by TEJ | May 28, 2019 | In the News Humor
This just in. In breaking news, a new study shows that almost every newscast starts with breaking news. We will have more details shortly, but first we turn to this new breaking news story….
Wolf Blitzer: This is Wolf Blitzer. Welcome to The Situation Room. We have important breaking news. The Wall Street Journal reports that Democrats in Congress are pushing back against President Trump’s plans to go to war with Iran. They are demanding to know why he is pushing for this when no other country is prepared to support such a – Excuse me, I understand my colleague Dana Bash has some breaking news. Dana?
Reporter Dana Bash: Thanks, Wolf. The New York Times is reporting that Attorney General William Barr wrote an internal memo stating that Donald Trump is not only innocent of all obstruction of justice charges but is also the greatest president in history – and probably would have won the Masters golf tournament had he entered it. This comes on the heels of reports that – I’m sorry. I’ve just been informed of a major development regarding the 2020 election. For more, we go to Zachary Cohen in Chicago. Zachary, what can you tell us?
Reporter Zachary Cohen: Thanks, Dana. A stunning rumor surfaced moments ago regarding the upcoming election. Sources have leaked that Oprah Winfrey plans to announce her candidacy for president at a press confer – wait… Folks, we have breaking news out of Moscow. For details, we turn to Rosa Flores. Rosa, what’s the scoop?
Reporter Rosa Flores: Thanks, Zach. In news that caught the State Department completely off guard, it appears that officials in Moscow, Idaho may have been involved in meddling in the 2016 elections. The State Department has issued a formal apology to President Putin for having doubted his integrity and accusing the wrong Moscow of interference. To make up for this embarrassing diplomatic blunder, the State Department has invited Putin to “get involved” in our 2020 – wait. We have a new development out of Chicago. For more we go to Jeff Simon.
Reporter Jeff Simon: Jeff Simon here. I’ve been told that previous reports of Oprah’s bid for the presidency are premature. She apparently has no intention of running, as she has her eyes set on a higher prize: the Papac –
Cohen: Jeff, we’ve just been told that several predominantly WASPs (Whites Against Spanish People) are up in arms about recent test results which reveal that Hispanic students tend to outscore non-Hispanics on Spanish-language AP tests. Calling this blatant discrimination against American students, a WASP spokesman has called for all high-scoring Hispanic students to be shipped to Guatemala, where they –
Bash: I hate to cut into your breaking news, but I’ve just been handed a screenshot of a Facebook post that claims a new study shows a direct correlation between the amount of alcohol people consume and their inability to remember their wife’s birthda –
Simon: Hold that thought, Dana. We’ve just received a potentially less premature report that Oprah has changed her mind about not running and will announce her candida–
Flores: Jeff, in riveting breaking news, it seems that President Trump is planning to go golfing this weekend at Mar-a-Lago, not Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, N.J., as had been previously disclosed –
Bash: We can now confirm this shocking story in the Waukesha Sentinel that a student, one Nathan Kowalski of Waukesha, Wisconsin, is expected to graduate from Pomona College in Claremont, CA with a 1.8 GPA and no debt. You heard that right. No debt. Sources say this is in part because his millionaire grandparents own majority shares of stock in Pomona College. Said Grandpa Kowalski, “We wanted to invest in our grandson’s future – “
Cohen: Sorry, Dana, but this astonishing bulletin just now crossed my desk. Apparently, many people have difficulty distinguishing Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell from a common tortoise when presented with side by side photographs. This comes after recent reports that Attorney General William Barr bears a surprising resemblance to a grumpy toad. As for what creature Stephen Miller looks like, there is no consensus other than that it’s terrifyin –
Flores: Great reporting, Zach. Hot off the press here: a recently completed congressional investigation concludes that vaccinations can in fact hurt you, especially if the needle is dull and being administered by a child. However, congressional Republicans still dispute findings that suggest assault weapons may cause widespread harm if discharged near people. And –
Bash: Rosa, I am almost speechless about the following breaking bulletin. Only moments ago, I received word that trash pickup for my neighborhood will be on Wednesday next week, not Tuesday, while recycling pickup has been pushed back to Thursday for reasons not yet provided. Local residents are advised to make a note of this on their refrigerator calend –
Cohen: I hate to cut into your breaking news, Dana, but we’ve just heard from an anonymous source that a new study shows a direct correlation between the amount of food people consume and their risk of gaining weight. It appears that food contains something experts refer to as “calories”, which, if ingested –
Simon: Police are bracing for mass demonstrations after the National Hurricane Center announced that this year’s first three hurricanes will be named Andrea, Barry and Chantal – not Stonewall, Scarlett, and Jedediah, as a vocal group of Civil War Reenactment activists had been lobbying for. In related news, climate change apparently is a Chinese hoax after all, according to an EPA Official who asked not to be identif –
Flores: Jeff, I’ve just learned that researchers have discovered an obscure, previously unheard-of humor blog called Vista from the Cheap Seats. For more we go to our reporter, Tim Jones. Tim, what can you tell us?
