So, you’ve come back for Part 2 of the most popular View from the Bleachers columns from the past ten years. You seriously have nothing better to do with your day? If you don’t know what I’m talking about because you missed Part 1, you can check out Part 1 here. At the bottom of this post, you’ll see a TOP TEN LIST of my own personal favorites.
Let’s get started, shall we?
Health and Fitness
Getting a Colonoscopy is Better Than Having Sex…with elephants, that is. And not by much. Read my true embarrassing story of my recent colonoscopy procedure. Warning: This post may not be suitable for people with weak colons. And kids, don’t try this at home.
Important Health Safety Warning: These Foods Will Kill You! – Turns out that a lot of foods are really, really bad for you. Even a 32-ounce bottle of water can kill you, if it falls on your head from a height of 5,000 feet. Read this week’s important health scare, er, alert, about some foods that can kill. Spoiler alert: Brussels sprouts are actually not harmful, unless stuffed up one’s nose.
My Private Workout with Obama – People routinely accuse me of telling over-the-top fabricated stories, like having had a private workout with former President Obama. No, wait, that actually happened. This is the 100% partially true story of the time I pumped iron with Obama. Why would I make this up?
The Amazing Happiness Diet– Recently, I lost a lot of weight. No, I did not do one of those crazy fad diets. I created my own. I call it the Happiness Diet. There are only two steps involved. Easy-Peasy. Read how simple it is to lose weight – and friends – with my proven diet formula.
Computers and Technology
Alexander Graham Bell’s First Phone Call – Using Skype – Imagine if Bell’s first phone call – the famous one he placed with Thomas Watson – was done via Skype. Read this dramatic reenactment of how it might have sounded and looked.
The latest innovation from Google – Google Translate – Family Edition – The brilliant technologists at Google have improved their Translate service to help families understand each other better than ever. Now husbands can decipher what their wives are nattering on about into plain English. Our lives may never be the same.
My Love Letter to My Internet Help Desk – Read my THANK YOU letter to my Internet Service Provider, detailing my gratitude for my 19-hour ordeal in which their tech support call center was unable to fix a problem that corrupted my computer that resulted from installing their internet security software to prevent internet security threats from corrupting my computer.
Business and the Workplace
Business Lesson #39: Awlays Proffread Yoru Wrok – If there is one thing that separates the winners from the losers in business it’s the ability to compose persuasive, articulate, error-free emails, memos and presentations. That and being the offspring of the CEO.
My Short-lived Career as a BINGO Announcer – After all these years, I thought I had finally found the job of my dreams – BINGO announcer at the county fair. I rocketed to stardom, and then just as quickly, crashed and burned like a meteorite. Read my heartbreaking story of the dream job that got away.
How to Blow a Job Interview – There is no shortage of self-help books with practical strategies on how to make a good impression in a job interview. So boring. But there are no experts doling out advice on how to totally blow up your job interview – until now, that is.
Click on the image to read another one of my favorites the story of what life for others would have been like had I never been born, in It’s a Wonderful Life (but it could have been better).
TIM’S TOP TEN LIST OF PERSONAL ALL-TIME FAVORITES
In no particular order, here are my own personal favorite VFTB articles from the past ten years.
I Just Found Out I’m Related to Jesus – On My Mother’s Side – A recently deciphered ancient Coptic Christian papyrus text reveals that Jesus was probably married. It’s not too big a leap of logic from that revelation to the conclusion that I must be the savior’s direct descendant. I mean, just look at any 15th century painting of Christ. I totally have his chin.
According to Google I am a terrible person – I used to think I was a pretty good person – a decent husband and a parent who tried to set a good model for my kids. All that changed when I did a Google search on my name. Wow, from what I found out about myself, I appear to have done some horrible things.
My Fleeting Friendship with an Internet Scammer– This is part one of my actual email exchange with the nicest man from Latvia wanting to purchase bleachers. I thought I had made a new friend across cyberspace, only to learn that the scammer did not really want to be my friend after all. What a shock! (This is a two-part piece.)
Have You Heard About Dyzastra? – If you haven’t, where have you been? It’s the latest miracle pill that cures everything. But there may be just a few teensy weensy unpleasant side effects.
Humor Writer Admits to Using Banned Substances and Lying to Everybody – In a stunning revelation, Tim Jones admits publicly that he used banned performance-enhancing substances to gain a competitive edge against other humor writers. Based on writing samples we have tested, it apparently hasn’t helped.
