While 95% of the country enjoys summer in a tropical paradise (during a heat dome), Seattleites are bracing for a long stretch of brisk, bone chilling weather with highs barely reaching the low-to-mid sixties. It’s not easy having to put on a sweater and long pants every day while the rest of the country lounges around in their underwear like they’re in a sauna.
We interrupt your regular TV programming for the following special emergency weather alert.
ANCHOR ANITA SCOOP: Good evening. We interrupt your regularly scheduled rerun of Seattle’s Rainiest Moments for continuing coverage of what meteorologists are calling an unnervingly cool, mild stretch of July weather.
The National Weather Service has issued an Extreme Summer Cool Advisory for the entire Puget Sound region after computer models confirmed what experts feared most: Daily highs in the mid-sixties for nearly the entire month of July.
Let’s go live now to KIRO Weather Team 7’s Chief Meteorologist, Brad Breezilton, standing outside in downtown Seattle.
BRAD BREEZILTON: Thanks, Anita. As you can see behind me… (camera pans dramatically to people casually walking dogs in light jackets) …conditions have already begun to deteriorate as yesterday’s high temperature of 74 has in only 24 hours already plummeted to barely 61 degrees today.
The breeze has picked up to nearly nine miles per hour, enough to cause several residents to zip their fleece jackets all the way to the top.
Visibility remains excellent, humidity is hovering near zero, and sunlight has broken through the clouds for nearly two uninterrupted hours – hardly the weather we’ve come to expect here in the Pacific Northwest. Officials are urging residents to remain indoors unless absolutely necessary. If you must venture outside, dress responsibly. And remember to politely wave to fellow pedestrians and don’t litter.
Experts recommend beginning with a long-sleeve shirt, then a sweatshirt, an REI fleece vest (preferably one that cost more than your first car), and for safe measure, a waterproof shell. If you plan to visit the community swimming pool, please remember to pack your parka. Hypothermia has not been reported. But goosebumps and extreme shivering are possible.
Meanwhile, across much of the rest of the United States – and most of Europe for that matter – millions of people continue enjoying summerlike “real feel” temperatures between 105 and 115 degrees. It sure must be nice to live in a place where they won’t see anything remotely approaching 650 weather any time for the next four months. Envious Seattle residents can only imagine how wonderful it must feel to be a New Yorker or Atlantan basking in triple-digit tropical rain forest conditions.
Washington’s governor has released the following emergency preparedness checklist:
LEVEL ONE PRECAUTIONS
Bring a hoodie to your barbecue.
Keep one emergency fleece blanket in every vehicle.
Drink hot coffee every two hours.
Replace popsicles with clam chowder.
LEVEL TWO PRECAUTIONS
If paddleboarding on one of our cool, pristine lakes, wear thermal underwear.
Campfires are encouraged for toasting marshmallows and warming your hands.
If attending an outdoor concert, locate the nearest propane patio heater before the opening act.
Children should limit cannonballs into swimming pools to no more than three before returning indoors for hot chocolate.
We now go live to our field reporter, Sonny Daye, outside Green Lake.
REPORTER SONNY DAYE: Thank you, Brad. Conditions here continue to worsen. Behind me you’ll notice joggers, many of them wearing long sleeves. Several cyclists have actually put on gloves. Earlier today I witnessed something truly heartbreaking. A man ordered an ice cream cone. Five minutes later… he admitted he wished he’d gotten a mochaccino instead. Back to you, Anita.
ANCHOR ANITA SCOOP: Local retailers report panic buying throughout western Washington. Stores have nearly sold out of fleece pullovers, knitted beanies, artisan soup mixes, cinnamon tea, and decorative throw blankets featuring silhouettes of evergreen trees.
In light of the COOL WEATHER ALERT for Seattle and Western Washington, area residents are reminded to stay indoors to keep warm. But if you have to venture out, you’re advised to make sure your kids are dressed for the elements and hydrate them often with hot cocoa – preferably with whipped cream and cinnamon sprinkles.
