by TEJ | Sep 23, 2023 | In the News Humor
Most Canadians carry grudges for a long time. This is a scene from the War of 1812, fought near Montreal, in which the US navy kicked their butt. Canadians still hold a grudge because the Americans won this battle – and didn’t pick up their trash.
For years, people have screamed BUILD THAT WALL! Ever since Donald Trump became our nation’s Grifter-In-Chief in 2016, millions of Americans have been in a constant state of panic that our country’s borders were being overrun by Mexicans – or worse yet – Liberals. But they’ve all been looking the wrong direction. The region we most desperately need to secure is not our southern border. It’s our northern one – with Canada.
Oh sure, at first blush Canadians seem like nice, friendly, even-tempered folk. It’s all a ruse. Don’t fall for it. I should know. I made the egregious mistake of marrying a Canadian. We’ve been married for 36 years – and I still don’t trust her. At night she steals most of the covers and the next morning acts like she has no idea how that happened. Sure, sweetie. Sure…
Did you know that, at over 5,500 miles in length, the USA – Canada border is the longest unprotected border in the world? For the vast majority of this stretch, there is nothing separating the two nations other than a few thousand well-maintained Canadian backyard hedges to block their nefarious attack on our sacred soil.
Here’s a fact that should terrify you: In the past 250 years, more than 90% of Canada’s population has quietly amassed within 100 miles of the American border. Why is it that they’re all huddled so close to us? The answer’s obvious: They’re all freezing to death. They plan to invade the USA mainly to get warm – and to erect Tim Horton’s Donut Shoppes all over this once great land.
You may say I’m overreacting. I say you haven’t been paying close enough attention. One day soon you might discover that your innocent young child is being taught in school that the proper spelling is “colour†and “labour†and “theatre.†And they’ll tell you it’s 9 degrees outside. But that’s Celsius, so who really knows how cold it is? Do you want that for your children’s future?
Do me a favour, I mean, favor, and WAKE UP – before it’s too late. Canadians have long been jealous of Americans. They resent us for having more money, better football teams, and better beer. Okay, I’ve just been informed by my Canadian wife that Canada has better beer. But I’m not going to apologize for my error by saying, “Sorry, eh?†That’s what Canadians do all the time. Apologize. Canucks are annoyingly polite.
Canadians are highly skilled at curling. This is a curling stone. It could also be used as a weapon in hand-to-hand combat. If you’ve ever been hit in the head by one of these stones, you’d never forget it. The pain is excruciating.
Make no mistake. Our northern neighbors are preparing to invade us. Okay, I hear you countering with, “Hey, but didn’t Canada outlaw the sale of handguns and assault weapons? So won’t we have far superior weapons to defend ourselves?†Okay, so technically, you’re right about that. But in Canada, they have nine months of winter. As a result, they have accumulated the world’s largest stockpile of unregistered snowballs. And their Zamboni ice rink machines will crush you if you don’t get out of their way as they saunter towards you at 3 miles per hour.
Don’t think the Canadians won’t do it. They’re still pissed about the War of 1812, between Great Britain and the young United States – I forget which year it took place. Much of the war was fought on Canadian soil, and frankly, the American soldiers made a mess of several Canadian towns and villages and refused to pick up their litter. Most Canadians have not forgotten. And earlier this year, the USA women’s hockey team defeated the Canadian women’s team 6-3 in the 2023 Women’s World Hockey Championship. Our women beat theirs in their national pastime. So, yeah, Canadians have an axe to grind with Americans. It’s time to keep your kids safe inside your home because the invasion could be imminent.
Where exactly might the first wave of Canadian Mounties mount their attack? Experts have several theories. Perhaps, they might try a sneak attack by way of Niagara Falls. Personally, I doubt it, because it’s extremely hard to fit a Mounty into one of those wooden barrels, let alone their horse.
My best guess? Point Roberts, Washington State. Never heard of it? Neither had I until recently. Turns out Point Roberts is an exclave – the ONLY place in the entire lower 48 states where in order for an American to get there, they must travel through Canada. That’s because it sits at the bottom of a tiny appendage of land jutting out from Canada just below the 49th parallel. [See map below.] With no airport or ferry service, you can only get there from the rest of Washington state by car – which requires you to drive through British Columbia before re-entering a USA border crossing at Point Roberts.