Reporter Tim Jones: Rosa, it’s actually called View from the Bleachers, and it’s a hilarious collection of –
Simon: Sorry to cut in, Tim, but we have some breaking news. The Center for Obvious Statistics has just released its annual findings that kittens and puppies are still widely perceived to be more adorable than geckos or salamanders. We will have a full report next hour. Now back to Wolf Blitzer in the Situation Room.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019
by TEJ | May 20, 2019 | In the News Humor, Political humor
[Author’s Warning: This week’s post is in response to the Alabama State Legislature’s decision to pass the most draconian anti-abortion law in the country. So, if you’re from Alabama, or perhaps just a big Crimson Tide fan, you might want to skip this week’s post. I hear there’s a good NASCAR race on TV. You might want to watch that instead. – TEJ]
This is the Alabama State Capitol, where the State Legislature recently enacted the nation’s strictest anti-abortion law. A bill that would terminate black voting rights narrowly failed to pass.
The nation’s attention recently pivoted to Alabama, where last week, the state senate, in an overwhelming 25 – 6 vote along party and gender lines, passed landmark legislation banning all abortions in Alabama – including in cases of rape or incest – with the lone exception of when the mother’s life is in danger. Physicians found guilty of violating this new law will face the possibility of up to 99 years in prison – or, even harsher, having to spend the rest of their lives in Alabama.
Bolstered by a large fundamentalist Christian constituency, who fervently believe white men and God should have the last say over women’s bodies, the Alabama state governing powers have been emboldened to push through several other ground-breaking bills, all in an effort to return Alabama to its Antebellum glory years. Here are just a few under consideration:
Ensuring the safety of women
In a further effort to protect women from being forced to make their own decisions, Alabama State Senator Cletus Schitfourbraynz has proposed requiring all female drivers to be accompanied by their husbands or boyfriends while driving – unless the ‘Bama game is on and her man needs her to make a beer run, in which case, women can drive unaccompanied provided they’re wearing a GPS ankle monitor to track their location.
Protecting the rights of black citizens
State Senator Beauregard de Racistidyohti has crafted a measure to make it easier – and safer – for blacks and other minorities to vote – by providing them with their own special day to cast their ballots – one day after the official election. This legislation has the full support of the Alabama chapter of Kind Karing Kinfolk (more commonly known simply as the KKK).
Beloved State Senator Wendall “Grandpa” Batshitowski proposes requiring all children to pack heat in the classroom, for their protection. Here he is demonstrating a prototype of the new “Fun Size” Revolver (for ages 5 and under).
Automating the voting process
To further improve the voting experience and reduce electoral confusion, all ballots in perpetuity will be pre-checked with Donald Trump for president. If for any unfathomable reason, one wishes to change one’s vote to the non-Trump candidate, the process is simple. One simply fills out a ten-page change request form, provide proof of citizenship, submit five years of tax returns, write a 1,000-word essay on “Why I hate America” – and remit a $100 vote change processing fee payable to the Alabama Republican Party. This measure has the added perk of reducing voter fraud, which is rampant in the south.
Establishing an official state religion
Despite the fact that the U.S. Constitution forbids the establishment of a state religion, State Senator Buford Goodolboyze is pushing for the establishment of the Southern Baptist faith as the official religion of Alabama. People found guilty of espousing Jewish, Muslim or agnostic beliefs will be sentenced to five years in prison and subjected to mandatory viewings of Jimmy Swaggart and The 700 Club 12 hours a day during their incarceration.
Creating a new state holiday to celebrate Alabama’s illustrious history
State Senator Cavemanus, Né Andertholl, is advocating for a new state holiday to honor one of the most widely admired people in US history: Jefferson Davis. Davis became the first (and last) President of the Confederate States of America until the money-grubbing northern terrorists illegally took away white people’s God-given right to own slaves.
The holiday will be observed every January 20th, which just coincidentally had been Martin Luther King Jr. Day, until a state constitutional amendment eradicated the latter holiday. Senator Jedediah Lynchum spoke for the majority, declaring, “that King fella was arrested more times than I can count, so clearly, he was a criminal.”
Protecting our children
In an effort to stem gun violence in our schools, Senator Smith N. Wesson has proposed making it mandatory to arm every student with a gun. To ensure this program is implemented safely, assault rifles will only be issued to young children IF they pass a grueling gun safety test in which they must spell the words “assault rifle” with no more than three errors.