Ice cream sales have dropped precipitously in the past 24 hours, with one customer complaining, “It just doesn’t feel like ice cream weather.” Doctors are urging calm. Meanwhile, Expedia and Orbitz travel sites report a surge in airline searches to Seattle from people living in Phoenix, Dallas, Boston, Washington D.C., and Houston. Interestingly, the number one Google search this past week from regions currently experiencing a heat wave emergency has been “How can I move to Seattle.”
Meteorologists continue studying this unusual marine layer weather pattern that seems stalled over the Pacific Northwest. As a result, Seattle remains under a Level Three “Consider Wearing Another Layer” advisory.
Long-range computer models are showing a weak disturbance in the upper atmosphere that could bring a dramatic shift to our region by the middle of August, when temperatures could briefly soar into the mid-to-upper 70’s. Meteorologists caution Puget Sound residents not to get their hopes up, as forecasts call for the high temps to dip back down into the mid-sixties by early September.
Until then, local residents are urged not to risk the elements, but if you do have to venture outdoors, stay covered, stay warm, and don’t forget your sunscreen.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
Over the past two years, I’ve become mildly obsessed with the sport of pickleball, often beginning conversations with total strangers by asking, “So, what’s your DUPR rating?” And that’s in the checkout aisle at the IGA. Wanting to share this passion, I naturally turned to the only consistent companions I have who don’t complain about my backhand: my cats, Zippy, Buddy, and Monster.
For the better part of three months, I tried to teach them the fundamentals: Dinks, volleys, poaching, serving – none of it seemed to stick. But the hardest concept by far was getting them to stay out of the kitchen. Not the actual kitchen (they’re very good at staying in there, especially during tuna time), but the pickleball kitchen – you know, the area near the net where you’re not supposed to volley. I explained the rule over and over, but they just stared at me, knocked over my water bottle, and went to sleep next to the ball machine.
And don’t get me started about scorekeeping. I discovered that cats are terrible at math. I’d say, “The score is 4-2-1,” and Zippy would stare blankly at me, flick his tail, and start chomping on the ball. Buddy once attempted to keep track by scratching tallies into the court, which I appreciated until I realized it was actually my leg.
Then there’s the issue of team dynamics. Pickleball is a social sport, requiring cooperation and communication. Cats, on the other hand, are more of the “I’ll sit on your paddle while you cry” kind of teammate. During doubles matches, they frequently refused to cover their side of the court, preferring instead to lie motionless in a sunbeam and lick their toes during key rallies.
Their agility, while impressive in leaping onto kitchen counters or knocking over my coffee so it spills on my laptop keyboard, doesn’t translate effectively to pickleball footwork. You’d think reflexes honed by generations of predatory instinct would come in handy – but no. When a ball comes their way, they either swat it lazily into the neighbor’s yard or stare at it like it’s beneath them. Which, to be fair, it probably is.
I even tried incentivizing them. Treats, laser pointers, catnip-infused wristbands – nothing worked. They showed brief enthusiasm for the ball itself, but mostly to chase it under the couch and then refuse to retrieve it, resulting in me spending 40% of my training sessions with a broom handle and a strained lower back.
Let’s not even get into their attitude during line calls. Every disputed point resulted in Monster walking off the court in protest, usually straight to the litter box, where he would make his opinion very clear.
In conclusion, while my initial goal was to train a competitive feline pickleball doubles team, I have been forced to reconsider. It’s not that they can’t play – technically – but they lack focus, sportsmanship, and any concept of teamwork. Not to mention opposable thumbs.
I have to say, with great disappointment, that you should probably not waste any significant amount of time trying to teach your cat the finer points of pickleball. You’ll have a much higher likelihood of success with a Labradoodle.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
This just in. Broccoli is brutal on your brain. Kale may kill your kidneys. But Donuts may add 10 years to your life. Details about the latest medical findings at 11.