See that sliver of land hanging down from Canada? That’s Point Roberts, WA. Canadians feel the border was drawn wrong and that the USA ripped them off by stealing this chunk of their land. And they’re itching to get it back.
I recently visited Point Roberts. I have to say, our border security there is non-existent. The most meaningful barrier to entry from Canada into Point Roberts is a trampoline set in Harriet Wilson’s backyard. Its side netting is very tall. Otherwise, you literally can walk right through the border, about as easily as my annoying neighbor Bert Higgins can meander into my backyard to let his dog take a crap on my lawn.
Point Roberts is a tiny sliver of American soil, not even five square miles in size. Only 1,100 people live there. A sleepy, tranquil, mostly forested peninsula with only one grocery store, one restaurant, and for reasons I don’t understand, three bowling alleys. But in my extensive research for this article (which consisted of googling “facts about Point Robertsâ€), to my shock and horror, I learned that Canadians own 75 percent of the properties in Point Roberts, USA. They’re pissed that the USA grabbed this miniscule slice of Canada and they want it back – but they are quick to point out they’re in no hurry, America. Canadians are every bit as patient as they are polite.
Not to alarm you further, but the invasion has already begun. Most American news networks have refused to cover this story. But before long, Canadians will quietly, politely be buying up property in border states like Washington, Wisconsin, Montana, Maine, Minnesota and Michigan – pretty much any state beginning with the letters M or W. But it won’t end with those letters, I assure you. I’m talking to you, Vermont!
This is an actual photo of the border between Point Roberts, USA (left) and Tsawwassen, Canada (right). It is literally divided by just this ten-inch concrete barrier. Totally impenetrable – if you were a tortoise or a clam.
While millions of MAGA hatters keep screaming about building a wall to keep out the Mexicans and LGBTQ+ supporters, Canadians will sneakily be pouring over our northern border riding astride their pet moose or polar bears. And then one morning you’ll wake up to learn that our national meal of pizza has been replaced by something called poutine, a fattening French Canadian meal of French Fries, cheese curds, and gravy. Disgusting.
It’s high time we built that high wall to keep out the ravenous Canadian horde. Don’t worry, we’ll make them pay for it. And since the Canadian dollar is worth only 76 cents US, it won’t cost them nearly as much to build. So, a win-win.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
#canadaAmericanrelations #northernborderwall #southernborderwall #politics #internationalrelations #canada #immigration #canadianinvasion
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by TEJ | Jul 6, 2023 | Political humor
ARI MELBER: Good evening and welcome to “The Beat.†Our top story tonight continues to be former President Donald Trump’s federal indictment over his handling of government documents. There’s so much about the government’s case against the former president that is still unknown, so we’ve assembled a panel of crack legal experts to help us shed light on the many questions surrounding it. Foremost among those questions, of course, is whether the case will actually go all the way to trial or whether Trump will seek a plea bargain. Let me therefore put that very question to former U.S. Attorney and MSNBC legal analyst Chuck Rosenberg. Chuck, what’s your sense about those two possibilities?
CHUCK ROSENBERG: Well, first of all, Ari, you’re absolutely right about that being the big question. It’s impossible to know whether the former president’s lawyers would be able to persuade him to plead guilty to some or all of the charges, though any responsible defense lawyer would certainly propose that. Nor can we know whether the Justice Department and Special Prosecutor Jack Smith’s team would be willing to accept a plea deal, unless it included terms such as a prison sentence, which Trump likely wouldn’t accept.
MELBER: You say “likely,” but of course…
ROSENBERG: …we don’t know.
MELBER: Because we can’t know for sure what’s going on inside Trump’s head.
ROSENBERG: Right. Or the Justice Department’s head… or, rather, heads… for that matter.
MELBER: It’s definitely a key question, though.
ROSENBERG: Yes, it certainly is.
