As has been the proud tradition of this prestigious news publication since 1975, it is time for VFTB’s Annual Year in Review for 2012, where we look back at the important news stories of the past twelve months that you missed because you were too busy playing Resident Evil 6 on your PlayStation 3. In Part I of this two-part special report, we cover January through June. We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s get started.
January: The Euro Zone crisis continues to deepen. But European Central Bank and IMF leaders calm jitters when they declare they’re close to reaching consensus on the outline of a resolution to come up with a tentative roadmap for a possible plan to assemble an exploratory advisory board to study the feasibility of launching a steering committee to look into a possible framework to solve the crisis, thus forestalling a complete economic collapse for another two weeks, and giving European leaders and bankers just enough time to funnel all their assets into an account in the Cayman Islands.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insists there is absolutely no truth to the speculation that Iran is developing nuclear weapons. He further denies that he cheats at poker, is a lousy tipper or uses Just for Men to dye his beard. But he does confirm that he is in negotiations to appear on Dancing with the Stars.
View from the Bleachers interviewed famous Americans this past week, asking them “What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving season?” Here is a holiday gift basket of inspirational messages from some of our nation’s most illustrious, America-loving Americans.
Ann Romney, wife of presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney: “I was very disappointed that Mitt lost the election, due to that fluke late October hurricane and the minor fact that Mitt’s not very good at relating to people with net worths under $25 million. But we still have so much to be grateful for. Mitt’s hair still looks amazing. We just bought Monaco. Precious. And, frankly, the thought of having to downsize our lifestyle to fit into that cramped White House was something I really was not looking forward to anyway. Besides, six luxury houses is plenty. We know some families who can’t even afford four.”
Tim Tebow, backup NFL quarterback: “I thank my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ, for giving me the opportunity to play this sport I love so much. And someday, the good Lord willing, I hope to have the chance to play on a professional NFL team. Until then, I am content to play for the New York Jets.”
In what has been the most polarizing campaign since our nation was torn apart by Pepsi’s shocking defeat of Coke in the Pepsi Challenge of 1975, it appears that thanks to an ingenious last-minute October Surprise maneuver, President Obama has stolen the 2012 presidential election, defeating America’s (and God’s) preferred candidate, Mitt Romney.
Devising a brilliant never-before-tried campaign tactic, Obama strategists implemented October’s devastating Super Storm Sandy, and using an offer of a lifetime supply of Hostess Twinkies, was able to bribe New Jersey Governor Chris Christie into extolling Obama’s leadership in a crisis, just days before the election. The devious ploy appears to have worked, as Obama eked out a narrow, albeit hotly contested, win. Even God did not see this one coming, according to a Romney spokesperson, who added “God and Mother Nature are going to have a long talk about this.” .
[Note from the Staff of VFTB: We proofread Tim Jones’ rant below about why he’s switching his vote from Obama to Romney. We uncovered a few minor errors in his analysis and felt compelled to insert corrections as needed. – the Staff]
I’ve been a lifelong Democrat ever since my grandmother was five years old. I can still remember the very first vote I cast for president – for Millard Fillmore (I just liked the way his name sounded). I later found out he wasn’t actually on the ballot when I first voted in 1976.
In 2008, I voted for Barack Obama. Like millions of Americans, I was inspired by his vision of Hoesin Chains, or whatever his slogan was. But when I look back on the past four years, it’s clear that Obama is not up to the task of leading our nation for another four years. Let’s look at his track record:
Isn’t that just divine? No need to worship me just because it turns out I’m probably a direct descendant of the Son of God. This really won’t change me in any way. I’m still the same old Tim you always knew – only holier. Hey, if you’re really nice to me, I just might put in a good word for you with the Big Guy upstairs. Could come in handy on Judgment Day if you’re on the bubble.
Okay, perhaps this is getting to my head just a bit. Actually, I’m directly related, through my great grandfather on my mother’s side of the family. From the research I have done, I am fairly sure I’m a direct descendant of Christ. I mean, look at our profiles. I totally have his chin.
With each passing week, the 2012 presidential race is getting tighter and tighter. The most recent Gallup poll has it at 49.99999999% for Romney and 49.99999999% for Obama. A dead heat. Scientists have discovered molecules with more space between them than these polling numbers.
Just three months ago, the number of battleground states had narrowed to eight. In the past month, it has narrowed even further – to just one state: Ohio. Both candidates have been spending so much time in this state they now know most Ohioans on a first-name basis, as well as their pets.
Political pundits argue that as Ohio goes, so goes the election. Both parties’ campaigns have dissected the Buckeye State county by county, city by city, donut shop by donut shop. They have narrowed down their focus to one household in a small town in central Ohio. Using sophisticated statistical analysis, both campaigns now believe the election will come down to which candidate can win over the final two undecided voters remaining in America: Howard and Marjorie Grundfeldt of Pickerington, Ohio. As the Grundfeldts go, so goes the election.
As has been the proud tradition of this prestigious news publication since 1975, it is time for VFTB’s Annual Year in Review for 2012, where we look back at the important news stories of the past twelve months that you missed because you were too busy playing Resident Evil 6 on your PlayStation 3. In Part I of this two-part special report, we cover January through June. We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s get started.