ANCHOR, CHIP PRINGLES (Seated at a news desk. The year is 2037.)
Good evening, I’m Chip Pringles. Welcome to the 5pm edition of Channel 7 Eye Witness News. Our top story tonight: Everything you thought you knew about nutrition… turns out to be a lie. That’s right, folks – the very foods we’ve been told for the past 70 years would kill us before we turned 50 are now being hailed as the reason we might live to 150 – assuming we don’t die in the latest measles pandemic.
After decades of confusing and constantly shifting dietary guidelines, the National Center for Nutritional Reversal (NCNR) has issued a stunning report this morning. It revealed that foods like pizza, cheeseburgers, and double-fudge sundaes are not only not bad for you but may actually be what they are now calling “nutritional unicorns.” Meanwhile, many of the foods our parents forced us to eat before having dessert, like spinach, Brussels sprouts, and lentils – once lauded as the Holy Trinity of Healthy Eating – are now classified as “toxic plant matter.”
Joining us live from the campus of the prestigious Sedona New Age Institute of Dietary Enlightenment, our health correspondent, Sheila Parsnip, sat down with Dr. Ted Carbman, lead researcher behind this paradigm-shattering study. Sheila?
FIELD REPORTER, SHEILA PARSNIP (Standing in front of what appears to be a Shake Shack, now converted into a certified medical facility)
Thanks, Chip. I’m here with Dr. Ted Carbman, a nutritional researcher and self-proclaimed Fat Realist, who has just published a 900-page report titled Let Them Eat Cake: Why Saturated Fat is the Key to Longevity. Dr. Carbman, thanks for joining us. Also, you have a little bit of chili cheese fry on your lapel
CARBMAN(Wearing a lab coat with the words Team Bacon embroidered on the sleeve)
If it’s lean or green, it’s bad for your spleen. So says new nutrition research that concludes foods like those shown here are the worst things to ingest. Limit your diet to highly processed foods, loaded with sugar and artificial ingredients – just to be on the safe side.
Thanks, Sheila. That’s actually intentional. It’s part of my research uniform. Helps me absorb the healing energy of lipids through osmosis.
SHEILA: Fascinating. So, explain to us how the food pyramid has flipped into what now appears to be a pizza slice?
CARBMAN: Yes, absolutely. For decades, we were told to eat fruits, cruciferous vegetables, and whole grains – or as I prefer to call it, the “rabbit diet.” But, hey, do I look like a rabbit to you? Turns out, those foods are loaded with phyto-confusionogens, a substance that clouds human judgment and causes individuals to buy essential oils from shady herbal supplement shamans named Amber.
Our studies show that people who consumed diets high in leafy greens suffered side effects such as smugness, excessive yoga, and spontaneous kombucha brewing. Plus, they are incredibly annoying to be around. Meanwhile, those on high-fat, high-sugar diets lived longer, had clearer skin, and reported having increased energy – that is, until the sugar crash kicked in.
SHEILA: Incredible. So… what does an ideal meal look like in 2037?
CARBMAN: We now recommend a breakfast consisting of bacon-wrapped Pop-Tarts, accompanied by a 20-ounce milkshake – preferably strawberry, as the pink food coloring has trace amounts of Vitamin W, which also is a pleasantly mild hallucinogen. Lunch should include as many cheeseburgers as you can shove down your pie hole. Speaking of which, a slice of pie is a recommended part of every lunch – unless you prefer a glazed donut.
For dinner? You have many options, but you can’t go wrong with a meat-lover’s pizza, cheese bread, and a side of nachos. For maximum health benefits, we recommend a hearty serving of three scoops of ice cream for dessert. And the closer to bedtime the better, our studies have found. This way, the glucose, trans fats, and saturated fats have more time to pump their way through your arteries throughout the night.
SHEILA: What about plant-based diets?
