If watching NFL football is too intense for your temperament, might I suggest fishing. No, not going fishing. Watching fishing – on TV. Just relax as you watch two drunk guys in a boat talk about the one that got away. Ideal for anyone who’s having trouble falling asleep.

Are you tired of traditional sports being too…well, sporty? Have you ever watched a high-stakes curling match and thought, “This is just too much excitement for my blood pressure?”

If so, my friend, I have the perfect solution for calming your dangerously overactive sports-viewing lifestyle: Fishing. On TV.

That’s right – fishing. But not the kind where you have to leave the house at the crack of dawn to go interact with nature, apply sunscreen, and swat pesky mosquitos. No, I’m talking about the televised spectacle of watching other people sit in a boat, drink beer, and every twenty minutes or so say something like, “Hey, I think I got a bite” – in a thick Texas drawl. This isn’t just a sport. It’s a lifestyle. A very slow, deeply uneventful lifestyle.

Now, you might say, “Isn’t watching fishing about as exhilarating as changing a light bulb?” To which I say: Exactly. That’s the point.

Fishing shows are the perfect remedy for anyone who finds professional bowling a little too fast-paced, or thinks golf is just a chaotic mess of sudden movement and over caffeinated whisper-commentary. Fishing is for the truly refined viewer who longs for a steady heart rate and the occasional glimpse of camouflage outerwear.

What To Expect When You’re Expecting . . . . Nothing

The beauty of fishing shows lies in their utter predictability, in that absolutely nothing will happen for 28 of the 30 minutes. You’ll tune in to see two guys named Dale and Bubba in Nowhere, Tennessee sitting in a boat with the color palette of dishwater. They’ll be wearing enough Realtree brand camo gear to confuse a passing deer into filing a restraining order.

For the first seven minutes, Dale will explain his revolutionary new jigging technique, which is identical to last week’s jigging technique except this time he’s wearing different lucky socks. Meanwhile, Bubba is laser-focused on the depth finder and his cooler of Busch Light. There’s a real “will they, won’t they” tension in the air, reminiscent of a Jane Austen novel if Jane Austen had been heavily into largemouth bass and gas station jerky.

Eventually, the camera will cut to a close-up of a bobber, because frankly it has more charisma than the hosts. The bobber floats. Still floats. Continues to float. Now we’re ten minutes in, and the only thing that’s happened is Dale coughed once, and Bubba accidentally cut his thumb with a fish hook, which was, if we’re being honest, the episode’s climax.

When watching fishing on TV, start slowly. The popular show Deadliest Catch may freak you out. Start with a show that’s a bit more sedate, like Backyard Fishing for Guppies. Nobody’s ever died in that show, as far as I can tell, not even guppies.

The Thrill of the Catch

Every once in a while – maybe once every three episodes – someone actually catches a fish. This event is treated with the kind of reverence usually reserved for the birth of a royal baby. The camera zooms in dramatically as Dale reels in a bass the size of a well-fed guinea pig. He holds it up proudly, as if to say, “Behold! I have conquered nature!” Bubba high-fives him and accidentally drops his beer overboard, triggering a good-natured chuckle that lasts roughly five minutes longer than it should. The show is brought to you by Skoal Chewing Tobacco – “The choice of professional anglers.”

And that’s the magic of fishing shows. It’s not about the fish. It’s about the journey. A very slow, meandering journey that involves zero cardio. And if you have to take a ten-minute bathroom break, trust me, you won’t miss anything while you are gone.

For the Die-Hard Fans

There is no shortage of fishing-viewing options. There are dozens of fishing shows and even several streaming channels devoted entirely to fishing. In fact, you could literally spend the rest of your life just watching the endless stream of fishing shows on YouTube alone. (My, what a sad life you must lead.) Here are some popular shows you may want to add to your binge-watch list:

• Bassmaster – Because watching a guy in sunglasses yell, “It’s a big one!” and then haul up a fish the size of a pork BBQ sandwich is pure adrenaline.
• Fly Fishing the World – A travel show disguised as a fishing show, where you mostly watch a guy stand in freezing rivers in Iceland and talk about how spiritual it is to wave a stick at passing salmon.
• Deadliest Catch – The rock concert of fishing shows, except it’s just crusty guys yelling in the rain while tying knots with one frozen hand and swearing at crabs as their boat gets flooded by 25-foot waves. Will first mate Earl go overboard again? You’ll just have to tune in to find out.

But be warned. Deadliest Catch might be too intense for beginner fishing viewers. There’s action. Swearing. Sometimes people fall overboard – usually Earl. It’s basically Die Hard with barnacles. You might want to start with something lower octane, like a YouTube video of a guy organizing his tackle box alphabetically. Or re-reading this article…

When Fishing Is Just Too Dang Exciting

Of course, if watching other people fish on TV is too much of a thrill ride for your elevated blood pressure, perhaps Lawn Mower Wars is more your style. It features suburban neighbors competing to mow their yard in less time. Sponsored by Scotts Turf Builder, of course.

Now, if watching people fish is still too much excitement for your delicate immune system, don’t worry. You still have other options. Consider stepping down to even more sedate sports:

• Watching Paint Dry: The Championship – Now with time-lapse slo-mo instant replay.
• Grass Growing Invitational – Sponsored by Miracle-Gro and attended by absolutely no one.
• Live Birdwatching (from a webcam pointed at an empty tree) – Where the motto is, “We think a chickadee showed up last Thursday.”

Fishing shows are the ultimate televised sport for people who think “thrill rides” should involve couch cushions and a tub of rocky road ice cream. They offer everything you could want: near silence, somewhat hilarious beer ads every eight minutes, and the occasional Walleye or Chinook salmon in its final throes, realizing too late that it probably shouldn’t have chomped on that lure that looked like a minnow.

So grab your remote, your Snuggie, and a six-pack of whatever’s on sale. The lake is calling, and by lake I mean your couch. And by calling, I mean whispering softly, with a yawn.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

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