MELBER: Okay, let’s turn now to former U.S. attorney and MSNBC legal analyst Joyce Vance. Joyce, Donald Trump isn’t the only one indicted in this case. His personal aide Walt Nauta has also been charged. What would you say are the chances that he’d be willing to flip and become a cooperating witness for the prosecution?
JOYCE VANCE: Well, considering the potential severe penalties that he’d be facing in the event of a conviction on the charges against him, he’d certainly be wise to consider it. But at the same time, he’s reportedly extremely loyal to President Trump, so it really remains an open question.
MELBER: He could turn state’s evidence.
VANCE: He definitely could. Or not.
MELBER: Interesting. Thanks, Joyce. We’re now joined by former U.S. Attorney and MSNBC legal analyst Barbara McQuade. Barbara, where do things stand with regard to the judge in the case, Aileen Cannon, who was appointed by President Trump and was criticized for her initial handling of the government’s investigation? Will the prosecution seek to have her recuse herself?
MCQUADE: Time will tell, Ari. While it would be risky for the prosecution to do so at an early stage, if things go wrong and they wait too long it could significantly delay the case, which is something they don’t want either.
MELBER: So, hard to say.
MCQUADE: Yes, we’ll have to wait and see.
MELBER: Care to hazard a guess?
MCQUADE: My sense is that it could go either way.
ROSENBERG: Can I jump in with a comment, Ari?
MELBER: Sure, Chuck. Go ahead.
ROSENBERG: I just want to say that I totally agree with Barbara.
VANCE: So do I. Anything is possible.
MELBER: Fascinating. Thanks, Joyce and Barbara and Chuck. When we come back from the break, we’ll be joined by former U.S. Attorney and MSNBC legal analyst Carol Lam as well as by former federal prosecutor and MSNBC legal analyst Jill Wine-Banks for a deep dive into what we don’t yet know about the details of the government’s case, including any surprising evidence the prosecution may — or may not — have against the former president. Stay tuned.
by Steve Fisher
This week’s post was guest-written by former U.S. Attorney and VTFB legal analyst Steve Fisher. Steve notes, “They say that revenge is a dish best served cold. If you despise Donald Trump, then MSNBCâ€s non-stop coverage of his various indictments is a smorgasbord of schadenfreude, an all-you-can-eat karma buffet, with a large helping of comeuppance for your just desserts.â€Â
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by TEJ | Mar 11, 2023 | Political humor
This is Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida. He is widely seen by many Republicans as the next Donald Trump. He is really shaking things up in the Sunshine State. And he just might be our 47th president. If you like a leader who can’t stand anyone who disagrees with him and who’s angry 80% of the time, this just might be your guy.
Most historians are in agreement that of the people who have been president of the United States, Donald Trump ranks among the top 46 (barely beaten out by the 45th best president, James Buchanan).
Personally, I’ve never had a strong opinion one way or the other about Trump, unless you consider the fact that since he was elected in 2016, I’ve written over THIRTY articles about this deplorable, vile, racist, misogynistic malignant narcissist, who is a lazy, incurious, vain, grossly overweight petulant man-child who is also a serial criminal / traitor / mob boss who only cares about himself and demands loyalty but offers none in return. But besides that, I really haven’t given the man much thought over the past seven years – except when I’ve been conscious.
As terrible a human being as Trump is, he’s not the person who keeps me up at night. That honor goes to Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. In case you haven’t been following the news lately, you might want to pay closer attention – because DeSantis is the odds-on favorite to challenge Trump for the Republican presidential nomination in 2024. There is a very real possibility he could be our next president.
The more I’ve learned about DeSantis, the more I’ve come to the opinion he’d be a dream candidate for president – assuming your dream candidate is a brooding, malevolent, temperamental, wannabe dictator who, if given the chance, is intent on turning his state, and eventually the nation, into an anti-woke, white Christian nationalist authoritarian society, fashioned exactly in the mold of Hungary’s fascist-leaning prime minister, Viktor Orbán. If this sort of world sounds like paradise to you, perhaps you’ve been watching a little too much Tucker Carlson (who is, by the way, a big fanboy of Viktor Orbán). Perhaps consider changing the channel to the PBS News Hour.
