Check out this incredible before and after photo. At left one of our study’s participants before he began our fitness regimen. At right the very same man after completing our program. (Okay, the right photo was taken 25 years earlier, when he was 27. But trust me, he looks even better now). Amazing results!
Hey friend. Have you tried every diet plan known to mankind and still can’t seem to lose your unwanted belly fat? Did you commit to yet another Dry January, abstaining from all alcohol and avoiding carbs completely for the past two months, only to step on the scale and discover you actually gained three pounds?
Well, friend, if this sounds all too familiar, there’s a simple explanation for why you can’t seem to shed the pounds and get those six-pack abs. YOU’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG!
But at Miracle Fitness Solutions (a wholly owned subsidiary of In-N-Out Burger) we have some exciting news. Introducing a revolutionary new diet and fitness plan that will guarantee you’ll lose at least 50 pounds and get into the best shape of your life (assuming you don’t die in the process).
I’m Tim Jones, president and CEO of Miracle Fitness Solutions. And I’m about to change your life. Forget about all those diet pills and Kale & Tofu shake diets. Don’t waste your time on the Eat-Nothing-But-Donuts Diet. I tried it. Sure, it was delicious, but I gained 12 pounds in three weeks.
Forget everything you thought you knew about getting into shape. Those fad shortcuts are designed to suck cash from your pockets. But our program lets you pay by credit card. Isn’t it time you put your faith in a Scientifically (un)Proven program that will have your friends wondering, what’s wrong with you what’s your secret?
Let me explain. My Program is the FIVE S Super Fitness System: Stretch, Steps,Supplements, Sleep… and Starve.
Stretch, in other words, Exercise. Did you know that the human body has over 600 muscles, divided into 14 distinct muscle groups? These muscle groups are the Abdominal, Obliques, Pectoral, Deltoid, Trapezius, Latissimus Dorsi, Erector Spinae, Biceps, Triceps, Quadriceps, Hamstrings, Gastrocnemius, Soleus, and Gluteus.
But the only muscle groups our program requires you to work on are the ones just listed in the previous paragraph. By devoting no more than 30 minutes a day to each of these 14 critical muscle groups, within two years, you’ll have a body like the Statue of David. Please allow approximately 12 weeks for your various muscle, ligament, and tendon tears to heal from all the over-exertion you’ll be putting your body through.
Steps. After you’ve finished stretching, toning, and lifting weights for seven hours, it’s time to get your daily steps in. We’ll provide you with your own Fitbit step counter (for an additional $500). I recommend you start off with a modest, achievable goal so as not to feel overwhelmed. Shoot for no more than 25,000 steps a day during your first week. Gradually increase your step count over the next four weeks until you’re regularly walking a distance equivalent to the length the Appalachian Trail every week.
This women has already done 19,000 steps today. She’s over 30% of her way towards achieving her daily steps target of 60,000 steps, just as soon as she reaches the summit of that 13,000 ft. mountain in the distance. You can do it, Amy! Remember, there are no refunds.
Sleep. This breakthrough program recommends you get at least 9 hours of sleep a day. But don’t be a sleepy head. Be sure never to sleep more than 9 and a half hours – or you may fall into a coma from a complete neurological system collapse.
According to our rigorous calculations, if you do all exercises and steps mentioned above, followed by your mandatory 9 hours of sleep each night, you’ll still have a full 45 minutes remaining to finish your chores, cook dinner, and spend quality time with your family. Under our program, make sure your spouse has a fulfilling, good-paying job, because you sure won’t have time to go to work.
