Introductory Note from Tim Jones:

Below is the conclusion of our two-part series of Superstar Strategies for Super Sales Success, from the renowned Sales Coach to the Stars, Biff Biven, motivational speaker and author of the not quite best-selling sales primer Everything I learned about Sales I learned in Prison. In Part two, Biff reveals the remainder of his A to Z Secrets for Sales Superstardom, starting with the letter P.

If you missed last week’s Part One, or you just need a refresher on the letters of the alphabet, you can read it here.

Now back to the Biff Biven’s guest post, Part Two.


Welcome back, evurbahdy. I’ve saved my best sales tips for the second half of the alphabet. So let’s get ‘er started.

P means Present more than one alternative. Some people call it the “Either or” Close. For example, recently, I was very successful with the followin’ closin’ technique: “Would y’all like yur pizza with extra cheese? Or would y’all prefer the “Meat Lovers” Supreme?” Either way they choose, I WIN!! Ka-Ching!

Q:  Questions – Have lots of them for the customer. About their business, about their challenges, about their business goals, about their worst boss, about their cousin who happens to be friends with my ex-wife, and about how could she dump me just because one time I drank a little too much and slept with her twin sister? Come on. I’m only human. I said I’m sorry. …. Er, um, sorry about that… Just took a little road trip in my mind over to Hell Town and got lost. But I got my bearin’s again and we’re now headed straight for Sales Success City.

R: Results. That’s what they want.  So y’all gotta show results…. Either that, or blackmail ‘em with some incriminatin’ photos ya’ got from their ex at last year’s office Christmas party.  Frankly, I’ve had more success with the photos than with actual results. But y’all gotta decide what works best for yurself.

S is for two words:  Shut the f*ck up. Y’all know what they say: When it comes down to the final negotiations, he who speaks first speaks before the other guy. So just shut up. Just shut the hell up. I mean it. Jeez, I’m so tired of yur yammerin’ all the time about how I leave my empty beer cans on the floor or about “what were ya’ thinkin’ usin’ cigarettes for candles for little Britney’s 6-year old birthday cake?” So get off my back, woman, and shut the f*ck up, OK? … Oops.  Just did another U-turn back to Hell Town again, didn’t  I? Sorry about that. The divorce papers just arrived in the mail this mornin’, so I’m a bit edgy. Won’t happen again.

T: Tell stories. Tell the prospect about other customers who have had great results with yur product. Like the summer I was sellin’ human pheromone supplements to high school students from the back of my U-Haul truck. I told them how other customers who had used my product got lucky 8 times out of 10 on the very first date.  Man, they sold like hotcakes.  Sure I made it all up. They’re just stories, after all. Nobody said they had to be true stories, did they?

U: Under-Promise and…. What the hell was that other part? Under-promise and … oh yes, Under-promise and over-estimate. For example, when the auto repairs that ya’ told the customer would probably take two weeks and cost $2500 turn out to take only six days and cost her only $1900 (when yur actual repair time and cost to do the job was 37 minutes and $235.50) the customer is happy and yur happy. (See W below for Win-Win.).

V: Always Validate yur customer! They love it when ya’ pay for their parkin’! Go the extra mile: Bring a squeegee and offer to clean their wind shield while yur at it. That’s a great way to win customer loyalty by providin’ some added Value – hey, that’s another V!

W: Win-Win. Always be lookin’ for a win-win solution with yur customers. This reminds me of when I was runnin’ my Biff Biven’s Rifle Range & Daycare many years back… until it was shut down by the authorities for reasons I’ll never understand. We had a win-win policy there. If the customer hit the bull’s eye three times in a row without grazin’ a kid, they won a stuffed animal they could give to their kid in our daycare area. They win, their snot-nosed kid wins, and we win – because we never paid a dime for those stuffed animals. Hell, they fell off the back of a truck that was carryin’ stuffed animals stolen from some travelin’ carnival. Win-Win.

X: Treat yur customers X-TRA-Special. Last fall, when I was workin’ for a large multinational food corporation in a very important front line sales capacity, I made it my practice to always look for ways to make my clients feel special. One time I threw in a large order of fries for the lady at no X-tra charge. Another time I even threw in an X-tra Spider Man III action figure in a kid’s happy meal. Man, y’all should’ve seen the look on that little boy’s face. It’s times like that that make me proud to be in professional sales.

Y is for Yes, Mr. Customer! I don’t care what the hell they ask ya’ about yur product. When they ask “Can y’all guarantee that yur product will give us 100% increased productivity and a 50% reduction in costs?” Look ‘em straight in the eye and say, “Yes sir. Yes, I can….. Sign here….” That’s all there is to it! By the time they figure out the correct answer really should’ve been “No, sir, no, I can’t”, ya’ be long gone and off to yur next big sale.

Z is for Zero Excuses. If the product y’all sold them is defective and the customer’s upset and wants his money back, remember, the customer is king. So, if ya’ can’t figure out a way to make it look like it was their fault and that they broke it, or convince them that it’s two days out of the warranty period, or that it was that way when ya’ sold it to them, or that this is the way it’s supposed to work and those sparks when they plug it in the outlet are supposed to do that, and it’s supposed to be hot enough to set the house on fire when ya’ touch it – well, then, in that case, y’all probably should try to make ‘em happy. Offer to give them 10% off their next purchase of $100 or more – no excuses.

Those, my friends, are my A to Z secrets for superstar sales success.  Follow these techniques, and some day y’all just might have the same kind of incredible success that I’ve had in my long, illustrious sales career. Hell, before y’all know it, y’all may be negotiatin’ with some VIP, lookin’ for a win-win, and proposin’ “Would y’all like to super-size it for fifty cents more? Great. Just sign here and we got a deal. Ya’ won’t be sorry….”

–          Biff Biven, Sales Coach to the Stars



Well, this is Tim and I just wanted to let you know I’m back. I hope you found Biff Biven’s sales success advice over these past two weeks helpful. I can’t wait to read his advice myself to see what I missed.

From the hundreds of emails waiting for me in my email inbox, it sounds like people are most curious about where I came across Mr. Biven. To be honest, I don’t really remember. I think it might have been at a Chuck E Cheese in Reno. I’ve only had time to skim a few reader emails, such as…

  • The one from Ralph L. who emailed to ask “What fish ‘n bait shop did this Biff Biven fellow crawl out of?” or….
  • The one from Michael C. who opined “I read Mr. Biven’s A to Z advice and can only conclude that he saved his best sales con for you – convincing you to let him loose on your readers. Please send him back to his white trash trailer park where the only people he might hurt are his redneck in-laws who no doubt live there with him.”

Finally, to Marcia T., who wrote that she followed Mr. Biven’s A to Z sales formula “to the letter” (got it – cute, Marcia) and it caused her to be fired from her $100K/year high tech sales job of 15 years, I can only speculate that perhaps you missed one or two of the letters – I’m thinking perhaps L or Q.

(Note to self: Review guest bloggers’ articles before publishing. Lesson learned.)

Well, that’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2010 – 2011

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