Kids, Ask Me About God – By Reverend Tornquist – This week’s special guest tackles the tough questions about God and Heaven that kids need to know, like In heaven, do I still have to eat my peas? And Will my daddy get all his hair back when he meets God and Jesus?
It’s a Wonderful Life (but it could have been better) – I had a dream, much like that Jimmy Stewart film, It’s a Wonderful Life. In my dream, my guardian angel showed me what life would have been like had I never been born, in order to show me the impact I’ve had on so many people’s lives. Turns out, um, not much impact after all, really. (This is a two-part piece.)
An Important Message From Your Cat– There are a couple items of business that your cat needs to discuss with you, starting with some apparent confusion over whose house this is. Your cat sets the record straight in this guest commentary.
My Open Letter to the Guy Crossing the Street Against Traffic Without Looking Up– We have all seen this person – the one who is completely oblivious to everyone around them, as they walk into traffic glued to their phone. This is my open letter to that person on behalf of all of the rest of us they’ve kept waiting all these years.
Thank you to all who have accompanied me on this slightly misguided journey over the years. I appreciate you giving me a chance to mess with your minds and perhaps brighten your day. I apologize if I inspired a bemused smile that caused your partner to wonder what you’ve been up to. Thank you for clicking the LIKE button and adding your own comments, humor, and wisdom. A particular shout out to Garth Nesmith of Duluth, Minnesota, who claims to have read every single one of my 360+ posts since September 2009. All I can say is, Garth, seriously dude, you really need to get your priorities in order.
If you have a personal favorite that is not included here, I’d love it if you shared which one it is in the COMMENTS section.
This blog would not be possible without you, my readers. Thank you for putting up with my sophomoric jokes and crazy stories. Finally, a special word of appreciation to my enormously talented sister, Betsy Jones, who, for the past ten years has been my incredible editor. Unlike most of you, she has had to read every single post I have ever written. Talk about a glutton for punishment.
Tim Jones
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
“If you look closely at this undoctored map, you’ll see Florida looks a little like a penis. Nobody ever knew that before, believe me.” – Donald Trump
Welcome back to Fox News. In a moment, we’ll get to our top story – why 97% of Americans think Donald Trump is a better president than Abraham Lincoln, according to a recent Fox poll of white nationalists.
But first, let’s take a look at the weather with our Meteorologist-in-Chief, President Trump. So, Donald, tell me, are we in for some STORMY weather this week?
You think that’s funny, do you, Shep Smith? You’re fired. Now get that bum outta here.
Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is your President with a look at your five-day forecast. For the 137th week since I’ve been your president, the American weather continues to be great – the best weather in our nation’s history – and way better than the weather under eight years of Obama.
Looking at the national weather map, I promise you, we’re in for some tremendous weather throughout many regions of the country. At Bedminster, New Jersey, home of Trump National Golf Club, the weather will be 76 degrees, breezy and sunny all week. Closer to home, here in Washington, DC, locale of the Trump International Hotel, you won’t believe how incredible the weather is going to be. Just phenomenal. And at Mar-A-Lago, I’m calling for another week of mild temperatures in the upper 70’s with no chance of rain or humidity right up to election day in November 2020.
But we do have a few trouble spots to keep an eye on, namely in California, New Jersey, Massachusetts and Baltimore, where it will be Hell on earth. Expect temperatures to reach 115 degrees for daytime highs and plunge to minus 15 overnight. Look for massive tornado warnings in any state that did not vote for me – with the likelihood of hot balls of lava erupting near Seattle and vicious tsunami’s all along the Mexican border.
Now that Hurricane Dorian is over, I’m pleased to report that the devastation I had predicted for Alabama happened just exactly as I had said it would – just a few hundred miles east in Georgia and the Carolinas. I hope every American will join me in saying a silent prayer for the great people of Alabama – especially those who voted for me – in hopes that they will overcome their anxiety in the wake of this devastating storm.
Speaking of hurricanes, everybody’s talking about Hurricane Dorian and why it chose to strike America when it did. Most experts are saying that Hillary Clinton was behind it, in an attempt to damage my amazing golf courses in Florida and along the east coast. But she failed bigly – just like she did in 2016. Sorry, Bahamas.
Most people never knew that hurricanes are named in alphabetical order starting with the letter A. I was promised that after Hurricane Chantal struck, the next one would be named Hurricane Donald. But at the last minute, the Fake National Weather Service changed it behind my back to Dorian. So, I’m ordering the FBI to investigate how this could have happened. Probably the deep state.