In a vote largely along gender lines, the State Senate’s white, male Republican majority pushed through legislation allowing women to dress up “as fancy as you gals wanna” – so long as it’s in the kitchen. Women also now have the option of going barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen as well.
Protecting the sanctity of the flag
If Senator Lucius Dumasbrix gets his way, soon it will become a felony punishable by imprisonment to be caught burning or otherwise disfiguring the flag. For clarification, he’s talking about the Confederate flag. What people do to disrespect the American flag, is, of course, their choice, protected by the First Amendment.
Banning the teaching religion in schools
Teaching religion in schools will hereby be banned – unless, of course, it’s Christianity – the one true religion, according to a bill recently put forth by Senator Ima Morone. Also verboten/forbidden will be the teaching of long-ago debunked myths such as evolution, dinosaurs roaming the earth, climate change and the moon landing hoax.
Helping the homeless
In an effort to help the needy, Senator Ned Jewzahrbadde, has proposed distributing free Bibles to thousands of homeless and needy Alabamians. The Senator argues this program will not cost the taxpayers any money, as the legislature will simply reallocate funds previously assigned to the Food Banks.
And this just in. Apparently Alabama will soon be replacing their state capitol’s statue of native son, country singer Hank Williams, with a 50-foot gold-plated likeness of President Trump, widely regarded as our nation’s greatest president (after Jefferson Davis, that is), according to a poll of white rural voters with a fifth grade education who still think the term “Negro” is socially acceptable.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Like or sharing this post on Facebook.
Check out my latest humor book: YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR LIFE: Misguided Parenting Strategies That Sounded Good at the Time
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2019
by TEJ | Jan 14, 2019 | In the News Humor, Political humor
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announces he’ll erect a southern border wall to protect Canada from all the invading caravans of desperate Americans fleeing the US in search a sane safe haven — and better quality beer.
Ottawa – Today, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau delivered a landmark speech to the combined chambers of the Canadian Parliament. He announced his plans to erect a 50-foot-tall wall along the entire length of the USA-Canadian border to keep them safe from the hordes of Americans fleeing the USA. Countless numbers are seeking asylum in Canada, widely considered the last remaining enclave of sanity north of Mexico.
Canadians were initially enraged when the Prime Minister’s address cut into an intermission of the Maple Leafs – Oilers game. Mr. Trudeau began his ten-minute speech in the traditional Canadian manner, by apologizing for interrupting TV coverage of the Zamboni re-surfacing the ice rink.
In his remaining 90 seconds, he was resolute. “In recent months, with all the erratic behavior coming out of the White House in Washington, DC, it has caused tremors throughout our great nation. Our fine people are increasingly fearful that Donald Trump may destroy the world economy, start a nuclear war, or worse yet, attempt to visit Canada.
Canada’s charismatic leader pointed to indisputable evidence of massive caravans trying to breach their perimeter. “They’re filled with lots of scary, dangerous people heading straight for our defenseless southern border. Some really bad people, ya’ know? So, I have no choice but to place the safety and security of our people first.” According to fact checkers, he apologized twenty-three times during his ten-minute presentation.
Trudeau pointed to the latest news stories reporting thousands of Americans in Honda SUVs and Subaru Cross-overs closing in on the Great White North, with several invaders known to be aggressive hand-shakers.
(more…)
by TEJ | Jan 8, 2019 | In the News Humor, Other Attempts at Humor
Two famous British Generals from the Revolutionary War were General John Burgoyne and General William Howe. They were going to join forces in the Battle of Saratoga to quash the rebels. Things did not quite work out as planned.
Editor’s Note: VFTB’s crack team of researchers and military historians has uncovered a never-before-seen collection of letters between two heroic British generals who served nobly during the American Revolutionary War: General John Burgoyne and General William Howe. (Yes, they are actual historical figures.)
This sampling of correspondence describes their strategy to defeat the rebellious colonials at the Battle of Saratoga in the fall of 1777.
While some may question the authenticity of these letters, (which I find astonishing), the circumstances around the build-up to this historic battle, which played a pivotal role in turning the tide of the Revolutionary War, are essentially true. – TEJ
17 August 1777
To My Esteemed Comrade, General Howe,
It has been a long, arduous passage from our wilderness encampment in the Canadian territory. But it is with great pride that I share the news of our brilliant victory over those scoundrel rebels of New York colony, as the King’s brave young soldiers clashed with those ruffians and overwhelmed their defenses at Fort Ticonderoga. As the sun sets, the colours of His Majesty King George’s Kingdom of Great Britain wave proudly against the smoke-filled skies.
