Kristi Noem, Homeland Security Secretary, and Stephen Miller, White House Deputy Chief of Staff announced the Trump Administration’s new policy to combat the rampant number of “acts of domestic terrorism.” No one should be concerned that this may impact them – so long as they have previously purchased a Trump watch, Trump sneakers, a Trump Bible, or invested at least $15,000 in Trump’s World Liberty Financial crypto coin.
Washington, D.C. — In an effort to reduce confusion, panic, and accidental freedom, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem and White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller held a joint press conference today to clarify what the Trump Administration now considers “an act of domestic terrorism.”
The clarification was deemed necessary after authorities recently determined that driving an SUV containing stuffed animals in the glove compartment and Cheerios in the back seat constituted “a rolling daycare of radicalism” and an imminent threat to law enforcement.
“Americans deserve clarity,” Miller said, standing in front of a giant banner that read IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE, THEN GIVE US YOUR FACEBOOK PASSWORD. “People are nervous. They’re asking questions like, ‘Am I a terrorist?’ And we want to reassure them that yes – statistically speaking, many of you probably are.”
Miller explained that the new guidelines were designed to be “narrow, precise, and easy to understand,” while also allowing federal agents to respond swiftly to suspicious behaviors, vague vibes, disrespectful facial expressions, and anyone who “looks like they might be checking their TikTok feed during the national anthem.”
Under the newly clarified policy, the following activities fall within the carefully limited definition of “acts of domestic terrorism” and may result in immediate arrest, questioning, or being taken to the ground by a masked, bearded man in sunglasses and tactical pants:
Jaywalking — but only if you’re a resident of a blue state, a swing state, or a state that once voted blue in 1976 and hasn’t properly apologized.
Using a steak knife when a butter knife is clearly the appropriate culinary utensil, which Miller described as “cutlery extremism.”
Pausing too long before answering the question, “How great is America?”
Owning a reusable grocery bag, especially one with words like co-op, farmer, or save the planet, all of which are known Marxist trigger phrases.
Referring to January 6th as “an attempt to subvert the results of a fair election” instead of “a patriotic open-house tour filled with love, light trespassing, and artisanal zip ties.”
Having a foreign-sounding name, or any name that causes Tucker Carlson to squint.
Agatha Burns, a teacher at Crestline Elementary School in Gadsden, Alabama, is poisoning these impressionable 3rd graders with a deeply disturbing fake lesson about the “Gulf of Mexico.” She knows its correct name is “Gulf of America.” On the plus side, at least she has identified the correct location of this important American-owned sea.
Anyone named Mohammed, unless you are a crypto billionaire, UFC sponsor, or recently purchased TikTok.
Anyone who can locate Somalia on a map.
Any woman or minority hired or promoted within the past five years if there was a nearly-as-qualified white male available who “just needed one more chance.”
Driving an electric vehicle when there is a perfectly adequate gas-guzzling Chevy Blazer you could have purchased instead.
Kristi Noem then outlined offenses considered severe enough to warrant immediate deportation to an El Salvadoran torture camp – or, in less serious cases, a Mississippi Waffle House. These include posting any of the following nicknames mocking President Trump on social media:
Trumpoleon, The Incontinental Divider, Vladdy’s Boy, Mango Mussolini, Our Fondling Father, Don Whoreleone, Pumpkin-Spiced Stalin, Cheeto Benito, The Lyin’ King, Don the Con, Tangerine Toddler, Cheetolini, Teddy Dozevelt, Napoleon Bone-Aspur, Commander-in-Thief, Nostra-Dumbass, Donny Nappleseed, His MAGA-Sty, Donald Duck the Draft, Tannibal Lecter, or simply saying “Trump” in a tone that suggests disapproval.
Subscribing to The New York Times, even for the recipes, and especially for playing Wordle, which Noem described as “how revolutions start.”
Listening to NPR discuss DEI and saying at any point, “Wow. That sounds like a good thing.”
Watching Jimmy Kimmel monologues on YouTube and laughing approvingly to this unfunny, no-talent loser.
Demanding the release of the entire unredacted Epstein Files – Give it a rest. There’s nothing to see.
Canceling tickets to any performance at the DONALD J. TRUMP KENNEDY CENTER FOR FREEDOM AND LOYALTY since the name change.
Videotaping an ICE officer or confronting them with any of the following aggressive, terroristic behaviors:
- Asking to see their badge
- Asking them to remove their mask
- Asking if they could remove their knee from your neck
- Asking for directions to the nearest Whole Foods store
Noem also warned Americans to avoid “pre-crime indicators,” including but not limited to:
- Accidentally referring to the Gulf of America by its former, treasonous name
- Using words or phrases like hands off our healthcare, resist, or NO KINGS
- Pointing out that Greenland technically belongs to Denmark, a (former) NATO ally and current buzzkill
- Being “a fatty” (but only if you’re in the U.S. military)
Stephen Miller then announced that Pam Bondi’s Department of Justice will begin reviewing every citizen’s social-media history dating back to the 2016 election. “Any post, comment, emoji, or LIKE critical of President Trump, myself, Kristi Noem, Pam Bondi, Kash Patel, RFK Jr., or RFK Jr.’s brain worm will be flagged,” Miller said. “And by flagged, I mean sent directly to President Trump so he can personally attack you in one of his 100+ nightly Truth Social rage posts between midnight and 6 a.m.”
Additional acts now considered suspicious include googling “Can Trump legally do that?”, “When did our democracy die?” or “How is the economy doing now vs. under Biden?”. Not to mention anyone caught subscribing to Tim Jones’ View from the Bleachers.
This couple better hope ICE doesn’t catch them watching this show. Rachel Maddow and MS NOW (formerly MSNBC) is fake news intent on brainwashing us to believe Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion are good.
Citizens were also cautioned against displaying un-American tendencies such as wearing a mask when sick, getting vaccinated, explaining how tariffs are actually a tax on U.S. consumers, or making a protest sign of any kind – unless it is in praise of President Trump – and misspelled.
When asked if there were any actions that would result in immediate, non-appealable deportation, Noem responded without hesitation. “Yes. One specific action: Being caught committing an act of treason.”
When pressed to define treason, she clarified, “Anyone suspected of having voted for Obama, Biden, or Hillary – especially if you seem smug about it.”
Noem and Miller closed the press conference by encouraging Americans to remain calm, compliant, and constantly vigilant for any suspicious, terrorist-leaning behavior – especially by their adolescent children.
At press time, Homeland Security officials were reportedly investigating a Guatemalan woman for standing in line at Starbucks while quietly shaking her head at the latest menu prices.
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