If you like Trump, you’re going to love Ron DeSantis. He’s every bit the megalomaniac as Don the Con, only much smarter and able to pronounce complicated words like “BeyonceÌ,†“Namibia,†and “United States.â€Â In a nutshell, he’s Trump but without the fake orange spray tan – or all the impending criminal indictments.
So how does Gov. DeSantis compare to Donald Trump as a possible future leader of the Republican party? Trump is volatile, nasty, and hates minorities, gays, and anyone who confronts him. DeSantis is the same – except that he’s not likely to go to prison any time soon. Also, he can pronounce words like “anonymous†and “government.â€
A former Florida state senator said the following:  “There are no second chances. It’s well known that you can’t go against him. If you cross him once, you’re dead.†No, he wasn’t talking about the man I prefer to call Mar-a-Lardo. He was talking about Ron DeSantis.
In a nutshell, DeSantis, working in close collaboration with the Republican-controlled state legislature, is actively working to turn Florida into a culture eerily similar to Orbán’s authoritarian Hungary. He famously led the push to implement a “Don’t Say Gay†law, banning classroom instruction dealing with sexual orientation or gender identity. He also is behind legislation to prevent schools and universities from talking about racism and systemic racism, in part because it might cause white kids to feel bad about being white. He’s a big promoter of the massive book ban taking place in Florida right now.
And if you’re a fan of Covid, you’d love living in the sunshine state, because as of March 2023, Florida continues to lead the nation in the number of Covid cases with 4,120 new cases per day (the next closest state is Texas at 3,010). That’s largely because Governor DeSantis is a strident anti-vaxxer who has repeatedly demonized all the health measures recommended by the CDC to fight the pandemic.
Recently, Commander Covid has petitioned the Florida Supreme Court to convene a grand jury to investigate “crimes and wrongdoing†(his words) related to the life-saving Covid vaccines – because he cares about freedom – apparently the freedom to expose people around you to the risk of dying from Covid.
DeSantis’ public persona is that of a charismatic, positive, kind, uplifting, likeable person. I’m just kidding. He’s an angry, churlish bully. A culture warrior who takes pleasure in attacking and mocking anyone who disagrees with him. Excuse me for a minute. My wife just showed me a news article with a rather disconcerting headline:
Florida bill will require bloggers who write about the governor to register with the state.Â
According to this article (I’m not making this up), a bill has just been introduced in the Florida state legislature, endorsed by DeSantis, which, if passed, would “require bloggers who write about Gov. Ron DeSantis, his Cabinet or state legislators to register with the state within five days of the post.† It goes on to say that failure to do so would result in fines of up to $2,500 per post.
Yikes! Apparently, the Governor is rather thin-skinned about criticism. And vengeful. Uh oh….
Um, after consultation with my wife, I would like to amend my previous somewhat critical comments regarding the Florida governor. Upon further reflection, I would like to clarify that I think Governor DeSantis is a great governor, a man of great conviction, and a man for the people (well, some of them, anyway). He is a beacon of freedom and patriotism (if not wearing a mask means you’re a patriot).
I used to think Ron DeSantis was a smug, arrogant, mean-spirited, hotheaded white supremacist. But then I read about the proposed Florida legislation that will require all bloggers writing about DeSantis to register with the state. I want to clarify my previous comments: I think Ron DeSantis is GREAT. Please don’t arrest me, okay?
When I wrote the passage above, “He’s every bit the megalomaniac as Don the Con, only much smarter and able to say words like “BeyonceÌ,†“Namibia,†and “United States,†I would draw your attention to the part where I said he’s “much smarter.†I was just kidding about the “Wannabe dictator†paragraph. I had not eaten for hours, so I was feeling a bit hangry.
In conclusion, I just want to reiterate, as a blogger, I didn’t mean any of the insulting words I wrote about Our Dear Leader and Next Coming of Christ, Governor Ron. I’m a kidder. And I admire His Grand Imperial Highness deeply. I have decided to name my pet snake DeSantis in your honor, sir. I will raise my kids to fear anyone in drag and make sure they attend CPAC every year. And I promise never to let anyone vaccinate them – or any of our pets.
Oh, and one more thing, Governor DeSantis: PLEASE DON’T TAKE AWAY MY KIDS!! I BEG OF YOU!!