Looking further out, the forecast for hurricanes is hard to predict. But one thing’s for sure. If I’m not re-elected in 2020, everybody should expect the nastiest hurricanes in history. Several level 5 storms, a few level 6s and maybe even a couple of level 9s or 10s. I predict some of them will be the wettest weather events in history, from the standpoint of water.
“Here’s a look at the five-day forecast for Boston. They should’ve voted for me; They would have had the best weather. Those Bostonians are nasty people.”
Taking a check at the national forecast, I predict the next major hurricane, which I have ordered the National Weather Service to name Hurricane Melania, will pack winds up to 390 miles an hour, and will most likely make landfall in Los Angeles and head up the coast of California, wiping out San Francisco and Portland, before jumping over the middle part of our nation and touching back down again near Chicago and Detroit, taking them out entirely. But it will leave farmers’ crops just fine. No need to thank me.
You can see my projected path of this storm in this incredibly accurate sharpie drawing of the Zone of Uncertainty, which I had nothing to do with drawing. It was that way when they gave me the map. Trust me.
Oh, and the pollen count will be slightly above normal in Atlanta over the next few days.
That’s it for weather. Now it’s time for Tucker Carlson and sports. Hey, Tucker, speaking of sports, while I was closely monitoring the path of Hurricane Dorian during my two rounds of golf last week, I got a hole in one – on a par five, believe me. But as usual, the Fake News didn’t report it. People tell me I’m a tremendous golfer.
So, Tucker, are you still betting on your New York Jets to make it to the NFL playoffs this year? If you ask me, they’re a bunch of losers. Just like Anderson Cooper. And Rosie.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
Ten years ago this week, I published my very first View from the Bleachers humor blog post. Can you believe it’s been 3,653 days? I know what you’re thinking, and I totally agree: Feels like 3,654.
I don’t usually share my very first blog post (called Hey, This Blogging Thing is a Snap) because, … how do I put it delicately? It was a pretty pathetic first time up to the plate.
Since that humble beginning on September 7, 2009, I have rarely demonstrated anything vaguely approaching humility. I learned that from Trump. It works so well for him. I have written more than 360 humor pieces and published two books. I also learned from our esteemed leader the Art of the Lie. I can proudly proclaim that I have consistently lied to my readers, as well as exaggerated and bent the truth as much as possible, primarily in an effort to make myself look good. In that regard, clearly I have failed miserably.
But more importantly, if you have been keeping up with my blog over the years, you know that I have worked out with Obama, (that actually happened), was short-listed to be the next Pope, have been compared to Jesus (wow, that got some people upset!), ran for President, and discussed my here-to-fore not widely known experience as a general in two Gulf wars. I have repeatedly provided my expertise as a relationship guru and parenting expert, not to mention an economist and a Nobel Prize honoree (for humor writing, not physics).
If you find yourself with time to kill and bowling is just a little too exciting for you, might I suggest checking out my blog site’s TOPICS DIRECTORY? There, you can scroll through a listing of topics from parenting to politics to health & fitness to business and the workplace and much more. There’s even a separate category devoted specifically to our current occupant of the Oval Office. (However, I might suggest avoiding that one if your politics run right of center. I don’t want to raise your blood pressure any higher than it already is.)
In thinking about the past tenth of a century, I thought it might be fun to compile my own personal all-time most beloved posts and share them with my hundreds of thousands of loyal subscribers. I have no doubt there are some you never read before – because you’re a responsible person who has far better things to do with your time.
I had difficulty whittling down my favorites, so I’ve made this a two-part piece. Next week, I will return with Part 2 of my all-time favorite View from the Bleachers columns.
Let’s get started, shall we?
Everyday Life
Side-By-Side Comparison of the Roomba VS. The Timba– In a recent test of traditional vacuum cleaning methods versus the latest robot vacuum called the Roomba, we compared a variety of features to determine which was superior. The results may surprise you. (Nah, probably not.)
My Personal War with a Backyard Mole– I’m not a violent person, but every man has his limits. In my case, it’s Henry. Henry is the name I’ve given to a mole that is destroying my back yard. And now it’s war.
Home Cooking for Husbands Who Don’t Cook – I don’t claim to be the world’s greatest culinary expert, but recently, my wife encouraged me to start helping with the meals. I’m starting to get the hang of it. And if I can do it, then I can teach ANY husband how to cook.