Supplements. Here are the supplements you need to be taking every day: Vitamin D, Calcium, Vitamin C, Folate, Vitamin B12, Magnesium, Iron, Probiotics, fish oil, motor oil, Chromium, hormones, Viagra, Riboflavin, Glucose, Sucrose, pretty much any ingredient listed on a bottle of Mountain Dew, Ginseng, Zinc Gluconate, Gluc Zinconate, Garlic, Glucosamine, Chondroitin, Melatonin, Wheat Chex, CoQ10, Prevagen, Floragen-3, Floragen-5 (but NOT Floragen-4), Niobium, Krypton, Aluminum, Uranium, Plutonium, Titanium – in fact pretty much any substance ending in “ium” – Antimony, Protimony, Alimony, powdered Chapstick, and at least half of the 118 elements on the Periodic Table – but not the dangerous ones.
For optimal results, consume them in alphabetical order. I don’t know why. Just trust me on this.
Starve. Frankly, if you leave out this important step, you might as well forget about the first four, because you’ll fail miserably. You will need to cut out the following toxic foods from your body for at least six months: all breads, cheese, dairy, meat, sweets, starches, and well, pretty much any food that gives you enjoyment and happiness. But feel free to eat as much Brussel’s sprouts and cauliflower as you want to – unless these foods give you happiness.
It is imperative that you only eat between noon and 2:30pm and drink 600 ounces of water a day, so your body can flush out the toxins. And now for the good news: you only have to completely fast one day a week. Personally, I recommend Thursday. But many of our customers prefer Tuesday. It’s up to you.
You can also eat an almost unlimited amount of protein. To determine exactly how much protein you should ingest, calculate the amount of protein that would kill a yak and subtract ten grams. That will be your target level.
If you stick with my revolutionary plan there is no reason you can’t lose 50 pounds in three weeks and be in the best shape of your life – assuming you survive those three weeks.
To obtain maximum fitness, don’t forget your supplements. But with so many of them out there, which ones should you take? Simple: ALL OF THEM…. Three times a day. And don’t’ forget your Flintstone Vitamins, and your daily dose of horse tranquilizers.
HOW DO I SIGN UP
Simple. Payment is accepted in the form of Bitcoin. Try the Five S Super Fitness Program absolutely free for two hours. Then send 150 crypto payments of $29.95 / month. Cancel any time (after month 50) by calling our billing department in Bucharest, Romania, whose phone number is temporarily out of service.
OUR 100% SATISFACTION GUARANTEE:If you are not completely satisfied with your results from the Five S Super Fitness Program, we guarantee that we will send you an attractive, framed commemorative certificate explaining in detail our no-refund policy.
Or you can submit an appeal requesting an exception to our no-refund policy by sending a certified copy of your birth certificate, copies of your five most recent federal tax returns, your high school prom photo, a mint-condition 1951 rookie season Mickey Mantle baseball card, and a check in the amount of $150 for processing and handling. It won’t help, but we will happily accept your check for the additional $150.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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If you want to look wafer-thin and svelte, with the sunken cheeks and flat stomach that aspiring young Hollywood starlets long for, then have I got a weight loss plan for you….
As an expert on most things, I find people are constantly approaching me asking all sorts of questions like, “Why is it that cats always land on their feet?” and “Which is better, cake or pie?” [Answer: Cake], and “Why are you following me?” (I get that last one all of the time.)
Another question people are always asking me is how they can lose weight. Constantly trying to slim down has become an American obsession. But I recently stumbled onto an amazing weight loss solution that sheds the weight not in weeks or months but HOURS! Incredibly, it doesn’t require rigorous exercise, draconian starvation diets, weight loss supplements, or even Ozempic. If you want to have the sunken cheeks of a Parisian runway model, just do what I did. Within days, people will be staring at you in envy, quietly wondering, “How did he lose all that weight?” and “Is he dead?”
My new weight loss plan worked with shocking results. Here’s the secret: My wife and I booked a 25-day vacation, starting with a week touring London on our own, then flying to Istanbul to join an organized tour of Turkey and Greece, including nine days of island hopping through several Greek Isles in the Aegean Sea. Fabulous, I know. We arrived in London, jet lagged, but otherwise fine. The following morning, we had a typical London breakfast of badly prepared eggs, bacon, and toast. But I decided to go one step further, by ordering a fresh fruit salad, which my wife opted to skip.