CARBMAN: Oh, dear Lord, no. I thought you were joking there for a minute. No, plant-based diets have been linked to irritability, depression, lower resistance to sarcasm, and chronic enrollment in spin classes. Tofu, in particular, was reclassified last year as an “edible form of sadness.” Legumes? Don’t get me started. Chickpeas are basically the Trojan horse of gastrointestinal unrest. The flatulence alone could scare away a herd of cows– which, by the way, should make up at least 30% of your daily caloric intake.
SHEILA: Wow. I’m personally on my third mozzarella stick cleanse this week, so this all comes as a relief.
CARBMAN: Exactly. Eat like your grandma used to before kale ruined everything. If your food contains more than one color and none of them are beige, you’re doing something seriously wrong. We now understand that glucose and sucrose are our dietary “best friends.” I came up with this helpful mnemonic: Don’t be Morose. Have more Glucose! When in doubt, Avoid Brussels sprout.
CUT BACK TO ANCHOR,CHIP PRINGLES (Chomping on a bucket of KFC chicken)
New research on diet concludes that many foods that were long thought to be bad for your health may actually help you live a longer, healthier, life – not to mention a much happier one.
Thanks, Sheila. Truly a mouthful of insight. So, to recap: Fat is good, sugar is essential, and quinoa may actually be a naturally occurring pesticide. Our thoughts and prayers go out tonight to new age lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow, who is reportedly being held in a preventive wellness quarantine until she has been able to deal with the shock of these findings.
But the surprises don’t end there. Coming up tonight at 11, our Channel 7 Healthy Lifestyles Series continues with a startling look at the dangers of moderate exercise. You’ve been told for years that daily workouts and an active lifestyle are pathways to longevity. But new science says: not so fast – literally. Slow down. Better yet, lie down. Our exclusive investigation reveals why even moderate walking could take years off your life – especially if your walks take you through high traffic areas.
That’s right. Scientists now believe that jogging, jazzercise, and even mild chair yoga may be doing far more harm than good. We’ll have expert analysis and take you inside the nation’s newest fitness trend: Sitting Still and Judging Others. More at 11.
Until then, this is Chip Pringles reminding you to toss out the tossed salad. Put your cottage cheese and bananas in the recycle bin. They are ticking time bombs on a mission to attack your vascular system. Make the smart choice. Have another slice of cheesecake. While you’re at it, it’s never too late to take up smoking again.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it aLikeorsharing this post on Facebook.
According to the CDC, there is yet another new COVID variant – and it’s more contagious than any previous strain. But there is still a chance you could avoid it – and by “a chance,” I mean about the same odds as you getting picked up to be a starting pitcher for the New York Yankees.
Remember back in early March 2020 when “coronavirus” sounded like the name of a fancy craft beer from Portland? Ah, the innocence. Since then, we’ve collectively learned that this microscopic party crasher simply refuses to leave – like that irritating neighbor who is always coming by to borrow something. (Last time, he borrowed your lawnmower and returned it with no gas and a suspicious new rattle.)
But don’t worry. Medical experts, who always have the most encouraging news, assure us the latest strain is even more contagious than ever before. In fact, every strain since the original version (Alpha) back in March 2020 has bragged about being the most contagious ever, like a relentless viral version of “hold my beer.”
Meet the Newest Variant: COVID-X Ultra Deluxe Super Spreader Edition
According to leading scientists, this month’s variant, COVID-X Ultra Deluxe Super Spreader Edition is so contagious that you don’t even have to be in the same zip code to catch it. Simply reading this article has statistically increased your odds of infection by 12%. It is so contagious that merely saying the latest variant’s name out loud bumps up your chances of getting it to 25%. Try not to sneeze while reading or you’ll likely infect everyone on your block party list.
“Each new strain mutates to spread faster,” explained Dr. Ned Worrymore, Chief Panic Officer at the National Institute of Unpleasant Surprises. “If the original virus was like a Tinder date, the current version is more like a speed dating event at a college dorm – except everyone leaves sick.”