My Trip to the Dentist– I used to hate going to the dentist. HATED IT! Until I learned about nitrous oxide and met the woman of my dreams in the dentist’s chair. Read about my change of heart here.
Turn left NOW! No, your OTHER left!! The joys of teaching your teenager to drive– Sooner or later, as a parent, your teenage son or daughter will ask you the question every parent dreads: Will you teach me how to drive? When that day comes, here are some valuable tips to keep your teenager from driving you insane, not to mention driving into oncoming traffic.
Fun and Leisure
How I Got Crabs – We recently moved to an island where the favorite pastime in summer is to go crabbing. The people here love God, Country, Family and Crabbing – but if they had to pick only one, I’m pretty sure they’d pick crabbing. Learn what you need to do if you want to get crabs. Perhaps I phrased that last sentence poorly.
A Night at the Opera – When it comes to cultural expansion, I draw the line at opera. That is, I did until recently, when my wife told me we were going to the opera. Read about my cultural immersion into the highbrow world of opera – or as I prefer to think of it, From Here to Eternity.
An American Tourist’s Guide to Vacationing in Italy– As a foremost expert on world travel, in this post I share everything an American needs to know to have a memorable vacation in Italy – and if all goes well, not get arrested.
Loser for Hire – I love to play sports. There’s just one problem. I’m actually not very good at it. People love to play me because they know they will have the satisfaction of winning. So, I’ve decided to offer my services for hire. If you’d like to feel better about yourself, just hire me to play you in any sport. You’ll feel like a winner in no time. Anybody up for a round of golf?
Love and Relationships
Don’t Let Your Dishwasher Destroy Your Marriage – Being married for more than 30 years takes commitment and hard work, especially if you’re married to me. Ours has survived many ups and downs. But it was a major household appliance that drove our marriage to its knees. Read how we were able to overcome our differences about dirty dishes.
Fifty Shades of White – When your wife asks you to go to Home Depot with her to pick out white paint for one of your rooms, be prepared for a long outing. You might want to request a couple vacation days. You’re going to be there a while.
The Case Against Marriage Equality for Left-handed People– At the risk of offending both of my regular readers, it’s time I spoke up about something I feel passionately about. It’s time that the 90% of us right-handed Americans take our country back and stop letting left-handers marry and breed. Read my cogent argument for why we must take our nation back.
Memo to Our Kids: The Family Has Decided to Downsize – It was a difficult decision. But I looked at the future cash flow projections and our dwindling retirement fund, and I make the hard choice. I had to let our two kids go. But the severance package is more than fair, if you ask me.
That’s it for this installment. If you’re still hanging in there, you can now check out PART 2 of this list, including a TOP TEN LIST of my own personal all-time favorite columns over the past ten years.
Please click the LIKE button for any posts you enjoy. I would deeply appreciate it if you took a moment to post a comment to any of my columns or just your overall views about View from the Bleachers and how reading this column has made you a better person (it’s okay to lie). If you’re curious about what else I’ve written about over the years, check out VFTB’s TOPICS DIRECTORY. Thanks.
Tim Jones
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
President Trump announces his latest deal: Trump Greenland. “Denmark’s loss is MY gain. Come join me and let’s MAKE GREENLAND GREEN AGAIN!”
August 26, 2019. Nuuk, Greenland – It was announced today that Trump Worldwide Resorts will soon open the crowning jewel in its long list of elite luxury properties: TRUMP GREENLAND.
Initial errant remarks by Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen suggested that Denmark’s large, ice-covered autonomous territory was not for sale. However, Trump Organization officials are pleased to report that after six hours of intense negotiations and name calling, the President was able to purchase Greenland for the bargain price of $500 billion – after turning down Denmark’s initial offer of $400 billion. Trump had to sweeten the deal by furnishing the PM Frederiksen with her own lavish penthouse suite – and giving Denmark full title to California.
Skeptics expressed concern about how The Donald would raise such vast funds, given our current deficit crisis. The President quickly reassured Americans that he will simply divert hundreds of billions previously set aside for Social Security. He tweeted, “Social Security is a socialist anti-American scheme. It even has the word ‘social’ right there in its name. Lame.”
“This is a great win for me, I mean for the United States of America,” said our Commander-in-Chief, who also proclaimed that “this is the greatest single real estate deal in history – way better than when we bought Manhattan from the pre-Americans. And it’s way more bigly than the Louisiana Purchase deal with the French. Whoever even heard of the country of Louisiana, anyway! Boring.”
