I am a staunch advocate of women’s rights to equal treatment and nearly equal pay. I’ve even watched Oprah and Ellen on occasion. (But please don’t tell my golfing buddies. They would never understand.) There is no denying that women have been victims of social injustices and hardships men have rarely had to endure. I’m talking, of course, about cellulite primarily.
The tables, however, have recently turned. I’m delighted to report that women have made amazing strides in the past 40 years – in the battle against cellulite. And even more than that. In fact, in the past ten years alone, for reasons unfathomable to me, two different women have received promotions I totally deserved simply because they were more qualified than I. Discrimination against men is real – and it’s everywhere.
The 2012 London Summer Games have officially begun. The breathtakingly beautiful new venue known as London Olympic Stadium (scheduled to be completed just in time for the 2016 Summer Games in Rio) was the site of an exhilarating opening ceremonies. Fans wondered how the London Games could ever live up to the grand spectacle of the 2008 Beijing Games’ opening ceremony, which featured more than 15,000 performers at an estimated expense of more than $100 million.
Not to be outdone, the London Games’ opening ceremonies were a festival of famous British celebrities. Sir Elton John, waiving the Olympic torch, proudly entered Olympic Stadium. He proceeded to carry his torch for, make that, to British soccer legend David Beckham, who headed to the stairs to light the giant cauldron.
[Author’s note: Recently, Al Qaeda’s #2 in command was killed in a drone strike. This makes him the fourth Al Qaeda #2 to be taken out in the past 18 months. In the interest of casting a wider net for possible replacement candidates, the terrorist organization posted a Help Wanted ad on Craig’s List this week. Check it out here. – tej]
#1 Terrorist Organization in the World looking for #2 in Command to lead us into the 13th Century (Tora Bora, Afghanistan)
Do you like to lead people? Can you inspire others to go the extra mile in rugged mountain terrain? Do you want more virgins than you can handle in Heaven? Are you fascinated by aerial drones? Then this job may be for you! Keep reading.
Al Qaeda has an immediate job opening for a #2 Commander to oversee logistics, recruitment, military weapons acquisition, burqa fashion enforcement and money-laundering.
Salary: Negotiable, based on previous experience wreaking havoc and destruction on corrupt, foreign, illegitimate, imperialist, capitalist, infidel governments destined to be swept aside by the hand of the Almighty when the Islamic Caliphate rises up.
Location: A cave in an undisclosed secret location somewhere in a mountainous region in Afghanistan (see map below right for exact location).
In our increasingly technology-bound culture, cell phone use has exploded over the past decade. A recent report indicates there are now more cell phones in the USA than people, and three times more cell phone users than Americans who can locate the United States on a map of North America.
People use their cell phones to do all sorts of things – a few have even been known to use them to place phone calls. But mostly, people use their cell phones to text thought-provoking comments like Hey.
Studies indicate that the dangers of cell phone texting extend far beyond texting while driving. Health experts have recently argued that texting should be avoided during any of the following “high-risk” activities:
Experts in ancient Mayan culture have been prophesizing the world will come to a cataclysmic end in 2012. They base this on detailed interpretations of the ancient Mayan calendar. Thanks to President Obama’s shocking revelation last week that he supports the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, these scholars now are even more convinced the Mayans were probably right, arguing we’re in the final days before Homoggedon.
In what appears to be a historic epidemic of tolerance, a growing fringe of America-haters is promoting the rights of gays to marry. Fortunately, this wildly unpopular viewpoint is shared by less than 54% of Americans. An overwhelming 47% of Americans still think marriage should only be between a man and a woman, while 52% believe Obama is a Muslim (according to a recent poll of Republicans in Mississippi).
Christian conservatives now believe that the President’s coming out of the closet in support of gay marriage is conclusive proof that Obama is the Antichrist. There is plenty of support for this contention, including Reverend Pat Naromynde, pastor of the Shepherd of the Valley Pentecostal Church in Turtle Hollow, Tennessee. “What is this world comin’ to?”, said Naromynde. “First they let blacks marry our white women. Then they let ‘em become president. Now we learn this black fella likes gays. For sure, the Lord is a comin’ to smite us all.”
Many conservative pundits have studied the implications of allowing gays to marry. Their conclusions paint a dire picture for the future of mankind. According to a Tea Party spokesperson, Jeb McCoy, allowing gays to marry will trigger an irreversible chain reaction which will lead to humans marrying farm animals, household pets, or worse yet, liberals from California.
I was recently astounded to read that the USA has more prisoners per capita than any other country in the world, easily surpassing #2 Russia. Did you know that the USA makes up just 5% of the world’s population but 25% of its prisoners? All I can say is WAY TO GO, AMERICA!
We now have over 2 million Americans living in prison (several million more if you include New Jersey). The cause of the explosion in our inmate population over the past thirty years is primarily thanks to the incredible success of our War on Drugs, and only secondarily because of the many cast members of Jersey Shore who have served time.
A thoughtful examination of America’s War on Drugs leads to only one obvious conclusion: By any standard (other than reducing the level of our nation’s rampant drug abuse problem), this war has been an overwhelming success. The only thing left to do is hang a Mission Accomplished banner atop the fence along the U.S. – Mexican border.
Thanks to our impressive victory in the war on drugs, we have corralled thousands of our nation’s most dangerous habitually stoned South Park viewers and thrown them into the Graybar Hotel. Law-abiding Americans can now sleep safely, knowing they no longer have to fear that a deranged pothead might break into their home during a late night Harold and Kumar movie marathon in search of Doritos or other snack foods with dangerously unhealthy levels of high-fructose corn syrup.
I am a staunch advocate of women’s rights to equal treatment and nearly equal pay. I’ve even watched Oprah and Ellen on occasion. (But please don’t tell my golfing buddies. They would never understand.) There is no denying that women have been victims of social injustices and hardships men have rarely had to endure. I’m talking, of course, about cellulite primarily.
