become more of a Temple of Doom. So I’ve decided to do something about it.
I tried various fad diets: the Nothing-but-fruit diet, the Everything-but-fruit diet, the Mango & Salmon milk shake diet, the “All-You-Can-Eat-Just-So-Long-As-It’s-Cabbage” diet. None of them worked, in part because I usually gave up after about 40 minutes.
I recently discovered – much to my chagrin – that there are no short cuts to fitness and good health. So I came up with eight very simple daily commitments in the areas of fitness and nutrition. I once raced in the New York Marathon. (Okay, meandered might be more accurate description of my pace.) Heck, by comparison, this should be a piece of cake. Drat! Now I’m craving a piece of cake.
I knew I would not succeed unless I wrote down my new commitments. I was later informed that writing them down and shoving the list in my file drawer would not be enough to ensure success. I had to actually track my progress. So far, I’m off to a bit of a shaky start.
DAY 4
Daily Commitment
Actual Results
Healthy breakfast with fruit
Special K with fresh-cut strawberries. Added three tablespoons of sugar just for texture.
Stretch 10 minutes
Forgot again. But did climb back up the stairs twice because I forgot my wallet, and then forgot my car keys. Could feel it in my calves.
Drink 8 glasses of water
Drank four glasses. Which is four more than I have ever drunk in the past 25 years, so I consider this a promising start. Man, I gotta pee.
No junk food. Try almonds or carrots
Brought bag of carrots to work. Accidently left them in the car all day. Oops. Spoiled. Gave carrots to a raccoon rummaging in dumpster.
45-minute aerobic workout
Did 20 minutes but ran out of time when I suddenly remembered I had an early morning meeting at the office next Tuesday.
Weights for 30 minutes
Had to lift the bed so my wife could retrieve our frightened cat. That bed weighs a ton. So I’d say I did my fair share of weights. Check.
No eating after 8pm
Okay, I buckled. I had a PBJ sandwich at 9:30. But at least I got my daily dose of fruit with the slathering of grape jelly.
Floss teeth before bed
Totally spaced. Will floss first thing tomorrow morning
DAY 9
Daily Commitment
Actual Results
Healthy breakfast with fruit
Running late. Wolfed down three fruit roll-ups. Green Apple Blast. Contains 5% real fruit. You know what they say. An apple rollup a day keeps… I forget the rest.
Stretch 10 minutes
Bent over to tie my shoes. Both of them. Felt it in the hammies.
Drink 8 glasses of water
Had three Diet Cokes, and one 20 oz. Mountain Dew Code Red. Pretty sure they all are mostly water.
No junk food. Try almonds or carrots
Had two Almond Joy candy bars at 3pm. Was leaning towards a Mounds bar, but was committed to getting my share of almonds.
45-minute aerobic workout
Only did 15 minutes on the exercycle but watched CNN the entire time so it was kind of an aerobic workout for my brain.
Weights for 30 minutes
Weighted in line for 30 minutes at Starbucks for my double tall caramel Frappuccino.
No eating after 8pm
Had a 20-ounce malted chocolate milkshake at 8:45 p.m. I never said anything about not drinking after 8pm.
Floss teeth before bed
Arrgh! Totally spaced – again. Guess I’ll need to come up with a better system to remind me than tying floss to my thumb.
DAY 16
Daily Commitment
Actual Results
Healthy breakfast with fruit
Had two bowls of Fruit Loops. The cereal even has “fruit” in its name, so it’s got to be healthy. Note to self: re: Count Chocula. Apparently chocolate is not a fruit. Bummer.
Stretch 10 minutes
In explaining to my wife why I needed to buy a new set of golf clubs, I stretched the truth for over 15 minutes. Counting that as stretching.
Drink 8 glasses of water
Drank 32-ounce Big Gulp. Some new flavor called Cranberry Splash. Pretty sure cranberry is a fruit – or maybe a vegetable – so once again, think I aced this one.
No junk food. Try almonds or carrots
Scarfed down two slices of carrot cake – with almond slivers on top. Killed two birds with one stone. Sa-weet.
45-minute aerobic workout
Went to health club to run on treadmill. Opted for the Jacuzzi instead. Lots of air bubbles, so that’s sort of aerobic, I think.
Weights for 30 minutes
Fell asleep in Jacuzzi so ran out of time. Double up tomorrow.
No eating after 8pm
Had a chocolate-covered donut and rocky road ice cream at 9:45pm but technically it was only 7:45pm in Hawaii. Show me where I said it had to be 8pm in my time zone! Nowhere!
Floss teeth before bed
Totally spaced. But in my defense, I was thinking about it. Then my wife distracted me by asking me how my day was. So it’s her fault.
I have to say, this is much harder than I thought. It’s now day 21 and frankly, my progress has slowed down a bit. Today my exercise consisted of channel surfing. So technically, that’s a kind of surfing. And surfing’s aerobic.
And while I was channel surfing, I saw this infomercial about a breakthrough new miracle fat-burning pill that melts away fat while you sleep. One customer claimed she lost 50 pounds in two weeks. I have to try this out. And here’s the best part: No flossing required.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by sharing it on Facebook, posting a comment or giving it a. Better yet, why not set a goal to forward this post to 500 of your closest friends. Better write down this goal before you forget it.
Recently, our nation’s attention was focused on Sanford, Florida, where a mostly white jury found George Zimmerman not guilty of murder or manslaughter in the shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman claimed he shot the unarmed black youth in self-defense, which it totally was, of course.