Fast forward four hours – cue food poisoning and the worst diarrhea of my life. Over the next three days, I must have lost every ounce of bodily fluid inside me that was not technically blood. Not to be too graphic, but let’s just say that my oral and posterior cavities competed aggressively in a race to empty all of my bodily fluids in a gushing exodus from my body.
To suggest that I was experiencing the human anatomy’s impersonation of Niagara Falls would be a ridiculous comparison. Because it was way worse than that. A more accurate description would be the eruption of Krakatoa (or for you millennials who’ve never heard of the historic Krakatoa eruption of August 26, 1883, feel free to substitute Mount St. Helens’ blast. And read up on your history, please!)
I could not leave my hotel room for days. I estimate I used approximately 18% of the city of London’s entire toilet paper inventory. I was so weak I fainted and collapsed on the floor attempting to reach the bathroom in the middle of the night, only to be awakened by my wife hysterically screaming, “Tim, you fell on the floor!!!” (True.)
Ah, the jaw-dropping sights of Istanbul, Turkey. The historic Hagia Sophia church / mosque, built in 532 AD, the world-famous Basilica Cistern, built during the 6th century by Byzantine Emperor Justinian I, and the chaotic traffic of riverboats along the stunning Bosporus Strait, were just a few of the many unbelievable sights… I missed out on seeing.
After three days of not being able to stand the sight of food, lest it trigger another case of projectile vomiting, I slowly regained my strength. By the time we flew to Istanbul to join our Turkey / Greek Isles tour group, I was feeling almost back to normal. But then on the very first day of our tour, as we walked among the ancient ramparts of Istanbul, it suddenly struck me again. DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER!I started feeling dizzy, nauseous, and in desperate need of finding a bathroom. Perhaps this is a good time to point out that in Istanbul, most of the public toilets are squat toilets. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, kids, seriously, you need to pay more attention in social studies class.
By 3pm on our very first day of the tour, I told our trip leader I’d need to skip the Welcome Dinner that evening. By 6pm, I was pretty sure I’d have to miss out on the Istanbul walking tour the following day. By 9pm, I was in the Emergency Room of a local hospital. Three hours later, having had my body pumped full of IV fluids, I was taxied back to our hotel. Six hours later, the following morning, after fainting en route to the bathroom for a second time in less than a week, Michele had to get a wheelchair to take me to the lobby and back to the ER.
On this second visit, doctors were now worried about the possibility of a stroke due to my severe dehydration and / or a risk of sepsis due to the aggressive intestinal infection that by now had spread to my bloodstream and my urine. Not good, I know.
Four hours later, after filling me with more IV fluids and antibiotics, they discharged me again. Ultimately, we had to bail on the rest of our bucket list tour and fly home, experiencing literally only five hours of what was supposed to be a 16-day tour. It turns out that In the space of less than a week, I had lost 11 pounds. If I had ever desired that “heroin chic” look of a 90’s fashion model, I totally nailed it.
On the bright side, I received an insane number of caring, concerned Facebook comments from close to 200 people, some of whom I had not seen nor heard from in years. Of course, there was no shortage of people trying to help me laugh at my situation, with actual comments like…
A selfie photo I took in the Istanbul Hospital’s ER while I waited to be treated. I have to say, my wife was a saint, making sure I received all the critical medical care I needed. I was very, very lucky she was there to advocate for me, because my brain was in a total fog (yes, even more than usual) for much of this.
“Hang in there, Tim. This too shall pass. ; ) “
“Sorry about being stuck in a Turkish Hospital. Look on the bright side, Tim. At least it wasn’t a Turkish prison.”
“Tim, I need to lose ten pounds in time for my wedding next month. Can you text me the fruit salad recipe that caused you to get sick?”
“Hey, buddy, if you don’t pull through, can I have your golf clubs?”
Things like that. What can I say, human suffering sometimes brings out the best in people.
