Notice how the wife meticulously measures just the right amount of detergent. Meanwhile, the husband pours half a bottle of bleach directly onto the laundry, thereby bypassing the bleach drawer. That’s just smart efficiency, if you ask any husband.

If you’ve been married for more than six weeks, sooner or later you’ll face one of the most contentious challenges a couple must confront: deciding on the proper way to do laundry. While both men and women technically possess the physical capability to perform this task, their approaches are as different as fine chardonnay and gas station nachos. As a result, these differences can turn into heated battles.

To help you navigate these tumultuous waters, I have compiled a step-by-step comparison of how women and men approach the sacred art of laundering clothes. Check your gender to be sure you know which approach you should follow.

Step 1: Sorting the Laundry

Women’s Approach:

1. Once a week, gather all the dirty clothes from the various hampers in the house, including the one in the bathroom, the one in the bedroom, and the mystery pile your husband swears he “was totally going to get to.â€
2. Separate whites from colors, ensuring that no rogue red socks infiltrate the pristine whites and turn them an angry pink.
3. Further separate delicates, towels, jeans, and workout clothes into their own separate piles because apparently, different fabrics have different temperature and washing requirements.
4. Check all pockets for money, gum, rogue tissues, and – if you have young kids – LEGOs.
5. Stare in horror at what your husband has wadded up into a jumbled mass the size of a small moose and thrown into the hamper. Debate whether it can be salvaged or should just be set on fire, to prevent a potentially dangerous toxic waste dump from engulfing your house. 

Men’s Approach:

1. Once every four months, grab everything from the hamper and the floor (same thing, really) and stuff it all into the washing machine until it is so full you can barely close the door. Remember, if it’s not overflowing, there’s room for more.
2. Consider checking pockets but then get distracted by a hilarious Bud Lite commercial on TV and forget.

Step 2: Selecting the Wash Settings 

Women’s Approach:

1. Carefully consult the care labels on each garment.
2. Select the appropriate water temperature and cycle: cold for delicates, warm for colors, hot for whites, and, for unknown fabrics, Google it just to be safe.
3. Add just the right amount of detergent, fabric softener, and maybe even a color-safe bleach booster.
4. Adjust the settings accordingly so nothing shrinks, bleeds, or turns into something a miniature poodle could comfortably squeeze into. 

Men’s Approach:

1. Turn the dial to whatever setting the machine is already on. It was fine last time, right?
2. Dump in a generous amount of detergent – more soap means cleaner clothes, obviously. If the water starts foaming like your two-year-old’s bubble bath, you probably have the right amount.
3. Hit the start button.
4. Check back two days later when you suddenly remember you never took the clothes out of the washing machine.

Step 3: Transferring Clothes to the Dryer 

Women’s Approach:

1. Carefully pull out each item, one by one, and inspect for stains. If a stain remains, rewash immediately by hand to prevent the stain from becoming permanent.
2. Separate delicate items that should never see the inside of a dryer and lay them out flat or hang them to dry.
3. Set the dryer to the appropriate heat level: low for delicates, medium for everyday wear, and high for towels and sheets.
4. Add a dryer sheet because fresh-smelling clothes are one of the little joys of living in a civil society. 

Men’s Approach:

1. Shovel the entire load into the dryer like you’re shoveling coal into the firebox of an 1830s steam engine train bound for the Dakota Territories.
2. Forget about delicates. Men don’t wear delicates, so you can ignore this issue.
3. Turn the heat to “High†because heat equals dry, and dry equals done.
4. Close the door and return to watching the game.
5. If you discover that your wife’s sweat pants have drastically shrunk to something a toddler could wear, secretly throw it in the trash and tell her you never saw it. “Are you sure you didn’t misplace it, honey?â€

 Step 4: Folding and Putting Away

When the laundry is done, notice how the wife neatly folds every item and puts similar items together, like these towels. The husband, on the other hand, uses the time-tested “entropy†system, in which all the clothes are shoved into a giant pile – to be sorted out later. Much later.

Women’s Approach:

1. Remove clothes immediately to prevent wrinkles.
2. Fold each item neatly, ensuring shirts are stacked, socks are paired, and towels are folded to fit the closet in their proper spot.
3. Hang up dress shirts, blouses, and anything that even hints at needing a hanger.
4. Put everything away in its designated spot, where it belongs. Your work is done. 

Men’s Approach:

1. Remember the clothes you put in the dryer last week and put the game on pause.
2. Grab the entire pile and dump it onto the nearest available flat surface, the kitchen floor.
3. Start to fold a couple shirts, then remember how boring this is. Decide to shove the entire mass into the floor of the closet. There! Job finished!

Final Step: Review Your Work 

Women’s Approach:

1. Take note of what went wrong and adjust for next time.
2. Reflect on how grateful your husband will be when he sees all his clothes so neatly folded and stored in their proper repositories. Yes, he’s lucky to have you as his wife.
3. Try not to get triggered by the fact that in reality your husband is oblivious to all your hard work and asks if you could get him another beer. 

Men’s Approach:

1. Act slightly indignant when your wife screams that her favorite cashmere sweater has shrunk four sizes.
2. Calmly de-escalate the situation by saying, “Is it possible you’ve put on a little weight recently?â€
3. Say nothing as your wife gives you a daggers glare that could frighten a terrorist.
4. Hide your smile as your wife angrily announces you’re permanently banned from doing laundry ever again. Congratulations. Mission accomplished.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

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