I remain confident our plan to join forces, yours from the south and mine from the north, on the fertile plains of Saratoga will cut off those groggy, ill-mannered hooligan colonials from their New England brethren, thus ensuring for the two of us the highest honour. Perhaps a knighthood shall be in order, ol’ chum?
Long live our King.
General John Burgoyne
(P.S. my faithful wife Catherine, Duchess of Strathmore, enjoyed your jovial demeanor at our last encounter and asks of your wellbeing.)
********
31 August 1777
To My Noble Servant of Our King, My Esteemed, General Burgoyne,
It has been nigh to a fortnight since your correspondence informing me of your glorious victory over those vulgar plowboys of New York colony. Alas, I am still tethered to our encampment here along the banks of the Delaware, betwixt the shores of Philadelphia and Camden, seeking provisions and reinforcements. As soon as they arrive, it will be with the swiftest alacrity that I shall decamp and reconnoiter my forces to rendezvous with your fine men on the fields of Saratoga, where, God and the King be willing, we shall prevail and vanquish those pesky rabble-rousers, thus bringing to a rightful conclusion this senseless spillage of tea in our harbors. I shall send word of my impending arrival and look forward to joining forces before the next full moon.
Yours in the Service of our King,
General William Howe
(P.S. That is kind of the fair Duchess Catherine to ask. Pass on to your lovely wife, I am solid of spirits, except for of an odd rash of late. Do say, will the fair duchess’s carriage be following you south with each undoubted triumph?) (more…)
by TEJ | Nov 6, 2018 | In the News Humor
I hope you all are sitting down, because I have some unbelievable news. According to a poker buddy of mine, who heard it from his bowling teammate, who read it on a fortune cookie, I am on the short list for the Nobel Prize for Literature! It is all thanks to my hilarious, only moderately offensive satirical coloring book, I’m So Sick of White Guys – available at fine bookstores everywhere, as well as a few fly-by-night operations I’d suggest steering clear of.
While my endowment is not yet official, I figured I should work on my acceptance speech, so I’m fully prepared when I do get the call. To be honest, I did not see this coming. Oh, sure, I figured I’d eventually win a Pulitzer for my award-deserving humor writing. Heck, my piece called Don’t Let Your Dishwasher Destroy Your Marriage alone should have garnered me that trophy. But a Nobel? Now you’re making me blush.
I’ve long envisioned receiving that life-changing call from the Nobel Committee. I’ll admit, in my mind I was being honored for my accomplishments in a more popular category, such as physics or chemistry. If only I’d stayed awake during chemistry class or even audited a physics course. I blame my high school guidance counselor for leading me astray astray toward majoring in the Humanities.
What I really had my heart set on was the Peace Prize – the big enchilada. Talk about impressing my racquetball buddies! But the committee probably gained access to my pre-school transcript (I thought it was sealed) and learned of my recess scuffle with Cindy O’Connor. That undoubtedly took me out of contention. I maintain I was within my rights to pull her hair and put a frog in her lunchbox after she gave me a card with hearts drawn all over it. Yuck! But I digress.
Back to my acceptance speech. It’s merely a first draft, so I’m open to any suggestions to punch it up a bit.
“Dear Nobel Committee, friends, esteemed guests, View from the Bleachers readers, United Nations General Assembly, my new Bestie President Obama, the original cast of Glee, and Cindy O’Connor, whom I hereby formally forgive for giving me a mushy card. (more…)
by TEJ | Aug 23, 2018 | In the News Humor, Political humor
[Note by Tim Jones: This week’s column was written by Lawrence Douglas and Alexander George.]
You can just imagine the tweets, denials and equivocating that would follow a murder committed by Trump on Fifth Avenue, can’t you?
The New York Times:
Breaking news: in an eerie echo of Donald Trump’s infamous campaign trail remark – “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters” – many witnesses report, and CCTV footage obtained by the Times confirms, that early this morning the president drew a handgun on his former lawyer Michael Cohen and shot him dead on a street in midtown Manhattan.
House speaker Paul Ryan:
“If these reports are true – I emphasize IF – then yes, I’m very concerned. I don’t think the president should be killing people in broad daylight in front of Tiffany’s. But I’m not a legal expert, I could be wrong.”
White House press secretary Sarah Sanders:
Associated Press: “Ms. Sanders, did the president shoot his former lawyer in an effort to stop him from testifying against the president?”
Sarah Sanders: “No, he did not.”
AP: “Are you saying that the shooting was not motivated by Mr. Cohen’s recent plea deal, or rather that the president did not shoot him?”
SHS: “You’ve got my answer, Jim. No, no, no.”
AP: “Ms. Sanders, I’m still not clear what –”
SHS: “The answer is no. No as in no. N. O. It’s these kinds of questions that have turned the American people against the press.” (more…)
