[The following news summary has been approved by the White House Ministry of Clarifying Communications and Truthful Facts, the greatest, most truthlike communications ministry in American history.]
Contrary to the endless lies propagated by fake news sources like CNN, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, CBS, NBC, ABC, NPR, and 500 other America-hating, fake media sources, the news lately has been amazingly great. Here’s a summary of the incredibly positive top stories from the past week.
President Trump signed an Executive Order (EO) to override the Circuit Court of Appeals’ unanimous verdict, which had falsely claimed that his Muslim travel ban was a Muslim travel ban and thus unconstitutional and illegal. Trump’s EO officially bans all federal courts that disagree with any of his EOs because his awesome presidential constitutional authority is bigger than the courts’.
President Trump had an amazingly successful first phone call with Queen Margrethe II of Denmark. In a seven-minute call originally scheduled for an hour, the Queen gushed about her adoration for America’s new president and pledged her full submission, we mean, full cooperation to ensure strong diplomatic relations. And if the Danish ambassador says Trump called the Queen a b*tch when she refused to let Trump deport all our Muslims to Denmark, the ambassador’s a lying, whining loser whose wife is a 4 at best.
Over the past 18 months a previously unknown but highly dangerous psychiatric disorder has spread across the entire United States. It is now considered by medical experts to be our nation’s most nefarious mental health problem. This malady’s scientific name is Tolerance of Racist, Unbalanced, Misogynistic Predators Disorder. But it’s more commonly known by its acronym, T.R.U.M.P.
People exposed to T.R.U.M.P. lose the ability to maintain clear, rational thinking and are unable to tell fake news from real. Scientists have discovered that T.R.U.M.P. tends to target less educated and lower income individuals. Blue collar workers concentrated in white, rural communities seem to be particularly vulnerable to this disorder.
One of the most insidious aspects of this thus-far incurable condition is that most people who have contracted it are oblivious to just how dangerous T.R.U.M.P. is to their safety and economic well-being. And the number of people afflicted has risen alarmingly in the past few months.
Warning signs you may already be exposed to T.R.U.M.P.
If you enjoy reading conspiracy theory rants on social media about Mexicans and Muslims ruining America, you may have been exposed to T.R.U.M.P. Interaction with fake news sites like Breitbart and PatriotNation.com correlate highly with contraction of this mental illness. If you have no problem with the leader of our nation grabbing women by the genitals or walking into dressing rooms of beauty pageants to ogle young, semi-nude female contestants, you may have a particularly noxious case. If you believe in the concept of “alternative facts”, consult a psychiatrist immediately.
The recent presidential election has resulted in some pretty shocking newspaper headlines – like when Scotland’s The Daily Record ran a cover story showing a photo of Donald Trump at his swank new Scottish golf course on a windy day, with his hair all messed up. The headline read:
THERE WILL BE HELL TOUPEE!
The fact is provocative front pages are nothing new. Headlines intended to shock you go back centuries. Recently I did extensive research on the history of newspaper front page headlines, by which I mean I Googled “history of newspaper front page headlines” while binge-watching the Netflix series Stranger Things. I uncovered some long-lost front pages that detail some of the most important, but perhaps forgotten, events in human history.
In my research, I even found what is believed to be the very first front page headline ever written – from The Neanderthal News. It read:
CAVE WOMAN UTTERS FIRST WORDS – HUSBAND FEARFUL SHE WILL NEVER SHUT UP
Here’s a sampling of some of the other amazing tabloid headlines I discovered:(more…)
At the second presidential debate, a Muslim member of the Town Hall audience asked Donald Trump what could be done to reduce the intense level of Islamophobia. Trump replied with what many Americans think is an outstanding solution to address these concerns and help Make America Safe Again: “We have to be sure that Muslims come in and report when they see something going on.”
What a brilliant idea. It appears Muslims by the thousands are embracing his advice – by taking to Twitter to report anything they witness in their Muslim community that seems suspicious. There’s even a Twitter hashtag they’ve created: #MuslimsReportStuff (honest!). Below are some tweets typical of what you’ll find there.
