by TEJ | Jul 4, 2026 | In the News Humor, Lifestyles humor
While 95% of the country enjoys summer in a tropical paradise (during a heat dome), Seattleites are bracing for a long stretch of brisk, bone chilling weather with highs barely reaching the low-to-mid sixties. It’s not easy having to put on a sweater and long pants every day while the rest of the country lounges around in their underwear like they’re in a sauna.
We interrupt your regular TV programming for the following special emergency weather alert.
ANCHOR ANITA SCOOP: Good evening. We interrupt your regularly scheduled rerun of Seattle’s Rainiest Moments for continuing coverage of what meteorologists are calling an unnervingly cool, mild stretch of July weather.
The National Weather Service has issued an Extreme Summer Cool Advisory for the entire Puget Sound region after computer models confirmed what experts feared most: Daily highs in the mid-sixties for nearly the entire month of July.
Let’s go live now to KIRO Weather Team 7’s Chief Meteorologist, Brad Breezilton, standing outside in downtown Seattle.
BRAD BREEZILTON: Thanks, Anita. As you can see behind me… (camera pans dramatically to people casually walking dogs in light jackets) …conditions have already begun to deteriorate as yesterday’s high temperature of 74 has in only 24 hours already plummeted to barely 61 degrees today.
The breeze has picked up to nearly nine miles per hour, enough to cause several residents to zip their fleece jackets all the way to the top.
Visibility remains excellent, humidity is hovering near zero, and sunlight has broken through the clouds for nearly two uninterrupted hours – hardly the weather we’ve come to expect here in the Pacific Northwest. Officials are urging residents to remain indoors unless absolutely necessary. If you must venture outside, dress responsibly. And remember to politely wave to fellow pedestrians and don’t litter.
Experts recommend beginning with a long-sleeve shirt, then a sweatshirt, an REI fleece vest (preferably one that cost more than your first car), and for safe measure, a waterproof shell. If you plan to visit the community swimming pool, please remember to pack your parka. Hypothermia has not been reported. But goosebumps and extreme shivering are possible.
Meanwhile, across much of the rest of the United States – and most of Europe for that matter – millions of people continue enjoying summerlike “real feel” temperatures between 105 and 115 degrees. It sure must be nice to live in a place where they won’t see anything remotely approaching 650 weather any time for the next four months. Envious Seattle residents can only imagine how wonderful it must feel to be a New Yorker or Atlantan basking in triple-digit tropical rain forest conditions.
Washington’s governor has released the following emergency preparedness checklist:
LEVEL ONE PRECAUTIONS
- Bring a hoodie to your barbecue.
- Keep one emergency fleece blanket in every vehicle.
- Drink hot coffee every two hours.
- Replace popsicles with clam chowder.
LEVEL TWO PRECAUTIONS
- If paddleboarding on one of our cool, pristine lakes, wear thermal underwear.
- Campfires are encouraged for toasting marshmallows and warming your hands.
- If attending an outdoor concert, locate the nearest propane patio heater before the opening act.
- Children should limit cannonballs into swimming pools to no more than three before returning indoors for hot chocolate.
We now go live to our field reporter, Sonny Daye, outside Green Lake.
REPORTER SONNY DAYE: Thank you, Brad. Conditions here continue to worsen. Behind me you’ll notice joggers, many of them wearing long sleeves. Several cyclists have actually put on gloves. Earlier today I witnessed something truly heartbreaking. A man ordered an ice cream cone. Five minutes later… he admitted he wished he’d gotten a mochaccino instead. Back to you, Anita.
ANCHOR ANITA SCOOP: Local retailers report panic buying throughout western Washington. Stores have nearly sold out of fleece pullovers, knitted beanies, artisan soup mixes, cinnamon tea, and decorative throw blankets featuring silhouettes of evergreen trees.
In light of the COOL WEATHER ALERT for Seattle and Western Washington, area residents are reminded to stay indoors to keep warm. But if you have to venture out, you’re advised to make sure your kids are dressed for the elements and hydrate them often with hot cocoa – preferably with whipped cream and cinnamon sprinkles.
Ice cream sales have dropped precipitously in the past 24 hours, with one customer complaining, “It just doesn’t feel like ice cream weather.” Doctors are urging calm. Meanwhile, Expedia and Orbitz travel sites report a surge in airline searches to Seattle from people living in Phoenix, Dallas, Boston, Washington D.C., and Houston. Interestingly, the number one Google search this past week from regions currently experiencing a heat wave emergency has been “How can I move to Seattle.”