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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by TEJ | Jun 19, 2022 | Political humor
[Author’s note for the humor-impaired: This is a piece of political satire and not an actual solicitation for more money by the Trump campaign. – TEJ]
My Fellow Americans,
This is your legitimate president, Donald J. Trump. I want to thank you – and roughly 470 million other great Americans – for your generous donation of $100 to my Election Defense Fund. As you know, the nasty “Unselect” January 6th Committee is perpetuating the bigliest hoax in our nation’s history, claiming that I tried to overturn the 2020 election results. This is all part of the radical Democrats’ BIG STEAL. I won the election by the greatest landslide since Andrew Jackson defeated Herbert Hoover. I beat Sleepy Joe Biden by more than 30 million votes. If you don’t believe me, ask Rudy.
Mike Lindell (the My Pillow Guy) has proof that Venezuelan goat herders colluded with Filipino call center operators to rig the Dominion voting machines so that every vote cast for the Democrat nominee for president actually ended up being switched to a vote for Joe Biden. How in the world would I stand a chance when the machines were all rigged against me like that?
If it weren’t for millions of totally fraudulent mail-in ballots by dead people (not counting my mail-in ballot, which was PERFECT), it wouldn’t have been close. My attorney John Eastman assures me most of the Democrat mail-in ballots clearly violated the Constitution’s “It’s So Unfair” clause. If those ballots were eliminated, I’d have won by more than 400 million votes – 500 million if you include Puerto Rico. Those Puerto Ricans love me.
Everybody knows that the January 6th Committee has absolutely no case against me. The only evidence they “claim” to have is firsthand eyewitness testimony from more than 500 former Trump Administration officials and allies who testified that the election wasn’t stolen and argued that Mike Pence lacked the authority to overturn the election for me, then told me all of this, and then said I ignored their legal counsel and staged a coup anyway. They even claim I pressured the Secretary of State for Georgia to “find me 11,780 votes.” So untrue. I only needed, 9,500 votes.
They also claim to have proof from over 100 people in my administration that I deliberately incited a violent insurrection on the Capitol by urging my followers to get wild at the Capitol and stop the certification vote. And when it got out of control, they said I didn’t do anything for more than three hours to stop the violence. In my defense, I didn’t have time to call off the peaceful protestors smashing through the Capitol’s windows because I was busy watching a parade on TV and tweeting. And besides, who are you going to believe: a bunch of hacks I hand-picked for their positions or me, the most honest, stable genius president ever? Next to me, Lincoln looks like Lyin’ Abe.
That’s why I created the Donald J. Trump Election Defense Fund – to combat these lies. To date, thanks to 640 million patriotic Americans like yourself, we’ve raised at least 250 MILLION DOLLARS. These funds will go to pay for my legal defense team, with the remaining $245 million set aside to help me buy Fox News and pay off a few hookers who claim that I paid them to sleep with me at the White House when Melania was out of town. That’s a lie. I never paid them.
If you don’t actually recall making your donation, that’s probably just because you were tired. Your Republican-led state legislature and your local Republican-led Board of Elections Supervisors have assured me that you intended to vote for me, had it not been for the Democrats’ blatant efforts to steal the 2020 election from me. Now they plan to steal my 2024 election win, too. Don’t let them. That’s why I need your help with another $100 donation to my Election Defense Fund, so I can be rightfully restored to my throne the White House for another 12-year term.
A few people claim they don’t recall donating to my offshore Cayman Islands bank account Election Defense Fund. If that describes you, perhaps, when you clicked to opt out of one of the 300 email solicitations I sent you in the past six months, you failed to notice the 3-point type disclaimer at the bottom of page 7, which clearly stated:
“By opting out, you agree to make a donation of $100 every month until the last of your grandchildren dies, payable to the Trump Mar-a-Lago Club, LLC Election Defense Fund. No need to provide your credit card information. We already have it, thanks to a Russian internet troll farm we hired. We also have your social security number – just in case we need it down the road.”