Latest Official Advice on How to Stay Safe (Good Luck)
To stay COVID-free, the CDC now recommends the following:
Never leave your house.
Never open your windows.
Never inhale near anything that has a pulse.
Wear an N95 mask underneath a surgical mask underneath a ski mask underneath a beekeeper suit. Bubble wrap is optional.
Only eat food that has been disinfected with hand sanitizer.
Boil all your food until it is completely devoid of anything remotely resembling flavor.
If you must communicate, do so through interpretive dance viewed via drone footage from at least half a mile away.
Following the above practical guidelines will reduce your risk by almost 7%.
This man is taking no chances when it comes to catching COVID. He’s had it three times so far. Not sure his idea to wrap himself head-to-toe in bubble wrap was the best idea – especially after those five beers he just consumed watching the game. Uh oh…
What To Do If (We mean WHEN) You Get COVID (AGAIN)
Let’s face it – if you’re human, have nostrils, or once watched a YouTube video of someone coughing, you’re probably going to catch it again. And again. And again. But don’t lose hope. The next time probably won’t be nearly as bad as the last time. Here’s the official procedure if, er, when you get it again:
Stay home for 5 – 10 days – longer if you really hate your job.
Inform your spouse you are too sick to do any housework… for at least the next four months.
Send a text notification to everyone you came within 500 feet of in the last 72 hours. Avoid communicating with them in person, unless they’re an annoying person who you secretly hope will catch the virus, too.
Inhale enough chicken soup to drown a mid-sized horse.
Eat as much ice cream as you’d like. It won’t actually help stave off the virus, but it’s always nice to have an excuse to scarf down Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia or Americone Dream.
The good news? When you catch COVID for the tenth time, the CDC will send you a free year’s supply of decorative masks featuring funny sayings like “I’m Not Social Distancing because of COVID. I Just Don’t Like You” and “What Doesn’t Kill Me Mutates And Tries Again.”
What Does the Future Hold? (Are You Sure You Want to Know?)
Experts warn that next year’s variant is projected to be so infectious that satellite photos of infected people will transmit the virus through your Wi-Fi. Side effects may include coughing, existential dread, an irrational fear of clocks, and the urge to sign up for the new Trump Mobile phone service (don’t do it).
Your Only Remaining Safe Option
If you really want to avoid coming down with COVID again, you could relocate to a safer region, like Antarctica. It’s had almost no cases of COVID recently. But if you come here, you might want to pack cold-weather clothes. And leave your pickleball gear at home.
Given that every few months brings a new variant more contagious than the previous one, if you seriously want to avoid any risk of getting COVID again, then, statistically speaking, your best bet is to relocate to North Korea – the only country on Earth that insists it has never had a single case. Hope you like watching military parades and chanting loudly at rallies to demonstrate your loyalty to your new leader, Kim Jong Un. He seems like a nice fellow.
Also, you won’t be able to access Facebook there, so in a way, that’s a plus. Of course, you may never be allowed to leave again. But hey, at least you’ll dodge the next 37 hyper-contagious variants scientists are already naming after Greek letters they haven’t even invented yet.
Stay safe, stay distant, and remember: if you’re reading this, you’re probably already infected. (This article was carelessly written using a font especially vulnerable to spreading the virus. Sorry.) But look on the bright side – you now have an excuse to get out of going to that birthday party for your neighbor’s annoying seven-year-old princess named Maddie. They really do spoil that kid, I must say.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
This mom was shocked to see the cost of her fill-up. So, she suggested that her two daughters, Carla and Emma, consider sharing a bedroom so she could rent out the other bedroom for the money. From this photo, it appears they’re not quite on board.
Unless you’re a hermit living in a tent in the forest, you have no doubt noticed that the cost of gasoline, groceries, and dining out has gone through the stratosphere. In fact, based on the spiraling inflation that appears to have no end in sight, my immediate recommendation for cost savings is to seriously consider becoming a hermit. I’d suggest a tent in the forest, but have you seen the price of nylon lately? You’re better off with a sturdy cardboard refrigerator box and a nearby creek for bathing.