Meteorologists continue studying this unusual marine layer weather pattern that seems stalled over the Pacific Northwest. As a result, Seattle remains under a Level Three “Consider Wearing Another Layer” advisory.
Long-range computer models are showing a weak disturbance in the upper atmosphere that could bring a dramatic shift to our region by the middle of August, when temperatures could briefly soar into the mid-to-upper 70’s. Meteorologists caution Puget Sound residents not to get their hopes up, as forecasts call for the high temps to dip back down into the mid-sixties by early September.
Until then, local residents are urged not to risk the elements, but if you do have to venture outdoors, stay covered, stay warm, and don’t forget your sunscreen.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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by TEJ | May 4, 2024 | Lifestyles humor
BREAKING NEWS: THE END IS NEAR – at least that’s what people in Seattle feared upon a recent sighting of a terrifying giant yellow fireball in the sky. Residents were urged to stay inside.
Anchor: Hello. I’m Brad Anchorton with this Seattle area Action News BREAKING NEWS ALERT. As I speak, there is a truly extraordinary event that is sending shockwaves through our cloudy city. Brace yourselves, for today, a rare and perplexing sighting has occurred in the skies above us.
[Cut to footage of the Seattle skyline with ominous music]
Anchor: I’m referring to the appearance of a luminous, radiant, and suspiciously bright yellow celestial object. This object – known to some by its three-letter moniker, the “sun” – has made a daring cameo over our perpetually overcast cityscape. While it may currently be a balmy 64 degrees outside in downtown Seattle, scientists estimate that the sun’s surface is blisteringly hot at 10,340 degrees Fahrenheit. And that devastating heat appears to be heading our way. Our afternoon temperatures could soar to as high as 69 degrees, but experts have no idea how much hotter it could get by tomorrow.
[Cut back to the anchor, who looks like he’s just seen a ghost]
Anchor: Now, for those of you unfamiliar with this phenomenon, let me assure you, it’s a sight only a few Seattleites have ever seen. You would have to go all the way back to the infamous Sun-Aggedon Summer Scare of August 1973 for the last time the sky lit up this brightly during the day. Reports have been flooding in from all corners of Seattle, with citizens expressing a mixture of confusion, disbelief, and in some cases, downright terror.
[Cut to footage of a man on the street, nervously glancing up at the sky]
Man on the Street: I – I don’t know what’s happening, man. One minute, I’m sipping my artisanal coffee outside of a Starbucks under a blanket of gray clouds, and the next, BAM! It’s like the apocalypse. It is so blinding, What the hell is that up there? A giant alien spaceship? I wish I had something I could put over my eyes that would darken things but still let me see stuff.
Anchor: You mean sunglasses?
Artist’s depiction of a Seattle resident being shocked at the sight of a giant yellow ball in the sky. It turns out what he saw was just the sun, making a rare appearance in the Puget Sound region. It is not predicted to appear again until sometime in mid-2029.
Man on the Street: I have no idea what you’re talking about. What’s a sunglass? Will it protect me from the aliens?
[Cut back to the anchor, who is shaking his head solemnly]
Anchor: The sudden appearance of this bright yellow orb has left many Seattleites scrambling for cover, unsure of what to do in response to the unprecedented surge of cosmic radiation. For more on what the risks are – and what we can do to protect ourselves, I turn to University of Washington astrophysicist, Nigel Van Twerp.
Dr. Van Twerp, can you shed some light on what exactly are we dealing with here, and what are our chances of survival in the face of this overwhelmingly luminous threat? And is that giant yellow orb an alien spaceship?
[Cut to Dr. Van Twerp, standing in front of a whiteboard covered in complex equations]
Dr. Van Twerp: Thank you, Brad. No, it is highly unlikely that it’s an alien spaceship. More likely, what we have here is probably a rare celestial phenomenon involving the sun. The sun is so massive, it’s over 110 times the diameter of the earth. Believe it or not, about 1.3 MILLION planet Earths could actually fit inside of the sun.
Anchor: Are you suggesting there might be several hundred thousand planet Earths currently inside of the sun? How did they get there, Doctor? And is there life on any of them?
