This mom was shocked to see the cost of her fill-up. So, she suggested that her two daughters, Carla and Emma, consider sharing a bedroom so she could rent out the other bedroom for the money. From this photo, it appears they’re not quite on board.
Unless you’re a hermit living in a tent in the forest, you have no doubt noticed that the cost of gasoline, groceries, and dining out has gone through the stratosphere. In fact, based on the spiraling inflation that appears to have no end in sight, my immediate recommendation for cost savings is to seriously consider becoming a hermit. I’d suggest a tent in the forest, but have you seen the price of nylon lately? You’re better off with a sturdy cardboard refrigerator box and a nearby creek for bathing.
According to recent reports, some economists now believe gasoline could eventually reach $175 a gallon, and a loaf of bread could hit $60. Admittedly, those projections are for the year 2250 – but the trend line is clearly not headed in a direction that screams “relax and order appetizers.”
So what can you do to stop the financial hemorrhaging and preserve your rapidly shrinking nest egg?
For starters, tell your lazy unemployed spouse to get off the couch and find a job. Unless, of course, that lazy spouse is you – in which case, let’s not rush into anything. You still have three more seasons of Breaking Bad to finish because you somehow missed it the first time around in 2008. Priorities.
If you’re retired and in reasonably good health, you might consider going back to work. Quick caveat: I would suggest trying your hand as a humor writer, but based on my own experience, that path leads mostly to personal fulfillment and a suspicious lack of income. You may want to aim slightly higher – say, Walmart greeter or middle school bus driver, both of which come with hazard pay.
Here are some additional strategies to preserve your retirement portfolio – and what’s left of your sanity:
Decide which child is not going to college.
You love both your kids equally, of course. But let’s be realistic – college tuition has reached the point where you need to start thinking like an NFL general manager. Tough decisions must be made. Sit Justin down and explain that college is overrated and, frankly, based on his SAT scores, he was trending toward a very strong community college experience anyway. He’ll understand…eventually – hopefully before your check for the nursing home bounces.
Charlie is showing off his his pride and joy – his 1952 Mickey Mantle rookie season baseball card. He needs cash to keep up with all the high prices lately. So, it’s either sell Mickey or tell his son Nate no college for him. Charlie has a tough decision.
Sell your gas guzzler. Buy an electric car.
With gas hovering around $5 a gallon and climbing, it may be time to part ways with your 17-MPG SUV. Do the responsible thing – save the environment and your wallet by switching to an electric vehicle. Just be prepared for the moment when your electric bill shows up and you realize you’ve essentially adopted a very large, very hungry appliance.
Sell your electric car. Buy a Schwinn.
So now you’re driving electric and feeling good – until someone casually mentions that replacing the battery could cost somewhere between $10,000 and $20,000. That’s when you pivot.
My advice: ditch the car entirely and go old school. Buy a basic ten-speed bike. Skip the e-bike—those cost more than your first used car. But go ahead and splurge on the bell and handlebar tassels your mom never let you have when you were seven. You’ve earned this.
Say no to costly eating out.
A typical steak dinner can now set you back $50 to $75. Slightly less at Waffle House, but you’re rolling the dice in other ways there.
Think of how much money you’ll save by cooking at home. Of course, grocery prices are also skyrocketing, so you may want to focus on a steady diet of rice and lettuce. The upside? You’ll save money and finally lose that “drive-thru lifestyle” spare tire – mainly because you’ll be in a constant state of serious depression.
Cancel unnecessary subscriptions.
Take a hard look at your monthly expenses. Do you really need five streaming services? Especially when you spend 30 minutes scrolling through them every night before giving up and watching the same episode of The Office you’ve seen 17 times (the one where Jim moves Dwight’s entire desk setup – computer, phone, and all – into the men’s restroom, leaving him to work in the stall area. It never gets old, I agree).
Pick one service. Two, max. And if you’re feeling especially frugal, just start “borrowing” passwords from friends and family like it’s 2015 again. It’s not stealing – it’s relationship-building.
Embrace creative housing solutions.
If your mortgage or rent is crushing you, it may be time to think outside the box. Literally. Have you considered converting your garage into a luxury studio apartment? Or renting out rooms in your house to complete strangers who describe themselves as “super chill” and “usually between jobs”?
If things get really tight, circle back to the hermit-in-the-tent-in-the-woods idea. It’s gaining momentum.
Rob a bank.
Okay, I’ll admit – this one is a bit extreme. But if you’re truly desperate and can’t figure out how in the world you’re going to make next month’s mortgage payment, it may be your quickest path to financial relief – assuming you don’t mind a dramatic lifestyle change involving federal prison or assuming a new identity in Guatemala, where they don’t ask a lot of questions. How would you feel about growing a beard, dying your hair black, and changing your name to Hector Ramirez? Just something to keep in your back pocket.
The good news is that this surge in the cost of everything from food to gasoline to healthcare won’t last forever. The bad news is… I just lied. It absolutely will.
So yes, you’re going to need to get creative. Maybe start by selling off some valuables. If you happen to have a mint-condition 1952 Mickey Mantle rookie card lying around, congratulations – you’re officially inflation-proof. The rest of us will be comparing lettuce prices and debating whether toothpaste is really essential.
Okay, so it’s not nearly as cool as my SUV I had to sell because of the high cost of gasoline and car maintenance. But at least it doesn’t pollute the environment. And all the kids in my neighborhood appear to be very jealous … or maybe confused. Not sure which, actually.
In the meantime, stay flexible, stay frugal, and if you happen to see an older Seattle Seahawks fan pedaling past you on a ten-speed with bright pink handlebar tassels… mind your own business. I’m doing just fine.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
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