Greenland’s population is a mere 56,000 folks (about the attendance at a sold out New York Mets game). But it’s geographically huge, roughly the size of western Europe. An added plus: It comes with virtually none of those pretentious Parisians or bombastic Brits.
Some economists had questioned the wisdom of spending half a trillion dollars to acquire a barren, rocky, arctic landmass, of which 85% is perpetually covered in ice. But, in a rare moment of environmental awareness, the President explained that because of the rampant acceleration of global warming, Greenland’s ice sheet, which is melting at a fantastic rate of 12 billion tons per day, will soon be history.
“In less than 20 years, Greenland will truly become a GREEN LAND again, get it?” quipped the President, making one of his signature hilarious jokes. He pointed out that all this emerging greenery, coupled with the projected two-foot rise in the earth’s sea level will make Greenland the perfect vacation destination for golf, tennis, and real family fun: harpooning for dolphins.
Taking questions before boarding Marine One, the President added, “Think about it. Where are you gonna go on vacation when Miami and Aruba are two feet under water? Answer? Greenland. Problem solved!”
Trump described how Greenland’s craggy coastline will make the perfect backdrop for oceanfront condos, five-star restaurants and Benetton shops. Projections are that labor costs will be minimal because most Greenlanders are unemployed and would be eager for any job. “We plan to pay them in halibut and reindeer meat. They’ll be thrilled just not to be starving,” said Donald Trump Jr., himself a noted wildlife enthusiast and the person President Trump has tasked with launching the construction of Trump Greenland.
An artist’s rendering of the first of five planned resort hotels to be built at Trump Greenland. Every effort will be made to ensure the resort blends in with the natural surroundings.
“Greenland is an exotic land filled with calving glaciers, flowing fiords and snow-capped mountains”, spouted Jr. “The new and improved Trump Greenland will host nature tours via helicopters and snowcats where families can hunt down their own endangered polar bears for their trophy walls back home. Come see all this incredibly pristine arctic beauty – before it’s gone!”
Advanced promotional literature claims that when Trump Greenland opens, it will be like no other golf-tennis-casino resort in the country – because it will be the only golf-tennis-casino resort in that country. The native Greenlanders are warm, gentle people. And you’ll have plenty of opportunities to get to know them up close as they refill your margaritas and take your bets at the Reindeer Roulette table.
And the food is to die for! If you’re the adventurous type, why not try the Mattak (whale skin) served raw with a mild otter sauce. Or sample the national soup of Greenland called suaasat, made from 100% natural ingredients: seal, reindeer, and tundra swans – lightly breaded. Then again, if that’s not to your taste, sink your teeth into a thick juicy Trump Steak (a few crates remain from the failed 2007 launch of Trump’s branded beef).
At a press conference, the president’s newly appointed Prime Minister of Greenland, Ivanka, unveiled a gorgeous architectural rendering of the planned resort, which will feature two tasteful 60-foot giant gold-plated whale statues at the main entrance, blowing poker chips out of their blowholes into a glacier-fed fountain. She announced that construction is expected to begin just as soon as the engineers can figure out how to load the 20’x30’ hotel windowpanes onto dog sleds.
The President then patriotically tweeted, “Come to my newest property, TRUMP GREENLAND, and together let’s MAKE GREENLAND GREEN AGAIN!”
Negotiations will soon be under way for Trump’s next world-class four-season resort. He is actively pursuing the purchase of a large, remote, unheard of island continent in the Pacific – provided Australia’s Prime Minister Morrison ever answers Donald’s phone calls.
For more information contact Eric Trump at pleaselovemedaddy@trump.com.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
[Author’s note: For maximum effect, this article is intended to be read at a fast pace, preferably with a thick New Jersey mobster accent. – TEJ]
THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID COMMERCIAL FROM MARVIN GUERKIN, ATTORNEY AT LAW
You’re probably asking yourself, “Hey, isn’t that a photo of the attorney in the TV show, Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul?” to which I say, “What’s your point?”
Hi, friend. I’m Marvin Guerkin. And I want to be YOUR lawyer. In a pickle? Guerkin is your man!
Here’s a question: Has this ever happened to you?
You notice your garbage disposal isn’t working, so you call a plumber. He takes a look and, wiping his hands on your wife’s favorite dish towel, says it’ll cost ya’ $1,800 to replace the defective disposal. You start stressin’ out about the cost, so you light up a cigarette, nervously flicking the ashes to the floor, Suddenly, ashes from your cigarette set that dish towel (which the plumber carelessly tossed on the floor) on fire, which triggers the smoke detector. That freaks out your German Shepherd Hercules, who then bolts out the front door, which you forgot to close when you let the plumber in.