The despicable January 6th Committee has nothing on me. And to those critics who claim I tried to have my own Vice President killed by an angry mob, that’s just another vicious lie. I only wanted Mikey boy roughed up a little – to teach him a lesson about the importance of loyalty.
The Committee claims my Election Defense Fund doesn’t even exist. That’s ridiculous – another lie being spread by Crooked Hillary and Hunter Biden. I had my crack team of investigators, led by Sean Hannity and that Shaman Dude who stormed the Capitol, look into it. It turns out that the $250 million is missing. And I can prove that it was stolen by Liz “Pelosi’s Lapdog” Cheney and “Little Adam Schitt.” They committed the biggest theft since Pete Davidson stole Kim Kardashian from Kanye.
Please contribute to the Donald Trump Election Defense Fund. For every $100 you donate, President Trump will send a needy middle school child an AR-15, so they can protect themselves from Radical Democrats intent on destroying our democracy.
That’s why I’m writing to you. I urgently need your help to stop this steal and replace the $650 million that the Democrats and RINOs stole from my Election Defense Fund. Won’t you join the other 795 million gun-loving Americans who have already pledged to donate to help me Make America Great Again?
Together, we will prove that I clearly won the election fair and square, winning over 80% of the 850 electoral votes. When I’m residing again at Mar-a-Lago North (formerly known as the White House), I promise to pardon all the great patriotic protestors who were simply at the Capitol on January 6th because they were told by Kenyan-born Barack Obama that Congress was giving out free ice cream sundaes in the House Chamber. When they found out there was no ice cream, a few of them got a little “hangry” and got mildly annoyed. Could have happened to anyone.
Unless you want to turn America over to Crazy Nancy and her Democratic Antifa Socialist Party, please give generously. Thank you for your commitment to vote for me again in 2024. And if you’re thinking to yourself, “Hey, I voted for Biden in 2020. Why would I vote for you in 2024?” trust me, you will. You see, I hired a Proud Boys reconnaissance team, and they’ve taken some extremely compromising photos of you which will be very hard to explain to your spouse – unless you vote for me.
Sincerely,
President Donald J. Trump
The Greatest President in the history of history
THIS LETTER WAS SENT ON BEHALF OF DONALD J. TRUMP, WHO APPROVED THIS MESSAGE.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2022
by TEJ | Sep 3, 2021 | Political humor
[Author’s note: The following is political satire. Anyone who can’t figure this out is clearly not a woman and should not be allowed to marry one. – TEJ]
Republican-controlled state legislatures are following Texas’ lead as they introduce new statutes to empower women. In West Virginia, the Statehouse is expected to pass a bill to ensure a woman’s right to serve a fresh home-cooked meal, without any interference from the man of the house, when he arrives home from a tiring day at the office. This bill will protect motherhood.
In an unprecedented effort to protect women (from themselves, apparently), the Republican-controlled Texas state legislature passed a historic piece of legislation to make the lives of women in the Lone Star State better than ever (unless, of course, you happen to ask any woman currently residing in the Lone Star State). They made sure that from now on no female Texan will ever have to worry about having access to a legal abortion – because abortions have been effectively outlawed. Well done, Texas state legislature.
Here’s what happened. Texas Governor Greg Abbott, a self-proclaimed women’s rights advocate, signed into law the most comprehensive abortion ban in the nation. The statute, which the U.S. Supreme Court opted to let stand, outlaws all abortions, including for rape and incest, after six weeks (a date by which most pregnant women are not yet even aware they might be pregnant).
The ban allows any private citizen to sue any person who has helped a woman obtain a forbidden abortion by awarding them a $10,000 verdict (plus legal fees). This means people can sue anyone who might have assisted a woman attempting to get an abortion after the six-week mark – the doctor, the clinic receptionist, even the taxi driver who drove her to the clinic. This bold new measure was passed by a legislative chamber – now this next part may surprise you – composed overwhelmingly of white men.
The likely outcome of this forward-thinking law will be to create a chilling effect on abortion clinics and medical professionals throughout the state, fearful of being financially ruined by the threat of an onslaught of lawsuits filed by caring individuals deeply concerned about women’s health and not in any way motivated by the chance to make a fast $10,000 bounty.