According to recent reports, some economists now believe gasoline could eventually reach $175 a gallon, and a loaf of bread could hit $60. Admittedly, those projections are for the year 2250 – but the trend line is clearly not headed in a direction that screams “relax and order appetizers.”
So what can you do to stop the financial hemorrhaging and preserve your rapidly shrinking nest egg?
For starters, tell your lazy unemployed spouse to get off the couch and find a job. Unless, of course, that lazy spouse is you – in which case, let’s not rush into anything. You still have three more seasons of Breaking Bad to finish because you somehow missed it the first time around in 2008. Priorities.
If you’re retired and in reasonably good health, you might consider going back to work. Quick caveat: I would suggest trying your hand as a humor writer, but based on my own experience, that path leads mostly to personal fulfillment and a suspicious lack of income. You may want to aim slightly higher – say, Walmart greeter or middle school bus driver, both of which come with hazard pay.
Here are some additional strategies to preserve your retirement portfolio – and what’s left of your sanity:
Decide which child is not going to college.
You love both your kids equally, of course. But let’s be realistic – college tuition has reached the point where you need to start thinking like an NFL general manager. Tough decisions must be made. Sit Justin down and explain that college is overrated and, frankly, based on his SAT scores, he was trending toward a very strong community college experience anyway. He’ll understand…eventually – hopefully before your check for the nursing home bounces.
Charlie is showing off his his pride and joy – his 1952 Mickey Mantle rookie season baseball card. He needs cash to keep up with all the high prices lately. So, it’s either sell Mickey or tell his son Nate no college for him. Charlie has a tough decision.
Sell your gas guzzler. Buy an electric car.
With gas hovering around $5 a gallon and climbing, it may be time to part ways with your 17-MPG SUV. Do the responsible thing – save the environment and your wallet by switching to an electric vehicle. Just be prepared for the moment when your electric bill shows up and you realize you’ve essentially adopted a very large, very hungry appliance.
Sell your electric car. Buy a Schwinn.
So now you’re driving electric and feeling good – until someone casually mentions that replacing the battery could cost somewhere between $10,000 and $20,000. That’s when you pivot.
My advice: ditch the car entirely and go old school. Buy a basic ten-speed bike. Skip the e-bike—those cost more than your first used car. But go ahead and splurge on the bell and handlebar tassels your mom never let you have when you were seven. You’ve earned this.
Say no to costly eating out.
A typical steak dinner can now set you back $50 to $75. Slightly less at Waffle House, but you’re rolling the dice in other ways there.
Think of how much money you’ll save by cooking at home. Of course, grocery prices are also skyrocketing, so you may want to focus on a steady diet of rice and lettuce. The upside? You’ll save money and finally lose that “drive-thru lifestyle” spare tire – mainly because you’ll be in a constant state of serious depression.
Cancel unnecessary subscriptions.
Take a hard look at your monthly expenses. Do you really need five streaming services? Especially when you spend 30 minutes scrolling through them every night before giving up and watching the same episode of The Office you’ve seen 17 times (the one where Jim moves Dwight’s entire desk setup – computer, phone, and all – into the men’s restroom, leaving him to work in the stall area. It never gets old, I agree).
Pick one service. Two, max. And if you’re feeling especially frugal, just start “borrowing” passwords from friends and family like it’s 2015 again. It’s not stealing – it’s relationship-building.
Embrace creative housing solutions.
If your mortgage or rent is crushing you, it may be time to think outside the box. Literally. Have you considered converting your garage into a luxury studio apartment? Or renting out rooms in your house to complete strangers who describe themselves as “super chill” and “usually between jobs”?
If things get really tight, circle back to the hermit-in-the-tent-in-the-woods idea. It’s gaining momentum.
Rob a bank.