Dr. Van Twerp: No, at last count, there is only one Earth that I am aware of. The earth revolves around the sun once every 365 days. The sun is a rather fascinating celestial body, viewable from many regions of our planet almost every day. But due to Seattle’s unique meteorological conditions and nearly perennial cloud cover, we never see it. But I must warn you, prolonged exposure to this intense luminosity could potentially cause sunburn… and a strong desire to move to Miami.
Anchor: Sunburn? That sounds terrifying. The sun is so huge! Is it likely to swallow up the earth?
Dr. Van Twerp: Sadly, the earth – and everyone on it – is inevitably doomed to perish. According to my calculations, all life on earth will die a painful death as our planet is ultimately absorbed after the sun becomes a red giant and expands beyond our current orbital circumference.
Anchor: So how much time do we have left, Doctor Van Twerp?
Dr. Van Twerp: [Looks at his watch.] Hard to say really. I’d estimate around 7.5 billion years, give or take. In the near term, I’d be more worried about sunburn.
[Cut back to the anchor, who looks utterly horrified]
Anchor: Wow. Thanks for the warning, Doctor. One last question: Since most of our viewers have never seen this bright yellow ball in the sky before, is it safe for them to look directly at it?
Dr. Van Twerp: Good question, Brad. While some former presidents have been known to stare directly into the sun, I would caution against it. You see, the sun’s rays can burn cells in the retina at the back of the eye. The retina doesn’t have pain receptors, so there’s no way to feel the damage, which would be permanent. So, don’t stare at the sun like an idiot.
Nigel Van Twerp, noted University of Washington astrophysicist explaining how, in scientific terms, we’re all screwed. No matter what we do to try to prevent the sun’s encroachment, eventually, he explains, we’re all going to die – in less than 8 billion years.
Anchor: Sound advice as always, Dr. Van Twerp. We at Action News want to advise all our viewers to avoid looking directly at the sun or even being exposed to it. Make sure your family takes cover immediately. Do not go outdoors unless you absolutely must – say, to rescue a pet who has escaped outside and is staring upwards. But if you must leave your homes, be sure to apply sunscreen. We recommend SPF 100 just to be safe.
[Cut to footage of people frantically applying sunscreen and seeking refuge under any available shade]
Dr. Van Twerp: Um, it’s really not that dangerous outside. No need to panic. Just wear sun –
Anchor: [Cuts off Dr. Van Twerp] As panic spreads throughout the city, government officials are urging all citizens to take every precaution necessary to protect themselves from the sinister rays of this celestial interloper. No one is safe, especially our fair-skinned viewers with freckles. A special word of prayer for our pale Irish Americans out there.
You may be asking yourselves, “How long will we have to endure the terror of this sunny weather?” According to our meteorologist, Windy Storm, the good news is that the clouds and rain should return by tomorrow and we’ll have another long stretch of rain ahead for the foreseeable future, with life returning to normal – unless the aliens in the giant yellow orb attack.
This is Brad Anchorton reminding you to stay safe, stay vigilant, and above all, stay indoors. Good luck, Seattle.
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by TEJ | Mar 20, 2013 | Fun and Leisure Humor, Lifestyles humor
[This message brought to you by the Greater Seattle Tourist Information Bureau.]
Greetings, visitor. Welcome to Seattle. If this is your first time to the Emerald City, we’d like to share some fun facts about our great city to help you plan your trip.
Hey, did you ever wonder why they call it the Emerald City? It’s because everything here is always green. And that’s because it rains in Seattle 342 days a year. Isn’t that fascinating? So bring your bumbershoot and get ready for some fun out of the sun!
When packing for a trip to Seattle, don’t bother about your sunglasses – because you won’t need ‘em!
FUN FACT: Many Seattle residents live their entire lives without ever seeing the sun.
Some Seattleites believe the existence of the sun is a myth, sort of like Mount Olympus of ancient Greek legend. (Ironically, there actually is a Mount Olympus in Washington State – but thanks to the clouds no one from Seattle has ever seen it.)
There is so much to do in Seattle, or should we say so much to dew? If you’re coming in April, don’t miss the Moss Festival, and be sure to catch the always-popular slug races. By all means, set aside five minutes to visit the Seattle Sun Museum, where you can see the amazing mural of photos taken during the legendary SUN-ageddon of August 1935, when thousands of Seattleites feared the world was coming to an end because the sun shone brightly for seven consecutive days.
FUN FACT: Baseball caps weren’t always worn backwards. That fashion trend originated right here in Seattle, when fans watching a baseball game finally realized there was no need for a visor to block the sun from their eyes.
(more…)