Proponents of the new statute have hailed this law as a giant step forward in establishing the rights of men who know what’s best for women’s physical and emotional well-being. Inspired by Texas’ forward-thinking measures to protect women from making decisions about their own bodies, several other Republican-controlled state legislatures are following Texas’ lead in introducing new statutes intended to protect the fairer sex. Here are some examples:
Mississippi: Citing the fact that women can get overly emotional – particularly at certain “times of the month” – the state assembly has proposed giving women the option of not voting, if it is deemed by one or more male relatives that being forced to choose between competing candidates could cause undue emotional stress – especially if they were contemplating errantly voting for the Democrat in the race.
“This law would in no way limit a woman’s right to vote,” clarified Mississippi state representative Beauregard Wymenheytor. “It simply gives her the option to sit out any election for which the pressure of having to make up her mind might be too taxing for her frail emotional makeup – as indicated by thoughts of recklessly considering voting blue.”
In Tennessee, the state legislature has introduced a bill to require women to cover their arms and legs at all times, to protect their delicate soft skin from the cruel threat of skin cancer. Seen here, an artist’s rendering of recommended empowering attire. Très chic.
South Carolina: Several Palmetto State residents have expressed deep concerns about terrorist threats posed by the potential of thousands of Afghan refugees invading their shores in the aftermath of the Taliban takeover. As a result, Republican Representative Colt McBigotte has introduced a bill allowing women to open carry handguns without a license or any firearms safety training.
When asked whether he was concerned that this might encourage a Wild West culture in which it becomes too easy for people to access dangerous weapons, Rep. McBigotte countered, “Not a problem. Under this bill, women will need permission from their husbands in order to have access to bullets. God knows what a pissed off lady with a loaded gun could do. Can you imagine?”
Florida: It is widely known that President Biden’s COVID response has been an utter failure, due primarily to all those vaccines he has peddled, which endanger people’s freedom.
Thankfully, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has valiantly halted the pandemic in its tracks (with the small exception of record levels of hospitalizations and deaths) with his resolute policy of fighting for the rights of patriotic anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers to endanger their own children and other schoolkids.
Thanks to DeSantis’ courageous leadership, Florida’s statehouse has introduced a statute that will require women to stay at home, to avoid getting exposed to COVID. They will be granted weekly passes to any grocery store, so they’ll be able to continue to make meals for their family, as women love to do. They will also be permitted to go to restaurants in the company of a male companion (for their protection, of course) – with the exception of any restaurant that imposes a mask requirement, as those restaurants clearly hate America.
Louisiana: For too many years, women have complained that they routinely are paid 20% to 50% less for the same job as their male counterparts. To rectify this problem, lawmakers will no longer force (or allow) women and men to do the same jobs – to avoid any complaints about unequal pay.
Men will continue to be allowed to do jobs like CEOs, doctors, congressmen, and investment bankers. Women, on the other hand, will be allowed to continue doing many of the fulfilling jobs they’ve long performed so skillfully, including barista, flight attendant, dental hygienist, and handmaid.
Look at these diverse photos of the men of the Utah state legislature. Who’d know more about women’s issues and concerns than these guys? That’s why they’ve introduced a bill to allow women to opt out of voting, say, if they’re not in the mood or are feeling bloated.
Alabama: With so many commercials on TV telling women how they can look even sexier, the Alabama state assembly is finally doing something gallant to take the pressure off of women trying to keep up with the latest fashion trends. If this bill passes, women will no longer have to spend hours and hours in front of the mirror deciding what to wear. These decisions will now be made by men.
Pants on women will be outlawed to avoid any gender confusion. Similarly, men will be banned from wearing bikinis or strapless gowns. State representative Butch Misoginick further mansplained. “Ladies waste valuable time every day trying to decide what to wear – time that could be better spent making their man a hearty meal or folding laundry. Now they don’t have to worry their pretty little heads about what to wear. Problem solved.”
Critics of the bill likened it to the Taliban requiring women to be covered in a burqa, but Misoginick was quick to debunk that claim. “Here in Alabama, we oppose masks of any kind. Always have. Always will – with the lone exception of our KKK brethren, that is.”
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021
