[The following text exchange took place between a female business executive named Roxanne and her boyfriend of four years, Virgil, a high school English teacher.]
Roxanne: Dear Virgil, I gotta tell you something and it’s been on my mind for a long time.
Virgil: Good evening, Roxanne. Thank you for your text. By the way, “gotta” is not proper English. I believe you meant to say, “I must” or “I have to.” What’s up?
Roxanne: We need 2 talk.
Virgil: You errantly used the digit “2” as in one more than one. So, you’ve lost me. We need “one plus one talk?” That makes no sense. Please clarify.
Roxanne: Oh, for God’s sake, Virgil. 2 is short for “to.” We need TO talk. I cant wait any longer.
Virgil: Sorry, still not clear on what you’re trying to convey – unless you mean “no, I can’t” in which case, don’t forget the apostrophe since it’s a contraction.
Roxanne: Geez. Okay. Got it.
Virgil: Who’s got what? “Got it” is missing a subject. Who has it? A policeman? The Queen of England? My schnauzer? My brain buzzes with possibilities. Could you clarify who it is that has it and what specifically does he or she have?
Roxanne: Jesus, Virgil. I’m talking about US. We need to talk about US.
Virgil: Capitalizing the letters US only makes sense if you’re referring to our country. But even then, technically you should put periods after the letters since it’s an abbreviation for United States.
Roxanne: Virgil, focus. For the millionth time, I don’t need another syntax lesson.
Virgil: I believe you mean “another grammar” lesson. Syntax is about word order. Your mistake was –
Roxanne: My MISTAKE was taking four freakin’ years to tell you what I should have told you four years ago. It’s over.(more…)
My name is Dr. Nathan Feingold. I’m Head of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. Recently, you received a court order to submit to a battery of psychological tests due to widespread concerns by members of your own administration, Congress, and your wife, about your stability. Each has observed that since you became president, your behavior has become increasingly erratic, or, to quote your recently fired FBI Director, “the dude’s batsh*t crazy”.
This is an executive summary of the results. My findings highlight several areas of serious concern about your overall emotional, psychological and mental health.
Reading Comprehension and Vocabulary
Your reading comprehension scores indicate a 4th grade reading level. When exposed to passages from various works of literature, including the Gettysburg Address and Shakespeare’s King Lear, you had difficulty identifying the underlying meaning of the passage. For example, you incorrectly opined that the primary point of Martin Luther King’s I have a Dream speech was that he dreamed he could own a house as nice as Trump Towers.
On the positive side, you scored close to the median 3rd grade comprehension level when asked the colors of the main characters in the Dr. Seuss book, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. In reviewing the results of your vocabulary and spelling profile, your scores dropped off significantly for words having more than one syllable. For example, the capital of Arizona is spelled Phoenix, not Fenicks. And the word you were looking for was “presidential” not “precedential.”(more…)
As a good husband, I try to feign interest in my wife’s favorite passions. It’s easy when we’re talking kittens or kayaking. But the next time my wife asks, “Honey, how would you like to check out this new museum?”, if you have an ounce of compassion in you, PLEASE, for the love of God, STOP ME from spinelessly acquiescing to her heartless suggestion. It’s dangerous to my emotional well-being. The problem is that my wife and I have very different notions about what it means to “check out” a museum.
It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking a museum of paintings, cuckoo clocks, or the Wisconsin Museum of Cheese. It’s all about the approach. I like to swoop in, catch a glimpse of three or four major highlights, and get out while I still have some functioning brain cells. But my wife – she might as well sign a short-term rental agreement with the museum’s Board of Directors, because she’s planning on staying.
Last weekend, we visited the Museum of Anthropology and Natural History. Michele got excited because she learned this was the last day of their special exhibit called Fabrics Around the World. I figured, how long could this possibly take? I mean, you have cotton, polyester, and wool, the three fabrics that make up every article of clothing I’ve ever owned. We’d roll through the entire display in fifteen minutes max. I was off – by a factor of five.
My wife was fascinated by the intricate weavings found in Morocco, the brilliant colors preferred in the hilltop regions of Bhutan, and the myriad methods of felting coming from the British Isles. Meanwhile, my interest in fabrics was focused on a pizza stain I just noticed on my white t-shirt which was woven – I think you’ll find this interesting – in the Philippines, using a traditional polyester blend, made in a sweat shop by a nine-year-old boy named Danilo.
Three of the greatest pleasures in life – and I’m sure you will agree – are: relaxing poolside in a sunny tropical location, eating cookie dough ice cream, and sleeping. When my number is up, I hope to go out napping on a chaise lounge in Hawaii with an empty quart of cookie dough ice cream on my lap.
Seriously, is there anything more blissful in life than napping on a rainy afternoon? Oh sure, I hear you thinking, “You don’t want to waste your life away catching z’s, do you?” To which I say, “Of course I do!” I read an article that said on average, human beings spend 33 percent of their lives sleeping. I estimate I’ve spent closer to 38% – but then I’ve always been an over-achiever. (I would have read the rest of the article, but I was snoozing by the fourth paragraph.)
You know the kind of people I can’t stand? People who get up at 4:30 am to work out at the gym for an hour before zipping through the entire New York Times crossword puzzle, while making a kale & kelp milkshake for breakfast before heading off to work by 7 to cure cancer or feed the homeless – no doubt with kale & kelp milkshakes.
To be honest, for decades, I used to be one of those people (except for the k & k shakes, that is). But now that I’m retired, I realize that for all those decades, my priorities were seriously out of whack. Lately I’ve discovered the joy of sleeping in. Oh, I still wake up by 5:30, but now I pass the next two hours lulling in bed, debating how long I can stay there before my grape-sized bladder gives out. I love sleeping. It’s that tranquil period between 10 pm and 7 am when I don’t have to wash dishes, do laundry, clean the basement, pay bills or listen to my wife complain about how much time I waste sleeping.
Lately, United Airlines’ longstanding motto, Fly the Friendly Skies, has taken a serious tumble. On a recent flight four passengers were told they had to disembark to make room for airline personnel. One of the chosen was a doctor who refused to give up his seat, using a lame excuse that he had an ethical obligation to see patients the next morning. There’s one in every crowd. There are also cell phones in every crowd, and many took videos of security guards dragging the 69-year old Asian American doctor down the aisle, ejecting him from the plane, complete with a broken nose and two lost teeth.
The bad news for United: Within an hour those videos went viral, making international news. The good news: – United’s stock actually took off – soared – the very next day, increasing the company’s market cap by $355 million. Apparently, investors were impressed by United’s new slogan, “At United, we’ll treat you as well as we treat your luggage!” And now United now has plenty of ready cash for the lawsuits.
The airlines’ CEO, Oscar Munoz, wasted no time in defending their policy: “If you don’t have many Frequent Flyer miles and you paid a low price for your ticket, we have the right to remove you. Be grateful we carry this out while still on the ground. The Board of Directors argued for inflight ejections, but we couldn’t agree on whether or not to supply parachutes.” Today, however, amidst public furor, United reversed itself and issued several new policy guidelines to reassure hesitant travelers that once again, the airline is committed to bringing back the friendly skies. Effective immediately, United will make the following changes in its passenger policies:
No longer will passengers be tasered for asking for a second bag of peanuts.
Roxanne: Dear Virgil, I gotta tell you something and it’s been on my mind for a long time.
