Breaking News: Rare Sighting of Bright Yellow Celestial Object in Seattle Sky
BREAKING NEWS: THE END IS NEAR – at least that’s what people in Seattle feared upon a recent sighting of a terrifying giant yellow fireball in the sky. Residents were urged to stay inside.
Anchor: Hello. I’m Brad Anchorton with this Seattle area Action News BREAKING NEWS ALERT. As I speak, there is a truly extraordinary event that is sending shockwaves through our cloudy city. Brace yourselves, for today, a rare and perplexing sighting has occurred in the skies above us.
[Cut to footage of the Seattle skyline with ominous music]
Anchor: I’m referring to the appearance of a luminous, radiant, and suspiciously bright yellow celestial object. This object – known to some by its three-letter moniker, the “sun” – has made a daring cameo over our perpetually overcast cityscape. While it may currently be a balmy 64 degrees outside in downtown Seattle, scientists estimate that the sun’s surface is blisteringly hot at 10,340 degrees Fahrenheit. And that devastating heat appears to be heading our way. Our afternoon temperatures could soar to as high as 69 degrees, but experts have no idea how much hotter it could get by tomorrow.
[Cut back to the anchor, who looks like he’s just seen a ghost]
Anchor: Now, for those of you unfamiliar with this phenomenon, let me assure you, it’s a sight only a few Seattleites have ever seen. You would have to go all the way back to the infamous Sun-Aggedon Summer Scare of August 1973 for the last time the sky lit up this brightly during the day. Reports have been flooding in from all corners of Seattle, with citizens expressing a mixture of confusion, disbelief, and in some cases, downright terror.
[Cut to footage of a man on the street, nervously glancing up at the sky]
Man on the Street: I – I don’t know what’s happening, man. One minute, I’m sipping my artisanal coffee outside of a Starbucks under a blanket of gray clouds, and the next, BAM! It’s like the apocalypse. It is so blinding, What the hell is that up there? A giant alien spaceship? I wish I had something I could put over my eyes that would darken things but still let me see stuff.
Anchor: You mean sunglasses?
Artist’s depiction of a Seattle resident being shocked at the sight of a giant yellow ball in the sky. It turns out what he saw was just the sun, making a rare appearance in the Puget Sound region. It is not predicted to appear again until sometime in mid-2029.
Man on the Street: I have no idea what you’re talking about. What’s a sunglass? Will it protect me from the aliens?
[Cut back to the anchor, who is shaking his head solemnly]
Anchor: The sudden appearance of this bright yellow orb has left many Seattleites scrambling for cover, unsure of what to do in response to the unprecedented surge of cosmic radiation. For more on what the risks are – and what we can do to protect ourselves, I turn to University of Washington astrophysicist, Nigel Van Twerp.
Dr. Van Twerp, can you shed some light on what exactly are we dealing with here, and what are our chances of survival in the face of this overwhelmingly luminous threat? And is that giant yellow orb an alien spaceship?
[Cut to Dr. Van Twerp, standing in front of a whiteboard covered in complex equations]
Dr. Van Twerp: Thank you, Brad. No, it is highly unlikely that it’s an alien spaceship. More likely, what we have here is probably a rare celestial phenomenon involving the sun. The sun is so massive, it’s over 110 times the diameter of the earth. Believe it or not, about 1.3 MILLION planet Earths could actually fit inside of the sun.
Anchor: Are you suggesting there might be several hundred thousand planet Earths currently inside of the sun? How did they get there, Doctor? And is there life on any of them?
Dr. Van Twerp: No, at last count, there is only one Earth that I am aware of. The earth revolves around the sun once every 365 days. The sun is a rather fascinating celestial body, viewable from many regions of our planet almost every day. But due to Seattle’s unique meteorological conditions and nearly perennial cloud cover, we never see it. But I must warn you, prolonged exposure to this intense luminosity could potentially cause sunburn… and a strong desire to move to Miami.
Anchor: Sunburn? That sounds terrifying. The sun is so huge! Is it likely to swallow up the earth?
Dr. Van Twerp: Sadly, the earth – and everyone on it – is inevitably doomed to perish. According to my calculations, all life on earth will die a painful death as our planet is ultimately absorbed after the sun becomes a red giant and expands beyond our current orbital circumference.
Anchor: So how much time do we have left, Doctor Van Twerp?
Dr. Van Twerp: [Looks at his watch.] Hard to say really. I’d estimate around 7.5 billion years, give or take. In the near term, I’d be more worried about sunburn.
[Cut back to the anchor, who looks utterly horrified]
Anchor: Wow. Thanks for the warning, Doctor. One last question: Since most of our viewers have never seen this bright yellow ball in the sky before, is it safe for them to look directly at it?
Dr. Van Twerp: Good question, Brad. While some former presidents have been known to stare directly into the sun, I would caution against it. You see, the sun’s rays can burn cells in the retina at the back of the eye. The retina doesn’t have pain receptors, so there’s no way to feel the damage, which would be permanent. So, don’t stare at the sun like an idiot.
Nigel Van Twerp, noted University of Washington astrophysicist explaining how, in scientific terms, we’re all screwed. No matter what we do to try to prevent the sun’s encroachment, eventually, he explains, we’re all going to die – in less than 8 billion years.
Anchor: Sound advice as always, Dr. Van Twerp. We at Action News want to advise all our viewers to avoid looking directly at the sun or even being exposed to it. Make sure your family takes cover immediately. Do not go outdoors unless you absolutely must – say, to rescue a pet who has escaped outside and is staring upwards. But if you must leave your homes, be sure to apply sunscreen. We recommend SPF 100 just to be safe.
[Cut to footage of people frantically applying sunscreen and seeking refuge under any available shade]
Dr. Van Twerp: Um, it’s really not that dangerous outside. No need to panic. Just wear sun –
Anchor: [Cuts off Dr. Van Twerp] As panic spreads throughout the city, government officials are urging all citizens to take every precaution necessary to protect themselves from the sinister rays of this celestial interloper. No one is safe, especially our fair-skinned viewers with freckles. A special word of prayer for our pale Irish Americans out there.
You may be asking yourselves, “How long will we have to endure the terror of this sunny weather?” According to our meteorologist, Windy Storm, the good news is that the clouds and rain should return by tomorrow and we’ll have another long stretch of rain ahead for the foreseeable future, with life returning to normal – unless the aliens in the giant yellow orb attack.
This is Brad Anchorton reminding you to stay safe, stay vigilant, and above all, stay indoors. Good luck, Seattle.
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