Okay, I’ll admit – this one is a bit extreme. But if you’re truly desperate and can’t figure out how in the world you’re going to make next month’s mortgage payment, it may be your quickest path to financial relief – assuming you don’t mind a dramatic lifestyle change involving federal prison or assuming a new identity in Guatemala, where they don’t ask a lot of questions. How would you feel about growing a beard, dying your hair black, and changing your name to Hector Ramirez? Just something to keep in your back pocket.
The good news is that this surge in the cost of everything from food to gasoline to healthcare won’t last forever. The bad news is… I just lied. It absolutely will.
So yes, you’re going to need to get creative. Maybe start by selling off some valuables. If you happen to have a mint-condition 1952 Mickey Mantle rookie card lying around, congratulations – you’re officially inflation-proof. The rest of us will be comparing lettuce prices and debating whether toothpaste is really essential.
Okay, so it’s not nearly as cool as my SUV I had to sell because of the high cost of gasoline and car maintenance. But at least it doesn’t pollute the environment. And all the kids in my neighborhood appear to be very jealous … or maybe confused. Not sure which, actually.
In the meantime, stay flexible, stay frugal, and if you happen to see an older Seattle Seahawks fan pedaling past you on a Schwinn bicycle with bright pink handlebar tassels… mind your own business. I’m doing just fine.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out this incredible before and after photo. At left one of our study’s participants before he began our fitness regimen. At right the very same man after completing our program. (Okay, the right photo was taken 25 years earlier, when he was 27. But trust me, he looks even better now). Amazing results!
Hey friend. Have you tried every diet plan known to mankind and still can’t seem to lose your unwanted belly fat? Did you commit to yet another Dry January, abstaining from all alcohol and avoiding carbs completely for the past two months, only to step on the scale and discover you actually gained three pounds?
Well, friend, if this sounds all too familiar, there’s a simple explanation for why you can’t seem to shed the pounds and get those six-pack abs. YOU’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG!
But at Miracle Fitness Solutions (a wholly owned subsidiary of In-N-Out Burger) we have some exciting news. Introducing a revolutionary new diet and fitness plan that will guarantee you’ll lose at least 50 pounds and get into the best shape of your life (assuming you don’t die in the process).
I’m Tim Jones, president and CEO of Miracle Fitness Solutions. And I’m about to change your life. Forget about all those diet pills and Kale & Tofu shake diets. Don’t waste your time on the Eat-Nothing-But-Donuts Diet. I tried it. Sure, it was delicious, but I gained 12 pounds in three weeks.
Forget everything you thought you knew about getting into shape. Those fad shortcuts are designed to suck cash from your pockets. But our program lets you pay by credit card. Isn’t it time you put your faith in a Scientifically (un)Proven program that will have your friends wondering, what’s wrong with you what’s your secret?
Let me explain. My Program is the FIVE S Super Fitness System: Stretch, Steps,Supplements, Sleep… and Starve.
Stretch, in other words, Exercise. Did you know that the human body has over 600 muscles, divided into 14 distinct muscle groups? These muscle groups are the Abdominal, Obliques, Pectoral, Deltoid, Trapezius, Latissimus Dorsi, Erector Spinae, Biceps, Triceps, Quadriceps, Hamstrings, Gastrocnemius, Soleus, and Gluteus.
But the only muscle groups our program requires you to work on are the ones just listed in the previous paragraph. By devoting no more than 30 minutes a day to each of these 14 critical muscle groups, within two years, you’ll have a body like the Statue of David. Please allow approximately 12 weeks for your various muscle, ligament, and tendon tears to heal from all the over-exertion you’ll be putting your body through.
Steps. After you’ve finished stretching, toning, and lifting weights for seven hours, it’s time to get your daily steps in. We’ll provide you with your own Fitbit step counter (for an additional $500). I recommend you start off with a modest, achievable goal so as not to feel overwhelmed. Shoot for no more than 25,000 steps a day during your first week. Gradually increase your step count over the next four weeks until you’re regularly walking a distance equivalent to the length the Appalachian Trail every week.