I, for one, can’t thank Donald Trump enough for his inspired idea to enlist Muslims in keeping America safe – from Muslims. They seem to be doing a fantastic job so far. Keep up the great work, everybody!
[Author’s disclaimer: The tweets posted below are all made up by me, Tim Jones, and do not represent actual tweets from actual Muslims. To see actual tweets, go to Twitter and search on #MuslimsReportStuff.] (more…)
The Trump Campaign just announced it will be releasing scores of official letters from experts attesting to the fact Donald Trump is fully prepared to be the most incredibly qualified person to run for the American presidency in over 500 years. Below is a partial sampling of the letters the campaign released today.
On Donald Trump’s Health and Fitness
I’ve thoroughly reviewed Donald J. Trump’s medical history, by which I mean I saw him recently on the Doctor Oz show. And I can confirm without hesitation that Mr. Trump is in excellent health. He’s in way better shape than Martin Van Buren or Chester A. Arthur were when they were president. And his hair color is totally natural.
If you ask me, Donald Trump is without a doubt the most physically fit, emotionally stable human being ever to run for any elected office in any nation, not to mention he is incredibly well-endowed “in that department” – no problems there. (Mr. Trump, did I cover all the points you wanted me to in this letter?)
Dr. Derek Shepherd (AKA Doctor McDreamy) Chief of Neuro-surgery Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital (on the hit ABC TV show, Grey’s Anatomy)
On Donald Trump’s readiness to become Commander-in-Chief
Oh sure, I passed away 36 years ago, but I met the Donald once, and from that brief encounter, let me tell you, he’s fully prepared to be our next Commander-in-Chief. People called me “Colonel,” and rightfully so. I was really good at Battleship. So as a military expert, I’m confident Mr. Trump would be a great commander, whether the board game was Stratego or Checkers.
I’m convinced Donald Trump has the right temperament to have access to the nuclear launch codes. That said, I don’t have a clue what the phrase “nuclear launch codes” actually means. But I do know he likes to eat KFC, so this Colonel is ready to give him a patriotic salute.
Hello. Tim Jones here. This presidential election year is historic in several ways. It is the first time in US history that:
a woman has been nominated by a major political party as their presidential candidate
a major political party has selected a narcissistic, bullying, sociopath as their standard bearer
a major political party has selected a lying, misogynistic racist as their standard bearer
a major political party has selected a thin-skinned, egotistical, uninformed billionaire demagogue as their standard bearer
Did I mention it’s the first time a major political party has selected an utterly unfit, insane whack job for president?
All of these firsts are well and good, but these headlines totally bury the lead – which is: this is also the first time in American presidential history a major political party has placed a TIM on the ticket! That’s right. Someone with the same first name as me: Senator Tim Kaine is Hillary’s Vice Presidential pick.
Admittedly, Tim Kaine is not exactly Mr. Excitement. He pretty much looks like every suburban soccer dad I’ve ever carpooled with. When you google the word “bland” the first search result is a photo of Tim Kaine. Okay, so he’s safe and boring. But you’re missing the point. His name is TIM!!
There have been plenty of people with names like John, Robert, William, and James selected to run as Vice President – and a whole bunch of Dicks. There have even been VP candidates with obscure names like Chester, Rufus, and Hannibal. (Honest.) But until this year, there has never been a single person named TIM selected to be a presidential or vice presidential candidate.
The lamestream media won’t talk about this dirty little secret, but we TIM’s have been pushed around or ignored politically for the past 220 years. For too long, TIM’s have had to live with the cruel acceptance that our name was primarily associated with cripples and freaks — from the pitiful Tiny Tim in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol to the grotesque long-haired oddball ukulele-playing singer who, using that same name, became embarrassingly famous for his falsetto rendition of Tiptoe Through the Tulips.
[The following news summary has been approved by the White House Ministry of Clarifying Communications and Truthful Facts, the greatest, most truthlike communications ministry in American history.] 