You chase after Hercules, bumping into a stone table in the foyer, knocking over your priceless heirloom lamp dating back to the Ming Dynasty, which you had appraised on Antiques Roadshow for $9,700, but which now is just a pile of shattered ceramic. Your toddler, Marvin Junior, grabs a broken piece and scarfs it down, because, well, he’s a two-year-old, and all two-year-olds are idiots.
You remember that the lamp had lead paint, so you rush Junior to the ER to have his stomach pumped. In your panic, you run a stop sign, and get pulled over by Officer Cooper, who looks like he hasn’t done a push-up since the Nixon administration. Anyhoo, he issues you a ticket for reckless driving, having an expired license, and not strapping your kid into the child seat. You tell him to “Have a good day” and he thinks you’re being flip, so he orders you out of the car. You swear up and down that you haven’t been drinking (in truth you had barely more than three or four martinis). He runs your license plate and discovers four unpaid violations, which you never told your wife about.
Before you know it, you’re in the back of a cop car, headed for the 9th Precinct Station. Your phone rings and you see it’s your wife. With your hands cuffed, you fumble to answer the call. Immediately, your better half starts shouting, “Where the hell is Marvin Junior?” – which is when you realize that he’s still crawling around in the back of your car, which is parked in an abandoned lot on 36th and Broadway. Your wife is now screaming that the kitchen has gone up in flames! And the fire department is desperately trying to douse the flames which have now engulfed your entire house. Meanwhile nobody can locate your cat Buttons, not to mention Hercules.
Well, if this sounds familiar, why not give me, Marvin Guerkin, Attorney at Law, a call – any time day or night – between 2 and 4pm. But don’t call on Wednesdays (I’m at the races) or Fridays (I’m at the black jack table at Caesars). In a pickle? Guerkin’s your man!
I got another question: Has this ever happened to you?
You’re on your riding mower, mowing your lawn, just minding your own business, when your neighbor starts shouting at you about God knows what. You can’t hear him because you’ve got headphones on, listening to Vic Damone at full volume. He keeps shouting, but you ignore him, because, frankly, he’s kind of an annoying dweeb, obsessively fussing about his stupid garden.
So, he keeps on shouting until finally he rudely taps you on the shoulder, and you take off your head phones, and he screams, “Dude, what the f*ck are you doing? You just mowed down my prize-winning rose bushes!” – prompting you to make a hilarious comment about how real men go fishing, not play around in flower gardens, which oddly he does not find nearly as funny as you do – maybe it was in your delivery. Anyway, then he shoves you, leaving you no choice but to hop back on your mower to plow through his hydrangeas.
Before you can turn his nasturtiums into mulch, your neighbor, for some inexplicable reason, starts smashing the windshield of your 2007 Toyota Corolla with a golf club – using a Callaway driver at that – wow, he’s not thinking straight! I would have used a 9 iron. Technically it’s your wife’s car, so it’s not that big a deal. Still, defending her honor, you decide to take quick action to de-escalate the situation, which you do by driving your wife’s Corolla into his brand new 2019 Lexus, totaling his front end – and hers.
Then in what, if you ask me, is a major over-reaction, he calls the cops, who come to the scene, and it turns out to be the same Officer Cooper who pulled you over for running a stop sign, and well, you end up back at the 9th Precinct Station – again. And their coffee is just as bad as last time.
If this sounds like the kind of innocent mix-ups you sometimes stumble into, then call me, Marvin Guerkin, Attorney at Law. No lawyer is better at springing you out of the joint and suing your neighbor into bankruptcy than me.
So, what are you waiting for? Call me, MARVIN GUERKIN. In a pickle? Guerkin is your man!
MARVIN GUERKIN – The lawyer to call when ethical attorneys just aren’t up to the job!
[Disclaimer: Marvin Guerkin has been disbarred from practicing law in the following jurisdictions: Nevada, California, Florida, and Puerto Rico – oh, and Guam. He currently has a restraining order preventing him from being within 500 feet of anyone under the age of 21 or over 70. But he expects it to be thrown out on appeal. Please do not google “lawsuits against Marvin Guerkin” unless you plan to stay up all night. Mr. Guerkin requires payment in full upfront, cash, no checks. Payment in the form of luxury suite stays at Caesar’s Vegas is also acceptable.]
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
PS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook.