I’m pleased to report that I am back at home and on the mend. I am regaining strength by the day. But please don’t tell my wife. I plan to use this recent health scare to get out of housework for at least the next six weeks.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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I’m excited to announce that recently I went on a diet and have lost forty-five pounds (true). I didn’t follow any of those silly fad weight reduction schemes like the Mediterranean or Adkins or Weight Watchers or even serious programs like the Just Eat CakeDiet (still not sure how that one works). It’s actually a regimen of my own invention. I call it The Happiness Diet. And it’s incredibly simple because it requires only two steps.
Step One: Write down all the foods that give you happiness. (Take your time. Be thorough.)
Step Two: Don’t eat anything on that list.
That’s it. No other restrictions. If you follow my Happiness Diet exactly as outlined above, you’ll lose a lot of unwanted pounds (as well as any reason for living) – guaranteed!
Let’s practice how it works, okay? Let’s say there are two food groups. In Group A we have a slice of pepperoni pizza, cookie dough ice cream, a bag of Pepperidge farm cookies, and a glazed donut. In Group B we have kale, broccoli, lentil and carrots.
If you determined that Food Group A gives you more happiness, congratulations. You’re a normal, honest human being. However, if you indicated that you prefer the items from Group B, then you are – how shall I say this? A BIG FAT LIAR! Get off your high horse. Who else are you lying to? Your spouse? Your kids? You disgust me.
Here’s the important takeaway for my patented Happiness Diet. You must strictly avoid all foods that give you any pleasure – unless you’re training to be a Sumo wrestler. Then by all means, have another sleeve of Double Stuff Oreos. Or, if you’re the lead in a theater production about President William Howard Taft, who tipped the scales at 350 lbs., and for whom was built the largest porcelain tub ever made for an individual, then sure, you have my permission to hit the nearest Dairy Queen for breakfast.
Introducing Placebolax® – from SCAMCO – the company that brought you the (not-quite-FDA-approved) sleep interrupter device Miracle Snore and Eye Can See, the popular battery-operated do-it-yourself laser eye surgery kit.
Try Placebolax today and you’ll be amazed at how much you’ll lose.
With Placebolax, weight loss has never been simpler. What’s our secret?Baby polar bear liver oil. That’s right! We discovered that baby polar bear liver oil burns up fat, sugar, and your intestines and converts them into pure profit, er, muscle. Made from lovingly farm-raised Siberian baby polar bear livers, harvested on our polar bear farm in a secret undisclosed location in the Arctic Circle, we mix it with powder of seal pup brains and ground-up beluga whale dorsal fins to produce our unique patented weight loss formula.
[Our attorneys told us we need to include some additional “disclosures” in the very remote chance someone might not use our product as intended, accidentally resulting in permanent blindness – not that this would ever happen (we don’t think) – and try to sue us.]
LIST OF ACTIVE INGREDIENTS: High fructose corn syrup, sugar, malt flavoring, more high fructose corn syrup, sodium ascorbic acid, something that tastes like chicken, dextrose, hydrogenated cornstarch, salt, processed flour, food coloring, red dye #2, 40, 67 and 85, soybean, caramel, riboflavin, thiamin, hydrochloride, super-duper high fructose corn syrup, Pez, dried egg whites, lithium, tortoise dung, something that used to look like yogurt, mono-something or other, cocoa extract, extract of cocoa, boiled linseed oil, vinegar, frosted flakes, 3 of KFC’s original herbs and spices (but we’re not authorized to tell you which 3), nutmeg, something that looks vaguely like rabbit pellets but we can’t locate the original container so we’re not really sure what it is, folic acid, battery acid, stomach acid, coconut juice, asbestos, fluoride (for stronger teeth), quartz, silicon, did we mention salt yet?, plutonium isotope, lead, unleavened yak intestines, eye of newt, DNA from some guy named Brad, petroleum byproducts, banana, and baby polar bear liver oil. (more…)
On VFTB’s YouTube Channel: How to Infuriate Thousands Without Really Trying
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