This women has already done 19,000 steps today. She’s over 30% of her way towards achieving her daily steps target of 60,000 steps, just as soon as she reaches the summit of that 13,000 ft. mountain in the distance. You can do it, Amy! Remember, there are no refunds.
Sleep. This breakthrough program recommends you get at least 9 hours of sleep a day. But don’t be a sleepy head. Be sure never to sleep more than 9 and a half hours – or you may fall into a coma from a complete neurological system collapse.
According to our rigorous calculations, if you do all exercises and steps mentioned above, followed by your mandatory 9 hours of sleep each night, you’ll still have a full 45 minutes remaining to finish your chores, cook dinner, and spend quality time with your family. Under our program, make sure your spouse has a fulfilling, good-paying job, because you sure won’t have time to go to work.
Supplements. Here are the supplements you need to be taking every day: Vitamin D, Calcium, Vitamin C, Folate, Vitamin B12, Magnesium, Iron, Probiotics, fish oil, motor oil, Chromium, hormones, Viagra, Riboflavin, Glucose, Sucrose, pretty much any ingredient listed on a bottle of Mountain Dew, Ginseng, Zinc Gluconate, Gluc Zinconate, Garlic, Glucosamine, Chondroitin, Melatonin, Wheat Chex, CoQ10, Prevagen, Floragen-3, Floragen-5 (but NOT Floragen-4), Niobium, Krypton, Aluminum, Uranium, Plutonium, Titanium – in fact pretty much any substance ending in “ium” – Antimony, Protimony, Alimony, powdered Chapstick, and at least half of the 118 elements on the Periodic Table – but not the dangerous ones.
For optimal results, consume them in alphabetical order. I don’t know why. Just trust me on this.
Starve. Frankly, if you leave out this important step, you might as well forget about the first four, because you’ll fail miserably. You will need to cut out the following toxic foods from your body for at least six months: all breads, cheese, dairy, meat, sweets, starches, and well, pretty much any food that gives you enjoyment and happiness. But feel free to eat as much Brussel’s sprouts and cauliflower as you want to – unless these foods give you happiness.
It is imperative that you only eat between noon and 2:30pm and drink 600 ounces of water a day, so your body can flush out the toxins. And now for the good news: you only have to completely fast one day a week. Personally, I recommend Thursday. But many of our customers prefer Tuesday. It’s up to you.
You can also eat an almost unlimited amount of protein. To determine exactly how much protein you should ingest, calculate the amount of protein that would kill a yak and subtract ten grams. That will be your target level.
If you stick with my revolutionary plan there is no reason you can’t lose 50 pounds in three weeks and be in the best shape of your life – assuming you survive those three weeks.
To obtain maximum fitness, don’t forget your supplements. But with so many of them out there, which ones should you take? Simple: ALL OF THEM…. Three times a day. And don’t’ forget your Flintstone Vitamins, and your daily dose of horse tranquilizers.
HOW DO I SIGN UP
Simple. Payment is accepted in the form of Bitcoin. Try the Five S Super Fitness Program absolutely free for two hours. Then send 150 crypto payments of $29.95 / month. Cancel any time (after month 50) by calling our billing department in Bucharest, Romania, whose phone number is temporarily out of service.
OUR 100% SATISFACTION GUARANTEE:If you are not completely satisfied with your results from the Five S Super Fitness Program, we guarantee that we will send you an attractive, framed commemorative certificate explaining in detail our no-refund policy.
Or you can submit an appeal requesting an exception to our no-refund policy by sending a certified copy of your birth certificate, copies of your five most recent federal tax returns, your high school prom photo, a mint-condition 1951 rookie season Mickey Mantle baseball card, and a check in the amount of $150 for processing and handling. It won’t help, but we will happily accept your check for the additional $150.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it aLikeorsharing this post on Facebook.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
