Trump Announces His Official Precedential Liebrary
Mar-a-Lago, FL – President Trump today revealed his long-awaited plans for his presidential library. It will officially be known as the Donald J. Trump Precedential Liebrary, Resort, Casino and Adult Video Store.
In a press briefing, Mr. Trump announced, “This will be the biggest, greatest, most beautiful precedential liebrary in history – way better than Obama’s or even Washington’s.” [Editor’s note: President Washington never had a presidential library. The first one was for Franklin D. Roosevelt, dedicated in 1941. Also, we know, “Presidential” is misspelled, but Trump’s aides were afraid to point this out to him.]
The exact location has not yet been announced, but sources wishing not to be named indicate it may be adjacent to a Las Vegas Hooters or an adult video store in Queens.
Preliminary drawings feature a grand entrance surrounded by flashing lights a la Las Vegas’ Flamingo Casino, with the letters TRUMP in 14-foot tall brass lettering. Upon entering the tasteful, gold-plated palace, visitors will be greeted by a 30-foot bronze sculpture of the president (perfectly matching his natural bronze skin tone). An enormous mouth will blast recordings of Trump’s most inspirational rage speeches, including top hits “How the election was rigged” and “There was no collusion.” From there, guests descend to the main reception area, riding a 14-carat gold escalator – an exact replica of the one Trump rode down to announce his 2016 run. There, sojourners will be swept away by bikini-clad models (all guaranteed to be at least 9’s), wearing a MAGA hats and wet t-shirts.
In a conscious decision to veer away from the traditional boring presidential library, Trump’s edifice will spotlight just two memorable publications: Trump’s own Art of The Deal (Kindle version) – the biggest selling book in history – and the never-before opened copy of the Holy Bible which Trump held up in Lafayette Square, displayed upside down to ward off Black Lives Matter protestors.
First time visitors will definitely want to check out the Alternate Facts Reading Room. From over 5,000 riveting articles readers will learn the real truth. Included are inspirational rants by Rush Limbaugh and Alex Jones about Trump’s 2020 landslide election victory – even in California. Folks will be briefed on how windmills cause cancer and Trump’s heroic efforts to make COVID magically disappear before Easter – which he would have achieved if not for Nancy Pelosi blocking his efforts to Make America Safe Again. A highlight is the authentic photos of the 2016 inauguration with the biggest crowds in history.
The centerpiece of the liebrary will be the Hall of Historic Tweets. Here, more than 30,000 of the President’s most compelling Twitter posts will be projected as a blinding mural of images on every surface of the giant hall, floor to ceiling, to mesmerize patriotic museum-goers. Topics will range from “I totally won the first debate against Sleepy Joe” to “Unlike Obama, as president I will not have time to golf” to “I’m the greatest president in history – okay, maybe tied with Lincoln” and many more. It is estimated that the average patron could while away two years reading all the tweets on display.
In the highly anticipated Trump Ballroom of Bankruptcy, listen to a heartwarming documentary by Fox’s Lou Dobbs, elucidating why none of the six bankruptcies or twelve failed businesses, from Trump Airlines to Trump Wines to Trump University, were Trump’s fault.
Over at the Omni Donald Dome, guests will revel in a larger than life montage of Trump’s most momentous campaign rallies. A 3-D hologram of Trump dancing to the Village People’s song YMCA is said to be so lifelike it will almost feel like he cares about you.
There’s even something for sports enthusiasts. Trump, widely known as the greatest presidential golfer in history, has plans to devote one room to instructional golf. Robots will demonstrate Trump’s time-tested techniques, including Putting with Impunity, and our favorite, Cheating Your Way to Irrefutable Victory.
Another attraction that is likely to be a YUGE hit with Trump supporters is the Sycophancy Amphitheater, sponsored by Fox News. Watch objectively researched videos detailing why Trump is the greatest military strategist and humanitarian ever to occupy the Oval Office – not to mention the handsomest lover (so we won’t). Tributes are effusively proclaimed by respected journalists from Tucker Carlson to Sean Hannity, while the narration by Kayleigh McEnany is so moving you just might not believe what you’re hearing.
Grab your seat at the Not-So-Hottie Hippodrome, which will star lifelike statues of dozens of women Trump has accused of being ugly, nasty, or mean to him. We’re told the Rosie O’Donnell bust is simply revolting.
One of the most moving exhibits will be the Hall of Flags, with hundreds of American flags proudly waving, all of which have been personally groped by Donald Trump himself.
Avid supporters of the president won’t want to miss Conspiracy Corridor, sponsored by Q-Anon. This exhibit presents the President proving beyond a doubt twenty of his favorite conspiracy theories. Featured interviews will reveal how Hillary Clinton ran a child sex ring underneath a DC pizza parlor, Obama really was born in Kenya, and Mexico will definitely pay for the wall.
Liebrary planners didn’t forget about the kids. Youngsters will have a ball sliding down the MEGA-MAGA White-Water Wash – a 300-foot-long slide shaped to resemble one of Trump’s signature endless red ties. Teenagers can hang out in the Apprentice Arena, where they get to decide which of the randomly selected low-wage workers from all over America to fire. All termination decisions will be backed by the presidential seal of authority.
A spokesperson estimates the cost of admission to be a mere $500 (or $5,000 for the Swinger’s Suite VIP pass). Visitors will receive a MAGA hat and a gold-framed 8 x 12 print displaying a realistic likeness of Trump with six-pack abs, dressed as Superman, and shaking hands with Jesus.
All proceeds will go to charity, specifically the Trump Legal Defense Fund, to help the soon-to-be former president fend off the multiple fake news criminal and civil lawsuits he might face in the years ahead.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2021.